Expanding

I don't know if this means I'm not ready or perhaps there was no chemistry, but I agreed to go out to lunch with someone. Figured it was just to get to know them a little better so I didn't feel any kind of pressure. He's a lot different from the ex. Motivated, has a license AND a car lol college educated, etc.

He's a funny guy but his personality fell flat with me. I worry that I'll only be attracted to highly manipulative charmers and find other, more "stable" people dull. He's very regular in his moods and very calm which I actually found unsettling.... I like excitement and personality and animation...

Anyone have experience with this?

honeypig

I'm sure you'll get a lot of input on this, expanding--it seems I've read a number of posts on similar topics.

I share your concern that you'll find yourself in a similar situation down the road. There is no timetable for recovery, but it seems to me that you might benefit from spending a little more time working on yourself rather than moving quickly into another relationship.

If I remember right, your separation from your A was quite traumatic and you struggled pretty seriously w/depression and grief. As an outside observer, I would question whether you've had a chance to really process all the emotions, learn what needs learning, and change what needs changing. All that takes time to really be absorbed, to become part of who you are. I first read the saying "time takes time" here, and it's so true.

We often talk here about how a year of sobriety/recovery is the bare minimum we should ask of an A before "trying again"--it takes at least that long for the A to start the real work of recovery.

Just like the A, we need time to start the real work of our own recovery. Stopping the drinking is the absolutely necessary first step for the A--he/she MUST put the alcohol down to start recovery, but putting the bottle down is only the START of recovery. It's the same for us--leaving a relationship w/an active A is (usually) necessary to start recovery, but it is only the start of recovery. There is a long road to travel before being anywhere near "healthy" and ready to start a new relationship.

That's my 2 cents' worth, expanding. Take it w/as many grains of salt as you like, factoring in that I'm 56 years old, feeling no need for a man at all, and am pretty happy living on my own.

Expanding

My break up was very traumatic. Just typing that sentence makes me tear up. I suppose being over him doesn't mean I'm ready to try anything new. I've started the process of looking for my own place and I'm feeling stressed out. I'm experiencing lots of mental chatter and I think talking to people may be my way of distracting myself. I'd also like to get married and have my own family but it seems so far away and that makes me nervous because I'll be racing against a clock. I'm feeling a squeeze but I don't want to rush into anything

dandylion

Expanding.....LOL...I would say that you shouldn't be too quick to find something to worry about.
It was just a l unch with someone to get to know them, right?
from where I sit, that makes him nothing more than an acquaintance, or, possibly a future friend.....
I agree with honeypig....that hankering for a serious and committed relationship would be premature at this juncture. I would seem that you still have a ways to go in your own self actualization journey...and, heavy relationships can sure run that off into a ditch.....

In addition...making a judgement about this from one exposure sounds like making a statistical study from one lone sample....

I have known tons of men who were attractive, well educated, and had nice cars..with no addiction history.....who were fun, interesting, and a pleasure to be around. I have, also, known men who fit the same criteria who were not so much fun and were not interesting.

I will tell you a story of my own, along these lines.
When I was in a dating time...as a divorced single parent....I had always dreamed that an anthropologist would be the most "exciting" person to date.
Well, one time, I did meet one....and, he was beautiful, to boot---crystal blue eyes..thick, prematurely greying hair...could have been a GQ model. International traveler, financially solvent, by all appearances....
He asked me out on a date.
I can tell you that the date was a disappointment of gargantuan proportions.
He was such a bragger and so controlling. I was so shocked. We were in a very nice, up-scale restaurant, which he seemed to require me to praise him for...and, he proceeded to select my dinner and give the order to the waiter without even consulting me about what I would want. I ended up telling the waiter to cancel the order and proceeded to call a cab to take me home.
The moral of this story is..you never can tell! Just because they look like a good catch, on paper, (or in dandylion's mind)....doesn't, necessarily mean a thing....

dandylion

Expanding...have you thought of freezing your eggs? Lots of women, who hear that clock ticking, are opting to do that, these days.....

Mountainmanbob

Well, watch what you pray for.
My wife prayed for a man a little rough around the edges and got me !
MB

August252015

Sounds like it should be filed away as just lunch And from what others have said and you've confirmed about your last relationship, I think that's just fine. Good, even.

Without going into a long story, I'll share that I am in a serious relationship now, and I am a little over 8 mo sober (250 days). He is just past 4 months. He is also my high school boyfriend. We reconnected this summer- he unexpectedly asked me to lunch out of the blue. I haven't just fallen in love with him, I love him and trust him utterly and completely. Everything is on the table and that is a whole lot, between the two of us. We realize our situation is highly unusual and among the things we discuss (which is everything) is that there are high stakes here, and our individual recovery comes first, and is what empowers us to build a strong relationship. Personally, I could not do a relationship in any other context. Now, when it was a surprise gift, or probably ever. Most people don't get a chance like we have, so we're taking it (a lot of thought, prayer, sponsor consulting etc has been done as this started and continues). Again, IMO and from my ongoing experience, the alcoholic or the codependent (or insert other word for the other party here) needs to be excruciatingly careful with whom we have future relationships.

Taking care of yourself should come first. Always, actually, and especially now. If that includes an occasional lunch with someone you might like, that's great; putting expectations on yourself or the potential "other" might be a problem waiting to happen that you don't need to put on your plate right now.

Good luck.

dandylion

^^^^^^^^^^^^LOL, Mountainman!......

Expanding

I see another pattern emerging. Looking at my past I don't think I've ever casually seen someone without it turning into something "more serious", even if I didn't like the guy. So I either shacked up quickly with someone I had intense chemistry with, or I'd be with a guy just to be with someone. I don't have to do either

Eauchiche

Hey Dandy!!!
Some folks not only want us to praise them, they want us to worship their "holy" name!!!

honeypig

Expanding, I understand this totally. I've posted in other threads about how one day I realized that in the past, my only criteria for getting involved w/someone was that he was interested in me. Seriously. I don't know that I ever weighed, considered, asked myself or him important questions...it was enough that someone was interested in me.

Growing up in the situation I did, I simply had no way to know any better, expect any better, or think that I deserved any better. I had no clue what a healthy relationship looked like and felt that I had to grab onto any scrap of attention/affection that came my way, b/c who knew when/if there'd be any more?

That has all changed, and is changing a little more every day that I'm on my own, solving my own problems, running my own life, and looking to a Higher Power that is NOT my boyfriend or husband for strength and support when things get rough.

Nope, you sure don't. You, just you, are enough. You don't need someone to "complete" you. XAH and I started out like this, each of us believing the other could fill in the missing parts in his/her life, thinking that two broken and unhealthy individuals could somehow have a happy, healthy, complete relationship. I'm here to tell you--it simply doesn't work that way, Hallmark cards and Hollywood notwithstanding.

Give yourself and your future partner the gift of making yourself strong, healthy, confident and complete within yourself. Please don't make the mistake of looking for completion in/with another person.

Maudcat

One of the nice things about getting older (I'm 64 and looking at Medicare plans) and there are a few, is that I no longer look at the men I meet as potential partners. Oh yah, and also being married to a seriously lovely man. I think, in retrospect, that I had self-esteem issues when I was younger. I used to try to captivate men, without really considering whether they were good for me or if I even liked them all that much. It was all about how they valued me, rather than how I valued me. Needless to say, I was at times in some seriously messed up relation ships. Enlightenment was a long time coming, but come it did. Peace.

August252015

You are definitely not alone here! I look at the choices I made during the worst of my drinking and it is ugly. Even my best relationship had what could only be called bad choices involved. That is why I am taking this chance, and why we work so hard to have a different relationship than either of us have ever had.

It can be hard to let go of the [negative feelings] about having lived and interacted like we did. Eventually, though, I have to understand what was going on best I can and shift that stuff into a compartment in my brain, rarely reopened and quickly shut again when thoughts pop up.

Nata1980

I am nowhere to be ready to be in a dating scene yet, but when I am dating, I will be staying away from "intense chemistry" guys. With the boring ones - you get to develop chemistry however you like, grow into it together, the "intense chemistry" guys are intense from a get-go.

I mean - lunch date is supposed to be boring by definition.

When I saw XAH - I just "knew", and despite all the red flags I felt like "I had to be with him". Did not end well.....

Praying

I met a nice guy last Saturday and talked to him for four hours over lunch. I wasn't worried about impressing him or dating him. We exchanged numbers. Sunday he texted me and I said to my friend, "why is he texting me!?!"

She laughed and said he probably was interested.

We went to dinner last night. We talked forever. He is such a KIND person, and a little dorky....and I told myself--the men in my life who I deeply respect and admire (my dad, my brother, a couple of friends) are that way too. I've tended to date guys who are the bad half of myself instead of the good half...

Through this last week I met two other guys who seem "normal" and both asked me out. I accepted to learn more about both of them. There ARE good men out there.

I think guys have some radar that picks up on when you're totally happy alone and don't need them. It makes us even more attractive. I don't know if I even want a relationship at this point, but if I explore, it's going to be with men of substance, not with someone who lights the same old exciting fires in me. Maybe I'll be the exciting one.

Not sure if this helps, but I've made a conscious decision to avoid quick chemistry and fireworks and open my eyes to the less flashy guys. The slower pace of relationship development is way more healthy.

But, I second the thoughts that you should wait a year and work through your own stuff. I'm able to see things so much more clearly now that I feel stable in my own emotions and life.

dandylion

Praying.....I think that you have touched on a point....
The sage old advice of ......."Be what you are looking for in another person"
If you are looking for kindness...be kind...
If you are looking for excitement...be exciting, yourself..
If you are looking for loyalty, be loyal....
If you are l ooking for intellectual curiosity....be intellectually curious....
etc...

Like attracts like. Healthy attracts healthy. dysfunctional attracts dysfunctional...

Hangnbyathread

Man I had a ton of MEH dates. The big difference for me was/is that the guy is expected to pay for them. That got old quick.

Just be patient and don't settle. It's worth the wait.

atalose

The devil doesn’t come dressed in a red cape and pointy horns. He comes as everything you’ve ever wished for.

It’s wise to learn how to fill that void in your life with yourself. Learning to be happy and content by yourself. Another person is supposed to enhance our lives not become it.

Un-healthy people attract un-healthy people - healthy people attract healthy people.

One of the girls I sponsor in al-anon went on her first date a few weeks ago. She told me afterwards that she didn’t feel attracted to him but liked some things about him but as she sat there throughout the date she just couldn’t picture spending the rest of her life with him.................my response was you are not ready to date!!!!