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well, my ex alcoholic bf and father of my child ****** up for the first time in three years

Old 10-30-2016, 04:26 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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well, my ex alcoholic bf and father of my child ****** up for the first time in three years

Hi everyone,

I hope everyone is doing well. I posted a lot here a few years ago, hence the "2013" in my username, and I got so much support and clarity here. Thank you all for the support during my journey <3 I learned about codependency and setting boundaries and the importance of dealing with family of origin trauma (my father is an alcoholic and my exbf is also alcoholic).

I haven't posted in a long time because after I went to court over custody issues with my ex alcoholic boyfriend in 2013, things got a lot better. After securing a court order that we both agreed to (well, I begrudgingly agreed to it because he admitted that he still drinks beer but he thinks he can "control it" and the judge didn't care about that unless my son was in direct danger, which I couldn't prove), my ex consistently kept up with the custody schedule (every other weekend and once a week dinner visits). To my knowledge, he has not been drunk or hungover when he has picked up/dropped off our son, and he hasn't sounded like that during any phone conversations, either.

But yesterday, he messed up. He was supposed to pick up our son from a birthday party that I took him to. When the party was ending at 2PM, I hadn't heard from him so I called him. He was slurring and I could barely understand him. There was a lot of noise from inside the party area so I thought, "Well, maybe I just I can't hear him very well," but in my gut I knew what was happening. Once we were in the car, I called him back and he sounded trashed. He said he was at the beach with friends from out of town (we live in SoCal). I told him that it sounded like he was drinking. He said, "HELL NO I DON'T DRINK. I want to see my son." I hung up and texted him that it seemed like he was slurring from drinking and in that case it is better if our son stays with me. He texted back, "Ok" and that was that.

My son is six years old so he was asking why his dad wasn't coming anymore. I said, "Your dad is sick." Which is technically true, I guess, in the context of alcoholism. He seemed disappointed and that really hurt. I was also upset that my ex prioritized his friends and drinking over our son. A few days ago, my ex told me on the phone that he was excited to have our son for the Halloween weekend because he made plans with a friend of his who also has a child around the same age and they had plans to carve pumpkins and have Halloween fun together. But none of that mattered.

Then this morning, my ex calls me at 10AM and he sounds groggy. I asked him if he just woke up and he said yes. He asked to see our son. I said, "Well, not if you're hung over" and he said, "I'm not hungover" and it triggered me because it sounded like his other ridiculous alcoholic excuses from back in day. I told him no and we hung up pretty quickly and that was that.

I'm sharing this here because I'm asking for support and I know everyone here understands. It's been a long time, but this reminds me that alcoholism is truly a lifelong disease and that it was only a matter of time before my ex messed up.

I would greatly appreciate any words of support. Thank you everyone <3
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Old 10-30-2016, 04:51 PM
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Welcome back! I would absolutely do the same thing - I have drug/alcohol testing written in for supervised visitation.

Document all instances of him not being able to follow schedule because of being drunk.

I know DS must be upset - but his safety is the most important here.

Good luck.
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Old 10-30-2016, 06:36 PM
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Thank you, Nata1980, for the kind words and support!

I've been thinking to suppress that catastrophic thinking about what ELSE could have happened when my son has his weekends with his dad...I don't know for sure and I know it's out of my control. I know all I can do is document, document, document, but there is that part of me that wishes I fully protect my son against his dad's alcoholism...I know that's not possible though
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Old 11-02-2016, 11:35 AM
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Hi, Butterfly. I think you were completely within your rights to pick up your son and deny the visit. IMO, you're also within your right to decline a make up visit. He missed the original visit pick up, you're under no obligation to further tweak your schedule to give him an alternate schedule.

DS was 6 when I filed for divorce and that's about the time the issues with AXH's visits (and no-shows) came to a head. F... it was hard on DS. (It was hard here, too, but I'm not a little guy who wanted to believe his dad hung the stars only to realize Dad's priorities were elsewhere.) It's impossible to completely protect our kids from their A-parent's behavior, but we can definitely let them know we're there for them and help them process stuff. ((((hugs)))) to you and your son. You're doing a good job.
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