Flaky people. Flaky people everywhere.
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Flaky people. Flaky people everywhere.
So I was talking to my therapist the other day about this. She stated that it is just so happens there are these flaky people around me and it has nothing to do with me.
1) XAH being a flake - saying he would have a visit with DS, changing his mind last minute (resulting in me cancelling my plans)
2) Nanny - complaining that she is afraid that she won't have enough hours over holidays, I put schedule together and asked her to look over and let me know if hours are sufficient, if not - we can figure out extra. It is taking her 4 weeks to respond. Same with lease car benefit I suggested since she was complaining that she was putting miles on her car. Radio silence. I think she just prefers to complain.
3) My guy-friend - he texted me a month ago, said he will be in town wants to have dinner - I said sure. So he was texting a few times here and there - to make sure I am still available. This weekend comes - nothing. Nada.
4) My mom - I asked her to help with DS over the summer - she does not work, she has all the excuses in the world and cannot come up with something firm. She does not work and I offered to pay her expenses so it would not cost her anything.
I am constantly told that my expectations are too high and my coping skills are superior to others so I don't understand how hard it is for others. things listed above don't seem like they require extraordinary effort. For XAH - just show up when you said you would, nanny - stop complaining and take a look at what is offered - since it seems to be important to you, mom - just be there for your kid for once.
Maybe it is me? It seems that everyone around me just talks the talk, they are "there for me", but when I ask for help - no one is available.
Anyone with the same experience? Is it really that I am just overly responsible and everyone else is normal and they seem like flakes to me?
Discuss
1) XAH being a flake - saying he would have a visit with DS, changing his mind last minute (resulting in me cancelling my plans)
2) Nanny - complaining that she is afraid that she won't have enough hours over holidays, I put schedule together and asked her to look over and let me know if hours are sufficient, if not - we can figure out extra. It is taking her 4 weeks to respond. Same with lease car benefit I suggested since she was complaining that she was putting miles on her car. Radio silence. I think she just prefers to complain.
3) My guy-friend - he texted me a month ago, said he will be in town wants to have dinner - I said sure. So he was texting a few times here and there - to make sure I am still available. This weekend comes - nothing. Nada.
4) My mom - I asked her to help with DS over the summer - she does not work, she has all the excuses in the world and cannot come up with something firm. She does not work and I offered to pay her expenses so it would not cost her anything.
I am constantly told that my expectations are too high and my coping skills are superior to others so I don't understand how hard it is for others. things listed above don't seem like they require extraordinary effort. For XAH - just show up when you said you would, nanny - stop complaining and take a look at what is offered - since it seems to be important to you, mom - just be there for your kid for once.
Maybe it is me? It seems that everyone around me just talks the talk, they are "there for me", but when I ask for help - no one is available.
Anyone with the same experience? Is it really that I am just overly responsible and everyone else is normal and they seem like flakes to me?
Discuss
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No doubt in my mind that many people are not really looking for solutions. They just want to complain. And I once heard that if someone has more than one excuse not to do something, they just plain don't want to do it. As for XAH, well, enough said. Can't count on alcoholics to tell you the correct time. Hang in there, Nata. You are sensible and solution oriented. Nothing wrong with that.
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Many do like to complain. There are other factors, too.
People hate to commit to anything, now. When I was a kid, my parents wanted to go on a vacation without us kids. I can't imagine why. Anyway, I stayed with my best friend for a week. My sister stayed with hers. My parents *of course* returned the favor to the host parents.
Later in life we had a member of our social group who would never respond to an invitation right away. In fact, he wouldn't make a decision until a day or so before, just in case a better offer presented itself.
My colleague griped and moaned that the boss scheduled him for too many closing shifts. It was an unusual retail situation. A 'late' shift meant staying the one night we were open late: until 7 pm. Big sacrifice. So boss scheduled him to open instead...And colleague complained because he had choir practice the night before, and of course the boss knew it would be hard for him to open. I have to say here: there were exactly two salespeople to staff the store: colleague and Boss...and colleague didn't want to open or close on the one day we were open an extra hour and a half.
This spring, Boss was contacted by another business that thought we might be able to provide a specific service for them. When ever we called to talk/negotiate/ discuss, the line was "We'll think about it and get back to you." They eventually told us they weren't interested after all, but it took them about four months to make a decision.
So, you ex is the ex for a reason and you're here because he's an addict. Your nanny wants hours but now she's thinking about her social schedule over the holidays. She wants money, but she doesn't want to miss any parties.
You pegged it: a lot of people today talk the talk, but they don't walk the walk.
People hate to commit to anything, now. When I was a kid, my parents wanted to go on a vacation without us kids. I can't imagine why. Anyway, I stayed with my best friend for a week. My sister stayed with hers. My parents *of course* returned the favor to the host parents.
Later in life we had a member of our social group who would never respond to an invitation right away. In fact, he wouldn't make a decision until a day or so before, just in case a better offer presented itself.
My colleague griped and moaned that the boss scheduled him for too many closing shifts. It was an unusual retail situation. A 'late' shift meant staying the one night we were open late: until 7 pm. Big sacrifice. So boss scheduled him to open instead...And colleague complained because he had choir practice the night before, and of course the boss knew it would be hard for him to open. I have to say here: there were exactly two salespeople to staff the store: colleague and Boss...and colleague didn't want to open or close on the one day we were open an extra hour and a half.
This spring, Boss was contacted by another business that thought we might be able to provide a specific service for them. When ever we called to talk/negotiate/ discuss, the line was "We'll think about it and get back to you." They eventually told us they weren't interested after all, but it took them about four months to make a decision.
So, you ex is the ex for a reason and you're here because he's an addict. Your nanny wants hours but now she's thinking about her social schedule over the holidays. She wants money, but she doesn't want to miss any parties.
You pegged it: a lot of people today talk the talk, but they don't walk the walk.
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Yeah - I agree but I just don't understand why even they open their mouth? I really think that meaningless communication needs to be outlawed lol. I would get more done at work haha.
Some of it is cultural, too. Where I am from if people say "we need to get together sometime" they mean it and scheduling it right there and then....it still puzzles me why people say it when they have no intention of doing so lol. It is not like it adds value to conversation or anything....
Some of it is cultural, too. Where I am from if people say "we need to get together sometime" they mean it and scheduling it right there and then....it still puzzles me why people say it when they have no intention of doing so lol. It is not like it adds value to conversation or anything....
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I am constantly told that my expectations are too high and my coping skills are superior to others so I don't understand how hard it is for others. things listed above don't seem like they require extraordinary effort.
Ironically, my sister provided me with some insight about this. She pointed out that there were a number of people in my family who were intimidated by me and two of my cousins because we were non-flaky. We seemed to come from a completely different planet. It was easy for us to keep it together but for others it was not so easy. So they made themselves feel better by accusing us of being anal-retentive.
That said, I see my dad, who is the sweetest, kindest man, act like a flake constantly. This man could not schedule his way out of a paper bag. Getting a fricking date/committment out of him is like pulling teeth. Now that he has to keep track of his chemo appointments and meds, I can tell that it's hard for him. He has EVERY motivation to keep track of this stuff because it is a matter of life or death, but he just finds it extremely difficult. So I do as much as I can for him. And as much as he drives me crazy sometimes, I still love him to pieces. And as much as I drive him crazy, I know that he loves me too.
So I guess my long-winded reply is really saying, just spend as much time with people who truly appreciate who you are?
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Hi Everyone,
I am seeing a TON of codependency issues in the above. Namely, "control". Believe me, I know. I am a control freak in recovery! I am really beginning to see that it is a GOOD thing that everyone isn't like me. I think that would be hell on earth for everyone involved! Yes, it drives me absolutely crazy that everyone isn't as "responsible" or "scheduled" as I am! However, I have come to realize that this is one of my character flaws. I expect way too much of people and then I am annoyed when they let me down or don't measure up to my own unattainable standards.
I am not trying to be mean, I am just saying that these are things that we are able to identify when we start seriously attending to our own recovery journey. Yes, it is so hard to let go of that control, but trying to control those around you will make you insane! The Serenity Prayer is so fitting for this situation... "accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the DIFFERENCE!" Oh, and I am NOT yelling!!! Hahahaha! I am emphasizing! LOLOLOL
I am seeing a TON of codependency issues in the above. Namely, "control". Believe me, I know. I am a control freak in recovery! I am really beginning to see that it is a GOOD thing that everyone isn't like me. I think that would be hell on earth for everyone involved! Yes, it drives me absolutely crazy that everyone isn't as "responsible" or "scheduled" as I am! However, I have come to realize that this is one of my character flaws. I expect way too much of people and then I am annoyed when they let me down or don't measure up to my own unattainable standards.
I am not trying to be mean, I am just saying that these are things that we are able to identify when we start seriously attending to our own recovery journey. Yes, it is so hard to let go of that control, but trying to control those around you will make you insane! The Serenity Prayer is so fitting for this situation... "accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the DIFFERENCE!" Oh, and I am NOT yelling!!! Hahahaha! I am emphasizing! LOLOLOL
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Caretaker, thank you for your input. I am afraid there's quite a bit of over generalization on your part. Expecting people to adhere to what they said they would do seems normal to me. Early on in my marriage I tried to make sure XAH went to work - that was controlling, later I did not care and let him deal with consequences (which became my consequences as well since he lost his job and income). I feel many misinterpret recovery program and conclude that their standards are too high.
My issue was that the alcoholic was able to lower my standards over the years. I would not have married him if he was unemployed. After being married to him for a few years it became acceptable to me since he was "stay at home dad" (while DS was in daycare full time lol). This is precisely when he started slipping back into abyss, I married him when he was sober.
Expectation there is for XAH to show up when he said he would with DS (so the latter does not have to cry himself to sleep), and for employee give some sort of response to information that was given to her at her inquiry. As with my guy friend, I secured a sitter for the night and was looking forward to it - hardly co-dependent.
With XAH, my inclination is to cancel all visits (I don't have to provide visits and he keeps yanking my chain and upsetting DS). Nanny - I will remind her again I suppose. With guy friend it is easy - screw him, moving on
My issue was that the alcoholic was able to lower my standards over the years. I would not have married him if he was unemployed. After being married to him for a few years it became acceptable to me since he was "stay at home dad" (while DS was in daycare full time lol). This is precisely when he started slipping back into abyss, I married him when he was sober.
Expectation there is for XAH to show up when he said he would with DS (so the latter does not have to cry himself to sleep), and for employee give some sort of response to information that was given to her at her inquiry. As with my guy friend, I secured a sitter for the night and was looking forward to it - hardly co-dependent.
With XAH, my inclination is to cancel all visits (I don't have to provide visits and he keeps yanking my chain and upsetting DS). Nanny - I will remind her again I suppose. With guy friend it is easy - screw him, moving on
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I understand what you are saying. You continue to feel like you are carrying the entire load and it is exhausting! I know it is! It feels like people should have just a basic respect for you, your time, and your feelings. Rightfully so! However, people are just not always that way. It is the recognition that, yes, it is hurtful, but then just let it go. It is the way they are. You cannot change them into suddenly being responsible and respectful. They have already proven they aren't, so you just can't expect them to be any different or you will continue to feel hurt and disappointed.
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Originally Posted by caretaker88 
I understand what you are saying. You continue to feel like you are carrying the entire load and it is exhausting! I know it is! It feels like people should have just a basic respect for you, your time, and your feelings. Rightfully so! However, people are just not always that way. It is the recognition that, yes, it is hurtful, but then just let it go. It is the way they are. You cannot change them into suddenly being responsible and respectful. They have already proven they aren't, so you just can't expect them to be any different or you will continue to feel hurt and disappointed.
I don't feel like I carry a burden by the way - I feel greatful that things are easier for me, and that I am functional (most days)I obviously knew this about XAH, not about nanny and guy friend though. And my mom - let's not go there lol.
I am not going to lower my general expectations of people because of these few bad apples - just expectations as they pertain to them. There is a reason why XAH is an X, right? The hardest part is the tears of DS - if it was just me I would go no contact forever and not bother with him.
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Yep - I'm with caretaker too - this falls under Acceptance in my world. Once I accept others for who they are then I no longer have the discomfort of unmet/unrealistic expectations.
Someone doesn't mean what they say? I'll remember that now that I've seen the pattern & expect that this is who they are - and never depend on them to keep their word. Truth is people ARE that way for whatever reasons & I don't have time to analyze them all to death, nor is it any of my business.
Nanny can't decide on the schedule & is dragging it out endlessly? Next time I'll give her a deadline to respond so that *I* am not waiting beyond my comfort zone to make changes.
Your mom doesn't want to use her time to watch your son, well, that may sting a bit personally (said with experience) but that's her right, isn't it? Aren't you being a bit presumptuous expecting her to WANT to give you that time to ease your schedule?
XA can't keep his word with DS? That really sucks but in reality it's something DS is probably going to deal with for the rest of his life, isn't it? We can expect him to follow pattern & not show up & then talk to DS when he's reacting to help him talk/think/feel his way through it so that he's learning that 1.) Yes, his feelings about it matter & he has the right to be angry/upset & 2.) how to not stuff his feelings down into internal stresses. No matter what you do you cannot change XA's ways but you can focus on making lemonade out of the lemons & helping DS build his own toolbox to deal with this as he grows up, right? (DD was 5 when we started having these discussions & actively building tools.)
Look, there's no nice way to sugar-coat it: People Suck. And their lack of self-awareness is becoming pandemic, in my opinion.
Once you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change: How have you responded to these types of situations in the past? Were your expectations different before you had this shift of perspective in your life? Who really changed in all of this? Did others suddenly start acting differently or did your mindset/boundaries/etc change creating the "change" on YOUR side?
I actually think these moments of discomfort bring me to huge growth points I might not have had otherwise - this is the nitty-gritty of recovery in day-to-day life, IMO. It's not all about the big strokes, there is so much happening in all these little details. I think this is great stuff Nata, great thread!
Someone doesn't mean what they say? I'll remember that now that I've seen the pattern & expect that this is who they are - and never depend on them to keep their word. Truth is people ARE that way for whatever reasons & I don't have time to analyze them all to death, nor is it any of my business.
Nanny can't decide on the schedule & is dragging it out endlessly? Next time I'll give her a deadline to respond so that *I* am not waiting beyond my comfort zone to make changes.
Your mom doesn't want to use her time to watch your son, well, that may sting a bit personally (said with experience) but that's her right, isn't it? Aren't you being a bit presumptuous expecting her to WANT to give you that time to ease your schedule?
XA can't keep his word with DS? That really sucks but in reality it's something DS is probably going to deal with for the rest of his life, isn't it? We can expect him to follow pattern & not show up & then talk to DS when he's reacting to help him talk/think/feel his way through it so that he's learning that 1.) Yes, his feelings about it matter & he has the right to be angry/upset & 2.) how to not stuff his feelings down into internal stresses. No matter what you do you cannot change XA's ways but you can focus on making lemonade out of the lemons & helping DS build his own toolbox to deal with this as he grows up, right? (DD was 5 when we started having these discussions & actively building tools.)
Look, there's no nice way to sugar-coat it: People Suck. And their lack of self-awareness is becoming pandemic, in my opinion.
Once you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change: How have you responded to these types of situations in the past? Were your expectations different before you had this shift of perspective in your life? Who really changed in all of this? Did others suddenly start acting differently or did your mindset/boundaries/etc change creating the "change" on YOUR side?
I actually think these moments of discomfort bring me to huge growth points I might not have had otherwise - this is the nitty-gritty of recovery in day-to-day life, IMO. It's not all about the big strokes, there is so much happening in all these little details. I think this is great stuff Nata, great thread!
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Thank you FireSprite - agree on all points. Except you did not mention how to handle a guy-friend lol.
Not surprised about my mom - she has always been selfish - she somehow has no problem coming over when I plan vacations/New York City trips for her. Finds time, you know....
I do agree that growth comes from these moments of discomfort, I am a big believer - I did quite a bit of distance running, know exactly what it means
One point that puzzles me - this whole "trust no one rely on yourself only" does not jive with learning to ask for help - every time I do it (which is very hard), I get turned down. How do I handle asking for help? Do I have to be pitiful and desperate to receive it? My parents have never helped me with anything because "I figure things out". Now, with my twin sister it is different. She gets a cold, and mom races over to take care of her. Any thoughts on that?
Not surprised about my mom - she has always been selfish - she somehow has no problem coming over when I plan vacations/New York City trips for her. Finds time, you know....
I do agree that growth comes from these moments of discomfort, I am a big believer - I did quite a bit of distance running, know exactly what it means
One point that puzzles me - this whole "trust no one rely on yourself only" does not jive with learning to ask for help - every time I do it (which is very hard), I get turned down. How do I handle asking for help? Do I have to be pitiful and desperate to receive it? My parents have never helped me with anything because "I figure things out". Now, with my twin sister it is different. She gets a cold, and mom races over to take care of her. Any thoughts on that?
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Always keep your expectations high on achievement and low on people.
You get less frustrated and hurt that way. And I always have to remind myself that people show you who and how they are, believe them. Their actions speak louder then their words.
You get less frustrated and hurt that way. And I always have to remind myself that people show you who and how they are, believe them. Their actions speak louder then their words.
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Guy friend - oh yeah - lose his number....
I wish I had a great answer for the rest Nata but in truth I deal with this IRL & it makes me scratch my head a lot.
I think I became strong & confident out of a need for survival within my FOO & over time that translated to others as me always having my crap together & never needing the help. Ha! It affected the way people perceived me & consequently judged me (which is driven from their internal discomfort, not me at all). I have lost track of the number of people that have told me how intimidated that they are around me & how they labelled me as a @itch only to get to know me & be surprised that I'm not like that in ANY way....... including my very closest friends. (that hurt, I won't lie)
I will say that in recovery I had to get used to asking for help AND doing it kindly...... in the beginning it was like acid burning my mouth just trying to form the words to ask for help.... or when I did muster the courage, it would come out demanding & subject to interpretation by the person receiving it. I wasn't always even clear about what I needed - still leaving some details up for interpretation or passive-aggressively waiting for them to respond "correctly" to what I wasn't exactly asking....... OR I'd go so far overboard covering all of the bases that the NEED for help got kind of lost in translation. Colossal miscommunications & unmet expectations.
I do know that in my experience, my sister & I were labeled very, very early in life (Me: Strong, Her: Victim) and even if it didn't fit, we developed into those people anyway. My father verbalized it - telling me I was strong like an oak & my sister was weaker, like a willow tree than bent in every little wind. For years I even heard Sis talk about having a willow tree tattooed on her torso so that it would consume almost one whole side of her body & I was flabbergasted.... when I asked why in the world she would CHOOSE to continue to identify with this label I could tell she had never even thought of it that way. (I know that this imagery can actually be a very positive message (willows bend without breaking, incredible flexibility) - but that wasn't how it was used here, it was used as an example of how she would follow any/every path/would bend/is weak.)
My mother STILL treats us this way, often meeting my sister's needs before she even has them & turning a blind eye to the most obvious of mine. When RAH was at the height of his insanity I really expected that my mother, having lived with active addiction & having been through all of this in her own life, would be a source of wisdom & comfort for me. Wow, was that SO far off base! Instead she literally ignored every single thing happening in my life & carried on as if nothing was out of place.... to the point where I really thought she was choosing him over me. (In reality my recovery threatened her & made her feel judged for having handled things so differently when she had been in my shoes.... "oh, you think you're SO smart.")
What is even more perplexing is how she transferred our labels to our daughters.... so my 17-yr old niece is treated like a total victim/needy kid and my 12-yr treated like the confident older child. I will say that this is improving very slightly since mom started back to her own therapy but it's going to take a lot to reverse all those years of dysfunction.
All I can do on my side is be consistent & clear with my needs & show a pattern of changed behavior in how I go about it.... it takes a lot of repetitive actions because people keep defaulting back to their outdated impressions of who I am - that's them, their lack of awareness, their inability to dance to the new steps. If they just don't get or don't WANT to get it because they are taking my recovery personally, then I need to adjust around it & stop trying to force something that isn't changing.
I wish I had a great answer for the rest Nata but in truth I deal with this IRL & it makes me scratch my head a lot.
I think I became strong & confident out of a need for survival within my FOO & over time that translated to others as me always having my crap together & never needing the help. Ha! It affected the way people perceived me & consequently judged me (which is driven from their internal discomfort, not me at all). I have lost track of the number of people that have told me how intimidated that they are around me & how they labelled me as a @itch only to get to know me & be surprised that I'm not like that in ANY way....... including my very closest friends. (that hurt, I won't lie)
I will say that in recovery I had to get used to asking for help AND doing it kindly...... in the beginning it was like acid burning my mouth just trying to form the words to ask for help.... or when I did muster the courage, it would come out demanding & subject to interpretation by the person receiving it. I wasn't always even clear about what I needed - still leaving some details up for interpretation or passive-aggressively waiting for them to respond "correctly" to what I wasn't exactly asking....... OR I'd go so far overboard covering all of the bases that the NEED for help got kind of lost in translation. Colossal miscommunications & unmet expectations.
I do know that in my experience, my sister & I were labeled very, very early in life (Me: Strong, Her: Victim) and even if it didn't fit, we developed into those people anyway. My father verbalized it - telling me I was strong like an oak & my sister was weaker, like a willow tree than bent in every little wind. For years I even heard Sis talk about having a willow tree tattooed on her torso so that it would consume almost one whole side of her body & I was flabbergasted.... when I asked why in the world she would CHOOSE to continue to identify with this label I could tell she had never even thought of it that way. (I know that this imagery can actually be a very positive message (willows bend without breaking, incredible flexibility) - but that wasn't how it was used here, it was used as an example of how she would follow any/every path/would bend/is weak.)
My mother STILL treats us this way, often meeting my sister's needs before she even has them & turning a blind eye to the most obvious of mine. When RAH was at the height of his insanity I really expected that my mother, having lived with active addiction & having been through all of this in her own life, would be a source of wisdom & comfort for me. Wow, was that SO far off base! Instead she literally ignored every single thing happening in my life & carried on as if nothing was out of place.... to the point where I really thought she was choosing him over me. (In reality my recovery threatened her & made her feel judged for having handled things so differently when she had been in my shoes.... "oh, you think you're SO smart.")
What is even more perplexing is how she transferred our labels to our daughters.... so my 17-yr old niece is treated like a total victim/needy kid and my 12-yr treated like the confident older child. I will say that this is improving very slightly since mom started back to her own therapy but it's going to take a lot to reverse all those years of dysfunction.
All I can do on my side is be consistent & clear with my needs & show a pattern of changed behavior in how I go about it.... it takes a lot of repetitive actions because people keep defaulting back to their outdated impressions of who I am - that's them, their lack of awareness, their inability to dance to the new steps. If they just don't get or don't WANT to get it because they are taking my recovery personally, then I need to adjust around it & stop trying to force something that isn't changing.
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Nata....same thing for me....I was considered to be the strong survivor type by my family, growing up. so, I could never go to them for help..
I had to learn how to reach our for help, when I needed it...and, it was a hard thing to learn to do. (even though others had no problem asking me for help).
the best advice that I can give you is this--you are asking the wrong people.
I get it..I really do..that you feel that you "should" be able to ask your husband and the father of your child...and your mother....
But, these people don't have what it takes....You already have known that for a long time. You just have to recognize who they really are...and accept that....and don't disappoint yourself by having more lofty expectations of them.
I think you are beginning to get a glimpse of that...and, I think you may have so me grieving to do along that line. "Seldom are the curtains of reality pulled back without some pain".....
I know that you life is hard and m ore complicated because you have a special needs child. I believe that the organizations that support those I n your position and special support groups and communities need to be sought out.
You will need the fellowship of those who are more developed---in generosity and give and take than those you have been acoustomed to.
I think that you have come a long way since you had your surgery......
I had to learn how to reach our for help, when I needed it...and, it was a hard thing to learn to do. (even though others had no problem asking me for help).
the best advice that I can give you is this--you are asking the wrong people.
I get it..I really do..that you feel that you "should" be able to ask your husband and the father of your child...and your mother....
But, these people don't have what it takes....You already have known that for a long time. You just have to recognize who they really are...and accept that....and don't disappoint yourself by having more lofty expectations of them.
I think you are beginning to get a glimpse of that...and, I think you may have so me grieving to do along that line. "Seldom are the curtains of reality pulled back without some pain".....
I know that you life is hard and m ore complicated because you have a special needs child. I believe that the organizations that support those I n your position and special support groups and communities need to be sought out.
You will need the fellowship of those who are more developed---in generosity and give and take than those you have been acoustomed to.
I think that you have come a long way since you had your surgery......
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This thread, altho short, has some good thoughts on this topic:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...are-store.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...are-store.html
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Ah, Yes!! Bread at the hardware store!! I forgot about that......lol.....
I feel like this thread is starting to tie to the scapegoat one quite nicely
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Location: California
Posts: 931
Getting back to your original question, yes, I am constantly shocked how many people live their lives never having acquired the most basic living skills and common courtesy. You would think by the age of 25 most people would have figured out that if you say you are going to do something that will have an effect on others, you should try and do it. I no longer have any tolerance for people who, either personally or professionally, waste my time and energy through their flakiness. We had trouble with my sister-in-law setting up dates to see our kids. She would show up 2 hours late or constantly cancel at the last minute and want to reschedule. Now we just invite her to things we are doing anyways and if she shows up, great, if not - no biggie. And the funny thing is that in her mind she has "been there for us" and given generously of herself, when if fact she babysits our kids once a year and effectively gets paid for it in a barter of services. And she lives 7 miles away. 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 137
Hi Nata, I don't think your expectations are too high or unreasonable.
1) XAH being a flake l - addict, it's impossible to rely on them.
2) Nanny - you employed her, she should be grateful! If she wants to change her life (get better job or more hours) she should either find family that offers more hours or perhaps work two jobs. It's NOT your responsibility to make her happy in this way. It's kind of you but not your responsibility. I started to be allergic for this kind of people who feel entitled for more constantly. I realized I was enabling few people this way too and I just cut them off. It's not easy for me but I want responsible and direct people in my life. Not those who tend to always get more from you.
3) My guy-friend - did you confront him? You know there are people you can rely on. If he wanted to cancel he could write you, not just rely on the fact that you will be there for him if he decides to see you next time.
4) My mom - you offered to pay expenses of your mum to take care of her grandchild. If she doesn't want to, I would not push her.
I am constantly told that my expectations are too high and my coping skills are superior to others so I don't understand how hard it is for others.
- sorry but it seems others make it harder for you. You are single mum with great job yet you are willing to pay for babysitting to see your friend. You are willing to pay your mum. It seems some people take advantage of you being strong and independent.
I am like you. My therapist told me to look at my childhood and write about it. Then try to find correlation between my relationship with parents and addicted ex and some friends. OMG. WAKE UP CALL. It's incredibly painful and I experience loss but I believe that if I didn't do that and worked on that I would always attract similar people / parasites (unfortunately).
You see, if I didn't do it I could happily pretend all is good. Once you dig deep you open your eyes and see clearly what is the truth. It's painful but also liberating to be who I really am.
You seem incredibly strong and you child is lucky to have you.
. Take care
1) XAH being a flake l - addict, it's impossible to rely on them.
2) Nanny - you employed her, she should be grateful! If she wants to change her life (get better job or more hours) she should either find family that offers more hours or perhaps work two jobs. It's NOT your responsibility to make her happy in this way. It's kind of you but not your responsibility. I started to be allergic for this kind of people who feel entitled for more constantly. I realized I was enabling few people this way too and I just cut them off. It's not easy for me but I want responsible and direct people in my life. Not those who tend to always get more from you.
3) My guy-friend - did you confront him? You know there are people you can rely on. If he wanted to cancel he could write you, not just rely on the fact that you will be there for him if he decides to see you next time.
4) My mom - you offered to pay expenses of your mum to take care of her grandchild. If she doesn't want to, I would not push her.
I am constantly told that my expectations are too high and my coping skills are superior to others so I don't understand how hard it is for others.
- sorry but it seems others make it harder for you. You are single mum with great job yet you are willing to pay for babysitting to see your friend. You are willing to pay your mum. It seems some people take advantage of you being strong and independent.
I am like you. My therapist told me to look at my childhood and write about it. Then try to find correlation between my relationship with parents and addicted ex and some friends. OMG. WAKE UP CALL. It's incredibly painful and I experience loss but I believe that if I didn't do that and worked on that I would always attract similar people / parasites (unfortunately).
You see, if I didn't do it I could happily pretend all is good. Once you dig deep you open your eyes and see clearly what is the truth. It's painful but also liberating to be who I really am.
You seem incredibly strong and you child is lucky to have you.
. Take care
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