Surviving2016

This may be long, and I'm not exactly sure what I'm looking for, but I have a feeling this is a good place to be. I came across this site a couple of days ago.

I have known my H was an alcoholic for about 2.5 years now. Before that we both drank a lot for fun (young, no kids yet) and it definitely clouded how bad his problem was to me. Plus being naive.

We currently have a 2 year old and I'm 7 months pregnant with #2. 2 months ago he decided to move out to "work on his issues." He went to a 6 week inpatient rehab program in the spring and seemed like a new man for 2 months and then overnight he changed and went back to the same patterns. It was miserable having it in the house but it was his choice to leave as I knew him being on his own would be an utter disaster. And it has been. He got his first dui the night he left. And is currently binging about every 10 days, but probably more.

I've gone to al-anon, individual counseling, read books, sought the council of many trusted priests, tons of prayer, and communication with close friends who have been in the same boat. The answer seems pretty clear I need to divorce him, but I can't seem to let go. I thought him moving out would help me detach, but it hasn't helped at all. I still know when he's drinking because he doesn't contact me or misses out on seeing our child. And I worry. I worry about finances (we worked so hard to get to where we are at and I feel like he'll cause us to lose it all and I can't do anything about it). I worry about all the drastic changes divorce brings about. I'm worried about the expense of the divorce and not having money left over after in case of emergencies. I'm worried it will mess up the dynamic with his family, whom I love. I've been with this guy for 13 years, married 7. He was the first and only guy I've ever been with.

I guess I'm wondering if I'm just fooling myself if I wait any longer. He's been gone 2 months. My thought was to wait until baby comes, wait until the 6 month mark. But I still am so scared. Will I ever feel at peace or does it mean I'm not ready? I keep having this stupid "hope" that THIS moment or THAT moment will be his rock bottom, I just need to give it more time. It has to be it. He's done the landing in the ER thing, the DUI. Is he really doomed to lose everything and I'm just being a fool for waiting? And on the other hand, I also feel like it's totally hopeless and there is no way he will ever recover, and yet I still have trouble focusing on me and not worrying about him.

I'm sorry this is so long and rambly. I'm sure I'll get some good advice though I just feel so alone. Young, pregnant mother with an AH. I don't know of anyone else in this situation. Although I know we're all the same in a way.

Sotiredofitall

I would at least contact a lawyer to get information if not to start the process of divorce. If he is still drinking, he is not seeking to get his act together. If he is not actively seeking help for his addiction, he is actively working on his staying addicted. It can't be both ways. Not with addiction. So,so sorry that you are going through this. Try to enjoy this pregnancy and your new baby/child where you are today. They grow so quickly and would hate to see you miss it all.

CaptainM

Surviving - you're brave to open up and you're right many of us are in similar boats. I'm a young wife divorcing my AH... didn't think I'd ever be in this boat! But we will make it through it, and be better for it. Just wanted to send you hugs.
I also think setting up an initial meeting with a lawyer or two will help you sort things out. One helpful thing I did was go to a Divorce 101 class (seriously!). It was held at a local community center for about $40 and was a three hour seminar going over all of the nitty gritty of my particular state's divorce laws. I left feeling empowered. From there I was able to have productive meetings with two attorneys before deciding on which one was best for me. So my 2 cents for today - when you're up for it, try to get educated about divorce laws in your state.

Keep working on you and the answer will start to become clear

Surviving2016

Thank you. I have met with a lawyer already, I just have to call (and pay up front) to file. It will be easy to start the process, other than worrying about the money.

Surviving2016

I think I have a good idea of what the divorce process will be like, I've met twice with the one I've chosen. I just don't know what it ultimately helps. He could still lose his job and not be able to pay child support. He could still flake on seeing our kids...i just want him to stop drinking

dandylion

Surviving...I have a feeling that you have gotten stuck by the idea that you should be feeling happier, right now.
I suspect that you have not grieved the loss of the dreams that you had for the marriage. You may be feeling the initial parts of it..a bit here and there....but it takes several months to about a year to complete the acute part of the grieving process.
You can't really grieve, completely, because you still are clinging to hope that he will "turn around". I think you may still be having trouble with the acceptance of the reality of your situation.
Acceptance of the fact that you can't control his drinking...no matter how much you want him to stop. Whether he stops or not is totally in his hands...and, it doesn't sound like he is ready. It could go on for years and years, like this. Alcoholism is progressive and this may be as good as it gets.
I believe that life will be more complex when you have two children to care for,

I can't help but think that it would be better to go ahead and get over the hump of filing before the baby comes. Then you can go through the grieving....which is actually the first stage of healing!
It is easier to be the divorced wife of a practicing alcoholic, than to be the current wife of a drinking alcoholic.....you are actually more protected....

sure, going through a divorce is painful......but....it is short-term pain for the long term gain. With a drinking alcoholic the pain doesn't get better..it just go on and on and gets worse over time....

I hope that you keep posting....there are many others, here, who have been in your shoes.

LexieCat

"Just" wanting him to stop drinking is a pretty tall order. He could go on this way for years, decades, forever. Do you really want to be in limbo for that long?

Divorce looks a lot scarier than it actually is. You're at much greater risk, financially, if you stay legally married to an alcoholic. He's likely to lose his job eventually, may rack up DUIs that cost tens of thousands in legal fees, increased insurance premiums, and related expenses. Not to mention he could seriously hurt or kill someone.

IF he turns the ship around and stays solidly sober, there's no reason you couldn't reconcile. But it can be a long and difficult process, and the sooner you get started the sooner it will be done so you can start building a new life for yourself and the kiddos.

atalose

It helps YOU as Lexie pointed out, from all of the things that could happen should you remain legally bound to this person.

Having been down this road and having witnessed so many others, experience says plan for all of those things to happen anyway. His job loss, him not paying child support or having the ability to do his fatherly duties or be emotionally present in all of your lives.

You can “hope” he sees the light and finds his way towards real recovery and turns his life around but as we say here………”hope” is not a plan.

dandylion

Surviving....try to think of it this way....think of the new baby.....a baby needs the full attention of a mother ......
It is impossible to give yourself, fully, to your children, when one is the stressed out spouse of an alcoholic---never knowing when the next disaster is going to hit.
In time, you will be able to get through this and do your own journey of healing..so that you can actually experience the joy of life....

Surviving2016

Thank you for all of the replies. I know what I need to do, I just don't know why I can't pull the trigger. Well, yes, I suppose I do know what's holding me back--my desire that he gets better. How can I let go of that desire and focus on what only I can control, AND be at peace with that? So far I just have so much fear about everything...trust me, I want to be brave. I want to know everything will be ok. Actually I do know it will be ok. It's like I can see happiness on the other side of the bridge but I'm too scared to cross even though I KNOW what could await me. I mean, it can't be worse leaving him than staying right??

maia1234

S,
I just posted this last Saturday.... Read it, it might hit home. Sending hugs my friend. Give him to God and you take are of you and your kids.


"Today is my two year anniversary of my divorce from axh. The regulars here know my story after joining here 26 months ago. I admit, I was an uneducated spouse, who came here looking for that “magic pill", that could just "fix" my alcohloc/addict. I was not in a good place, I was depressed, in a fog, and I had no idea how I was going to get through another day.

On Wednesday, October 29, 2014, I walked into the Judge’s chambers and cried my eyes out, as I signed my divorce papers. I just couldn't comprehend why I was divorcing a man that I loved more than myself. But after spending hours and hours in alanon and open AA meetings plus SR, I finally came to believe you were “right”. I had spent 34 years of my life listening to my heart, and look where it got me. You my friends, held both of my hands, (not just one) as I navigated this world of the unknown. You called me out when my codie voice and actions would emerge. You would send hugs and compassion when you could "feel" my tears. You are all so embedded in my sole, and for that I am forever grateful. My close friends and family don't even know my full truths; and the "double" life I was leading. But that’s ok, as I am sure they just wouldn't understand it anyway. (You should a just left??) Ugh!!

So let's fast forward 26 months. My life is nothing like what I had "feared" about being divorced, and I can't really even remember what I had feared. One therapist told me "You are a stronger person to divorce, then stick around in a rotten marriage". Who knew??""

Bekindalways

Welcome to SR Surviving. I am so glad you found us.

It is quite the process and may take time. Maia has given the example of her journey. Yours may be somewhat different.

Keep breathing and taking care of yourself. You have a lot on your plate.

CoParentToA

I can relate to the situation you are going through, and why you must feel torn.

We were expecting when I finally realized that our marriage wasn't going to work. And at that point, I wanted it to happen ASAP, because I was unwilling to bring children into what I knew was a dysfunctional relationship.

Here's the kicker, though: when I made my decision to leave my AH, I didn't yet realize he was an alcoholic.

What I DID see what a bunch of behavior that I felt was counter to our being in a successful partnership: unwilling to work and earn income to help support us, emotionally unsupportive and sometimes cruel, a DUI he wasn't willing to take accountability for, gaslighting, etc, etc. And I knew that I definitely did not want my children to be raised in a relationship where that was the normal course of business.

The scary thing is: I am worried that had I known he was an alcoholic - I may have stayed and tried to "fix" him like so many others have.

Thank goodness I looked at what I was seeing - a man who was not treating me well, and who showed no interest in trying to change when I asked him to treat me well - and left. I'm remarried now, and my kids have a stable father figure whom they love. They have no memory of their father and me being together, as he moved out before they were old enough to remember.

The divorce was expensive both financially and emotionally, but after feeling like it would hang over my head forever (money and financial security is a major trigger for me), I realize that I got past it and caught up in just a few years. It's such a relief to not be living a life with him (which to Lexie's point was terribly financially unstable), I can barely believe I ever worried about the cost of it at the beginning.

Good luck; sounds like you are taking the right first steps and though you say you are not ready, recognizing that you likely need to take a course of action is really where it all starts. It took me about 4 months from the point where I thought I needed a divorce until I was ready to articulate that to my XH and actually put things in motion.

FreedomCA

Hi Surviving,
Similar to you, I am also married to an alcoholic for 6.5 years. Has there been turmoil and disaster? Yes. But I love him so much, and it would be sooo painful for me to leave him. So I have stayed with him. Is it the best choice? I don't know, but I can say that I am mostly happy and content, my career is growing, I am taking care of myself and have learned to let go trying to control him, and I am learning how to detach from him when he is unhealthy. Most people on here may say that I am in denial. But I have worked hard to not have to sign the divorce papers just yet, and part of me is proud of that. This is just my experience. I hope you discover the path that is right for you. There is no right or wrong way to go about this, as everyone is different.

hearthealth

The answer seems pretty clear I need to divorce him, but I can't seem to let go. I thought him moving out would help me detach, but it hasn't helped at all. I still know when he's drinking because he doesn't contact me or misses out on seeing our child. And I worry. I worry about finances (we worked so hard to get to where we are at and I feel like he'll cause us to lose it all and I can't do anything about it). I worry about all the drastic changes divorce brings about. I'm worried about the expense of the divorce and not having money left over after in case of emergencies. I'm worried it will mess up the dynamic with his family, whom I love. I've been with this guy for 13 years, married 7. He was the first and only guy I've ever been with.

I guess I'm wondering if I'm just fooling myself if I wait any longer. He's been gone 2 months. My thought was to wait until baby comes, wait until the 6 month mark. But I still am so scared. Will I ever feel at peace or does it mean I'm not ready? I keep having this stupid "hope" that THIS moment or THAT moment will be his rock bottom, I just need to give it more time. It has to be it. He's done the landing in the ER thing, the DUI. Is he really doomed to lose everything and I'm just being a fool for waiting? And on the other hand, I also feel like it's totally hopeless and there is no way he will ever recover, and yet I still have trouble focusing on me and not worrying about him.

I've been waiting. I've been worrying. When the baby comes it is a time frame but it won't make it easier. Do you have support from your family? You say you only want him to stop drinking but we all want more, that part of a true relationship. Make a list of those things. Does he make any action to do those things? If you point out your needs how does he react? Do you have a plan to make your goals happen or do you stay focus in the worrying. Keeping a log may help working toward a goal. If only one side is making the effort it's not much of a relationship and a journal will help point that out. IME having the courage to speak up when appropriate if even to yourself. These are my standards you'll eventually know what you want in life for you and your child. Your not alone in being pregnant and being with an alcoholic. Best wishes which ever coarse and timeframe you choose.

qtpi

This thread has been so healing for me- I left my STBXAH after 33 years of marriage and two children. I " adjusted " to him not treating me well at times- When he was crabby, I was sweet and he would come around... sometimes. I put up with less than I deserved. I told myself I had to make it work for the children, then I told myself it was good to have someone to rely on as I aged- until one day he showed to me how unreliable and abusive he was. I am still trying to get my brain to accept the reality that this was an abusive, inadequate, unloving relationship. I believed him when he said he loved me. Even though he kept drinking. Even though he would put me down. Even though he would hurt me. Even though he tapped my phone, criticized my friends and family, snooped through my belongings, read my diaries. Even criticized the way I speak- I hold my S too long on the end of a word! Even though he spent way more money than me on his hobbies and made me feel guilty if I called him on it. He was a house devil, street angel- everyone outside thinks he is wonderful. He would say mean things to me.. but only when other people weren't around. So I " Adjusted." I built a separate life- my own friends, family, hobbies, and exercise. OK- being judgmental here- I see this behavior on his part as evil- but he had me where he wanted me- he had a loving wife, a nice family- and he got to continue in his addiction. I told myself I could live this way and have a happy life- and I suppose I could do that. But one day the sun broke through the clouds- the day he said to me, " I deeply resent you because you are so happy. "Direct quote. Why would any sane, rational man/ husband say that to the wife he proclaims to love? I was living with a madman.