Withdrawl, Hospital, In-laws, you name it......
 

I reread a post I made last year at this time..' I am angry even though he isn't drinking...?? seriously?'...
WOW same thing happening a year later....


after a year of consistent drinking (after losing his 2nd job to alcoholism last year), 2 weeks ago I had to call an ambulance when I found him in disoriented state. Unable to articulate, unable to recognize me and daughter..He was like a lost scared animal. He must have had a withdrawal siezure in the early morning.

This was the 4th time this has happened in a long time....but this time I had no warning to the withdrawals,,,,no coughing spasms or shaking etc....it has been 3-4 years of worrying and waiting for this to hit again.

i handled it like a pro....frightening how cool and calm I have become in these dire situations. It took 12 hours for him at hospital to recognize me and put words together. I missed work and stayed by his side in the ER while he hallucinated and babbled and would try to leave,,,,Then he was back to normal all tests were fine.....and back to a drink after released...

it was more stressful because my in-laws were upset by my response of not bringing him home (UNCLEARED by a doctor and without an MRI), so he could go to work the following day and not get fired..... I refused to bring him home until he saw neurologist.....and apparently this was the wrong thing to do in their eyes.

They have funneled so much money to pay our rent and get him back on his feet to get a job......they want to control and fix and live in denial he is drinking....and blame me for not adhereing to some "plan" they have devised....

I work full time and care for our DD. I work very hard and I do not slack and I try to keep our heads above water....and yet I am still at fault. I can feel their frustration in things they think I should do differently.....and it hurts because they are my only family in town. I love them and have been in their lives for 17 years.....and there is not a mention of how I am coping or even DD. Just what I 'need' to do for him and judgements on things they don't understand.

I get it though as a parent and I try not to be offended, but there have been several things that are starting to get to me.

I don't mean to go on about my issue with them and skirt around AH, but it makes it so much harder for me and I try to find posts of how others have dealt with the in-laws who are so involved in their life. This is a family I thought cared about me but really I am just a piece in this puzzle.....it really hurts and confuses me. I don't know how to handle them or process my feelings toward them.

I know I need to leave him and the holidays are making this even worse. but I know it is time and I am trying to sort it out with little $$ and prepare. just sucks doubting myself and feeling like an island in this problem. I tried Alanon but didnt love it...

i hope to get counseling for DD and myself but $50 each copays per visit aren't possible just yet. I am overhwlemed with the 'hows' behind leaving him and how to deal with the holidays for the sake of my 7year old.

I rearead the replies from my post last year....I think are they more useful today. I truly heard them this time.....

I would welcome any new responses to such a patterned problem...sure hope I am not reading this post in the same place next year....

When my ex clearly needed professional rehab, instead of going to professional rehab my ex's family of origin moved her into their house, where they attempted to do their own "rehab" at home. None of them have medical training etc.

When this "rehab" failed and I was advised by a doctor that my ex was at risk of dying and needed professional rehab immediately, her family became outraged when I contacted her doctor directly.

Have just sent you a private message with some more links that might help you.

Hey Amber,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. You've got an awful lot on your plate and your in-laws aren't doing anything to alleviate the burden on you.

Whilst I don't have any strategies or words of wisdom for you, from my experience in dealing with my A's parents, I've learnt this:

1. Parents can be the best enablers - paying rent, bills, etc. I've found that my A's parents knew that by cointinuing to support my A (doing washing, letting him sober up when he needed a place to sleep it off, financial support, etc.) everything could 'continue as normal', meaning that th A never hit rock bottom.

2. There's a level of shame associated with admitting there's a problem. For example, my A was never an 'alcoholic' he just 'drank heavily and sometimes got into trouble'. When you're missing two weeks of work and don't call in sick during that period, there's more than just 'trouble'. His life had spun out of control.

3. Blood is thicker than water. Sad but true. It didn't matter how supportive I'd been, how patient, how caring, when the rubber hit the road, and they needed someone to blame, it was me.

I really feel your pain and frustration. Sending you lots of love and strength.

Xxx

Hi Kasie,

When I told one of my ex's parents the reality of her drinking, how much she was drinking, and how often, her parent actually tried to convince me that none of these facts made my ex an alcoholic. :headbange

Her parent actually said to me "she is not an alcoholic" then went to explain in detail why they believed that was so. It was based around the reasons that her parent believed my ex drank. Her parent's absolute faith in what was being said was staggering. It was like they were "correcting" me for my supposedly totally incorrect accusation - in reality I did not even call her an alcoholic - all I did was state facts.

The danger in that is that when an alcoholic is denial and needs help, they need brutal honesty about the seriousness of their problem, and if they are surrounded by family who are in denial, the alcoholic does not get that brutal honesty.

And without that honesty, the alcoholic can avoid even getting to Step One.

If an alcoholic is in denial, their spouse is saying "you have a serious problem", and their family of origin is saying "you don't have a serious problem", no prizes for guessing who the alcoholic is going to listen to.

So instead of the conversation being "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable", the conversation becomes "my spouse is incorrectly accusing me of being an alcoholic who needs rehab". So it turns attention away from the alcoholic's behaviour and everyone focuses on the sober spouse.

In my ex's case, with me and her therapist trying to get her to rehab, all she had to do to avoid rehab was go visit her parents to be in a "safe" zone where no one believed she was an alcoholic.


That's exactly what I experienced too.

Have a read of this thread ...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hem-drink.html

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this. Here's the thing, you are every bit as powerless over his family as you are over him and his drinking. I think you may just have to work on getting to a place of acceptance that they will think/do what they will, and not count on them for a shred of support.

I'd give Al-Anon another shot. You need a support system in place to navigate all of this. I'd also suggest, if you haven't done so already, that you consult a lawyer about your rights/obligations if you were to leave. Knowledge is power, and it will help you formulate a plan if you know what your options are.

As far as the holidays are concerned, there's always a reason why any particular time is a "bad time" to leave. School is starting, school is ending. Holidays. Birthdays. Have you considered enlisting a counselor at her school to work with her? That's free, and she'll have a trusted adult she can confide in, who can help her process what's going on.

Hugs!

one of the obstacles many spouses who think of leaving have to deal with is feeling like they are somehow ABANDONING their partner. well good news, your AH has his family, so you can just X that concern off your list. and focus entirely on taking care of yourself and your child!!!

leaving is a process - yes, there is the option to simply run out the door screaming, or sneak out in the middle of the night, and for some that IS the only safe option. but in many cases, it's a matter of crafting a plan, a solid well considered and well adhered to plan. getting proper legal counseling is essential, so that you don't make any missteps that could come back to bite you later.

i'd also suggest you keep this to yourself - not share with AH or any of his familia. no threats, no OR ELSE's, no giving him one more chance so that you can hold off on action.

Omg Amber,
You are a saint to have stayed with your husband this long!! Hon, you joined sr over 11 years ago. I couldn't even imagine what you and your daughter have witnesses over those years.

I would also recommend alanon. It's no different then aa for alcoholics, we have to be ready to hear what they are saying. I also agree about your daughter seeing a counselor at school, I am sure she could use some guidance. Us codies have so many secrets that we hide from the world, it can make us mentally, and physically ill.

We understand and see that you "love" your husband, but can see that nothing has changed in all that time. You feeling that you can "save" him is just not possible. The old saying "you need to put on your oxygen mask first" applies here. You need time to get your head on straight. Can you tell his parents that u can no longer live with him. Whats going to happen one day is you or your daughter will come home and he will be dead in the house. Then both of you will have to mentally deal with that for the rest of your life. This is just not fair to you or her.

Please don't pretend like this didn’t happen "again". Think of your childs well being and try and get him out of the house or you get out. I am sending you and your precious daughter bear hugs my friend. We do all care and understand that you did not sign up for this when you married him. Let his parents love him into sobriety, you can't do it anymore.

Amber....you don't have to "love" alanon......you can still use the help and support...The more support you have around you, the easier this process is to go through....

I didn't love Al Anon in the beginning, but I sure needed it.

I have some experience with enabling family. My ex's parents probably meant well, but most of what they did was the opposite of help. His mom used to pick him up from jail or the ER and drop him back at our house, where he would without fail start drinking again. In retrospect, I'm sure they felt the same about me. I mean, I was living there and I couldn't keep him under control. His mom thought she had the magic power to manage him when he was drunk and got really frustrated when I failed at what she saw as my task to do that as well.

My ex was also very skilled at playing all of us off of one another, orchestrating fights between all of us to keep us from interfering with his drinking. Your AH is definitely manipulating all of you.

You can't control him, and you can't control their reaction to him. I was pretty much alone where we lived, hundreds of miles from my own family. His family was pretty much our whole circle, so it was isolating and scary when they turned against me.

I had to leave, protect my kids and detach from the whole bunch of them. His mom was irate, made crazy threats and even filed a false police report accusing me of assaulting her. She and her RA husband, who goes to AA and should know better but somehow doesn't, were going to enable my ex back to being a functional alcoholic and fight me for custody of our son. That didn't really work out.

They got a taste of what I'd been living with for years and couldn't deal with it after a couple of months. The last straw was when they told him they were going to quit giving him "grocery money" and just buy him food instead. He punched his mom and threatened to kill his dad.

Nothing I told them would have made them see the error of their ways. They had to learn their own lessons, just like I did.

I left my ex and moved home in September 2013. Three months later the kids and I had our best Christmas in 5 years. Peace, relaxation, no worrying about a drunken rage or having to call an ambulance for an adult who was drinking himself to the point to serious bodily harm. My ex didn't even try to call our son or even send a card. He didn't see the point of having a phone. Buying booze was more important.

I had gotten so used to living constant crisis mode, the chronic stress, always waiting for the other shoe to drop, that I had no idea how much difference it would make to be away from that.

I sent his parents a card with our son's school photo and some Al Anon literature, lol. They talk on the phone every couple of weeks and have visits in the summer and every other Christmas. I am cordial and on good terms with them. My ex has cut all of us out of his life and is likely still drinking and doing the same horrible behavior.

But that's not my problem.