He was a buffer!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
He was a buffer!
I am about to call my broker back about the home loan I applied for, and even though she said everything looks good I am so scared I am going to receive news I won’t like… or that I won’t be able to afford a place I like on my own. I am so scared of living on my own… for starters I own nothing, not even a bed… and I miss having the comfort of someone there if things get tough. If things get tough now it will just be me, myself and I that will have to get through it. I am scared that I will fall apart… I can already see how the stress of just this part is getting to me!
I start to become unorganized which just makes things worse… I don’t do as much cleaning and I let more things slide because I get really caught up with mental chatter. I find myself filling up my time with things like social media (distractions) instead of doing what needs to be done.
I am realizing now that my ex used to handle a lot of these phone calls and such… he would receive news like this first and then relay it to me. I didn’t realize that it alleviated a lot of personal stress in my life.
I hate this, I feel really exposed and vulnerable.
I know I have to face this and do this on my own, I just never saw how much of a buffer he actually was...
I start to become unorganized which just makes things worse… I don’t do as much cleaning and I let more things slide because I get really caught up with mental chatter. I find myself filling up my time with things like social media (distractions) instead of doing what needs to be done.
I am realizing now that my ex used to handle a lot of these phone calls and such… he would receive news like this first and then relay it to me. I didn’t realize that it alleviated a lot of personal stress in my life.
I hate this, I feel really exposed and vulnerable.
I know I have to face this and do this on my own, I just never saw how much of a buffer he actually was...
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Expanding....^^^^^^honeypig's post is a truth that I have come to know!
Much of our growth occurs outside of our comfort zone. The thing is, that, after a while,and, through experience, out discomfort zone morphs into out new "normal" comfort zone.
I think that applying for a bank loan scares the wee-willies out of just about everyone. In fact, where anyone has the power to tell us "No" can cause us to feel rejected...and worry about our security.....
In the absence of a partner...I think that one reach es for good friends and others to be their "soft place to fall" when things get tough. some are lucky enough to have supportive family---and others don't have that blessing....
During my single days (with three children)....it was my friends, neighbors, co-workers, and other loving souls that I met along the way....
I have no doubt that you will find a domicile of your own, eventually. and no matter how humble it might be...if you have friends and peace in your heart....you can count yourself as among the wealthy....wealthy beyond what gold can buy...
Much of our growth occurs outside of our comfort zone. The thing is, that, after a while,and, through experience, out discomfort zone morphs into out new "normal" comfort zone.
I think that applying for a bank loan scares the wee-willies out of just about everyone. In fact, where anyone has the power to tell us "No" can cause us to feel rejected...and worry about our security.....
In the absence of a partner...I think that one reach es for good friends and others to be their "soft place to fall" when things get tough. some are lucky enough to have supportive family---and others don't have that blessing....
During my single days (with three children)....it was my friends, neighbors, co-workers, and other loving souls that I met along the way....
I have no doubt that you will find a domicile of your own, eventually. and no matter how humble it might be...if you have friends and peace in your heart....you can count yourself as among the wealthy....wealthy beyond what gold can buy...
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
everything you've ever wanted is one step outside your comfort zone.
a ship in harbor is safe. but that's not what the ship was built for.
growth and true serenity came when I stepped out of my comfort zone.
a ship in harbor is safe. but that's not what the ship was built for.
growth and true serenity came when I stepped out of my comfort zone.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
It always helps me to draw a distance running analogy - to train and improve you have to log the distance as well as have a few moments of significant discomfort (commonly known as a tempo run)
Yikes - there is not a one runner on earth that likes those. They stink. But they are essential for quick improvement. Logging the distance will get you some improvement, but those uncomfortable ones really accelerate it.
Of course - one has to make sure to rest appropriate and eat nutritious stuff after one. Take care of yourself, think how many skills you are gaining - you will emerge stronger, better. Go Expanding!
P.S free web-based organizing boards helped me with things tremendously when I felt like a floor was falling from under me
Yikes - there is not a one runner on earth that likes those. They stink. But they are essential for quick improvement. Logging the distance will get you some improvement, but those uncomfortable ones really accelerate it.
Of course - one has to make sure to rest appropriate and eat nutritious stuff after one. Take care of yourself, think how many skills you are gaining - you will emerge stronger, better. Go Expanding!
P.S free web-based organizing boards helped me with things tremendously when I felt like a floor was falling from under me
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
And here's something pretty cool too-- if it's YOUR place, and yours alone...so what if you want to lose track of time on social media relaxing? Who cares if it's messy or dirty? If you do, you'll clean it. If you don't, don't do it. The day will come when you get the urge to clean it up. Then maybe it will slowly decline again. And it's all on your schedule, based on your wants, not someone else's.
Sometimes we don't truly learn who we are and what our preferences are until we're able to live alone. It's a terrific time to remove the word "should" from your vocabulary and just decide what you want from each day.
And I do believe you can do this!
Sometimes we don't truly learn who we are and what our preferences are until we're able to live alone. It's a terrific time to remove the word "should" from your vocabulary and just decide what you want from each day.
And I do believe you can do this!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
Thank you all as usual! Just finished up a tough class at the gym. Now going to watch that episode of the walking dead I missed and relax... thinking about how some day I'll be doing this on my own couch in my own place... and it'll be spotless and quiet and cozy. My cat won't be terrorized by a big puppy and we'll both have free reign over the entire place... soon!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Here's something else to consider, too. Men are not born with the ability to make financial decisions and to repair stuff encoded on their Y chromosome, any more than women are born homemakers. They often handle that stuff because it's expected of them, and they have their own anxieties about it (though they may be more socialized to cover up those anxieties with a facade of confidence).
When I was a brand new prosecutor, I spent some time in court watching other lawyers. After a while, I realized that a lot of them were complete idiots, and not the brilliant advocates I had imagined. It was GREAT for my confidence that I could do at LEAST as well (and probably much better) than most of them.
I felt completely flummoxed the first few times I had to handle a major home disaster (I won't tell the story of the FIRST sewer flood again). Since then I've had many more, including one I am still dealing with. Know what? I'm handling them at least as well as any of my previous partners would have. It's taken some practice, but I'm capable of handling them. You handle one piece of it at a time, prioritizing. And some things can wait, as long as you can put up with it and it isn't causing further damage.
And when my mess at home became a personal crisis, I hired a home organizer to get me started. My house is fairly orderly now and reasonably clean. In time, you'll come to appreciate your ability to handle whatever comes your way on your OWN.
When I was a brand new prosecutor, I spent some time in court watching other lawyers. After a while, I realized that a lot of them were complete idiots, and not the brilliant advocates I had imagined. It was GREAT for my confidence that I could do at LEAST as well (and probably much better) than most of them.
I felt completely flummoxed the first few times I had to handle a major home disaster (I won't tell the story of the FIRST sewer flood again). Since then I've had many more, including one I am still dealing with. Know what? I'm handling them at least as well as any of my previous partners would have. It's taken some practice, but I'm capable of handling them. You handle one piece of it at a time, prioritizing. And some things can wait, as long as you can put up with it and it isn't causing further damage.
And when my mess at home became a personal crisis, I hired a home organizer to get me started. My house is fairly orderly now and reasonably clean. In time, you'll come to appreciate your ability to handle whatever comes your way on your OWN.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Columbus
Posts: 310
Hi expanding I can relate to your anxiety. I thanks be to God bought a truck last week (new to me) and the whole time we were signing papers I expected to hear them say oops we made a mistake you don't deserve a reliable vehicle cause you used to be a drunk who couldn't keep two cents in her pocket. But they didn't and she is beautiful and shes all mine. It takes time to realize that not everything will end in disaster and heartache anymore. Its scary to hope for good things but hang in there it gets better !!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I know it feels like you keep getting kicked while you're down (lord, do I know!) but looking in from the outside I see you getting SO aware & making such big strides toward a healthier "you". You are really doing great!! (((((((Hugs)))))))
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Expanding.....another thought.....
Avoid Future Tripping. Much of future tripping is about turning over rocks to find more things to worry about. And, it usually just results in reinforcing an already negative outlook....It sends our anxieties soaring, even more. The more our anxiety soars...the more we future trip....It just becomes a vicious cycle that scares us and sends our own self confidence in a downward spiral....
How to stop that cycle?......strive, everyday, to stay living in the present.
Use most all of your efforts and mental energies to live the day that you are in, in the best possible way.
You can't live in the past...you can't live in the future...you can only, ever, live the day that you are in......
***I envy animals, in this respect....They live, totally, in the present.
Avoid Future Tripping. Much of future tripping is about turning over rocks to find more things to worry about. And, it usually just results in reinforcing an already negative outlook....It sends our anxieties soaring, even more. The more our anxiety soars...the more we future trip....It just becomes a vicious cycle that scares us and sends our own self confidence in a downward spiral....
How to stop that cycle?......strive, everyday, to stay living in the present.
Use most all of your efforts and mental energies to live the day that you are in, in the best possible way.
You can't live in the past...you can't live in the future...you can only, ever, live the day that you are in......
***I envy animals, in this respect....They live, totally, in the present.
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