Moving on
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 10
Moving on
My husband of 20 years has had on and off addictions since he was a teen. He stopped drinking about 4 years ago and it was normal and nice to be with him. Then about 2 years ago he started drinking and it got bad quick. He was verbally abusive, manipulative, physically intimidating, and just plain mean. He refused to do anything to help at home (hasn't worked in many years) because I didn't want to be intimate with him, and because I wouldn't be nice about his drinking.
I pushed him to counseling, a psychiatrist, and he got meds but kept drinking. I kept hoping things would be fixed. Well, his behavior and drinking didn't change and in August I filed for divorce and moved out. I felt pushed into it by him. Even after moving, I still hoped for him to "get it" and make changes. Instead, he continued drinking, started stalking me, threatened me repeatedly, and called me names many times. Then he would be sweet, flirt, and ask me to come back - and be surprised and angry when I didn't.
I just found out that the divorce is final and I have had a huge wave of emotions about it. A whole new feeling of fear, anxiety, anger and sadness all wrapped up in one. I hate him for pushing me to divorce. I hate him for not getting sober to keep our marriage together. Unfortunately I also love him and don't know what I'm going to do without him.
I know logically that our relationship isn't healthy but it's all I know and I'm so scared. Has anyone been through something similar and made it out happily on the other side?
I pushed him to counseling, a psychiatrist, and he got meds but kept drinking. I kept hoping things would be fixed. Well, his behavior and drinking didn't change and in August I filed for divorce and moved out. I felt pushed into it by him. Even after moving, I still hoped for him to "get it" and make changes. Instead, he continued drinking, started stalking me, threatened me repeatedly, and called me names many times. Then he would be sweet, flirt, and ask me to come back - and be surprised and angry when I didn't.
I just found out that the divorce is final and I have had a huge wave of emotions about it. A whole new feeling of fear, anxiety, anger and sadness all wrapped up in one. I hate him for pushing me to divorce. I hate him for not getting sober to keep our marriage together. Unfortunately I also love him and don't know what I'm going to do without him.
I know logically that our relationship isn't healthy but it's all I know and I'm so scared. Has anyone been through something similar and made it out happily on the other side?
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,982
Welcome to Soberrecovery Tinyhouse. I'm glad you found us.
Sounds like you have been through the wringer and then some. For most of us it does get better but we all have had to work on ourselves. Also it takes a lot longer than anyone wants to get over the pain and grief of what alcoholism did to our relationships.
Big hug and I hope you find lots of help here!
Sounds like you have been through the wringer and then some. For most of us it does get better but we all have had to work on ourselves. Also it takes a lot longer than anyone wants to get over the pain and grief of what alcoholism did to our relationships.
Big hug and I hope you find lots of help here!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome to SR, tinyhouse! I'm glad you found us, and glad that you've found your path forward, too. I've found so much inspiration, education and support here at SR--I can't imagine how I would have made it otherwise.
A really good place to start here is to read around the forum as much as you can. You'll see posts from people at all points in their recovery journeys and I'm sure some of them will resonate w/you. Make sure to read the "stickies" at the top of the page, too--there is a lot of concentrated wisdom there.
I'll link you to some threads that I think you might find useful right now:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-10-years.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hort-time.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-stories.html
Some general info that's useful for newbies:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...newcomers.html
Again, welcome to SR--glad you found us, and I hope to hear more from you in the days to come, tinyhouse.
A really good place to start here is to read around the forum as much as you can. You'll see posts from people at all points in their recovery journeys and I'm sure some of them will resonate w/you. Make sure to read the "stickies" at the top of the page, too--there is a lot of concentrated wisdom there.
I'll link you to some threads that I think you might find useful right now:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-10-years.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hort-time.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-stories.html
Some general info that's useful for newbies:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...newcomers.html
Again, welcome to SR--glad you found us, and I hope to hear more from you in the days to come, tinyhouse.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 10
I have gone to a couple of alanon meetings but they weren't a fit at the time. It might be different now so I will try again in the next couple of weeks.
I have been going to a divorce support group at a local church and that has been fantastic.
Every time I feel ok that I made the right decision, I doubt it again.
Sometimes it's internal, usual doubt.
Sometimes it comes from my XAH - yesterday he said how I treated him badly anytime I knew he was drinking and that is what caused him to snap and yell, call names, intimidate me.
Sometimes it comes from an external source - this morning my "uplifting quote" on Instagram started with "check yourself - sometimes you are the toxic person, sometimes you are the mean, negative person you are trying to push away, sometimes the problem is you..."
The combination of my husbands comments and the quote, plus my divorce just getting finalized is really more than I can take. I have immense worry that it all really is my fault and it's so hard.
Thank you to everyone who replied, it means a lot to me.
I have been going to a divorce support group at a local church and that has been fantastic.
Every time I feel ok that I made the right decision, I doubt it again.
Sometimes it's internal, usual doubt.
Sometimes it comes from my XAH - yesterday he said how I treated him badly anytime I knew he was drinking and that is what caused him to snap and yell, call names, intimidate me.
Sometimes it comes from an external source - this morning my "uplifting quote" on Instagram started with "check yourself - sometimes you are the toxic person, sometimes you are the mean, negative person you are trying to push away, sometimes the problem is you..."
The combination of my husbands comments and the quote, plus my divorce just getting finalized is really more than I can take. I have immense worry that it all really is my fault and it's so hard.
Thank you to everyone who replied, it means a lot to me.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
tinyhouse, if you were really powerful enough to cause him to drink and behave badly, wouldn't you also be powerful enough to get him to stop drinking and treat you well? An Alanon saying that you may or may not have heard at a meeting is "the 3 C's--we didn't Cause it, we can't Control it, and we can't Cure it."
I understand your worry, your fear that "maybe it IS me", but I feel really confident in assuring you that it's NOT all your fault. You are part of the problem in the sense that you stayed in and contributed to an unhealthy situation, but but NOT in the sense that you CAUSED that unhealthy situation all by yourself.
Again, I'm going to urge you to read as much as you can in this forum. You'll see, again and again, where people's A's say the same things as your AH, blaming others, avoiding responsibility for their own actions--it's part of the disease of alcoholism. In my time here at SR, it seems that the members who take a wide view, reading, posting and thanking in other threads, rather than keeping a narrow focus on their own problems, are the ones who benefit the most.
Trying Alanon again might be a good idea, too, since your perspective has perhaps changed since then. With regards to Alanon, I found it useful to read the literature in addition to attending meetings, and Amazon has tons of various used Alanon books for very reasonable prices. It can also help to try different meetings--the flavor can be very different based on the format of the meeting, the size, the demographics, and simply b/c of the individual people at each meeting. Giving it some time can be helpful, too--I know I needed to make myself go for a while until I started to get it.
I understand your worry, your fear that "maybe it IS me", but I feel really confident in assuring you that it's NOT all your fault. You are part of the problem in the sense that you stayed in and contributed to an unhealthy situation, but but NOT in the sense that you CAUSED that unhealthy situation all by yourself.
Again, I'm going to urge you to read as much as you can in this forum. You'll see, again and again, where people's A's say the same things as your AH, blaming others, avoiding responsibility for their own actions--it's part of the disease of alcoholism. In my time here at SR, it seems that the members who take a wide view, reading, posting and thanking in other threads, rather than keeping a narrow focus on their own problems, are the ones who benefit the most.
Trying Alanon again might be a good idea, too, since your perspective has perhaps changed since then. With regards to Alanon, I found it useful to read the literature in addition to attending meetings, and Amazon has tons of various used Alanon books for very reasonable prices. It can also help to try different meetings--the flavor can be very different based on the format of the meeting, the size, the demographics, and simply b/c of the individual people at each meeting. Giving it some time can be helpful, too--I know I needed to make myself go for a while until I started to get it.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
If you are willng to give Al-Anon another try, tinyhouse, definitely check out different meetings. They all have their own flavor. A common recommendation to newcomers is to attend meetings for several weeks., and to try different meetings. Side note: I didn't understand what people were talking about when I first entered the Al-Anon rooms. I likened it to everyone speaking in Swahili. But I loved the peace of the meeting and the feeling that everyone respected and was respected in turn. Over time, I learned a lot of things that I used to navigate all of the situations then in my life. Yeah, I'm a fan. Also, I find journaling very helpful. I. Find clarity when I write. That, and swimming. Peace.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Originally Posted by Tinyhouse 
Sometimes it comes from an external source - this morning my "uplifting quote" on Instagram started with "check yourself - sometimes you are the toxic person, sometimes you are the mean, negative person you are trying to push away, sometimes the problem is you..."
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 10
Thanks again for the comments. I've been pouring over the board since last night and have found some very helpful posts here and on the board for families of addicts. In a couple of weeks, I will be heading back to the better of the al anon meetings that I attended before. Hopefully between the boards, divorce support, alanon, and my counselor I'll come to peace with my decision at some point.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
I didn't have your courage, Tinyhouse. I waited until my AH died.
I didn't know what I'd do without him either. After having someone for 25 years it was intimidating to have to handle everything on my own. If I can do it, so can you.
I didn't know what I'd do without him either. After having someone for 25 years it was intimidating to have to handle everything on my own. If I can do it, so can you.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It’s never easy ending a relationship and our emotions of grief will be all over the place. We can go from angry to sad and lonely in seconds.
I think its good you found SR and are willing to head back into the rooms of Al-anon. Counseling is great as well but one of the best tools I have found that works great is NO CONTACT with the person who’s hurt you the most.
We can’t morn our loss if we are still dancing with the corps.
I think its good you found SR and are willing to head back into the rooms of Al-anon. Counseling is great as well but one of the best tools I have found that works great is NO CONTACT with the person who’s hurt you the most.
We can’t morn our loss if we are still dancing with the corps.
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Illinois
Posts: 147
Be strong. I wish I had the strength to divorce my wife when we were separated. Instead I took her back and to be honest I'm miserable. I thought her being sober would heal us. Just the enabler in me but now I am enabling the relationship instead of her drinking.
Realize you have a right to be happy. Don't feel like he pushed you to do anything. You stood up for your right to be happy because him being in your life was not making you happy.
I stayed in a relationship primarily out of fear for being single and dealing with it all on my own. I cloaked it with phrases like "I did it for the kids" "With her being sober it will get better" "Sober she is the woman I married".
I applaud those with the strength to take the hard steps and do something for themselves. Too many of us exist in limbo hoping one day we get to be happy again.
Realize you have a right to be happy. Don't feel like he pushed you to do anything. You stood up for your right to be happy because him being in your life was not making you happy.
I stayed in a relationship primarily out of fear for being single and dealing with it all on my own. I cloaked it with phrases like "I did it for the kids" "With her being sober it will get better" "Sober she is the woman I married".
I applaud those with the strength to take the hard steps and do something for themselves. Too many of us exist in limbo hoping one day we get to be happy again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by velma929
I didn't have your courage, Tinyhouse. I waited until my AH died.
I didn't know what I'd do without him either. After having someone for 25 years it was intimidating to have to handle everything on my own. If I can do it, so can you.
I didn't know what I'd do without him either. After having someone for 25 years it was intimidating to have to handle everything on my own. If I can do it, so can you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by atalose
It’s never easy ending a relationship and our emotions of grief will be all over the place. We can go from angry to sad and lonely in seconds.
I think its good you found SR and are willing to head back into the rooms of Al-anon. Counseling is great as well but one of the best tools I have found that works great is NO CONTACT with the person who’s hurt you the most.
We can’t morn our loss if we are still dancing with the corps.
I think its good you found SR and are willing to head back into the rooms of Al-anon. Counseling is great as well but one of the best tools I have found that works great is NO CONTACT with the person who’s hurt you the most.
We can’t morn our loss if we are still dancing with the corps.
Maybe tomorrow I'll learn
thanks for your reply
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by Zak68
Be strong. I wish I had the strength to divorce my wife when we were separated. Instead I took her back and to be honest I'm miserable. I thought her being sober would heal us. Just the enabler in me but now I am enabling the relationship instead of her drinking.
Realize you have a right to be happy. Don't feel like he pushed you to do anything. You stood up for your right to be happy because him being in your life was not making you happy.
I stayed in a relationship primarily out of fear for being single and dealing with it all on my own. I cloaked it with phrases like "I did it for the kids" "With her being sober it will get better" "Sober she is the woman I married".
I applaud those with the strength to take the hard steps and do something for themselves. Too many of us exist in limbo hoping one day we get to be happy again.
Realize you have a right to be happy. Don't feel like he pushed you to do anything. You stood up for your right to be happy because him being in your life was not making you happy.
I stayed in a relationship primarily out of fear for being single and dealing with it all on my own. I cloaked it with phrases like "I did it for the kids" "With her being sober it will get better" "Sober she is the woman I married".
I applaud those with the strength to take the hard steps and do something for themselves. Too many of us exist in limbo hoping one day we get to be happy again.
I know leaving was the best logical choice, and I know I'm so very fortunate that I'm in a position to make leaving easy, but it's still the hardest thing I've ever done.
I hope you can find the strength to make, and be comfortable with, whatever the best choice is for you and your kids. Hang in there
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I know that having space will be good for both of us, because I'm not doing either of us any favors, but I just keep clinging to him.
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