Nata1980

So XAH proceeded to break down in front of me about how much he misses DS. Funny thing was he was supposed to spend an evening with DS while I was going out with a friend - but he had to "leave early because he had to work", hence I had to cancel plans with my friend.

He was crying his eyes out (DS was in another room thank goodness) I just said "I understand, it will be ok) and patted his shoulder.

I really cannot handle all this drama - how do I handle going forward? I want to think he was really upset and was genuine...do I comfort him? Ignore? Request he gets himself together?

Very unsettling to see a man I used to love cry....ugh

dandylion

Nata.....I really couldn't say how you ought to handle a specific interaction.
I can certainly identify at how hard it is to see someone feeling pain.
It really is hard...
thing is, you hands are tied as to removing that pain from him. It is one of those things that we don't have power over (refer to the serenityPrayer, on this).

It is said that the alcoholic has to feel the pain of the consequences before they are motivated to make a change.

Personally, I don't think it matters, much how you choose to handle that kind of interaction. Nothing you do or say is going to bring him to reach for sobriety...it is all about what is inside of him.

As much as you feel empathy...I caution you to beware of getting sucked back in. Stay away from that line of dangerous thinking.
It is because of him that he is not with his son more......

PuzzledHeart

I think I've just become way too cynical.

I read what you wrote and I thought, "He's crying so you don't get angry at him for changing plans at the last minute."

Nata1980

I thought that too. Or "if I cry it means I care and I am hurt even if I am standing my son up tonight"

Mountainmanbob

I would expect that he was genuine.

Comfort him ?
Yes but, now there is an invisible line that should not be crossed.
If there is no chance to get back together
it's not nice to get his hopes up.

M-Bob

mylifeismine

I think you handled it well!

Medium Chill ? Out of the FOG

Nata1980

I doubt there is an intention on his part to get back together - just last weekend he was pontificating about how I am not fit to be in a relationship and how I was treating him badly. I responded, ok sure to that one....

Cyranoak

It was genuine, but not as might be thought. He was crying, IMHO, because somewhere deep inside he knows he's the problem, but does not yet have whatever it takes to fully submit to the idea that he cannot control his drinking and he is an alcoholic. I believe he does want to see his daughter but can't because he is controlled by his addiction. Until he believes that at his very core this will not change and, even then, some alcoholics still can't change and drink until they die.

My two cents.

Nata1980

He is sober though - at least according to drug/alcohol tests. He gets supervised only visits along with drug/alcohol testing as an additional precaution.

I do think he is crying because he knows he screwed it up hence he no longer lives in a nice clean house with us and lives with his brother instead with no privacy/his own space. Crying only occurs when he is in my and DSs house....I may move all visits to grandmas after all....

honeypig

Nata, XAH has cried about some things since we've split up too, and I don't think there is anything manipulative about those instances. When we were still married, I did feel that his crying was more often than not an attempt to gain my sympathy or distract me from the real issue, but this seems different.

Last spring, I mentioned to him that I'd begun to hear the frogs in the ponds near the house--he always liked the frog noises a lot. He just lost it, crying hard, and eventually saying "I can always hear the frogs in my mind, any time I want to, but I'm crying b/c I don't get to hear them w/you this year." This was a telephone conversation, so I just waited till he settled a bit, then said "I miss hearing them w/you, too" and ended the call soon after. It was never mentioned again.

There have been a handful of other situations where he has cried in what I believe is honest sorrow. I feel compassion for him; as dandy said, it's hard to watch someone else's pain. In his case, I think he swings between "I don't have a problem" and "I do have a problem but there is no help, I've tried everything and nothing works." Either way, there is nothing I can do for him--I feel my feelings about the situation, but there is no action I'm going to take, or can take, in good conscience.

Nata1980

Oh honeypig - your frog story made me cry. How do you prevent yourself from crying when he gets like that?

honeypig

I can't always prevent myself from crying, Nata--I was glad the frog conversation was over the phone, b/c I certainly had tears in my eyes. We met for coffee a week or so ago and I got choked up w/memories on a certain topic we talked about. Sometimes I just can't help it--we spent 20+ years together, went thru a lot, did a lot together. It wasn't all bad, just bad enough that I didn't want to continue under those conditions.

The important thing that I've learned is that whatever I feel is whatever I feel, and there is no possible way for those feelings to be "wrong." What CAN be "wrong", however, is the action I take based on those feelings. For me to get involved again w/an active A would be disastrous to the progress I've made so far, and so that limit is in place and rock solid. But my emotions can certainly be all over the place...

Refiner

Well at first I was going to just jump on the IT'S ALL MANIPULATION bandwagon. But if you really don't think it is, which it sounds like, then the process of him getting better may be going on. It's a painful, gut-wrenching uncomfortable process that he realizes how much hurt he has cause others... that he is causing HIMSELF. Perhaps it's is what it feels like to be scraping the bottom of the barrel. So in other words, you're doing good. You can't "help" and "cushion him" and "make him feel better" because this is HIS process in getting better. One he must face himself and go through himself and make future better decisions for himself (and then others). The metaphor is true that one must truly put their oxygen mask on first and help themselves before they can "help" others.

Nata1980

Yes - I think that's it. It only happens in my house, too. He is still being selfish and not truly there for his child - maybe it will come to him. It would be nice to have a reliable co-parent as I am providing all the financial support for DS, and could
use help once in a while when I have to work late etc.

But as of this moment - he manages to use the "help" he may be providing in the future as some sort of leverage. I.e I decided not to count on his help at all during the summer - for a second there I had a fantasy that he will continue to pass his drug/alcohol tests and and will become a reliable father figure by next summer. It is easier to just count on myself.

And in the event he evolves into responsible reliable co-parent - sure he can spend more time with DS. If not - so be it. It is bizarre to me that he does not see the simplicity of the solution. Just show up when you say you would.

NYCDoglvr

I used this as a mantra to keep my thinking straight: fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
It's a person's actions that matter, not his/her words.

Nata1980

Yes, we are complete opposite in this regard - he is all words and no action, I don't really say much but I deliver. I don't walk around talking about being there for people - but I am certainly there