Small things
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Small things
I wanted to post this for feedback this weekend, went back and forth, talked myself out of it. But here it is Monday and I am still thinking on it. So I will post and see if anyone has some words of wisdom 
I feel like I am an emotional punching bag for AH. And not just because of the larger incidences of verbal abuse/controlling/drunken tirades. I mean the small...I meansmall things.
Some examples:
Getting ready Sunday am. AH got out of shower, I was getting dressed.
He noticed the towel he was using somehow had sparkly lint stuck to it and it basically tar and feathered him in lint. (somewhat comical actually)
We had been talking and all was well. He instantly gets pissed, throws the towel down and says: "get me another towel. I have to take another shower. " I feel bad, because I was the one that did the laundry, and somehow mystery fluff ball got into it , so I go downstairs to get anew towel. When he is done with shower, he starts listing off "I guess I will have to check every load from now on" Now I need to re-wash my clothes" "I hate it when you wash blankets with the towels. " I hate those f@*!ing blankets" ...just mumbling "to himself" declaring these new rules. blah blah blah.
I leave the room and let him be. Our convo was going well but he let this ruin it. With his attitude and way of handling such a small incident.
Later that day we were heading to a family function (THAT HE ACTUALLY ATTENDED WITH US) and he was voice texting someone.
It took too long (probably 20 seconds) for it to process his words, and he started in on how his phone is a stupid pos. Effing phone can't even do its job. blah blah blah again. I tried to just ignore him/casually say: hey, its just a phone lol...
Another incident from last night dealing with being intimate. Keeping the TMI low, but basically we were in the action and I felt like he was falling asleep (passing out), very mechanical, I was even rolling my eyes behind his back, which surprised me. I was surprised at how NOPE I felt about this. So I asked him, "Hey, we can do this later. You seem tired?"
His reaction was to say: " No, he was weirded out by me. I seemed weird and he was distracted. But it's ok, I can just go to sleep. "
These small incidents above took longer to type than they actually happened. and it sounds trivial. My point is, the WAY he uses his tone, his reaction, I feel..FEEEEEL it pointed towards me. I feel that I would (as well as most people) handle these small inconveniences differently. His tone, energy, blame, denial, selfishness...it is pecking away at me even in the smallest events. Enmeshment? Help me articulate this better please people. It just feels wrong, and it's been this way since I can remember. His problems..even "problems" become mine.
Thank you for reading my ramblings. I always worry my posts don't quite hit home with what I'm trying to say.
I feel like I am an emotional punching bag for AH. And not just because of the larger incidences of verbal abuse/controlling/drunken tirades. I mean the small...I meansmall things.
Some examples:
Getting ready Sunday am. AH got out of shower, I was getting dressed.
He noticed the towel he was using somehow had sparkly lint stuck to it and it basically tar and feathered him in lint. (somewhat comical actually)
We had been talking and all was well. He instantly gets pissed, throws the towel down and says: "get me another towel. I have to take another shower. " I feel bad, because I was the one that did the laundry, and somehow mystery fluff ball got into it , so I go downstairs to get anew towel. When he is done with shower, he starts listing off "I guess I will have to check every load from now on" Now I need to re-wash my clothes" "I hate it when you wash blankets with the towels. " I hate those f@*!ing blankets" ...just mumbling "to himself" declaring these new rules. blah blah blah.
I leave the room and let him be. Our convo was going well but he let this ruin it. With his attitude and way of handling such a small incident.
Later that day we were heading to a family function (THAT HE ACTUALLY ATTENDED WITH US) and he was voice texting someone.
It took too long (probably 20 seconds) for it to process his words, and he started in on how his phone is a stupid pos. Effing phone can't even do its job. blah blah blah again. I tried to just ignore him/casually say: hey, its just a phone lol...
Another incident from last night dealing with being intimate. Keeping the TMI low, but basically we were in the action and I felt like he was falling asleep (passing out), very mechanical, I was even rolling my eyes behind his back, which surprised me. I was surprised at how NOPE I felt about this. So I asked him, "Hey, we can do this later. You seem tired?"
His reaction was to say: " No, he was weirded out by me. I seemed weird and he was distracted. But it's ok, I can just go to sleep. "
These small incidents above took longer to type than they actually happened. and it sounds trivial. My point is, the WAY he uses his tone, his reaction, I feel..FEEEEEL it pointed towards me. I feel that I would (as well as most people) handle these small inconveniences differently. His tone, energy, blame, denial, selfishness...it is pecking away at me even in the smallest events. Enmeshment? Help me articulate this better please people. It just feels wrong, and it's been this way since I can remember. His problems..even "problems" become mine.
Thank you for reading my ramblings. I always worry my posts don't quite hit home with what I'm trying to say.
Last edited by thousandwords53; 11-07-2016 at 09:22 AM. Reason: left out sentence
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Hun, these aren't small things. We minimize them so we can get through them. I've been there, and the aftermath shows up as a gag reflex when you hear a freezer door open, it shows up as lost breath and numb legs when you see someone swerving on the road, it shows up as lost sex drive, it shows up as physical recoil when you see someone drunk or smell alcohol. They aren't small, so 'ramble' away all you need to here. (((HUGS))))
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Join Date: Sep 2016
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These "small things" are what drove me to panic attacks with xabf and my forcing myself to leave a 6mo relationship with someone that I am still in love with. I could do NOTHING right. Then I would be given "permissions" again only to screw up yet another time. The small incidents were even brought up later to be thrown in my face at his unpredictable convenience.
I made excuses, tried to "fix" myself. I am still broken. Just had another panic attack a few minutes ago. I am only 2 weeks away from him and I am an absolute mess of emotions.
It is helpful to hear that I am not the only one who has suffered this.
I made excuses, tried to "fix" myself. I am still broken. Just had another panic attack a few minutes ago. I am only 2 weeks away from him and I am an absolute mess of emotions.
It is helpful to hear that I am not the only one who has suffered this.
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Thousand words.....these are not small things. They hurt as much as a slap in the face or a kick to the ribs.
He sounds very authoritarian in his attitude. Controlling, condescending and critical. Like he is talking to a 'lower level" person.
We all want to feel like we are valued and cared for by our partner.
We need to feel like we are "heard" and that our feelings and ideas and efforts matter...that WE matter.....
I am suspecting that you feel largely devalued.
I can't speculate as to what is going on inside of him...but, there sure is something....
If he has always been like this....I don't think you can look for him to change without some serious introspection.....
Actually, I divorced my first husband...even though he had never yelled at me or called me a name. He was narcissistic, in many ways, and was very authoritarian and controlling....
He was sucking the soul out of me.....
He sounds very authoritarian in his attitude. Controlling, condescending and critical. Like he is talking to a 'lower level" person.
We all want to feel like we are valued and cared for by our partner.
We need to feel like we are "heard" and that our feelings and ideas and efforts matter...that WE matter.....
I am suspecting that you feel largely devalued.
I can't speculate as to what is going on inside of him...but, there sure is something....
If he has always been like this....I don't think you can look for him to change without some serious introspection.....
Actually, I divorced my first husband...even though he had never yelled at me or called me a name. He was narcissistic, in many ways, and was very authoritarian and controlling....
He was sucking the soul out of me.....
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Thank you all for validating my feelings. These fleeting exchanges are here and gone in a blink of an eye, but they are lasting in how they make me feel. I am more aware of my feelings these days. Even the smallest things hit me like a ton of bricks.
Like this morning, he stepped up and offered to take the children to the bus for me, so I could stay home and get ready for work. Nice. Perfect. Thank you. Then I get a text: “this bus system is a joke” (assuming the bus was a bit late, or not there waiting when he arrived more like it haha) So then I feel a blow to the gut,he can’t even absorb the small inconvenience he felt and keep it to himself. He drags me into is negativity. And yes, Dandy, I would say I am quite devalued. I am a possession, not a separate person.
Like this morning, he stepped up and offered to take the children to the bus for me, so I could stay home and get ready for work. Nice. Perfect. Thank you. Then I get a text: “this bus system is a joke” (assuming the bus was a bit late, or not there waiting when he arrived more like it haha) So then I feel a blow to the gut,he can’t even absorb the small inconvenience he felt and keep it to himself. He drags me into is negativity. And yes, Dandy, I would say I am quite devalued. I am a possession, not a separate person.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Not small things. He is a jerk.
Very similar to what XAH did to me. Ranting over the everything all the time.
He still manages to yank my chain frequently....I am getting better in not allowing him. Unless he is working solid recovery program, things are not
going to change no matter what you do. The only thing you can do is disengage (and stop doing his laundry - use this time to do something for yourself lol)
Very similar to what XAH did to me. Ranting over the everything all the time.
He still manages to yank my chain frequently....I am getting better in not allowing him. Unless he is working solid recovery program, things are not
going to change no matter what you do. The only thing you can do is disengage (and stop doing his laundry - use this time to do something for yourself lol)
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It's not small in any way. It's like that phrase, "death by a thousand paper cuts"..... individually these things mean nothing, but added up together they become massive & soul-crushing. ((((Hugs))))
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the thing is......for him, he cannot decipher what is a LARGE thing and what is a SMALL thing, because in his mind EVERYTHING is set up to be an annoyance. he has a sense of entitlement that HE deserves to have everything go perfectly in HIS world, because that is the only world that matters. HE is the only person that matters.
i'm not sure how much of that is "fixable" or so ingrained it can never be separated out. he'd first have to realize how his behaviors affect others....and it's likely that is impossible, for him to even IMAGINE how anyone else FEELS......and then he'd have to have a measure of empathy for someone else, and the humility to recognize he was wrong.
you seem to try and cling to the moments in between his constant flareups, like someone trying to salvage their home on the side of Kilauea Volcano, which is still actively erupting, molten lava always on the move. perhaps, just perhaps, it's time to get out of harm's way.
i'm not sure how much of that is "fixable" or so ingrained it can never be separated out. he'd first have to realize how his behaviors affect others....and it's likely that is impossible, for him to even IMAGINE how anyone else FEELS......and then he'd have to have a measure of empathy for someone else, and the humility to recognize he was wrong.
you seem to try and cling to the moments in between his constant flareups, like someone trying to salvage their home on the side of Kilauea Volcano, which is still actively erupting, molten lava always on the move. perhaps, just perhaps, it's time to get out of harm's way.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
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Wow, I find myself nodding with familiarity and sympathy for you but in my case I'm having similar experiences with my AW. She's not prone to flying off the handle often, but when she does it's usually AT me and typically nothing I've actually done wrong. Like you, I've tried dismissing them as "small" things, but I've found over the last couple years that a lot of resentment builds up over a short period when "small" things turn into more and more piles of things I can never seem to do right, or do well enough to satisfy. I wish I had an answer for you, other than I hope you both can talk things out and clear the air when you feel this way. Otherwise you'll find yourself hating the "small" ways you find yourself changing your habits in order to prevent an explosion.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
the thing is......for him, he cannot decipher what is a LARGE thing and what is a SMALL thing, because in his mind EVERYTHING is set up to be an annoyance. he has a sense of entitlement that HE deserves to have everything go perfectly in HIS world, because that is the only world that matters. HE is the only person that matters.......
.........you seem to try and cling to the moments in between his constant flareups, like someone trying to salvage their home on the side of Kilauea Volcano, which is still actively erupting, molten lava always on the move. perhaps, just perhaps, it's time to get out of harm's way.
.........you seem to try and cling to the moments in between his constant flareups, like someone trying to salvage their home on the side of Kilauea Volcano, which is still actively erupting, molten lava always on the move. perhaps, just perhaps, it's time to get out of harm's way.
Yes, I do not think I really recognize small vs big things either. They are all the same to me. I power through with a smile and let it roll down my back to keep any peace... Then it eats at me and I post here.
Halloween was an epic letdown but I barely mentioned it to him.
He came home and saw the crowds of trick or treaters and said "F this" and went to the bar. Didn't even get out of his truck to make sure I was ok. I handled 3 kids of my own, trick or treating as well as handed out candy to 400 people. He posted on Facebook how he hates trick or treaters and he is safe at his spot (the bar). His Facebook friends think he's funny. No-one thinks about the wife and mother at home juggling this holiday like the Cat in the Hat. It was also the one year anniversary of my beloved grandmother's passing. So it was very bittersweet. Kids had fun. That's what matters. They barely noticed he wasn't there, because really, he hardly is anyway. So sad.
And I am very much the type to cling onto any "normal" moments. It blinds me to what the actual pattern is. This is why I post these things . My internal barometer is so jacked up.
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This is sort of how my older son is about things. He's not an alcoholic, he's just a very negative person with a low tolerance for frustration or life's little disappointments. It is VERY wearing, and sometimes I just have to go away when he's in that mode (he lives far away, so I don't have to be in his company often).
He's actually better than he used to be, so I have hope he will continue to mature on that score (he's 30, not a teenager). His dad--a terrific guy in most respects--has a serious negative streak, too. He mostly keeps it to himself, but it still brings me down and is one of the reasons that marriage didn't work out. I can only deal with so much doom and gloom.
He's actually better than he used to be, so I have hope he will continue to mature on that score (he's 30, not a teenager). His dad--a terrific guy in most respects--has a serious negative streak, too. He mostly keeps it to himself, but it still brings me down and is one of the reasons that marriage didn't work out. I can only deal with so much doom and gloom.
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This was something I also learned about my STBXAH. The happy-go-lucky guy I reconnected with when he was sober was a guy for whom everything was going his way. I learned the hard way that the universe of conditions he as able to function in is actually pretty small. Drinking or not, when things don't go his way, or they change, he simply cannot cope. I agree with everyone else--that kind of attitude, regardless of whether it is related to drinking, is exhausting.
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My friend, it is up to *you* to think "about the wife and mother at home juggling this holiday like the Cat in the Hat," and to let go of the expectation that he will somehow magically turn into someone he has shown you -- time and time and time again -- that he is not.
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Hi, thousandwords53. Your husband doesn't sound very pleasant to be around. Red flag for me is that everything somehow, someway, seems to become your fault. That is not cool. I don't know if it's the alcohol or the personality, or maybe both. My sib is alcohol-dependent. He was no kiss for Christmas before the drink but now? Oh. My. God. I gave him a ride to Wal-Mart and his bank one day, a trip that usually takes 10-15 minutes. There was road work, so that ten minutes lengthened into 20, then 30. It felt like 30 hours and I just wanted to stick needles in my eyes! He carped about the construction, the construction workers, the police officers directing traffic, even the way the traffic cones were set up!! Of course, my sib is the smartest guy in the room. Just ask him. I don't have any answers for you, other than to recommend Al-Anon. Could be a great source of support, but maybe you have already tried it? Good luck.
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Originally Posted by Maudcat
Hi, thousandwords53. Your husband doesn't sound very pleasant to be around. Red flag for me is that everything somehow, someway, seems to become your fault. ....
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