After a bender, off to rehab for first time.
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After a bender, off to rehab for first time.
Pretty hopeful today,
He left Saturday morning after being basically fired from his job, and went on a bender until last night when I found out what hotel he was at...After calling every person he knows, talked to him this morning and he was saying he needs rehab...then didn't talk to me, after doing more research me and his father found out him and a "friend" was planning to go pick up some stuff. I told his friend I am calling the cops and he dropped him off, his brother who has 3 years under his belt is bringing him now to a beautiful treatment center...I am hopeful, We are not fully back together as I wana see how this goes. But this is the first time he has ever went to a treatment center. I will not visit him for a while, but I do miss him very bad.
He was ignoring me even after his brother picked him up, and a friend who is dealing with similar circumstances said it is because he is ashamed? I dont know how I feel about that. If thats just a bad excuse.
He left Saturday morning after being basically fired from his job, and went on a bender until last night when I found out what hotel he was at...After calling every person he knows, talked to him this morning and he was saying he needs rehab...then didn't talk to me, after doing more research me and his father found out him and a "friend" was planning to go pick up some stuff. I told his friend I am calling the cops and he dropped him off, his brother who has 3 years under his belt is bringing him now to a beautiful treatment center...I am hopeful, We are not fully back together as I wana see how this goes. But this is the first time he has ever went to a treatment center. I will not visit him for a while, but I do miss him very bad.
He was ignoring me even after his brother picked him up, and a friend who is dealing with similar circumstances said it is because he is ashamed? I dont know how I feel about that. If thats just a bad excuse.
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I wouldn't get TOO hopeful if I were you. This is an opportunity for him, but it remains to be seen if he will take advantage of it--the odds aren't great. It COULD happen, but just keep your expectations WAY down. Rehabs aren't like cancer hospitals. You don't go in and get some terrific treatment and just hope it works. There is a lot of work necessary on his end, and even more important, a ton of willingness.
And incidentally, even if he DOES jump into recovery with both feet, don't expect him to be all better anytime soon--it's a slow process and most people in early recovery aren't that pleasant to be around.
And incidentally, even if he DOES jump into recovery with both feet, don't expect him to be all better anytime soon--it's a slow process and most people in early recovery aren't that pleasant to be around.
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Hello Lexiecat,
that is a valid point. I hope he does, I will not have contact for a long time, but I am hoping it will work. I think I had 100% expectations of him coming out and being clean and sober....My dad went to rehab when I was little and from what I know stayed clean and sober, so maybe I am just assuming off that...But I know they are different people. Okay, I should lower my expectations a bit and see where it goes..Hopefully great.
I just found out that it will take about 45- 60 days in, and then maybe a 90 day half way house type of deal...this is so long, I sit here crying not sure if I should A. cry because I am letting him go, or B. cry because I am lonely he is not here, BUT take a chance he will come home clean and sober. Ya know? I am praying for B.
Thank you for the input, I should take a step back and look at big picture.
that is a valid point. I hope he does, I will not have contact for a long time, but I am hoping it will work. I think I had 100% expectations of him coming out and being clean and sober....My dad went to rehab when I was little and from what I know stayed clean and sober, so maybe I am just assuming off that...But I know they are different people. Okay, I should lower my expectations a bit and see where it goes..Hopefully great.
I just found out that it will take about 45- 60 days in, and then maybe a 90 day half way house type of deal...this is so long, I sit here crying not sure if I should A. cry because I am letting him go, or B. cry because I am lonely he is not here, BUT take a chance he will come home clean and sober. Ya know? I am praying for B.
Thank you for the input, I should take a step back and look at big picture.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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I get where you're coming from. My first husband got sober in AA and never picked up another drink (36 years now). I think I was overly optimistic when I married my second husband after he'd been sober just a few months after almost dying from drinking. Sadly, he went right back to it shortly after we married--I left him a few months later.
I'd suggest you take this time to read all you can on this website, and also to find an Al-Anon group. Educate yourself about alcoholism, just so you know what you're dealing with (and what he's dealing with).
You don't have to decide this minute (or even in the next few months, assuming he stays with the program) to decide whether you have a future with him. Work on yourself and take good care of yourself, and you will be ahead of the game regardless of whether he stays sober or not.
I'd suggest you take this time to read all you can on this website, and also to find an Al-Anon group. Educate yourself about alcoholism, just so you know what you're dealing with (and what he's dealing with).
You don't have to decide this minute (or even in the next few months, assuming he stays with the program) to decide whether you have a future with him. Work on yourself and take good care of yourself, and you will be ahead of the game regardless of whether he stays sober or not.
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while this is Wait and See time, that doesn't mean that you put your life on hold. if he's in rehab for 30, then sober living for 90, that is FOUR months of YOUR life. now is the time to get busy getting yourself propped up with support, learning more about addiction and codependency, so you know what to work on and what to look out for.
also remember, rehab is voluntary and he could leave at any time. OR he could extend his stay. he may take this seriously, seize recovery like a dying man and knock this out of the park. he may do well for a time, and then relapse. he may drink the day he gets out. anything is possible.
but rehab won't FIX him. they'll give him a tool box and some tools and show him how to use them, and then it's up to him.
wishing you the best!
also remember, rehab is voluntary and he could leave at any time. OR he could extend his stay. he may take this seriously, seize recovery like a dying man and knock this out of the park. he may do well for a time, and then relapse. he may drink the day he gets out. anything is possible.
but rehab won't FIX him. they'll give him a tool box and some tools and show him how to use them, and then it's up to him.
wishing you the best!
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I have been checking this website, reading, writing for the last few days. I have been reading about alcoholism, and iv use for a while. But a lot today, I have also started to read about co-dependency...Which I have just found out I may be to him, I knew I was his mom and care-giver but did not know I am co-dependent. Thanks to this website, I understand.
Would it be wrong to leave in the middle of his rehab stay? (If and when he stays?)
As of now I am working on myself, I am trying to get school done, trying to work out, eat better and possibly even go to a AA meeting myself, just to check it out. I want to be ahead of the game.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s/thankyou.gif
Would it be wrong to leave in the middle of his rehab stay? (If and when he stays?)
As of now I am working on myself, I am trying to get school done, trying to work out, eat better and possibly even go to a AA meeting myself, just to check it out. I want to be ahead of the game.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s/thankyou.gif
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Hello AnvilleheadII,
I cant stop thinking about that, his brother told me at first it would be 28 days. And then after getting him admitted, he told me 28 days isnt long enough for anyone, and that he will be there 45-60 days at first. And then move to a half way house, IN the same town we live together. I do not understand why he cant come home after, sleep in the same bed, be with me. Not just come for a visit to his own home, and then go to a half way house, to me it makes no sense. But I guess I am not supposed too.
Growing up with addiction in family, I thought I knew. But I have never loved as a partner an addict/ alcoholic. I have read more and more, and especially on Co-dependency , which I am. "Co-dependency is driven by the agreement that I will work harder on your problem and your life than you do. This is not love"...Just something I saw while looking around today.
I have not thought of that, I am hoping he will knock it out of the park, he seems so miserably with himself. I have not even thought of the relapse after the rehab, but I know I need to.
One other feeling I have been having, Is I feel like I am the only one trying to find him during his binders, his family loves him so much, but they dont try and get him to rehab? or find him at various motels, or contact his friends? is that just because they have set boundaries? or maybe they are not co dependent any more? ?? I know people have must have experienced this before. I know how much his family cares for him, but I feel they dont show it?
I cant stop thinking about that, his brother told me at first it would be 28 days. And then after getting him admitted, he told me 28 days isnt long enough for anyone, and that he will be there 45-60 days at first. And then move to a half way house, IN the same town we live together. I do not understand why he cant come home after, sleep in the same bed, be with me. Not just come for a visit to his own home, and then go to a half way house, to me it makes no sense. But I guess I am not supposed too.
Growing up with addiction in family, I thought I knew. But I have never loved as a partner an addict/ alcoholic. I have read more and more, and especially on Co-dependency , which I am. "Co-dependency is driven by the agreement that I will work harder on your problem and your life than you do. This is not love"...Just something I saw while looking around today.
I have not thought of that, I am hoping he will knock it out of the park, he seems so miserably with himself. I have not even thought of the relapse after the rehab, but I know I need to.
One other feeling I have been having, Is I feel like I am the only one trying to find him during his binders, his family loves him so much, but they dont try and get him to rehab? or find him at various motels, or contact his friends? is that just because they have set boundaries? or maybe they are not co dependent any more? ?? I know people have must have experienced this before. I know how much his family cares for him, but I feel they dont show it?
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One other feeling I have been having, Is I feel like I am the only one trying to find him during his binders, his family loves him so much, but they dont try and get him to rehab? or find him at various motels, or contact his friends? is that just because they have set boundaries? or maybe they are not co dependent any more? ?? I know people have must have experienced this before. I know how much his family cares for him, but I feel they dont show it?
When you chase around, looking for him, trying to make sure he's OK, you are insulating him from the consequences of his choices. What reason would he have to get sober when he can count on you to pick up the pieces afterwards? He's an adult, not a small child who's unable to care for himself--if he wants to drink, that's his choice. Your choices revolve around you and your life.
I'm glad you found us here at SR. Between SR and Alanon, there is a lot of help to be found, and I hope you can utilize both. Make sure to take a look at the stickies at the top of the page in this forum too--there is a lot of great information and inspiration there. As others have said, even though it may not feel like it, this time away from him is really a gift. Use it to educate yourself and put a support system in place. That way, no matter what he does or doesn't do, you'll be on your way to a happier, healthier life.
Keep reading, keep posting--hope to see you around the forums!
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you BF has been in a very bad head space for a long time....you mention not only drinking but IV drug use. that isn't something you "get over" in a couple of weeks. or a couple of months.
like it or not, these things happened WHILE he was living with you and sleeping next to you in bed. it too was part of the lifestyle. you became a caretaker and enabler - looking after him, hauling him out of motels when he was on a spinner, even classifying yourself as his mother. that all creates a breeding ground for addiction to run rampant.
he really needs to focus on learning how to quit and STAY QUIT. and he needs to learn how to re-enter the real world, on his own, sticking close to recovery and the structure offered by sober living. if he can't hack it THERE........coming home surely won't fix the problem.
you also need to time to get some stuff figured out. like what LOVE is....and what it looks like. to really understand what you have been thru due to HIS addiction. and the unhealthy dynamics that have developed. you really can't HELP him with this.....but he can. you can't fix this, but he can bring it back to a manageable condition by committing to NEVER USING AGAIN. ever. there will not be a time when it is SAFE for him to drink again. he'll never be cured.
like it or not, these things happened WHILE he was living with you and sleeping next to you in bed. it too was part of the lifestyle. you became a caretaker and enabler - looking after him, hauling him out of motels when he was on a spinner, even classifying yourself as his mother. that all creates a breeding ground for addiction to run rampant.
he really needs to focus on learning how to quit and STAY QUIT. and he needs to learn how to re-enter the real world, on his own, sticking close to recovery and the structure offered by sober living. if he can't hack it THERE........coming home surely won't fix the problem.
you also need to time to get some stuff figured out. like what LOVE is....and what it looks like. to really understand what you have been thru due to HIS addiction. and the unhealthy dynamics that have developed. you really can't HELP him with this.....but he can. you can't fix this, but he can bring it back to a manageable condition by committing to NEVER USING AGAIN. ever. there will not be a time when it is SAFE for him to drink again. he'll never be cured.
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Thank you for sharing Zepplin92, I really benefit from hearing your thoughts. I can draw parallels to my own. I am currently sitting in a waiting room, while my A bf, gets assessed by social worker and then psychiatrist. I am guarded about my hope. Some part of my brain. Refuses to picture the worst case scenario. My mind keeps saying positive things, but I need to remember to be realistic and Anvil head is SO RIGHT. Time to work on me. And you too! Let's spend our energy on ourselves. I need me. And you need yourself. Be patient. And be hopefully, because its human nature to hope. But don't forget all the possibilities. It's not smooth sailing. And it's not easy. Even best case scenario is difficult too! I still don't wanna believe that one, but I know it.
Glad you found SR. I think you will find a lot of good stuff here, and we will all learn from you too ;-)
Glad you found SR. I think you will find a lot of good stuff here, and we will all learn from you too ;-)
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Welcome to SR Zeppelin. I'm glad you found your way here.
It sounds like you have started along quite the learning curve as far as codependency and how we friends, family and partners get sucked into being part of the problem. Irk.
Along with learning everything you can, please be gentle with yourself. Take care of yourself too; eat well; try to get a bit of exercise and let us know how you are doing.
It sounds like you have started along quite the learning curve as far as codependency and how we friends, family and partners get sucked into being part of the problem. Irk.
Along with learning everything you can, please be gentle with yourself. Take care of yourself too; eat well; try to get a bit of exercise and let us know how you are doing.
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Hi Honeypig,
I see what you mean. I have also read that in the other articles on co-dependency, that I am allowing him not to suffer the natural consequences of what happens after he does these things...To be fair, his family lives in the next state over, but even that is not an excuse. My Abf is almost 30 years old, a grown man. I just hate to see him in that much pain he seems to be in when he goes MIA. But this is still no excuse for my behaviors...I hear that all the time from my own family members, that he is not a little kid, that he is an adult. Grown man. You said it is like a gift, it kind of is I have thought today, because: Because he is in rehab, I can not talk to him...Usually if I am feeling angry or sad, I run to him to talk, now because he is not available, and the sadness is coming from him..I need to build another support system, a strong one. Thank you so much for the input and helping me put all of this confusing stuff together.
I see what you mean. I have also read that in the other articles on co-dependency, that I am allowing him not to suffer the natural consequences of what happens after he does these things...To be fair, his family lives in the next state over, but even that is not an excuse. My Abf is almost 30 years old, a grown man. I just hate to see him in that much pain he seems to be in when he goes MIA. But this is still no excuse for my behaviors...I hear that all the time from my own family members, that he is not a little kid, that he is an adult. Grown man. You said it is like a gift, it kind of is I have thought today, because: Because he is in rehab, I can not talk to him...Usually if I am feeling angry or sad, I run to him to talk, now because he is not available, and the sadness is coming from him..I need to build another support system, a strong one. Thank you so much for the input and helping me put all of this confusing stuff together.
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Hello Natasha,
This is exactly why this website is so-so great when you dont have al-anon meetings close by, you find people that are going through the same damn things. The most painful things. I am not sure if this is your bfs first time in rehab, and you dont have to tell me of-coarse, but it is my bfs first time. And you would not believe how much I have already googled, and read on what happens next, what if, what if...., what to write them, what to not do, ect...
Realistic is something I may not be coping with, for example his brother and my mother has said that he may not make the 40 days...I never even thought of that before this website and them! I just thought like any other hospitals, he goes in, gets cured and walks on out...So naive and stupid, but I still have hope he will stay for a long time and work on himself. While we build our own support pillars, and figure out what we want and what we need to do. Thanks for being here Natasha.
This is exactly why this website is so-so great when you dont have al-anon meetings close by, you find people that are going through the same damn things. The most painful things. I am not sure if this is your bfs first time in rehab, and you dont have to tell me of-coarse, but it is my bfs first time. And you would not believe how much I have already googled, and read on what happens next, what if, what if...., what to write them, what to not do, ect...
Realistic is something I may not be coping with, for example his brother and my mother has said that he may not make the 40 days...I never even thought of that before this website and them! I just thought like any other hospitals, he goes in, gets cured and walks on out...So naive and stupid, but I still have hope he will stay for a long time and work on himself. While we build our own support pillars, and figure out what we want and what we need to do. Thanks for being here Natasha.
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Originally Posted by Zeppelin92 
now because he is not available, and the sadness is coming from him..I need to build another support system, a strong one. Thank you so much for the input and helping me put all of this confusing stuff together.
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Originally Posted by Zeppelin92
Hello Natasha,
This is exactly why this website is so-so great when you dont have al-anon meetings close by, you find people that are going through the same damn things. The most painful things. I am not sure if this is your bfs first time in rehab, and you dont have to tell me of-coarse, but it is my bfs first time. And you would not believe how much I have already googled, and read on what happens next, what if, what if...., what to write them, what to not do, ect...
Realistic is something I may not be coping with, for example his brother and my mother has said that he may not make the 40 days...I never even thought of that before this website and them! I just thought like any other hospitals, he goes in, gets cured and walks on out...So naive and stupid, but I still have hope he will stay for a long time and work on himself. While we build our own support pillars, and figure out what we want and what we need to do. Thanks for being here Natasha.
This is exactly why this website is so-so great when you dont have al-anon meetings close by, you find people that are going through the same damn things. The most painful things. I am not sure if this is your bfs first time in rehab, and you dont have to tell me of-coarse, but it is my bfs first time. And you would not believe how much I have already googled, and read on what happens next, what if, what if...., what to write them, what to not do, ect...
Realistic is something I may not be coping with, for example his brother and my mother has said that he may not make the 40 days...I never even thought of that before this website and them! I just thought like any other hospitals, he goes in, gets cured and walks on out...So naive and stupid, but I still have hope he will stay for a long time and work on himself. While we build our own support pillars, and figure out what we want and what we need to do. Thanks for being here Natasha.
I'm hurting in sympathy for you. The thought of him not even making the 40 days is a scary one and that must have hit you hard. I would say picturing the future of his condition and his path is a dangerous thing to do. I hope you remember to focus on picturing your future. I read a section about "self-care" on here recently. I think that's SO important and that's what I'm realizing and I have been processing in the week before he went in. And I'm glad for the timing because I'm not sitting here thinking only of him. I'm proud to say, (and I think it's at least one small step in the right direction or me) that although I am thinking about him and what to bring him at the hospital and how to take care of things he had to drop out here to go in there so suddenly, I AM STILL PAUSING TO THINK ABOUT MYSELF AND WHATS NEXT FOR ME AND TO WORRY ABOUT MYSELF!! :-D :-D :-D I feel so good about it. I deserve my own attention and care. I don't deserve to only care about him and put my needs on hold. And you deserve the same. You deserve to be focusing on your needs making sure you can "grow" and "feed" yourself. Sorry. Not great with metaphors. But you get the idea.
What do you need right now? Where can you turn for support? What little things can you do each day to re-center your heart and mind. Pamper yourself a little. How can you keep your spirits up for he next minute? Day? Month? What goals do you have?
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Originally Posted by NatashaRomanova
I would say picturing the future of his condition and his path is a dangerous thing to do. I hope you remember to focus on picturing your future. I read a section about "self-care" on here recently. I think that's SO important and that's what I'm realizing and I have been processing in the week before he went in. And I'm glad for the timing because I'm not sitting here thinking only of him. I'm proud to say, (and I think it's at least one small step in the right direction or me) that although I am thinking about him and what to bring him at the hospital and how to take care of things he had to drop out here to go in there so suddenly, I AM STILL PAUSING TO THINK ABOUT MYSELF AND WHATS NEXT FOR ME AND TO WORRY ABOUT MYSELF!! :-D :-D :-D I feel so good about it. I deserve my own attention and care. I don't deserve to only care about him and put my needs on hold. And you deserve the same. You deserve to be focusing on your needs making sure you can "grow" and "feed" yourself. Sorry. Not great with metaphors. But you get the idea.
What do you need right now? Where can you turn for support? What little things can you do each day to re-center your heart and mind. Pamper yourself a little. How can you keep your spirits up for he next minute? Day? Month? What goals do you have?
What do you need right now? Where can you turn for support? What little things can you do each day to re-center your heart and mind. Pamper yourself a little. How can you keep your spirits up for he next minute? Day? Month? What goals do you have?
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