BrokenDown1975

AH is a binge drinker. Goes on a binge maybe once a month. His last binge was to a football game on 10/23. He has not drank since then. When he goes on these binges, he always says I won't drink, but does. Ignores calls and text then strolls in around midnight pretty much blacked out. We see a counselor and she has suggested that he sees a addiction counselor. He has called one but they never called him back. Now he also never called them back. Here comes my problem....

Next Wednesday his work is doing a deep sea fishing trip all day. This will include all the people that he goes on these binges with. He invited me, and I want to go but my fear is what if I get out on this boat and he starts drinking and then after wants to bar hop (cause this is what they do). This place is over an hour away. I told him that I really don't think that it is a good idea for him to go, but he says he won't drink ( of course he will say that). My gut is screaming and now it's causing fights. I don't know what to do. I don't want him to ruin our Thanksgiving.

So many things running through my head and I'm all over the place. My anxiety is going crazy!

Thanks for reading ...sorry for rambling . Think I just needed to get this off my chest before I go crazy

dandylion

BrokenDown......of course, he is going to drink. for your own sake..you might as well accept that this is going to happen. Then go about your usual business without discussing it any further. He already knows how you feel about it.
You CAN scream and fight about it..but, it won't do anything but get y our blood pressure up to the ceiling.....
(this is called "detaching",, around here)

I don't know what to tell you about Thanksgiving...what is the history of that...?

BrokenDown1975

Dandylion- He has never gone out the day before a holiday. I'm just worried that he will drink and then be hung over on Thanksgiving.
Also, not sure if I should go on the fishing trip or just tell him to go alone. Then if he drinks he's drivin home drunk. Ugh.....

Maudcat

You are not overreacting, BD. You are running the play in your head and you know how act III ends. Personally, I would rather cut off a limb than go out on a boat with a bunch of drinkers,, but that's me. Do you go to Al-Anon? Might be a good day for a meeting. You are the boss of you. Perfectly okay to say that you don't like to be around the drinking. I don't know your situation. Your spouse might just say okay and be relieved that you won't be there, or he may say that you are a buzzkill and you never want to have any fun with him, etc. etc. Drinkers are very good at assigning blame to everyone but themselves. Peace.






P

Maudcat

If I may ask, BD, if he is hungover on Thanksgiving, what then? Will there be family repercussions? Does your family know that he drinks? Understand your concern about him driving home from the trip in an impaired state. That's scary. What do his drinking buds do? Do they drive drunk, too? Not judging, just trying to get context.

dandylion

Brokendown......If I were you, I definitely would not go! Why put yourself through that?
I would just tell him that y ou have better things to do than go on a floating drink fest.
If he doesn't like it...I would just tell him that you hope he feels better in the future.

You could always ask him to respect th e holiday and keep the drinking in check.....
Of course, he might get surly and resentful toward you....So, I say to just weigh out which is the worst consequence....
Surly with resentment ...or, hung over.......!

BrokenDown1975

Just answering questions.....
Family outside of our house does not know about his drinking. We have plans to go to his moms house for lunch 45mins away then my parents house for dinner. Not sure what I will do if he is hungover. To be honest.

His friends....yes bad influences. They drink all the time, they also drive.
I just really want for him to say "babe your right, I'm gonna sit this one out".

Thanks so much for your I out...feeling a little lost right now.

maia1234

BD,
I am sorry you are so stressed out over the impending holidays. My axh ruined so many holidays with his self centered antics.

I agree with the above posters. The old codie in me would go, be miserable, drive so he wouldn't drive home drunk and fight to bring him home at a decent hour, knowing that the holiday was the next day.

The healthy me would let him do his thing on his own. Knowing that he will drink, drive drunk, come home late, and be hung over and worthless on the holiday.

I would try and accept that you are married to an alcoholic and alcoholics drink. I would not give a hoot that he will be worthless and miserable on the day. I would ignore his presence and not let it ruin your day. Sorry my friend, this is so common dealing with a selfish addict. We have choices and we do not have to participate in his actions. Lower your expectations that day regarding him, and have a great day.

Hon, you don't have to do anything if he is hung over, it is not your responsibility. Let him feel awful, you act like any other day. His drinking is out of your control.

Maudcat

BrokenDown, I hope you will stick around this site. There are lots of people who have been and are where you are. Good support. There are articles called "stickies"at the top of the main menu here that have info about alcohol dependency and its effect on families. I am an Al-Anon member and can't say enough about the support and help I find there. You are not alone.

Maudcat

Also, and this is my opinion only, I wouldn't be surprised if the families know more than you think. Peace.

BrokenDown1975

I really dont think our families know, only because he drinks 1-2x a month. So they never seen him drink or the next day with the hangover,

FeelingGreat

BD, it's your instinct to cover up for him, but if he is a binge drinker then maybe it's about time he felt the consequences of his choices. If you keep protecting him he has no reason to seek treatment, or even face up to the fact that he's making you unhappy.

PhoenixJ

BD-I agree with all of the above. Drinking + a boat in deep water? Go figure. Stay safe. I hope for his sake- he does too.

Lilro

Good Morning

No, you are not overreacting. you feel the way you feel, don't doubt yourself!

Seems to me you need to start detaching my friend. He wants to go fishing? Let him go. Why would you go with? So you can be aggravated? Do yourself a favor and stay home.
As far as Thanksgiving is concerned. If he's hung over, well tell him to stay home.
This is YOUR LIFE too. Believe me, you are eventually going to get tired of all the stress that comes along with being his other half. It's time to start doing what's good for YOU!
Xo Ro

Yoga

I personally wouldn't want to be trapped on a boat with a bunch of people drinking.

Can you beg off saying you have stuff to prepare for Thanksgiving?

BrokenDown1975

Thank you everyone for your support. I told my AH that I would not be going on the fishing trip with him on Wenesday. He ask why and I said because I didn't wanna be stuck on a boat with him drinking and the bar hoping after all night because you don't know how to stop drinking. His response was... I told you I wasn't gonna drink you have to trust me.
And there lies the problem....I don't trust him. He has told me a thousand times that he won't drink and always does. Maybe he will have the strengh to not drink when everyone else is on the boat but I doubt it.
So, now I wait and see what he does....

This sucks! Stomach has been in knots and I have no appetite.

AnvilheadII

i never understood drinking while on the water.....my "iron clad" tummy just never held up well. especially way out to sea with sometimes limited horizon.

do you WANT to spend the day in cramped quarters with a bunch of drunks AND NO ESCAPE? unless you bring your own arm floaties and jump overboard???

maybe it's time to let the cat out of the bag......i imagine more people know or suspect than you believe you have evaded. maybe you need to look at why you keep this hidden, why you protect him???

you aren't going to stop him from drinking. and you aren't going to stop him from driving after he drinks. and he is not at all likely to PASS, is he?

his drinking is a problem. for you. but that doesn't mean he sees it as a problem. and until he does............

BrokenDown1975

AnvilheadII.
Wow...what you said really spoke to me "his drinking is a problem. For you. But that doesn't mean he sees it as a problem. And until he does...."

You are 100% correct!!! I believe he has a problem. AH has said that he has a problem but he's only willing to stop the nights out binge drinking for me!!! Well, I'm not dumb, I know damn well that he has to stop for himself not anyone else.
I also believe anything that disrupts a household is a problem!!!

dandylion

BrokenDown....I suggest that you keep reading the "stickies" at the top of the main page...especially, the one called "Classic Reading".....
Have you read the book....
CoDependent No More"? it is classic reading, around here.
Knowledge is power.....

BrokenDown1975

Thanks... I have not read the book yet but I think I will be ordering this weekend.

So hard when the person you love and spent 26 years with seems to only care about themselves and become selfish. Why can't they see the pain the cause and how they are destroying us and our family!