Did I do the wrong thing?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 83
Did I do the wrong thing?
Alcoholic bf of 5 years checked into a facility for Addiction and Mental Health. On his own initiation. Suicidal and desperate.
I am the only one who knew and I had to update his work, college and parents. I am pretty sure I kept a good standard for not being an enabler, and instead just helping in a practical capacity.
Some context, his parents are drinkers, "functioning alcoholics" if you can call it that when it makes the family dysfunctional and all. Both his parents had an emotional response. His mother wanted to visit him very much. I knew he would be stressed by her visit. He did clearly express not wanting to talk to anyone. I told his mother that although he didn't seem to want to talk to anyone at all not to take it personally. AND, that her feelings are important too and if she feels she needs/wants to see her son to have hat security that he is in safe then to go visit. She visited and he got upset and said he had told me to say he didnt want them to visit.
I just don't think isolation is going to help. Maybe I'm wrong. But what I can say in my defense is that one thing I feel I have learned, is that everyone's feelings are important. As much as it may be his right to shut her out, it has to be him that does it not me. He is his own man. Im not here to fight his battles for him. And she shouldn't have to hold back from expressing that she cares, just for his benefit. Should she have that right/privilege? Should I not have let her visit? Did I do the wrong thing?
I am the only one who knew and I had to update his work, college and parents. I am pretty sure I kept a good standard for not being an enabler, and instead just helping in a practical capacity.
Some context, his parents are drinkers, "functioning alcoholics" if you can call it that when it makes the family dysfunctional and all. Both his parents had an emotional response. His mother wanted to visit him very much. I knew he would be stressed by her visit. He did clearly express not wanting to talk to anyone. I told his mother that although he didn't seem to want to talk to anyone at all not to take it personally. AND, that her feelings are important too and if she feels she needs/wants to see her son to have hat security that he is in safe then to go visit. She visited and he got upset and said he had told me to say he didnt want them to visit.
I just don't think isolation is going to help. Maybe I'm wrong. But what I can say in my defense is that one thing I feel I have learned, is that everyone's feelings are important. As much as it may be his right to shut her out, it has to be him that does it not me. He is his own man. Im not here to fight his battles for him. And she shouldn't have to hold back from expressing that she cares, just for his benefit. Should she have that right/privilege? Should I not have let her visit? Did I do the wrong thing?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Nope, I think you did EXACTLY the right thing. It's not your job to be gatekeeper. You expressed his wishes to her, you also took into account HER feelings (totally appropriate) and left it to her to decide what action to take.
I think it was PERFECT. You might take some heat for it, but it's their problem, not your fault.
I think it was PERFECT. You might take some heat for it, but it's their problem, not your fault.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 83
Thank you so much. I just needed to hear it from someone else other than my own mind. I feel so much better. Yes, I might take some heat for it, but it was worth it to not play gatekeeper and custodian. I'm only one person in this scenario that involves many. Who am I to play boss.
Thank you, thank you, thank you
Thank you, thank you, thank you
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