So then yesterday happened......
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So then yesterday happened......
After my pitty potty post where my youngest DD found the liquor bottle the entire day became, weird maybe....I'm not sure.
I knew after she found that bottle I would be coming home to ask him to leave because he could no longer live with us behaving this way.
On the way to the sitter's my youngest DD expressed herself and said she couldn't believe he was drinking and asked me if she could tell her dad her thoughts. I said okay later this evening you can. In the back of my mind I figured it wouldn't matter as he would be passed out...
My oldest DD text me that she didn't want to be home with him because she just couldn't be home with him. I made arrangements for her to be with her best friend and her mom after school today and tomorrow.
I came to work and I did just that, I worked.... I didn't overthink anything I was actually focused and it felt good. At lunch, out of habit, I called my AH because that's what we do, call on our lunch breaks. He didn't pick up, which I knew he wouldn't. Back to work I went. To my surprise he called me back after about an hour. I cringed because I know what his voice sounds like when he has been drinking, but he sounded clear headed which shocked me.
His words didn't really make much sense to me so I had him repeat himself - he told me that our neighbor came over to thank him for taking his trash can from the road, then he reached into his pocket and confronted him about drinking again. Apparently the neighbor opened his trash and saw one of the empties and knew he was drinking. They talked for over 2 hours. During our conversation my AH told me he was putting his shoes on to leave to "buy more" when the knock came on the door. I was thinking in my head well I was coming home to kick your a@@ to the road....
Fast forward to the conversations....they were long but basically both of the girls each had a turn to speak to dad privately (just the three of us) and told him that they didn't trust him anymore and neither one of them felt safe with him.
My favorite lines from each of them:
Teen DD, "If you continue to behave like this I don't want you to be in our home...."
Youngest DD.... "I don't feel safe that you drive me or stay home with our pets because if you are drinking then you can go crazy..."
His response to them - he said he was sick and had a disease and he knows he needs help. He apologized, of course. He and I both explained to each of them that "dad doesn't drink to hurt us". He also told both of them that he knows he has to stop drinking and can never drink again and because none of us trust him he will have to take action to show us that he is serious this time and that he will seek help. He also said he knew that if he did drink again and continued this behavior that he would lose all of us and he didn't want that to happen.
My oldest, who would self harmed herself in the past, related her pain with self harm and not being able to stop to his drinking. She added that she was glad she got help and was able to not herself anymore.
All in all the conversations were good and he was not impaired and listened to the girls. I made sure I explained to the girls, in front of the AH, that it was good for them to express themselves but they needed to remember that dad makes choices and he added that he was going to make better choices.
The night ended on a more pleasant note than I expected. I also mentioned to all of them that we all have a long journey of healing ahead of us and it is up to each of us to make the right choices so we can heal.
I have been "alone" for a while, this talk changes nothing unless his actions change. I am still developing a plan because no matter what I have myself and my girls to worry about at the moment.
Thanks for reading,
KTT
I knew after she found that bottle I would be coming home to ask him to leave because he could no longer live with us behaving this way.
On the way to the sitter's my youngest DD expressed herself and said she couldn't believe he was drinking and asked me if she could tell her dad her thoughts. I said okay later this evening you can. In the back of my mind I figured it wouldn't matter as he would be passed out...
My oldest DD text me that she didn't want to be home with him because she just couldn't be home with him. I made arrangements for her to be with her best friend and her mom after school today and tomorrow.
I came to work and I did just that, I worked.... I didn't overthink anything I was actually focused and it felt good. At lunch, out of habit, I called my AH because that's what we do, call on our lunch breaks. He didn't pick up, which I knew he wouldn't. Back to work I went. To my surprise he called me back after about an hour. I cringed because I know what his voice sounds like when he has been drinking, but he sounded clear headed which shocked me.
His words didn't really make much sense to me so I had him repeat himself - he told me that our neighbor came over to thank him for taking his trash can from the road, then he reached into his pocket and confronted him about drinking again. Apparently the neighbor opened his trash and saw one of the empties and knew he was drinking. They talked for over 2 hours. During our conversation my AH told me he was putting his shoes on to leave to "buy more" when the knock came on the door. I was thinking in my head well I was coming home to kick your a@@ to the road....
Fast forward to the conversations....they were long but basically both of the girls each had a turn to speak to dad privately (just the three of us) and told him that they didn't trust him anymore and neither one of them felt safe with him.
My favorite lines from each of them:
Teen DD, "If you continue to behave like this I don't want you to be in our home...."
Youngest DD.... "I don't feel safe that you drive me or stay home with our pets because if you are drinking then you can go crazy..."
His response to them - he said he was sick and had a disease and he knows he needs help. He apologized, of course. He and I both explained to each of them that "dad doesn't drink to hurt us". He also told both of them that he knows he has to stop drinking and can never drink again and because none of us trust him he will have to take action to show us that he is serious this time and that he will seek help. He also said he knew that if he did drink again and continued this behavior that he would lose all of us and he didn't want that to happen.
My oldest, who would self harmed herself in the past, related her pain with self harm and not being able to stop to his drinking. She added that she was glad she got help and was able to not herself anymore.
All in all the conversations were good and he was not impaired and listened to the girls. I made sure I explained to the girls, in front of the AH, that it was good for them to express themselves but they needed to remember that dad makes choices and he added that he was going to make better choices.
The night ended on a more pleasant note than I expected. I also mentioned to all of them that we all have a long journey of healing ahead of us and it is up to each of us to make the right choices so we can heal.
I have been "alone" for a while, this talk changes nothing unless his actions change. I am still developing a plan because no matter what I have myself and my girls to worry about at the moment.
Thanks for reading,
KTT
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Wow. You are raising some great kiddos.
I hope for everyone's sake this sinks into his brain. The neighbor bit gives me the shivers. On my fourth night sober a well-meaning neighbor brought me a cold beer after the two of us had spent the whole day coping with a sewer flood in my basement. I said, "No, thanks," and it really was the moment I believed I could DO this (she had no idea about my problem). Sometimes help comes in unexpected ways.
I hope for everyone's sake this sinks into his brain. The neighbor bit gives me the shivers. On my fourth night sober a well-meaning neighbor brought me a cold beer after the two of us had spent the whole day coping with a sewer flood in my basement. I said, "No, thanks," and it really was the moment I believed I could DO this (she had no idea about my problem). Sometimes help comes in unexpected ways.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Wow. You are raising some great kiddos.
I hope for everyone's sake this sinks into his brain. The neighbor bit gives me the shivers. On my fourth night sober a well-meaning neighbor brought me a cold beer after the two of us had spent the whole day coping with a sewer flood in my basement. I said, "No, thanks," and it really was the moment I believed I could DO this (she had no idea about my problem). Sometimes help comes in unexpected ways.
I hope for everyone's sake this sinks into his brain. The neighbor bit gives me the shivers. On my fourth night sober a well-meaning neighbor brought me a cold beer after the two of us had spent the whole day coping with a sewer flood in my basement. I said, "No, thanks," and it really was the moment I believed I could DO this (she had no idea about my problem). Sometimes help comes in unexpected ways.
As their mother it is my responsibility to raise them in a safe environment. I will do what I have to do to make that happen!
I'm still praying and because I have not really decided if he stays or not......
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Oh and to add to that, we did speak today and he offered to pickup the youngest DD and I said "No, she made it clear to you yesterday that she did not feel safe with you in a car. I don't want you to show up and she start to freak out. I will get her".
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Originally Posted by Refiner
Sounds like a lot of nice words from him. Forgive me if I missed it in your other posts, but has he started a recovery program or does he think he can just stop on his own?
That's how I see it.
Bottom line is his actions will speak volumes and he knows the consequences.
Taking this all one day at a time....
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Originally Posted by Eauchiche
I wish you and your kids the best.
The fact that your kids HAVE to speak to their father this way is a very sad commentary on the disease.
The fact that your kids HAVE to speak to their father this way is a very sad commentary on the disease.
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