Protecting kids is almost impossible
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Powerless ... and free
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Protecting kids is almost impossible
Our family court and CPS systems don't work to protect kids from abuse and neglect and don't act to protect kids when it comes to alcoholic parents.
Even though having an alcohol-abusing parent is a toxic stressor, and elevates the risk of abuse and neglect, courts do very little to put boundaries of safety around kids when parents divorce. Unsupervised 50/50 with overnights is the default, even when a parent is an addict.
Even when there is a mountain of evidence:
--The alcoholic twice was seen drunk-driving our child.
--The alcoholic violated a court order prohibiting alcohol consumption during possession.
--The alcoholic repeatedly left our young child in a hot car alone, including at a liquor store. (Although this violated state law, CPS did nothing and just told him to not do it again, so he left our child in the car again a year later when buying alcohol, again.)
--The alcoholic peed the bed with our child in it.
--Our child complained to me of abuse and repeatedly acted out at school and with others in concerning ways.
I filed for a modification to our divorce order a year ago. After the court tentatively ordered Soberlink, it took the judge one year and five hearings to give me the right to pick up our child when Soberlink is violated.
Getting that ruling was due to multiple Soberlink failures. Missing a test counted as a violation, but binge-drinking-level morning tests didn't count because they were a few hours before a possession period. (Driving and parenting with a massive hangover apparently is ok.)
It took tens and tens of thousands of dollars and five court hearings. It took documenting roughly $3,000 annual booze purchases, with a pattern of liquor store purchases right before or during possession.
The result? A future violation of Soberlink will result in supervised visits, with no overnights, for less than a month per violation. Testing will continue for about a year and can be extended if violations occur.
Again, family court is failing our kids. It should not be this expensive and time-consuming to provide this minimal, necessary boundary of safety.
Family courts should make children's safety the paramount priority, instead of focusing on a parent's rights. A child needs both parents, ideally, but not if that parent doesn't act in the child's best interests.
CPS, likewise, fails kids. They did zero investigation and interviewed the alcoholic's enablers rather than people with relevant facts. And when the alcoholic claimed to drink "only once every couple of weeks," CPS could have glanced at bank statements and seen liquor store trips "once every other day" -- and a huge purchase the day of drunk-driving our child.
Crimes against children - with long-lasting and tragic effects - aren't taken as seriously as crimes against property. Stolen car? Send in the police, who are trained to investigate. Stolen childhood? Send in underpaid, overworked, and undertrained social workers who don't really investigate or hold anyone accountable.
In a few short years, I've seen a happy child who could read at age three become a child at risk for failing school. I've seen non-epileptic seizures. Cutting. Memory lapses. Depression. Inattention. Night terrors. Rages. Trying to strangle me. Stomach aches right before possession weekends. Refusals to talk about "secrets." Acting out with other children and asking them to keep "secrets." Drawing frightening images. And worse.
My child's life has been irreparably harmed. I try during my parenting time to regulate and help him. But I don't get to see him on 155 days of the year.
To help kids like mine, CPS needs improved investigations and tools, and family court needs to put kids' safety first.
The need to protect children is even more compelling with the massive amount of research linking domestic violence, alcoholic parents, and physical and sexual abuse to long-term problems. Our courts and lawmakers and child agencies (and those of us who co-parent with alcoholics) should research "Adverse Childhood Experiences study" and learn how toxic stressors change and harm the child's developing brain and lead to serious health and social consequences, including alcoholism, for adults. It explains the cycle of abuse (and provides some hope for ways to help children recover). The well-researched ACE study explains a lot about our children who struggle and appear "ADHD" at school. It also is eye-opening on everything from suicide, diseases, mental health, violent crime, and poverty.
After spending a year of my life trying to get a minimal boundary of safety for my child, I plan to advocate for child protection reforms in my state. Please PM me if you're interested too.
Even though having an alcohol-abusing parent is a toxic stressor, and elevates the risk of abuse and neglect, courts do very little to put boundaries of safety around kids when parents divorce. Unsupervised 50/50 with overnights is the default, even when a parent is an addict.
Even when there is a mountain of evidence:
--The alcoholic twice was seen drunk-driving our child.
--The alcoholic violated a court order prohibiting alcohol consumption during possession.
--The alcoholic repeatedly left our young child in a hot car alone, including at a liquor store. (Although this violated state law, CPS did nothing and just told him to not do it again, so he left our child in the car again a year later when buying alcohol, again.)
--The alcoholic peed the bed with our child in it.
--Our child complained to me of abuse and repeatedly acted out at school and with others in concerning ways.
I filed for a modification to our divorce order a year ago. After the court tentatively ordered Soberlink, it took the judge one year and five hearings to give me the right to pick up our child when Soberlink is violated.
Getting that ruling was due to multiple Soberlink failures. Missing a test counted as a violation, but binge-drinking-level morning tests didn't count because they were a few hours before a possession period. (Driving and parenting with a massive hangover apparently is ok.)
It took tens and tens of thousands of dollars and five court hearings. It took documenting roughly $3,000 annual booze purchases, with a pattern of liquor store purchases right before or during possession.
The result? A future violation of Soberlink will result in supervised visits, with no overnights, for less than a month per violation. Testing will continue for about a year and can be extended if violations occur.
Again, family court is failing our kids. It should not be this expensive and time-consuming to provide this minimal, necessary boundary of safety.
Family courts should make children's safety the paramount priority, instead of focusing on a parent's rights. A child needs both parents, ideally, but not if that parent doesn't act in the child's best interests.
CPS, likewise, fails kids. They did zero investigation and interviewed the alcoholic's enablers rather than people with relevant facts. And when the alcoholic claimed to drink "only once every couple of weeks," CPS could have glanced at bank statements and seen liquor store trips "once every other day" -- and a huge purchase the day of drunk-driving our child.
Crimes against children - with long-lasting and tragic effects - aren't taken as seriously as crimes against property. Stolen car? Send in the police, who are trained to investigate. Stolen childhood? Send in underpaid, overworked, and undertrained social workers who don't really investigate or hold anyone accountable.
In a few short years, I've seen a happy child who could read at age three become a child at risk for failing school. I've seen non-epileptic seizures. Cutting. Memory lapses. Depression. Inattention. Night terrors. Rages. Trying to strangle me. Stomach aches right before possession weekends. Refusals to talk about "secrets." Acting out with other children and asking them to keep "secrets." Drawing frightening images. And worse.
My child's life has been irreparably harmed. I try during my parenting time to regulate and help him. But I don't get to see him on 155 days of the year.
To help kids like mine, CPS needs improved investigations and tools, and family court needs to put kids' safety first.
The need to protect children is even more compelling with the massive amount of research linking domestic violence, alcoholic parents, and physical and sexual abuse to long-term problems. Our courts and lawmakers and child agencies (and those of us who co-parent with alcoholics) should research "Adverse Childhood Experiences study" and learn how toxic stressors change and harm the child's developing brain and lead to serious health and social consequences, including alcoholism, for adults. It explains the cycle of abuse (and provides some hope for ways to help children recover). The well-researched ACE study explains a lot about our children who struggle and appear "ADHD" at school. It also is eye-opening on everything from suicide, diseases, mental health, violent crime, and poverty.
After spending a year of my life trying to get a minimal boundary of safety for my child, I plan to advocate for child protection reforms in my state. Please PM me if you're interested too.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Broken Hill NSW
Posts: 17
My child has night terrors too. It's terrifying! I can only imagine how much stress it causes you to think you're not there for 50% of them, or more.
What you've highlighted here is exactly why I'm prepared to suffer the next 20 years with my partner rather than risk shared custody, by being together his father barely "has time for him" effectively giving me 100% custody and I remain present to help my child through his father's abuse/neglectful behavior and protect him the best I can.
I also have a stepson (aged 10) who has been on and off several ADHD medications, all available childhood psychologists since the age 3, violent behavioral issues, intense interest in porn and is failing school. Although I don't blame this on his father... He definitely never helped the issues. I fear my child could go down the same path if I let my guard down.
My mother suffered through a violent relationship with my father and I used to beg here to divorce him and get us out of there. She finally left (to live on the other side of the world) the day after my 21st birthday. She done her job raising us and couldn't bare another day.
Which state do you live in? I'm in NSW, Australia.
What you've highlighted here is exactly why I'm prepared to suffer the next 20 years with my partner rather than risk shared custody, by being together his father barely "has time for him" effectively giving me 100% custody and I remain present to help my child through his father's abuse/neglectful behavior and protect him the best I can.
I also have a stepson (aged 10) who has been on and off several ADHD medications, all available childhood psychologists since the age 3, violent behavioral issues, intense interest in porn and is failing school. Although I don't blame this on his father... He definitely never helped the issues. I fear my child could go down the same path if I let my guard down.
My mother suffered through a violent relationship with my father and I used to beg here to divorce him and get us out of there. She finally left (to live on the other side of the world) the day after my 21st birthday. She done her job raising us and couldn't bare another day.
Which state do you live in? I'm in NSW, Australia.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Peaceofpi - so sorry things are not well, cannot imagine what you are going through. I realize how lucky I am that XAH went into "selfish recovery mode" and moved 300 miles away. He is presently sober, but I'd rather not to rely on him for anything. The only advice I can offer is document everything. When he shows up late, etc. If he is not sober when picking kids up - you are within your rights to refuse visitation
Zenial - if your AH barely had time for your kids now, chances are he won't after you part ways. Most active (and even recovering) alcoholics are too focused on their needs to fight for custody. Mine talked a good game but there was no action.
Zenial - if your AH barely had time for your kids now, chances are he won't after you part ways. Most active (and even recovering) alcoholics are too focused on their needs to fight for custody. Mine talked a good game but there was no action.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Hi PofP,
Your saga makes me grateful that my STBXAH agreed to Soberlink monitoring when he has custody of our kids, every other week. Perhaps it depends on the state or judge, but our parenting mediator warned him that he might not get custody at all if he didn't agree to the monitoring.
It's not perfect, but he's drinking far less around our kids than he was during the last 5 years of our marriage. However, last night after he did the breathalyzer, I dropped off two of our children and could tell he had been drinking. I called CPS and they said they would need a report of child abuse to investigate. His violating a court order wasn't sufficient for them to get involved. They advised I call the police to do a "welfare check," but they said the cops wouldn't require him to show he was sober, either.
So, I agree with you--the system needs work. Kudos to you for taking it on.
Your saga makes me grateful that my STBXAH agreed to Soberlink monitoring when he has custody of our kids, every other week. Perhaps it depends on the state or judge, but our parenting mediator warned him that he might not get custody at all if he didn't agree to the monitoring.
It's not perfect, but he's drinking far less around our kids than he was during the last 5 years of our marriage. However, last night after he did the breathalyzer, I dropped off two of our children and could tell he had been drinking. I called CPS and they said they would need a report of child abuse to investigate. His violating a court order wasn't sufficient for them to get involved. They advised I call the police to do a "welfare check," but they said the cops wouldn't require him to show he was sober, either.
So, I agree with you--the system needs work. Kudos to you for taking it on.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Powerless ... and free
Posts: 201
Thank you for your replies. I am interested in everyone's experiences with CPS and the family courts. They are failing kids and not protecting their safety or their physical or mental health.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You do realize that there are fifty-plus different "CPS" agencies and court systems in the US, right? I present trainings and provide technical assistance all over the country, and believe me, there is a WIDE range of responses to just about everything, not to mention significant differences in the law from one place to another. So it's a little misleading to talk about shortcomings of the "system" in the abstract.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Powerless ... and free
Posts: 201
LexieCat, my state has some of the worst outcomes for kids in the "system." I want to work to change that.
I'm interested in your take on CPS and court system. In your experience, what are some of the best responses and laws that protect children? Which states have lowest incidences of child abuse and neglect, and what circumstances explain that?
For example, here are some of the flaws in our state system:
* People vastly underreport abuse and neglect. When they do report to CPS, they can face civil liability for slander and may have to prove in court that their report is made in "good faith" (other states have a presumption of good faith, so the cases can be dismissed more quickly on summary judgment)
* Parents who report a crime face filings in court of "parental alienation" (this frivolous filing happened to me), and some courts remove children from protective parents on this ground
* CPS workers have insanely high caseloads and high turnover
* CPS seems to have the policy to not believe protective parents (moms) who report abuse or neglect and seems to expect that protective parents should just go sort it out in court (a horrendous option, given the time, money, delays, and courts' "both parents" bias that trumps the safety of the child)
* CPS doesn't investigate or use the same tools to investigate as law enforcement would - this is a big problem for them
* When they have a case that warrants serious investigation, by people with investigatory training or tools, there isn't always timely, efficient coordination
* CPS cases are closed out quickly on a deadline
* Even where the facts occurred as stated by the protective parent, cases are closed with innocuous nomenclature (e.g., "ruled out") that the abuser later, in court, throws at protective parents as evidence of "parental alienation" or as a reason to not deny visitation (often with tragic results, as in the case of an abusive dad who later killed a family of eight, including his own child)
* CPS does not effectively work with law enforcement when a parent needs to be held accountable for committing a crime against a child; law enforcement feels like "CPS took care of it" and doesn't investigate
* Courts don't put the safety and mental health of the child first and make it a priority consideration. Courts have been conditioned to put the "both parents" mantra first. With a narcissistic parent or an alcoholic parent, this is a huge problem with severe, long-lasting consequences for the child.
Solutions welcome. Thanks for reading.
I'm interested in your take on CPS and court system. In your experience, what are some of the best responses and laws that protect children? Which states have lowest incidences of child abuse and neglect, and what circumstances explain that?
For example, here are some of the flaws in our state system:
* People vastly underreport abuse and neglect. When they do report to CPS, they can face civil liability for slander and may have to prove in court that their report is made in "good faith" (other states have a presumption of good faith, so the cases can be dismissed more quickly on summary judgment)
* Parents who report a crime face filings in court of "parental alienation" (this frivolous filing happened to me), and some courts remove children from protective parents on this ground
* CPS workers have insanely high caseloads and high turnover
* CPS seems to have the policy to not believe protective parents (moms) who report abuse or neglect and seems to expect that protective parents should just go sort it out in court (a horrendous option, given the time, money, delays, and courts' "both parents" bias that trumps the safety of the child)
* CPS doesn't investigate or use the same tools to investigate as law enforcement would - this is a big problem for them
* When they have a case that warrants serious investigation, by people with investigatory training or tools, there isn't always timely, efficient coordination
* CPS cases are closed out quickly on a deadline
* Even where the facts occurred as stated by the protective parent, cases are closed with innocuous nomenclature (e.g., "ruled out") that the abuser later, in court, throws at protective parents as evidence of "parental alienation" or as a reason to not deny visitation (often with tragic results, as in the case of an abusive dad who later killed a family of eight, including his own child)
* CPS does not effectively work with law enforcement when a parent needs to be held accountable for committing a crime against a child; law enforcement feels like "CPS took care of it" and doesn't investigate
* Courts don't put the safety and mental health of the child first and make it a priority consideration. Courts have been conditioned to put the "both parents" mantra first. With a narcissistic parent or an alcoholic parent, this is a huge problem with severe, long-lasting consequences for the child.
Solutions welcome. Thanks for reading.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, you've identified most of the systemic problems that do exist in some places (not all). And they defy easy solution, because they become entrenched.
Among the things that can help are legislative changes (e.g., statutory presumptions against custody for batterers), regulatory changes (CPS regulations), improved training for police, prosecutors and judges (something my organization and others work on), appellate work to change the case law (there are several organizations that provide pro bono assistance to parents and friend-of-the-court briefs on significant cases).
A lot of it boils down to seeing the true risk to children from unsupervised contact with abusive parents. If you want to help, you might try hooking up with your local DV coalition, to find out how you can promote the kinds of reforms necessary.
Among the things that can help are legislative changes (e.g., statutory presumptions against custody for batterers), regulatory changes (CPS regulations), improved training for police, prosecutors and judges (something my organization and others work on), appellate work to change the case law (there are several organizations that provide pro bono assistance to parents and friend-of-the-court briefs on significant cases).
A lot of it boils down to seeing the true risk to children from unsupervised contact with abusive parents. If you want to help, you might try hooking up with your local DV coalition, to find out how you can promote the kinds of reforms necessary.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 142
I am interested to know what state you live in. The gross neglect of your children and lack of interest by the courts and CPS is honestly baffling. I myself have been frustrated with the courts before, but I was always within my rights to withhold visitation if I was concerned and was never punished for it. Is that not something you could/did do? I did have evidence of multiple alcohol related arrests, and testimony of him drinking but I cant say definitively if he ever drank around my daughter to a dangerous level while she was in his care; i just assumed considering he did when we were together. His visitation was very limited and he had MANY hoops to jump through in order to keep his visitation. CPS was never involved though. He was also abusive to me, so I think the court may have taken it into consideration when ruling on custody, but it is hard to say. I have sole custody now since he could not keep up with the hoops, and it took 2 years; not very long in the scheme of things. That being said I have great concern for the children stuck in the system, and have a great desire to help change things. I have heard that in my area CPS is much more on the cautious side, and I have friends in other states who say CPS does absolutely nothing. Overall though, pretty much everyone has a problem with family court. I agree that they tend to focus more on parental rights than the safety and well being of a child. Some of that is an antiquated view of child development, and some of it is laws. Either way I would be interested to hear more of what you have to say about this.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Powerless ... and free
Posts: 201
Thank you for your thoughts on protecting children.
Here's one way we can help: Support children's safety as the first priority in custody and visitation cases. This congressional resolution by Texas Rep. Ted Poe would encourage states to make these reforms:
Poe Introduces Concurrent Resolution on Child Safety in Courts - Press Releases - Congressman Ted Poe
Washington, D.C. - Today, Congressman Ted Poe (TX-02), Co-Founder of the Victims’ Rights Caucus,introduced H. Con. Res 150, specifying that child safety should be the first priority in custody and visitation adjudications. The resolution also calls for state courts to implement evidence admissibility standards that help ensure that only scientifically-based facts or qualified expert testimony are admitted to prove or disprove child abuse.
“Protecting our children is one of the most important things that we can do for society,” said Congressman Ted Poe. “Unfortunately, some courts are overlooking potential signs of abuse and are relying on scientifically unsound factors to make decisions that impact a child’s life. Courts should resolve all claims of abuse independently before looking at any other factors in deciding custody or visitation. An independent and rigorous investigation into claims of abuse, coupled with heightened evidentiary standards, will help courts prevent the endangerment of any child. In 1990, a congressional resolution helped state courts adopt appropriate policies regarding domestic violence and abuse in state family courts. It is my hope that this new resolution will provide similar encouragement.”
The bill is supported by:
Domestic Violence Legal Empowerment and Appeals Project (DV LEAP)
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV)
National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV)
National Domestic Violence Hotline
National Task Force to End Sexual and Domestic Violence Against Women
National Organization for Men Against Sexism (NOMAS)
Futures Without Violence
Advocates for Child Empowerment & Safety (ACES)
Break The Cycle
Child Justice
Children's Justice Fund
Battered Mothers' Custody Conference
MassKids (Massachusetts Citizens for Children)
California Protective Parent Association
Legal Momentum
Center for Judicial Excellence
National Partnership to End Interpersonal Violence
Mothers of Lost Children
Permalink: Poe Introduces Concurrent Resolution on Child Safety in Courts - Press Releases - Congressman Ted Poe
Here's one way we can help: Support children's safety as the first priority in custody and visitation cases. This congressional resolution by Texas Rep. Ted Poe would encourage states to make these reforms:
Poe Introduces Concurrent Resolution on Child Safety in Courts - Press Releases - Congressman Ted Poe
Washington, D.C. - Today, Congressman Ted Poe (TX-02), Co-Founder of the Victims’ Rights Caucus,introduced H. Con. Res 150, specifying that child safety should be the first priority in custody and visitation adjudications. The resolution also calls for state courts to implement evidence admissibility standards that help ensure that only scientifically-based facts or qualified expert testimony are admitted to prove or disprove child abuse.
“Protecting our children is one of the most important things that we can do for society,” said Congressman Ted Poe. “Unfortunately, some courts are overlooking potential signs of abuse and are relying on scientifically unsound factors to make decisions that impact a child’s life. Courts should resolve all claims of abuse independently before looking at any other factors in deciding custody or visitation. An independent and rigorous investigation into claims of abuse, coupled with heightened evidentiary standards, will help courts prevent the endangerment of any child. In 1990, a congressional resolution helped state courts adopt appropriate policies regarding domestic violence and abuse in state family courts. It is my hope that this new resolution will provide similar encouragement.”
The bill is supported by:
Domestic Violence Legal Empowerment and Appeals Project (DV LEAP)
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV)
National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV)
National Domestic Violence Hotline
National Task Force to End Sexual and Domestic Violence Against Women
National Organization for Men Against Sexism (NOMAS)
Futures Without Violence
Advocates for Child Empowerment & Safety (ACES)
Break The Cycle
Child Justice
Children's Justice Fund
Battered Mothers' Custody Conference
MassKids (Massachusetts Citizens for Children)
California Protective Parent Association
Legal Momentum
Center for Judicial Excellence
National Partnership to End Interpersonal Violence
Mothers of Lost Children
Permalink: Poe Introduces Concurrent Resolution on Child Safety in Courts - Press Releases - Congressman Ted Poe
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Many awesome supporters of that bill--I've worked with a lot of them.
A lot of things actually HAVE improved over the years--the work is by no means done, as you've sadly observed. We all just need to keep working at it.
A lot of things actually HAVE improved over the years--the work is by no means done, as you've sadly observed. We all just need to keep working at it.
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