sauerkraut

Hi Co,
Thanks for posting your story and updates. My situation is analogous, although my STBXAH has managed to pass the SL tests for the past 10 months or so, on the alternate weeks when he has our kids (testing in the morning and at night). Somehow he either goes for a week without drinking, or he has become very adept at squeezing the booze into the window where he can get away with it, which is not at all consistent with his behavior before I left, when he wouldn't be able to stop drinking once he started. Please keep updating, and good luck with the mediation session.

CoParentToA

Well he emailed the moderator this morning with me on cc to say he had to stop and though he was willing to meet, he "saw no reason" to do so since testing has been consistent for three months and he "knew things would continue to go well."

He did not submit a test this morning, in spite of the fact that he should be paid through end of this month. I texted him to point that out and ask him to test - no response yet.

Here we go - fun times.

CoParentToA

Over two hours later he texted to say he saw my text and had submitted a compliant test - almost four hours after the testing window. Pretty sure he slipped last night and only wrote the mediator this am when he realized he would not be able to submit a compliant test on time. His email to her went out 15 minutes after his "grace period" expired.

hopeful4

Hugs to you.

Since your children are not old enough to tell you, I would pay for it myself until they are. I did push for Sober Link when I got divorced, but I wish I would have.

PhoenixJ

HE'S DRINKING, YOUR WORRIED ABOUT CHILD SAFETY.
Why would he change when he's got it so sweet? To me a no brainer- stop drinking or go very far away. Safety.

sauerkraut

It seems like it's time to file for sole custody, right? He's violated the court order by not testing when he's supposed to?

I'm a little bit in the same boat, except my STBXAH has mostly managed to adhere to the testing schedule (morning and evening) when he has our kids, every other week. Also I my oldest are teenagers, and I keep in close contact with them to make sure they are safe.

That said, two weeks ago I was certain he'd been drinking when I dropped them off. He'd passed the SL test an hour earlier. I called CPS and was advised there was nothing they could do since I wasn't claiming child abuse (the custodial parent sitting on the couch drunk doesn't qualify). But they said to call the police for a child welfare check, and then to file for sole custody.

I'm still taking it one day at a time. Keep keeping us posted, okay?

CoParentToA

There's no court order. He has monitored "voluntarily" based on mediation.

After his note to our mediator, I responded to say I would pay which backed him into a corner, and he agreed. So he will do three more months of monitoring and we will see how that goes.

bluebird418

Your xAH sounds very similar to mine. There comes a point where the excuses and relapses no longer can be taken at face value and you have to protect your children. It is a tough decision but if I were you I would seek sole custody, and at the very least supervised visitation. My ex used a SCRAM bracelet and the court required it be in working order at all times and if he were to drink/use drugs his visitation would be forfeited until we went back to court. This is after multiple court appearances, promises of treatment/AA that were never fulfilled--always an excuse (too expensive, doesnt like AA etc). It is just buying time so they can drink again. It is terrifying for an active alcoholic to imagine their lives with no alcohol in it.
Anyways, my xah pulled the same crap and stopped paying for the monitor. I said enough is enough and revoked his vistation (joint legal custody, primary physical), 6 months went by before we got a hearing and in that time he got arrested twice for drunk in public. I now have sole custody. Although it is hard to see my 3 year old struggle with the idea of "dad" because hers is no longer in her life, it is a hell of a lot better than her being in danger.

Thumper

My life (and my children's lives) became infinitely more peaceful when I quit trying so hard to make his parenting work. I let it go. All of it. No more ideas, planning, calling, checking, thinking, guessing, wondering, suggesting, supporting, offering. I stopped it all and we began to walk the path of acceptance and healing.

The difference is that I had primary custody and he had visitation so it happened very passively. If that is reversed it will have to be more proactive.

Wishing you and your children a peaceful holiday.

CoParentToA

He tested two and a half hours late today. When I tried to enforce even a modified version of our protocol he said I was being unreasonable and that monitoring was "creating more issues than it is solving" so maybe he should just stop since after all he had been doing it voluntarily to date.

It occurs to me that the late test was intentional - and now he has a new "plausible reason" to discontinue monitoring. SMH.

bluebird418

More excuses! It doesnt seem like he is intent on changing. I do hope mediation works for you but given the circumstances I feel court would be on your side.

Refiner

I don't understand. How does an intentional late test lead to a new "plausible reason" to discontinue monitoring? How in the world does that compute when it actually shows that he must be drinking and needing time to SOBER UP prior to testing which means it can ONLY be a plausible reason to CONTINUE monitoring????? Does he think you are STUPID?????

CoParentToA

He was running around cleaning and doing errands and just forgot! That's going to happen every now and again! If he had known I would want to interpret the agreement "to the letter of the law" he never would have signed it! The testing is designed to catch a relapse like when he SKIPS A DAY completely, not when he's just a little late!

I said myself that I know when he's relapsing!

He's only doing this for my benefit but obviously the way I'm interpreting it, it's causing more problems than it solves - so he should just say forget it.

Honestly I hope he does. Not living up to this agreement - after two late tests - is enough for me to take him to court.

CoParentToA

Oh my god, it is crazy making.

Even now after all this, he has me doubting myself, "He looked ok when he came by, maybe he's fine, maybe I am the one with baggage and I'm overreacting."

I was in touch with his sister, she clearly thinks he was fine last night and doesn't understand why there could be a problem if his test was late but clean.

He is so crazy convincing over the phone.

Still: two "very late" tests the same week he indicates he wants to stop monitoring. At the 2.5 month mark when he typically has struggled historically.

I remind myself to ignore his words and watch instead for his actions.

I don't know. Ugh.

Ariesagain

Trust.your.gut. This isn't an "oops, my bad, do-over" scenario: your children's safety is at risk. If he isn't 250% on board with that reasoning and agreeing with the motivation behind it, then there's something wrong.

My bet is he's gaming the tests just because he thinks he's smarter than everyone else...

bluebird418

If you dont trust your gut, think of your children. Is it even worth the risk?

Refiner

He's just testing you before he goes full out binge and doesn't monitor at all. I see the writing on the wall clearly. Don't doubt yourself and TRUST YOUR GUT!

LexieCat

Maybe he's NOT drinking at the moment. But it seems pretty clear that he's doing a passive-aggressive "non-cooperation" with the process in an effort to get out of it entirely. It's about getting off the hook entirely, I think, so he doesn't have to worry about testing when he HAS been drinking.

Just stick to your guns. "This is the process you agreed to, it's how it works, sorry if you don't care for the details. Testing isn't valid unless protocol is followed."

AnvilheadII

remember, he doesn't really think the rules apply to him......so he'll push every boundary, every deadline, because he can.

is there any reason right now to continue to have conversations with him? you need to avoid getting sucked in any farther............

PuzzledHeart

Another possibility about the late tests: he's too trashed to keep track of when he needs to take it.

If he really wanted to prove that he was a good parent by being sober, he wouldn't be mucking up these time windows. He would be trying to prove to you and to others that he was addressing every single detail. If he was at a job interview, and he showed up fifteen minutes late, he would be done.

Every time he does SoberLink, it is an opportunity for him to prove to you that he is ready and able to parent. Every time he doesn't do it on time, every time he asks you to get rid of it, he is denying himself the opportunity to prove himself a fit parent. He's had a lousy track record so far, why doesn't he want to create a new story for himself? He FORGOT that he had yet another chance to prove to you that he was clean? Is he nuts?

Why is he turning down these chances? Is it because it's a reminder of how much he screwed it up? If so, that's his problem, not yours.

In regards to his sister, all I can say is that if you come from a family where boundaries are not respected, you're less likely to recognize when those same boundaries are being taken down by a bulldozer.