lillian

I'm close to my exAH and his new wife. Together, we parent a toddler. I am at fault for giving wife prescription meds when she would ask. she did not have health insurance, and on occasion, she'd ask. I am old enough to know better. i thought i was "helping." About six months ago, i started feeling uncomfortable. she was asking more and more, and also was welcome in my house when i wasn't home, and i just felt weird about it after awhile. Hard to put my finger on. I told her I was no longer comfortable giving her prescription meds and to stop asking. (she'd ask mainly for adderal). I suspect she may have taken some any way while i was at work/she'd come over to my house. I told her she was always welcome to come hang out with my dog, get space, hang out. Again, was trying to be helpful and really do enjoy sharing, but at a certain point, i started feeling weird, resentful, then guilty for feeling that way. I walked in on her going through my medications- she'd lied and said she had to go to the bathroom, then made a b line to the kitchen where I keep my meds. Anyway, she had excuses about what she was doing that i didn't believe. I told her husband, confronted her. Moved on, but not really trusting her/feeling weird. But hoping I was wrong. A couple of weeks ago, she asked to come over to shower, since they their hot water was out. I said ok. wasn't home. And brand new prescriptions for adderall were missing about 1/3 each bottle. I normally don't and wouldn't count, but a friend in AA recovery put doubt in my head about her, given what i'd told him, and i counted. (I normally wouldn't know, but i'd just filled them and not taken any). Anyway, I guess the thing is, I confronted her, told her husband, her al anon sponsor (we are all friends)-- set clear boundaries, was angry- she denied. i felt confident. but now, a couple of weeks later, I am emotionally upset. I guess i need to go to alanon or something. i am angry because i feel like somehow, i am the one who seems mean, crazy- i said she wasn't welcome in my house any more, that i didn't believe her, and that i hoped if i was wrong, she'd forgive me, and if i was right, she'd get help. But i feel like a shrew, doubt myself, even though i have been through this before with my exAH-- having someone lie, and then feeling guilty, not trusting myself- and then in the end, finding out he had lied. It's a real mind f*ck. And i feel lonely- like if you don't believe their version/chose to believe your own instincts and eyes, you end up alone, without that person/those relationships anymore (and maybe I'm wrong- but no one else had access to my house except her, and no signs of break in, and pills only unattended by me for 4 hours, the time when she was there- and a stranger would have taken the entire bottle, and ive caught her before, and she has asked for those pills over and over for the past year, tried to get them online...so am i crazy for thinking it was her?) i'm still going over this in my mind and feel crazy. why all this makes me hate myself, i don't know, but it does. i feel lonely. i have so much doubt. sometimes i feel like a boyfriend, husband, someone who loves you, helps validate= and i don't have that. im caving in to feelings of being ugly, a shrew. just wanted to share how i'm feeling- i wish i had a stronger sense of myself.

AnvilheadII

have any more pills gone AWOL since you confronted her and disallowed her in your home?

maybe this is all a good thing, as i'm not sure it's super helpful or healthy for you to be in a "triangle" with your EX and his new lady person/wife. that is where some boundaries might work!! perhaps you were trying to "pretend" you were still part of a couple.....seems like the other wife might have had ulterior motives..........

lillian

No, i took all my prescription meds to work where there are locked floors/you need access cards to get on an elevator. And yes, i am sure there are co dependent parts to our triangle. i have leaned on them for emotional support, and it's confusing. i will try to look forward to things changing, but i am scared.

teatreeoil007

Thank you for posting.

You are not ugly, a shrew, or crazy!!

And, in fact, I would think you were naive if you did not think she took those pills.

For some dingdangblasted reason we sort of allow the people in our life to define us when something like this happens. And how they define is not very positive. Try to override that, sister.

You are a better woman than I. I would not feel comfortable with the new wife being in my home when I wasn't there; missing pills not withstanding. Please please please do not think badly of yourself because of this.

There may be some underlying low self esteem issues that need to be addressed. It sounds like you have had a good relationship with these people and I can understand how you might feel you have sort of lost two friends. But, consider they of course are not going to be happy with you for this confrontation. Most people do not like to be called out on these types of things.

So, you're the bad guy right now. So be it.

You did the right thing, sister. Be strong. You are a person of great worth. Do something nice for yourself every day.

Maudcat

Hi, lillian. You trusted your gut, took action based upon it, but now are second guessing. It sure sounds like your ex's wife was pilfering your meds. Which is sad, but totally predictable if she is drug-dependent. This is tough to sit with, but I am going to suggest that you sit with the situation for a while. You've done what you've done and said what you have said. If she is overusing adderall, that fact will be revealed soon enough. That will be between your ex and her, and affect you only as far as your child's safety is concerned. I know this disrupts the positive relationship you had with them, but that wasn't caused by your actions. It was caused by hers. Good luck.

tomsteve

feelings aren't always the truth and don't define who we are.
we grovel before no one and are no ones doormat.
you can gain that stronger sense of self by telling yourself those feelings aren't true and you did what was right for you.

this might seem a little harsh here, but just truthful and only my opinion:
by giving the pills like ya were you were enabling- theres health insurance and/or low cost medication plans available for her.
reads like the wife was exhibiting some typical addictive behavior.

one more thing-
you don't need wife to forgive you.
you need to forgive yourself.
youre human. you, like the rest of us, make mistakes. you leanred a very valuable lesson.

LexieCat

First off, I have an extremely friendly relationship with my own ex and his wife--I stay at their house at least once a year when I'm visiting the kids. So I don't think that in itself is weird.

I think you'd probably feel the same way if another friend did the same thing. I know I hate confrontations, especially when I value the relationship. I think you did the right thing, though, and I wouldn't trust her in my home at this point. Maybe what's got you feeling guilty is the fact that you did give her pills for a while. That's water under the bridge at this point, though. It's sort of like drinking with or buying drinks for someone who later turns out to be an alcoholic. When you did that you didn't know she would be abusing them to the point of addiction.

Yes, Al-Anon might be very helpful to you--but I'd make it a point to find meetings she doesn't attend.