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Hitting a Rough Patch

Old 11-03-2016, 02:35 PM
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Hitting a Rough Patch

So, last night, I went to drop off dog food for the xabf. He had declared on Halloween when he attended trick-or-treating that he hadn't fed the dog food in at least 2 days. He did not have the money to buy a bag of dog food. I sent him home with some from my mom's house as we were in her neighborhood with the kids. I then went and bought a bag and dropped it off to him last night.

Before leaving for his house which is a 30 minute drive, I asked if he would like to see our son for 10 minutes or so, me see the dog, inside his house. He said OK. When I got there, his new gf was there with him. They were both outside in the car. I am assuming they were outside because he told me his roommate doesn't want his gf in the house (doesn't want drama) when he is there. I pull up and he is standing outside of her car, she is inside.

I had so many overwhelming feelings. I felt hurt and betrayed that he thinks nothing of me and our son in his 'new relationship'. I mean, how hard is it to be alone for 10 minutes? How hard could it have been to ask her to run down the street for 10 little minutes? I could not imagine bringing my new 'bf' (which i don't have) to the same vicinity as he was in 6 weeks after a break-up of a 10 year relationship.

I ended up stopping, pushing out the dog food and taking off. Maybe someday I will be able to be in the same room as this other woman. However, 6 weeks post break-up is just too soon. Am I crazy to not want to be around his new gf? Then he says to me on the phone that it is OK for him to have her around our son or me or whatever because he met her at work as opposed to meeting her online. He was insinuating that 1. we met online and therefore the 10 years didn't count (?) and/or 2. the last time we broke up, I dated people from online so I suck. Basically, the theme in every conversation with him is I suck.

Why oh why did I let this guy get so far into my head? I seriously do fine when I don't see him. After this weekend, I am not reaching out to him anymore at all to see our son. If he wants to see him, he can call me and arrange it. Any suggestions for sharing custody in this situation?

I am keeping a mental checklist (and a physical one) of ALL the reasons why he was not any good for me. There isn't one reason why he was good for me.
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Old 11-03-2016, 02:50 PM
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Well, you were worried about the dog. I get that.
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Old 11-03-2016, 03:03 PM
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I'd say you're not crazy for not wanting to be around the new g/f, but I do think it's a bit unreasonable for you to expect him to "get rid of her" if you show up. You were at HIS HOME, right? You can decide who's at YOUR home, but you don't get to tell him who he has at his. His love life really isn't your business, as unpleasant as it might be to have to face evidence of it.

And unless you have reason to believe she poses an actual danger to your son, I don't think it's going to cause him any harm to be in her presence.

I'm sorry you were hurt. I mean that. But I think the less you are around him right now, the better. And if the dog is hungry, he can get his roommate or g/f to pick up some dog food. I'd be willing to bet the dog isn't starving to death.
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Old 11-03-2016, 03:18 PM
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Thanks Lex, for putting it in perspective. You are right that I can't dictate who he has at his house. On the other hand, a heads-up would have been nice. I would have asked him to meet me around the corner.

I know him, and he won't 'ask for help' out right. He just manipulates to get it thru pity. Maybe the gf doesn't have money. His roommate is new, so, I don't think he would have asked him. The dog is technically mine so I feel obligated to feed her.

I guess I would never put someone in that situation, so it is hard for me to comprehend why he would do that to me. He has never really been kind to me, so I don't know why I would expect it at this juncture. Maybe because I am.

When we were broken up before, he used to stalk me, text me non-stop while out on dates, call me names, etc. He used to make it very hard for me to move on. He used to come do his laundry and enter my home and eat. So, yes, I do not have control over 'his' house. However, he has always tried to control mine. Tit for tat, I know. I need to just get over it.
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Old 11-03-2016, 03:25 PM
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You just moved, right? So you can't have the dog there?

Maybe it's time to consider finding a new home for her. Maybe that would make your son sad (if he's attached to the dog), but it doesn't sound like this is a great situation for any of you--including the dog. If the roommate kicks him out or something, what will happen to her?

Yeah, no doubt about it, he's a jerk at best. I'd just concentrate my efforts, if I were you, on making life as good as you can for you and your kiddo.
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Old 11-03-2016, 04:03 PM
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Lex - the dog is getting on in age. She has trouble holding her bladder. He has a yard at his house. It was either put her down or he take her. He loves the dog, so he wanted to take her. My son isn't heart broken over the dog. The dog just tolerated my son, was never playful with him or anything.

I am definitely concentrating my efforts, as much as I can, on me. I do best with the most distance from him. I am not wanting him back in any capacity. I actually thought when I saw him on Halloween that I was soooo happy I didn't have to mother him anymore. What 37 year old man doesn't even have enough money for a bag of dog food. He had an enlightening event happen as well where he won't disclose all of the details. He was working at an event and got so drunk on wine being served there that he lost his glasses, his phone and his chin was all jacked up. It was like bruised or scraped or something. His entire chin. He was sick and couldn't even afford to take himself to the doctor. I do not want to 'take care' of him anymore in any capacity. I am done. I need to care for a 7 year old and show him how to be responsible. That was impossible living with the xabf. So, in that respect, I would never ever take him back. However, it just hurts so bad that he has moved on in the way he has. So fast. Seeing our son that he saw daily maybe once or twice a month, it hurts. I don't know why I expect more from a man that has never pitched in financially in the least. It is that stupid hope thing, I suppose. I hoped we could be a family unit, we couldn't. Then I hoped he could at least be a responsible co-parent so I can breathe some myself, but that is looking questionable too. I guess all the hope that I have for him to be something he isn't, is just a stupid fantasy I need to move on from. I am trying hard, trust me.
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Old 11-03-2016, 04:50 PM
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Hey, letitend. There's a lot going on in your mind right now. You will sort it out in time. Peace.
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Old 11-03-2016, 07:46 PM
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Originally Posted by letitend View Post
Lex - the dog is getting on in age. She has trouble holding her bladder. He has a yard at his house. It was either put her down or he take her. He loves the dog, so he wanted to take her. My son isn't heart broken over the dog. The dog just tolerated my son, was never playful with him or anything.

I am definitely concentrating my efforts, as much as I can, on me. I do best with the most distance from him. I am not wanting him back in any capacity. I actually thought when I saw him on Halloween that I was soooo happy I didn't have to mother him anymore. What 37 year old man doesn't even have enough money for a bag of dog food. He had an enlightening event happen as well where he won't disclose all of the details. He was working at an event and got so drunk on wine being served there that he lost his glasses, his phone and his chin was all jacked up. It was like bruised or scraped or something. His entire chin. He was sick and couldn't even afford to take himself to the doctor. I do not want to 'take care' of him anymore in any capacity. I am done. I need to care for a 7 year old and show him how to be responsible. That was impossible living with the xabf. So, in that respect, I would never ever take him back. However, it just hurts so bad that he has moved on in the way he has. So fast. Seeing our son that he saw daily maybe once or twice a month, it hurts. I don't know why I expect more from a man that has never pitched in financially in the least. It is that stupid hope thing, I suppose. I hoped we could be a family unit, we couldn't. Then I hoped he could at least be a responsible co-parent so I can breathe some myself, but that is looking questionable too. I guess all the hope that I have for him to be something he isn't, is just a stupid fantasy I need to move on from. I am trying hard, trust me.
Sounds like you are going through the hard work of figuring all this out and grieving the what-is-never-to-be. It does indeed truly suck.

Be kind to yourself Letitend. Peace and healing will come.
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Old 11-03-2016, 08:17 PM
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Yeah u learned that it's best to call ahead and insist they do also. ONCE you live seperately, it's best to back to feeling and acting like an outside guest.

I tried to do nice thoughtful acts, only to arrive when other men seem to "coincidentally " be there.

Then you also need to realize you are being effed with when it comes to not having enough money to feed the dog. IF he has enough money to date, he has enough money to feed his dog. If not, you need to call animal control to save the dog.

Been here, done this. I'm over $1000 into caring for a dog that she needed me to keep for a few weeks til she could pay the deposit to take him. That was 2 years ago.
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Old 11-04-2016, 05:10 AM
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I don't want to make this all about the pup, because clearly there is a lot to sort out. Sounds like your ex would like you to take some responsibility for the dog? Could you do that, or is it too hard to be there? Totally understand if it is. When my friend and SO split up, she decided it would be better for the dog to stay with the SO, for several reasons. But...she had to give up even visiting once in a while because it was just too hard to see the SO or the house they had shared. Good luck going forward. Life isn't fun sometimes.
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Old 11-04-2016, 09:20 AM
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As I mentioned, the dog is mine. She is old. She pees all over now and I can't have her because I do not have my own yard. She cannot go all day without peeing and will ruin my house.

I also have an almost 7 year old son with the man. So, he will be in my life for the rest of my life to some degree or another.

My hope, I guess, is that he would get help for himself. Not for me necessarily because I cannot wait another 10 years for that (or even 2), I need to move on. However, I thought he could put some effort into recovery for his son. Time will tell. It just feels like I am being stabbed in the heart to know that less than a week after moving out, he was with this girl he met at work. I personally would never bring a man around him until some time had passed. I definitely wouldn't bring a man around him with my kid in tow less than 2 months after we broke up. To me, it is disrespectful. It is like he is throwing it in my face. It hurt more yesterday than today. I have talked to friends and family about it, and got the support I need. I told my mom last night that I felt alone for the last 10 years anyways. I just need to get to a happy place. I will be ok. I am able to move towards peace more so when I don't have to see him. I am going to make the drop offs with my son very brief and only talk about the subject of my son with him. I am going to try very hard to steer my thoughts from him.

I joined a couple meet-up groups. I need to get out and meet some friends!
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Old 11-04-2016, 10:18 AM
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Originally Posted by letitend View Post
What 37 year old man doesn't even have enough money for a bag of dog food. He had an enlightening event happen as well where he won't disclose all of the details. He was working at an event and got so drunk on wine being served there that he lost his glasses, his phone and his chin was all jacked up. It was like bruised or scraped or something. His entire chin. He was sick and couldn't even afford to take himself to the doctor.

However, it just hurts so bad that he has moved on in the way he has. So fast.
Wow, what a catch HE is! You should feel pity for the new woman to bring herself so low to "want" this guy... and you should feel elated that you and more importantly YOUR SON is free of this guy. I know you can't swtich feelings over night, but hopefully this perspective comes very clear to you soon.
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Old 11-04-2016, 01:07 PM
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Hi...I'd just like to share that in my experience, emotionally unhealthy men cannot survive many days without a woman.

Emotionally HEALTHY men, sure. But every man I've known, whether friend, family, or lover, that's been emotionally unhealthy for whatever reason, has moved shockingly fast to put a new woman in his life.

This is no reflection on you, but should highlight that he's filling a void or a space, not that THE PERSON matters. When you realize that this means you too...it may be easier to emotionally let go.

I think you're still harboring some secret expectations from him rooted in hope...that's not in itself a bad thing, but you're set up for disappointment again and again. Maybe think a little about the dog situation. It feels like you may be inadvertently using it to stay a little more attached. (You could mail dog food money, order it online and have it shipped to him, ask a friend to drop some off, etc.)

I know this is hard!!!
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Old 11-04-2016, 01:24 PM
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Heard on this site: co-dependents mourn. Addicts replace. It isn't you. It isn't personal, as hard as that can be to fathom. He is alcohol dependent. He needs an enabler. You are not anymore--Yay!--so he has to find a new one. Sad, really.
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Old 11-06-2016, 01:20 AM
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Hi Letitend,
Just wanted to chime in that I think he's an a--, I agree with you that it's disrespectful and bad form that he's already got a new GF around your child together and you. I guess maybe it's part of his condition, but that doesn't excuse it, imo. Be mad. He's an a--.
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