Don't want to lose more friends!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
Don't want to lose more friends!
I am starting the process of buying another place and because I am on my own I cannot afford a super great place in a super great location and am considering a multifamily in order to help offset costs. I am big on investing and taking opportunities where they arise (it’s why I was able to buy my first place) and a really amazing one came up last night that I am trying to jump on. I sent out a general ask for help regarding a city and the amount of negativity that came in was a bit surprising… the advice wasn’t particularly useful and came off kind of…. elitist… and was generally unhelpful.
I realized I am getting advice from people who are bad with money… inherited their homes… or are generally judgmental but it’s still bothering me. I was looking for general information about an entire city, I don’t need to spoken to like I’m an idiot… don’t ask me if I can afford it… don’t try to convince me an entire city is “bad”… don’t tell me to move to a super snobby community with multi million dollar homes… like… who do they think they are?
They don’t even live in super nice towns or expensive homes…
This is something I have been wanting to do since I purchased my first place, and couldn’t because the ex said no… I am not living with my head in the clouds. I know the risks, I know that people can trash the place, and that they can refuse to pay or leave… I also know that you can purchase a multi with a long term tenant already residing… that you can screen them or pay an agency to match you up with a good fit… that you don’t want to rent to friends or family… that you set aside money each month for repairs… I am no slouch. I don’t know why this is bothering me so much! I feel like I am about to lose another wave of friends and it’s sad and frustrating.
There are people who are thrilled and think it’s a great idea… I think I am in shock over the clear divide. I either have a ton of support or there are not so subtle jabs and remarks… I just don’t get it. If it came from a place of genuine concern for my health and well being I would feel differently but that is not the vibe I am getting. I haven’t even looked at the place yet and I wish I hadn’t asked for input at all and had just gone with my gut feeling. When I see it in person I may think no way but I am letting way too many people affect how I feel…
OK rant over…
I realized I am getting advice from people who are bad with money… inherited their homes… or are generally judgmental but it’s still bothering me. I was looking for general information about an entire city, I don’t need to spoken to like I’m an idiot… don’t ask me if I can afford it… don’t try to convince me an entire city is “bad”… don’t tell me to move to a super snobby community with multi million dollar homes… like… who do they think they are?
They don’t even live in super nice towns or expensive homes…
This is something I have been wanting to do since I purchased my first place, and couldn’t because the ex said no… I am not living with my head in the clouds. I know the risks, I know that people can trash the place, and that they can refuse to pay or leave… I also know that you can purchase a multi with a long term tenant already residing… that you can screen them or pay an agency to match you up with a good fit… that you don’t want to rent to friends or family… that you set aside money each month for repairs… I am no slouch. I don’t know why this is bothering me so much! I feel like I am about to lose another wave of friends and it’s sad and frustrating.
There are people who are thrilled and think it’s a great idea… I think I am in shock over the clear divide. I either have a ton of support or there are not so subtle jabs and remarks… I just don’t get it. If it came from a place of genuine concern for my health and well being I would feel differently but that is not the vibe I am getting. I haven’t even looked at the place yet and I wish I hadn’t asked for input at all and had just gone with my gut feeling. When I see it in person I may think no way but I am letting way too many people affect how I feel…
OK rant over…
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
If you don't want honest input then best not to ask for it. You can't really ask for opinions and then get upset because you don't like those opinions.
If you go on websites that review cities or locations, you will find the same kinds of wildly diverging opinions. I was doing a bit of research on the possibility of moving to Albuquerque. Half the people said it was stupid, boring, ugly, etc. Others had positive things to say about it.
If you do online research about owning rental property, same thing--some people talk about their horrible experiences with tenants, repairs, etc., and others are happily going on about the great investment it's been.
So it isn't that the people in your world are not supportive, it's just that they have the same kinds of divergent experiences that you see reflected anywhere. It's a very individual decision. I'd listen to everyone's thoughts about the pros and cons and then make the decision based on what's important to YOU and your willingness to risk some of the less-desirable outcomes.
If you go on websites that review cities or locations, you will find the same kinds of wildly diverging opinions. I was doing a bit of research on the possibility of moving to Albuquerque. Half the people said it was stupid, boring, ugly, etc. Others had positive things to say about it.
If you do online research about owning rental property, same thing--some people talk about their horrible experiences with tenants, repairs, etc., and others are happily going on about the great investment it's been.
So it isn't that the people in your world are not supportive, it's just that they have the same kinds of divergent experiences that you see reflected anywhere. It's a very individual decision. I'd listen to everyone's thoughts about the pros and cons and then make the decision based on what's important to YOU and your willingness to risk some of the less-desirable outcomes.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Expanding, I know I've seen others post here about how their "friends" suddenly seemed to act different once the SR member started his/her recovery. If you think about it, it makes sense to realize that we have made similar bad choices in choosing (at least some of) our friends as we have in choosing our spouse/partner/BF/GF. These folks are similarly unhealthy and may be feeling threatened by your new healthier choices. Kind of like those people who insist you have dessert even when you've said you're making changes to eat better and feel better...
Listen to the ones who are truly supportive; tune out those who are not. Of course it hurts to realize that people you thought were in your corner aren't, but they are showing themselves, and now you know who are your "marble jar friends" and who are (or should be) more of the "casual acquaintance" type of friend. ("Marble jar friends" is from Brene Brown--you can google the phrase if you're not familiar w/it.)
There's a saying in Alanon: When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change. I'd say that's what is happening to you right now.
Keep on doing what you know is right for you. It sure does sound like you know what you want for yourself.
Listen to the ones who are truly supportive; tune out those who are not. Of course it hurts to realize that people you thought were in your corner aren't, but they are showing themselves, and now you know who are your "marble jar friends" and who are (or should be) more of the "casual acquaintance" type of friend. ("Marble jar friends" is from Brene Brown--you can google the phrase if you're not familiar w/it.)
There's a saying in Alanon: When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change. I'd say that's what is happening to you right now.
Keep on doing what you know is right for you. It sure does sound like you know what you want for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
if a friend or loved one asked for my opinion on a large purchase of any sort, my FIRST question would be Can You Afford It? otherwise the entire proposal is without merit. i'd also want to know what steps they have taken so far....are their finances in order, other debt manageable, have they been pre-approved by a lender, how much of a down payment do they have set aside.
for myself, i've NEVER polled a group of friends or family about financial decisions, altho i have kicked ideas around with my daughter because i respect her intelligence, foresight and savvy. it's not a group decision....it's MY decision.
i'd move cautiously. you are still in an emotional state after the fallout of the relationship. i'd do a ton of research, i'd run numbers seventeen ways til sunday. if you are considering a city you know nothing about, then you have your work cut out for you! i'd spend time in that city, tromping around, getting a vibe, looking at infrastructure, neighborhoods, the local economy.
are you looking at this purely as an investment, rent out the entire home, or would you live in residence? in either case, are you up on landlord-tenant laws, considered the amount of insurance needed, and have the funds for repairs and upgrades? if the washing machine blows up, YOU are getting the call.......and the bill.
lots to consider. take your time. be confident in your own choice.
for myself, i've NEVER polled a group of friends or family about financial decisions, altho i have kicked ideas around with my daughter because i respect her intelligence, foresight and savvy. it's not a group decision....it's MY decision.
i'd move cautiously. you are still in an emotional state after the fallout of the relationship. i'd do a ton of research, i'd run numbers seventeen ways til sunday. if you are considering a city you know nothing about, then you have your work cut out for you! i'd spend time in that city, tromping around, getting a vibe, looking at infrastructure, neighborhoods, the local economy.
are you looking at this purely as an investment, rent out the entire home, or would you live in residence? in either case, are you up on landlord-tenant laws, considered the amount of insurance needed, and have the funds for repairs and upgrades? if the washing machine blows up, YOU are getting the call.......and the bill.
lots to consider. take your time. be confident in your own choice.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Expanding...you must already have an idea of how certain people think....
It sounds like you wanted someone to be supportive and thrilled about your new decision.
In the future, you will be happier if you just inform those who will be approving....and, say...."I just bought a multifamily building in the Yukon...isn't that wonderful!"
In general, be verrry selective about who you ask opinions of on major decisions. Because...you are, for sure, going to get a myriad of different opinions....and, you will get some that y ou don't like...and, you will end up p****d off.
As for myself...I, basically, have followed the same advice that Anvilhead gave, above....
Decisions by committee are a pain in the arse......
It sounds like you wanted someone to be supportive and thrilled about your new decision.
In the future, you will be happier if you just inform those who will be approving....and, say...."I just bought a multifamily building in the Yukon...isn't that wonderful!"
In general, be verrry selective about who you ask opinions of on major decisions. Because...you are, for sure, going to get a myriad of different opinions....and, you will get some that y ou don't like...and, you will end up p****d off.
As for myself...I, basically, have followed the same advice that Anvilhead gave, above....
Decisions by committee are a pain in the arse......
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Expanding:
You have changed and you continue to change.
From what I have followed these changes are healthy ones.
But, as you change, so does your outlook on almost everything. Recovery does that to people and it's truly a wonderful thing, but you can expect that there will be people who *just*don't*get* it*....and that's okay...adjusting to this fact is also part of your overall *change*.
I mean, sure, in some cases-some people change it may not all seem like good change and/or we don't particularly like the change and just wish the old person was still there....
Just as a truly recovering addict changes, their friends tend to change too. Some of their old friends stick with them no matter what, but some of their old friends don't. That's to be expected.
This may sound redundant, but it's a keeper: Just keep the focus on yourself, be true to yourself, follow your head and also your heart. If your heart and head are "in" it's amazing what a person can do.
You have changed and you continue to change.
From what I have followed these changes are healthy ones.
But, as you change, so does your outlook on almost everything. Recovery does that to people and it's truly a wonderful thing, but you can expect that there will be people who *just*don't*get* it*....and that's okay...adjusting to this fact is also part of your overall *change*.
I mean, sure, in some cases-some people change it may not all seem like good change and/or we don't particularly like the change and just wish the old person was still there....
Just as a truly recovering addict changes, their friends tend to change too. Some of their old friends stick with them no matter what, but some of their old friends don't. That's to be expected.
This may sound redundant, but it's a keeper: Just keep the focus on yourself, be true to yourself, follow your head and also your heart. If your heart and head are "in" it's amazing what a person can do.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I realized I am getting advice from people who are bad with money… inherited their homes… or are generally judgmental but it’s still bothering me.
To flip the script a little - are YOU just as guilty of judging them? Maybe they are giving their input out of genuine concern for your financial/legal exposure but you are judging their legitimate comments as negative & unsupportive when it doesn't match exactly what you want to hear, when you want to hear it? Just something that popped out for me in reading your rant - I'm not accusing you of anything, just trying to get you to stop & see this from the perspective of "not taking it personally"......
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
I am a big fan of multifamily houses, Expanding. We bought one to have an apartment to stay in while visiting hometown and family. We now live in hometown, but the apartment, tho not used as much, is still incredibly handy. My mil lives in the first floor , and we rent the second floor to family members at below market in return for yard work, plowing driveways, etc. Will you be renting to people you don't know? Cuz from what i have heard from landlord friends, that can be a hassle. Tough, not impossible, but tough to get good tenants. As to location, I would go by at different times to see how the neighborhood runs. Take note of "stuff" in driveways. Rvs that have flat tires, etc., junk on the side of the houses that grass is growing through, stuff like that. That, to me, tells me more about a neighborhood than anything. Or use Google street view if you can't get by. I'll tell you, though. I moved from a very well run, good school system, lots of services township in suburban PA to a little town with no money, not so great schools, and absolutely no services in southeastern mass.. Small town government, imo, is not great. I am very close to beaches, which is a plus. The next area in which I live will have some money!
Last edited by Maudcat; 11-04-2016 at 01:06 PM. Reason: Misspellngs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
I think a person has to know what it is they want in life and how they are going to be the most happy; what it is they really love and love to do.
If being in the country is a great love, then maybe that is where a person should live. If being near beaches is a great love, I think that counteracts the other cons of an area. Really, there is not perfect place, but if you can be in a place to have access to things you love to do, that's a plus.
There is a saying: "You don't live in Montana because of high wages. You live in Montana because you love Montana."
If being in the country is a great love, then maybe that is where a person should live. If being near beaches is a great love, I think that counteracts the other cons of an area. Really, there is not perfect place, but if you can be in a place to have access to things you love to do, that's a plus.
There is a saying: "You don't live in Montana because of high wages. You live in Montana because you love Montana."
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
At first I was wondering if I was looking for external validation, but this is huge and as a single person I just wanted to tell someone :-/
For the group poll I asked about a certain city and if anyone knew about the different areas - that was it, and I received very vague, unhelpful answers such as, "the place sucks", which I'm sure parts do, but which parts? Haha, at least give me an answer I can work with instead of running the whole idea into the ground. Thing is, the house I just sold was in a town that I'm sure many people also think sucks. It was also off what was supposed to be one of the worst streets in a bad neighborhood and we did not have a single problem the entire time we were there. I understand there are good and bad parts to any small city and was looking for guidance. Also realized that those who answered negatively never lived in the city either. Oy
For the group poll I asked about a certain city and if anyone knew about the different areas - that was it, and I received very vague, unhelpful answers such as, "the place sucks", which I'm sure parts do, but which parts? Haha, at least give me an answer I can work with instead of running the whole idea into the ground. Thing is, the house I just sold was in a town that I'm sure many people also think sucks. It was also off what was supposed to be one of the worst streets in a bad neighborhood and we did not have a single problem the entire time we were there. I understand there are good and bad parts to any small city and was looking for guidance. Also realized that those who answered negatively never lived in the city either. Oy
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Expanding....I think you are reading way too much into the responses.
Honestly, I don't think that the statement "the place sucks" is trying to treat you like an "idiot" or a "slouch".
I don't think it sounds like they were trying to give you"subtle jabs or remarks"....
they were, I imagine, talking about their preconceived ideas about a particular town...not YOU as a person.....
I wonder if you have, at another time in your life, received lot of criticism or put downs? Could you be p rojecting some of your feelings from prior situations onto the people you are with now?
Honestly, I don't think that the statement "the place sucks" is trying to treat you like an "idiot" or a "slouch".
I don't think it sounds like they were trying to give you"subtle jabs or remarks"....
they were, I imagine, talking about their preconceived ideas about a particular town...not YOU as a person.....
I wonder if you have, at another time in your life, received lot of criticism or put downs? Could you be p rojecting some of your feelings from prior situations onto the people you are with now?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
it can be a city,state,product,store...doesn't matter- there will ALWAYS be people with negative OPINIONS about it. there will be people that say "it sucks" and people that will say "its the greatest."
maybe your questions were vague? maybe you should have added," and can ya tell me why you feel that way?"
maybe you can ask the people to be more in depth on their opinions?
maybe theres some fear causing you to react the way you are?
personally im proud of ya for doin what youre doin!
maybe your questions were vague? maybe you should have added," and can ya tell me why you feel that way?"
maybe you can ask the people to be more in depth on their opinions?
maybe theres some fear causing you to react the way you are?
personally im proud of ya for doin what youre doin!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
Oh, ugh, past criticisms? Yes... many...
I'm trying to not care about other people's opinions but remaining in reality at the same time (a bad area is a bad area) and I am not doing such a great job. Will be exploring tomorrow
I'm trying to not care about other people's opinions but remaining in reality at the same time (a bad area is a bad area) and I am not doing such a great job. Will be exploring tomorrow
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Well, often towns have websites. You can get a senses of services there, and tax info, too. Crime stats are available, I'm sure, though I am not sure where you get them. Context is everything. Helps if you know the area, but not totally necessary. Work with a realtor who knows the area. They are pure gold when it comes to neighborhood information.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Some people may think this is a 'bad' attitude, but who cares what people think?? As the years have gone by I realize more and more that I don't want to waste one moment on worrying too much about what others think. Time is fleeting by way too fast as it is....
Does that mean I don't care about how I come across to others, how I treat others, how I interact with others? No. I'm not advocating being a bull in a china shop, sloppy and careless.
But in my personal life like where I want to live, invest, and stuff, it's my 'deal' and I gotta do what I gotta do. I've always been this way some ever since I was a little child. My parents told me I always "had a mind of my own" and that wasn't a put-down. They loved that about me. My daughter is the same way....Now, I'm not bragging here. I have to admit, there are times when I worry about what others might think. And, I don't want to disappoint people. But, there also comes a time when you need to do what is BEST for YOU and what PLEASES you...
As far as what sucks and what doesn't suck? That's totally in the eye of the beholder.
Does that mean I don't care about how I come across to others, how I treat others, how I interact with others? No. I'm not advocating being a bull in a china shop, sloppy and careless.
But in my personal life like where I want to live, invest, and stuff, it's my 'deal' and I gotta do what I gotta do. I've always been this way some ever since I was a little child. My parents told me I always "had a mind of my own" and that wasn't a put-down. They loved that about me. My daughter is the same way....Now, I'm not bragging here. I have to admit, there are times when I worry about what others might think. And, I don't want to disappoint people. But, there also comes a time when you need to do what is BEST for YOU and what PLEASES you...
As far as what sucks and what doesn't suck? That's totally in the eye of the beholder.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Expanding, not many people are good with money although some earn enough for it not to be a problem.
I'm with Lexie who says rely on your own judgement, which seems considered and takes in the risk factors.
For myself, at 60, I would not risk everything on one venture, which I make as a general observation rather than knowing what you're considering.
I will be buying in the next few years and have though about buying a place that has an attached apartment which I could rent out for extra cash. To me that's fairly low risk.
I'm with Lexie who says rely on your own judgement, which seems considered and takes in the risk factors.
For myself, at 60, I would not risk everything on one venture, which I make as a general observation rather than knowing what you're considering.
I will be buying in the next few years and have though about buying a place that has an attached apartment which I could rent out for extra cash. To me that's fairly low risk.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
I think the important thing is to find a solid house. Multi-families can be money pits. We have a 3 family-2 3 bedroom apts. and a 1 bdrm. 3 furnaces to break down, 3 water tanks, etc., etc. we were fortunate when we bought-almost 20 years ago-in that it had belonged to two sisters who went through it top to bottom with the intent of living there. They decided not to , and we bought it. We have replaced the roof once, painted the trim twice. Fortunately, in my neck of the woods, multis are common and most come from an era where houses were built well. The down side is that there aren't always apples-to-apples comps, which can lead to inappropriate appraising.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
The repairs are what concerns me as well! I'm going to see it today and can get answers on the condition of everything. From what I know the place sounds like it's in great repair but I'll see for myself, as well as the neighborhood 
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I moved from a large, elite city to the neighbouring smaller, less expensive and less culturally busy city. I knew what people in the first city thought about the 2nd one. I wanted to buy a property and couldn't afford to do so in the first city. I didn't invite anyone's opinion other than very close and trusted friends, and so no one else had any input . It all turned out just fine. I love my little village-city. It's beautiful and friendly. I knew what I wanted and why, and so do you.
I don't think you necessarily need to dispose of friends because of their lack of tact. Just learn from the experience which ones will be in your inner circle of confidents, and who gets to remain on the outer circle for next time. Not all friends are equal.
Good luck with your exciting new venture by the way.
I don't think you necessarily need to dispose of friends because of their lack of tact. Just learn from the experience which ones will be in your inner circle of confidents, and who gets to remain on the outer circle for next time. Not all friends are equal.
Good luck with your exciting new venture by the way.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
