At a point of compassion for us both
 

It's sinking in now that when I drank myself, it was also to numb feelings and just have fun for a while. Even if things weren't out of control, it's how I quieted my mental chatter so that I could let loose. I woke up feeling depressed, tired and disappointed in myself. I also realized recently that it messes with my hormones and causes me to break out terrribly. Why would someone continue to do that? It's the same thing as my ex... I was using alcohol in the same exact way. I think I'm finally at a point now where I get it and see how I always needed to let him be. No amount of preaching/harping/tracking/yelling, etc. was going to do anything but build resentment on both sides.

Acceptance for me wasn't an event, it wasn't something I could just "decide" to do. It happened slowly over time with work and is still a work in progress. It feels so much better than fighting and resisting all the time. That's what I was doing in my relationship and that's what I was doing shortly after - resisting the reality of the situation. It's painful but the other side is sooo much better. For those just experiencing the sharp pain of the veil falling back it does get better... keep going.

I remember not eating, sleeping or drinking. I remember not being able to breath and waking up having a panic attack. I remember crying all day, I couldn't stop it if I wanted to... it was just SO painful. I get it. Hope is not lost. There is a whole other world out there just waiting for you. It's amazing really... exciting and still scary. Not perfect, but still amazing.

Expanding....it is so true that there is no "perfect" in life....
This is true for all people...no matter who they are...Even if they are blessed with a stable life, with lots of blessings...
for sure, there are times when there is pure joy and "perfectly" wonderful times...
But, life contains challenges and no one gets through without counterpoints of pain and sadness at some point....
I am thinking of the very popular singer, Michael Buble .....who is a beautiful person--blessed with great talent and a beautiful family....his 3yr old son has been diagnosed with cancer.....

That you can, now, say that the future looks "exciting" and scary......be sooo grateful that you can now realize the "exciting" part......that, right there, means that you are victorious!!!

Just happy to hear you are at this point, as I can relate to it.

Congrats on getting here! I feel like the journey of self-discovery is never ending, always evolving.