Nata1980

After enduring XAH for two weekends in a row, I am XAH - free for 3 weeks at least. 1 week down. Feel more peaceful already

Also - have been limiting communication to e-mail and let DS Skype, myself I stayed out of it and did not get dragged in.

I sent DS school pics via e-mail, XAH came back with response that pics look good blah blah by the way he is getting evaluated at work and that he is nervous. I ignored that plea for empathy. A few hours later he e-mailed me that he fell off the ladder and hurt his back. I am ignoring it as well.

Should I say something neutral "it must have hurt"?

I am tempted to continue ignoring him. I am so cold and heartless lol.

letitend

I would continue ignoring him. He sounds bored and looking for sympathy from you.

Zenial

Cool. Take a page out of Mrs. Brown's book:
"I used to say **** off, now i just say well thats nice"

Good job

FeelingGreat

Don't get dragged into his dramas. If it sounds like a plea for sympathy, it's because he's trying to keep an emotional connection going. Step back.

Nata1980

Yes, he even admitted on several occasions that he does not want to "lose me as a friend because we have so much in common". Yeah, that's nice Not. My test for everything these days is "what is in it for me?"

maia1234

Nata, how funny, what is in it for me??!! Love it

I work In a church and the rector never has my paper work done, each week, when I need it. We always laugh because he always tells me that, "it's always about me!!" I go yep, it is!!!

Press the ignore button. Just conversation about poor me and my life sucks. You want to tell him to get his shxt together and it wouldnt, but that will go no where.
Hugs my friend, don't engage.

dandylion

Nata.....they seem to see themselves as victims, in this life.
good on not lavishing him with soothing succor.
The less you talk to him and the less you respond.....maybe he will finally learn that it is no use to keep returning to the well....that the well has gone dry...

Remember when you had your surgery!??

NYCDoglvr

Don't bother, don't get sucked in again. When someone is drinking you're talking to the bottle, not the person. You're not a cold person, you're taking care of yourself by not engaging with a drunk.

Nata1980

He is supposedly sober. Of course I am not 100% sure - I could not be sure when he lived in the house, now he lives 300 miles away

dandylion

Nata....does it make a difference, at this point , if he is sober or not?
Does he get special attention if he is sober?

Drats!....I am sober all the time...and nobody gives me any special attention for it.....sigh....

Nata1980

LOL. It only makes a difference for "supervised" visits. If he starts drinking again - I am pulling those

Does he get special attention? I believe he does, not from me - from his mother and brother and sister in law - where he lives, they always call me and tell me "he is doing so well"

He has been in AA for 30 years. 20-33 was sober (per his story), then relapsed at 35, 40, 43, 45, 47, 49. Every time he relapsed it lasted from 3 days to 5 months. The last one was BAD and put a final nail in a coffin of our marriage. Anyway - my point is that he has been sober much longer than drunk, but he was acting like a "dry drunk" most of his life.

Praying

Nata--

My XAH told me I'm his best friend--maybe his only friend--and he didn't want to lose that...as he was sneaking off with OW and killing our children emotionally...

I think he meant it. It worked for him.

My response (in my head)--My FRIENDS are who I call after you've treated me horribly and I'm a wreck and I need support. While I may be friendly and supportive to YOU, you're not MY friend. I get nothing out of a friendship with you.

He doesn't deserve to have your friendship. Nor will he return it the way a friend should. He wants one-way support.

Also, he claims to be a few years sober. He may be, I don't know. But my kids have never gotten an explanation or apology at all. I don't know if they ever will- he erased the past and moved on. That's his choice, even if I think he's losing a lot in the process.

Nata1980

Yep same here, Praying, on all accounts. No apology or even heartfelt remorse here either - although his family states that he is deeply remorseful.

XAH stated that it is too hard for him to face what he has done. My therapist said that she can see that being true - and if he really faced what he has done - it would destroy him. And amends are good - but they are for an alcoholic, not the family.

XAH has this view on recovery as having to be absolutely selfish. If it works for him - works for me. I am trying my best to stay on my side of the street. So no, no empathy for him! There have been 5 e-mails exchanged over 2 days with matters that pertain to DS and he managed to work the empathy plea in every one of them. I am proud of myself as I ignored those sentences as they were not even there.

dandylion

Good for you Nata, on being aware that he is looking for a button to push.....

AnvilheadII

XAH came back with response that pics look good blah blah by the way he is getting evaluated at work and that he is nervous

maybe he's not seeking empathy, he just can't NOT talk about himself?? that narcissistic view of life.......everything is about HIM. he can't even keep the focus on his child in conversation,

and perhaps after years of living with such a selfish, self-absorbed person you are "conditioned" to respond in an appeasing, there-there you poor thing way? and so you struggle with feeling/expressing "empathy" when none is really called for.

Nata1980

Anvil - yes I think you are right - he is just whining as always and I am struggling not to react. I am trying to be less reactive to people's venting (not just XAH) - it seems that some
just want to complain and there is no response needed