Do I have to leave him?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 3
Do I have to leave him?
I am posting again already, sorry. I am reading through a lot of this forum. Do I have to leave him? I dont want to! I love him so much! I really want to be by his side through this.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 41
I'm nowhere near the level of healing that many have achieved, so I can't really say much, but I will say that it's likely MUCH easier if he's your BF versus your H and you have kids and basically your whole lives intertwined.
I think a huge part of my struggle is yes, the love I have for my AH, but we also have a 2 year old and a baby on the way, and share everything--house, money, everything. And that has made my decision making process SO difficult, knowing I have to consider all those things.
I think since he's your BF right now, you're in a great place to really delve into healing--read books, read stuff on here, go to Al-Anon, and try to find one person who has been through this that you can talk to whenever you need it.
I think a huge part of my struggle is yes, the love I have for my AH, but we also have a 2 year old and a baby on the way, and share everything--house, money, everything. And that has made my decision making process SO difficult, knowing I have to consider all those things.
I think since he's your BF right now, you're in a great place to really delve into healing--read books, read stuff on here, go to Al-Anon, and try to find one person who has been through this that you can talk to whenever you need it.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You don't HAVE to do anything. Most of us eventually conclude, some of us after years/decades of living with alcoholism, that it exacts too great a toll on our lives.
Alcoholism, unless it is arrested by getting sober and learning to live happily that way, is always progressive. Consider the possibility that this is the VERY BEST he will ever be. And that it's likely to get much worse before he's motivated to change.
You don't have to decide anything this minute. Learn as much as you can about the disease, and get some help for yourself. Things will become clearer with time, knowledge, and experience.
Alcoholism, unless it is arrested by getting sober and learning to live happily that way, is always progressive. Consider the possibility that this is the VERY BEST he will ever be. And that it's likely to get much worse before he's motivated to change.
You don't have to decide anything this minute. Learn as much as you can about the disease, and get some help for yourself. Things will become clearer with time, knowledge, and experience.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
You don't HAVE to do anything Boomer, in fact I would suggest doing nothing at all until you are able to wrap your mind fully around your reality.
One of my favorite recovery sayings is, "don't just do something, stand there!" ..... sometimes rushing around like a headless chicken causes us more harm than good.
Sometimes we need time to educate ourselves & observe our living situations to make sense of it all. Give yourself that time to decide - UNLESS you are in an abusive situation - that's the only time I advocate hard for leaving.
Keep reading! Keep reaching out for assistance & answers! Have you started reading all the sticky threads at the top of the forum?
One of my favorite recovery sayings is, "don't just do something, stand there!" ..... sometimes rushing around like a headless chicken causes us more harm than good.
Sometimes we need time to educate ourselves & observe our living situations to make sense of it all. Give yourself that time to decide - UNLESS you are in an abusive situation - that's the only time I advocate hard for leaving.
Keep reading! Keep reaching out for assistance & answers! Have you started reading all the sticky threads at the top of the forum?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
I don't have any thing to add in terms of suggestions. I do want you to know that you are welcome to post as much as you want, as often as you want, and as long as you want. We will read every last word you write. That is the whole purpose of SoberRecovery, to give us all a place where someone will listen.
Mike
Moderator, SR
Mike
Moderator, SR
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
boomer....I. also, echo the words of the others--that you don't have to do anything, just because someone else suggests it.
You, and, all of us, get to make o ur own decisions and we get to accept the consequences...good or bad...that result from those decisions.
I will comment on surviving's post..which comes from personal experience....
Be careful of pregnancy...because, these kinds of decisions are a thousand times more complicated and difficult once another person is brought into the equasion.....
You, and, all of us, get to make o ur own decisions and we get to accept the consequences...good or bad...that result from those decisions.
I will comment on surviving's post..which comes from personal experience....
Be careful of pregnancy...because, these kinds of decisions are a thousand times more complicated and difficult once another person is brought into the equasion.....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
By his side through all what exactly? His binges? His drinking? His life becoming unmanageable. Him being emotionally available? If that is what you mean, then that's fine. Go for it. You're an adult and able to make adult choices.
If you mean, through getting him better, then you're dreaming. He's still binging and doesn't want help to stop. And the only person who can get an alcoholic to stop and work on their recovery is them. And (speaking as an A myself, who has heard enough AA shares to understand the importance of hitting rock bottom) they're unlikely to do that until their life is getting really messy. While there's someone helping them sort out their mess, they'll keep drinking and making more mess.
But no. Of course you don't have to leave him. Just make sure that your expectations are realistic and protect yourself financially and physically and emotionally as much as possible.
Have you considered going to an AlAnon meeting? It could be a good idea if you're going to stick with this guy.
If you mean, through getting him better, then you're dreaming. He's still binging and doesn't want help to stop. And the only person who can get an alcoholic to stop and work on their recovery is them. And (speaking as an A myself, who has heard enough AA shares to understand the importance of hitting rock bottom) they're unlikely to do that until their life is getting really messy. While there's someone helping them sort out their mess, they'll keep drinking and making more mess.
But no. Of course you don't have to leave him. Just make sure that your expectations are realistic and protect yourself financially and physically and emotionally as much as possible.
Have you considered going to an AlAnon meeting? It could be a good idea if you're going to stick with this guy.
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