amy55

It's the people who are living with people that need therapy, those are the ones that usually seek help. I once read somewhere there was a question as to how do you know that someone is depressed. The answer was that if you spend 5 minutes listening to that person, and after those 5 minutes you just want to get in bed and not get up again, then you just talked to a person who is depressed and wants to blame the world for everything.

For those who know my story........... My drama queen daughter filed a restraining order on her H. That night, she moved her boyfriend in. Then her and her boyfriend leased a house with option to buy.

My crazy drama queen daughter is banking on alimony and child support. She also thinks that she has 100% custody of her children. I asked her, "Is that what the judge ordered"? She told me that this is what her lawyer is proposing.

So she is calling everyone in the Family saying that her stbx kidnapped the children. I asked her again if she ever had a custody decision made? So, after I told her that she does not have a legal leg to stand on because custody has not been addressed in the court, she then called my son.

Hysterically crying again, she called my son about her stbx kidnapping the children. He basically asked her the same things that I did, and he told her that without a court order granting her 100% custody, that the kids were not kidnapped, and that he wants to support her, but that she has to stop lying. Well, I think you can guess what happened. She hung up on him. My son then called me. Shortly after my crazy daughter was calling me, and I did not answer, because I was talking to my son, but called her back 15 minutes later. As usual, she didn't answer the phone. I called her back because my son asked me too, and said that he doesn't know how I do it, but it seemed that I was the only able to get through to her, and he wanted me to be supportive to her.

I tried calling her today, twice already. Will be making at least one more or two more calls, and expecting to get ..............crickets..........

My son told me that in her photo's on facebook that she took a selfie with her and her boyfriend in bed.

I got a phone call from her "boyfriend" the other day. It was to tell me that she was OK, after being in police station that day, and that she was hitting the punching bag. OK.... whatever. He also told me that she punched him a few times in the car after the police station, and he told me that he can take that, that she was just upset.....OK

I just have to keep everything together here until 12/10/16. It's the baby shower for my son and dtr in law. I can even go earlier then 12/10/16 if I get the baby shower list, with addresses and the count of people that emailed her. But, since she hung up on my son, I do doubt that I will get that info.

There are so many people here in worst situations then I am in. I really just wanted to dump my problems here so that I could just walk away from them.

((((((((((((hugs to everyone))))))))))))))
amy

Ariesagain

Every time you jump when she has a "crisis," it reinforces her. I know you know this...she's a drama addict and it's just giving her a fix. Your son's heart is in the right place but he needs to understand that, too. Nobody is going to "get through to her." And I would expect the new boyfriend won't last long.

Is there a way to just focus only on the baby shower and ignore her completely?

dandylion

amy....it seems like t he family, in general, looks to you as a "hub" of sorts....
The one that they run to- to "fix" whatever is wrong...to explain whatever the latest disaster is about...to mop up the damage that has been done to one or another of the family members. to make everything o.k.
It looks, to me, like you carry a large (the largest) burden of responsibility in the family for all that goes wrong or that can go wrong.
It also looks, to me, like you are geared for accepting that responsibility..much more than is fair.
That, in effect, makes you the responsibility dumping ground for all the rest.
Ugh---the worst of all places..responsibility without authority. (by "without authority", I mean that you do not have the ability to control other p eople, any more than any one of us does).....
I picture them running to you with a hot plate of coals....and, by instjnct or just reflex, you accept the plate......

Amy, this is just how it looks, to me, as I am sitting on the top of the hill looking down....
I don't know if it looks that way to you or not....

LexieCat

So what would happen if you just let someone else do the baby shower arrangements? You show up with a gift (or mail it, if it promises to be a disaster)? You invite your son and DIL for a special brunch or something--just the three of you?

No matter what you do, you aren't going to make this just a happy family gathering.

You can RESIGN from this role you've taken on.

Seriously, what would happen? Could things get more messy than they already are? Frankly, I don't see how.

PuzzledHeart

Ay yay yay - I wrote a post, and the browser decided after months to log me out as I was posting. So my past words are now just digital vapor. Eek!

I am trying very hard to no longer be the family fixer-upper. That means that 1) I make very clear that I will no longer serve as referee. 2) My new deal with my sister: I no longer try to give advice that is unwanted anyway, no matter how reasonable that advice is. So the next time she vents to me, my two standard responses will be "That's horrible" and "I'm sorry things are so stressful for you right now." Because it's unfair to give her the impression that I can fix things that only she can fix for herself.

I like Lexie's suggestion of an alterna-shower.

amy55

I'm in for this long because I am paying for the baby shower. All I want from her is the invite list, addresses, and who had contacted her via email that they will be coming. I can take care of the rest

I'm going to send her an email tonight for this info. I doubt I will get a reply. I'm the one who is responsible for the restaurant rental. I wish I could do it another way, but this has all been set in motion right now.

You know, I kind of did this for family unity. I never thought the drama queen would want to screw up her brother and sister-in-laws baby shower. Now I know better.

I can't play "nice" with her, and lie to her about what she will get in the divorce. I just can't play that game. I do think before the end of the year she will cut herself off from everyone. And that's Ok.

Thanks for listening
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy

AnvilheadII

this all sounds like WAY too much drama for one baby shower.
which will last roughly two hours.
can't your son and DIL tell you who THEY want to invite and just skip over the sister?
i think that you too are feeding off the drama, Amy.....you say you don't want to be involved, but you stay very involved.

amy55

I have no excuses. This was always against my better judgement. I had mentioned to my mom that I was thinking of a baby shower in NJ, since my son and DIL live in Maryland, and my family and my ex's family live in NJ and NY. My mom asked me if I could please have my daughter help me with this. I told my mom, OK, since I live in Pa.

So she rented a place, (actually, I put down the deposit), and she sent out the invites. Then the whole drama thing started with her divorce and the guy moving in with her, then she is renting a house with this guy.

I really can't say that I am not delighted in the fact that in the last 2 weeks my 2 youngest children are now a lot closer to me, and just trying to understand what is going on, and now are questioning a lot about the restraining order that she had tried to file on me.

I am not trying to manipulate anyone here though. I am trying to tell my daughter that in the state of NJ if you are cohabitating with someone, I doubt you will get alimony. Also trying to tell her not to think that she will get 100% custody, and if she doesn't then child support is reduced, and then reduced further because her children get social security. So far, I am the only one that she hasn't hung the phone up on yet.

I would love to say, forget all of this, lose the deposit, and do it on my own, but Christmas is coming, and I wouldn't be able to get a different place, or do anything about the invites that already went out, or didn't go out. I can't change the date of it, because it's a 4 hour drive for son and DIL, and I can't push it into January. She is due 2/2/2017.

This is where I go back to the beginning of this. I have no excuse for trying to work out something with my daughter. That was just plain stupid.


Thank You
amy

Ariesagain

Do you know if this party is still something they want? That's a long drive for an expectant mom and she may well be exhausted and given the family drama, may be just as happy to forget about it. It wouldn't be the first time everyone ended up doing something no one wanted just because they thought it was important to others.

As for daughter...if you can't go no contact because of her kids, surely minimal contact...and maybe better if you contact them directly. Are they old enough for that?

She is a toxic person and that will not change. The only way to win is not to play.

amy55

Ariesagain,

Thank you. It's been rough in the beginning, but I did learn a lot from this forum. First, my son really does want this baby shower, he can't make it in for Christmas and he wanted to see relatives and friends. Second, my sister invited them to stay the night. It makes the trip easier.

I've been here and I have been listening. I do have to say that initially, it was like, "oh no, here we go again". Surprisingly, she is no longer calling me in hysterics, she is no longer telling me many untruths. I had told her that I would support here, but she needed to stay calm, listen, know that a judge will not want to hear her hysterics, and that you need to have court approved papers, and other then that, you can't force your stbx to be cooperative, and amicable about anything. She is still being crazy with whoever else allows it, but not with me. I never thought I could achieve that, but thanks to this forum, I was able to get there, and I have to tell you, it feels good. If, or when she tries to walk all over me again, she is cut off.

I did get the list from her for this baby shower, I got the list of who has responded to her via email.

I was very surprised today. My ex's sister called me. I missed that phone call, but she left a message that her and her daughter will be attending the shower. I was really surprised that she called me, instead of emailing my daughter, but that made me feel really good. I have always liked his family and we still send X-Mas cards.

So, I am here to thank everyone here for helping me to grow a backbone. I am standing taller today, then I ever stood.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy