Feeling lost and confused
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Delaware
Posts: 29
Feeling lost and confused
Hi guys, I am new on here. So I am sure I do not have your abbreviations yet. Please bare with me.
I have been married for 20yrs, together 26yrs. We have 2 boys 33-17. We got married young and grew up together.
My husband is a binge drinker. Normally happens 2-3 times a month with his work crew. He will stay out until bars are closed, come home and blacks out. We started seeing a counselor together (3 sessions now) and yesterday she suggested that he sees an addiction counselor and gets on some Meds to help with the drinking. However she said she is not convinced that he is ready to stop drinking l. She also said she doesn't see our marriage working if he doesn't stop. He said no, that if I left he would spiral out of control. I really don't wanna walk away. I want him to get the help he needs and beat this.
I just don't understand how someone can destroy everything good.
I have been married for 20yrs, together 26yrs. We have 2 boys 33-17. We got married young and grew up together.
My husband is a binge drinker. Normally happens 2-3 times a month with his work crew. He will stay out until bars are closed, come home and blacks out. We started seeing a counselor together (3 sessions now) and yesterday she suggested that he sees an addiction counselor and gets on some Meds to help with the drinking. However she said she is not convinced that he is ready to stop drinking l. She also said she doesn't see our marriage working if he doesn't stop. He said no, that if I left he would spiral out of control. I really don't wanna walk away. I want him to get the help he needs and beat this.
I just don't understand how someone can destroy everything good.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi BD, welcome to the SR. It's good that you and your AH (alcoholic/addict husband) are seeing a counsellor and that she's raised the topic of his drinking.
You've told us what she's said about the damage it's doing to your marriage, but what about you? How does it affect you?
You seem to have a fundamentally loving marriage, but he's using guilt threats to protect his drinking, while admitting he has a problem. So your therapist is probably right that he's not ready to give up drinking yet. Maybe with further counselling he'll eventually get there. How do you feel about the next few years with him going down the same path, or even getting worse?
In the end, you can only control your own actions. You can seek support from SR and Al-anon, and read as much as you can about alcoholism. You can also refuse to enable his drinking in any way and let him feel the consequences.
I'm sure others will be along soon to tell you about how their experiences.
You've told us what she's said about the damage it's doing to your marriage, but what about you? How does it affect you?
You seem to have a fundamentally loving marriage, but he's using guilt threats to protect his drinking, while admitting he has a problem. So your therapist is probably right that he's not ready to give up drinking yet. Maybe with further counselling he'll eventually get there. How do you feel about the next few years with him going down the same path, or even getting worse?
In the end, you can only control your own actions. You can seek support from SR and Al-anon, and read as much as you can about alcoholism. You can also refuse to enable his drinking in any way and let him feel the consequences.
I'm sure others will be along soon to tell you about how their experiences.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
BrokenDown.....he has a disease that causes him to see everything through that filter. Of course, you don't understand it, because you don't have the same disease of the mind, body and spirit....
to us...alcohol is the problem...
To the alcoholic....alcohol is the answer.....
to us...alcohol is the problem...
To the alcoholic....alcohol is the answer.....
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 526
I am hoping for the best for you. I left my AH in May after 33 years of marriage and his counselor also said he wasn't ready to quit drinking really. He said he would quit but he wouldn't throw the alcohol away or go to AA and there had just been too much damage this year. so sad - because there were many good times and he had good qualities. After a hurtful incident- to put it mildly-I wanted my STBXAH to see an addiction counselor- and he waffled on it for 19 days- until I moved into the guest bedroom and refused intimacy. then he agreed to go but wouldn't let me come along- he wouldn't go to aa or throw the booze away. he was giving me a little crumb and hoping I would come back and he could just keep drinking and keep me too. now family and friends tell me he is no longer drinking but i think - if i know him- he is probably drinking in secret - and telling himself he isn't hurting anybody but himself. he would become verbally abusive - but not all the time- his health was affected- he would become morose and unkind and admitted to me he resented how happy i was all the time- while he was miserable- but he just couldn't see the alcohol was making him miserable. He is so in denial he has sent me a couple of letters offering to forgive me for leaving!!!! I think he may really believe he has done nothing that should distress me so much- so what if he gets drunk, becomes loud and obnoxious- so what if he refused to get me medical help when i needed it- who is perfect?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,968
Welcome Broken Down. I'm glad you found SR. Many folks here have been in a similar situation to yours.
Unfortunately you can do little to nothing about your husband's drinking; however, you can do life-changing things for yourself. Many here have found Alanon helpful. Also most of us have read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.
Start taking teeny steps to understand the situation and find support for yourself. Posting here is a wonderful step.
Let us know how it goes.
Unfortunately you can do little to nothing about your husband's drinking; however, you can do life-changing things for yourself. Many here have found Alanon helpful. Also most of us have read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.
Start taking teeny steps to understand the situation and find support for yourself. Posting here is a wonderful step.
Let us know how it goes.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Delaware
Posts: 29
Thank you all for your kind words and help. I am really hoping that my H sees what he can lose and can get the help he needs. I have been stressing since last nights MC that I am going to lose him. This addiction is so hard on everyone! I'm exhausted, stressed and my anxiety is at an all time high.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Hi BD1975,
Many of us here have been in similar situations. All you can do is help yourself. Since you say you're suffering from anxiety, have you taken any steps (exercise, fresh air, meditation) to try to calm your mind and heart? I learned to meditate while coming to terms with my STBXAH's addiction, and it really helped me distance myself from his craziness. It also defused his craziness because when he got loud and abusive, I was able to focus on my breathing and mentally evade his anger.
Our counselor said the same thing as yours: so long as he's in active addiction, there is no working on the marriage. It's been almost a year since I left him, and so far as I know, he's still an active addict.
Keep reading and posting; it helps.
Many of us here have been in similar situations. All you can do is help yourself. Since you say you're suffering from anxiety, have you taken any steps (exercise, fresh air, meditation) to try to calm your mind and heart? I learned to meditate while coming to terms with my STBXAH's addiction, and it really helped me distance myself from his craziness. It also defused his craziness because when he got loud and abusive, I was able to focus on my breathing and mentally evade his anger.
Our counselor said the same thing as yours: so long as he's in active addiction, there is no working on the marriage. It's been almost a year since I left him, and so far as I know, he's still an active addict.
Keep reading and posting; it helps.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Delaware
Posts: 29
Saurerkraut- I have started doing yoga and I walk everyday. This does help me during that time. I will have to try to meditate as well.
Something positive did happen yesterday. AH scheduled his doctor appointment with our doctor and he also scheduled his first appointment with the addiction counselor. I know that this is a very small step but for some reason I felt relieved.
From everything that I am reading this is gonna be a long road.
I did talk to my oldest son, I advised him what our MC said and he said mom you do what you need to do cause what dad is doing to you isn't cool. I really did raise some awesome boys.
BeakindAlways- I will have to look for this book, sounds like something I really need to read.
Something positive did happen yesterday. AH scheduled his doctor appointment with our doctor and he also scheduled his first appointment with the addiction counselor. I know that this is a very small step but for some reason I felt relieved.
From everything that I am reading this is gonna be a long road.
I did talk to my oldest son, I advised him what our MC said and he said mom you do what you need to do cause what dad is doing to you isn't cool. I really did raise some awesome boys.
BeakindAlways- I will have to look for this book, sounds like something I really need to read.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
BrokenDown....that says something that the kids can see it.
It occurs, to me, that your husband is placing a lot of responsibility on you....by saying that if you were to leave, that he would spiral out of control.......
Be careful that you don't fall into the trap of feeling responsible for him.
He is, ultimately, responsible for drinking or not.....
When you read "Co-Dependent No More"....this point will be covered......
It occurs, to me, that your husband is placing a lot of responsibility on you....by saying that if you were to leave, that he would spiral out of control.......
Be careful that you don't fall into the trap of feeling responsible for him.
He is, ultimately, responsible for drinking or not.....
When you read "Co-Dependent No More"....this point will be covered......
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Bd,
Welcome and I am sorry you are here. I am another long timer, 26 years married, 34 years together. This Saturday, it will be 2 years since our divorce. It is nothing that I am proud of, but I could not live any longer with an active addict, 34 years was long enough. The lies, the cheating, the verbal abuse, the selfishness and much much more.
I to had a child who told me "dad is never going to make you happy". I knew but I gave every effort, praying that I would be the one spouse that the miracle of sobriety would happen to my husband. Nope, his addiction was much stronger then me and him. What I had to realize was he didn't have a problem with his drinking, I did. So it was not his problem to fix, it was mine.
Sitting there waiting for this man that I loved to fix "my" problem, was just not going to happen. Alcohlism is progressive, and as you see over the years , it gets worse, and it will continue to get worse then it is now, if you can believe it.
But as you can see from the pattern of the above posters, what r u doing for you? Are u attending any alanon or open aa meetings? I would highly recommend hitting a therapist alone, as marriage therapy is truly a waste of time, when u r dealing with addiction. I would read all over sober recovery, and truly educate yourself about what you are up against. Education is power. It will be the battle of your life time. Stick around my friend, there is a lot of support here, and we do understand. Sending hugs to you!!!
Welcome and I am sorry you are here. I am another long timer, 26 years married, 34 years together. This Saturday, it will be 2 years since our divorce. It is nothing that I am proud of, but I could not live any longer with an active addict, 34 years was long enough. The lies, the cheating, the verbal abuse, the selfishness and much much more.
I to had a child who told me "dad is never going to make you happy". I knew but I gave every effort, praying that I would be the one spouse that the miracle of sobriety would happen to my husband. Nope, his addiction was much stronger then me and him. What I had to realize was he didn't have a problem with his drinking, I did. So it was not his problem to fix, it was mine.
Sitting there waiting for this man that I loved to fix "my" problem, was just not going to happen. Alcohlism is progressive, and as you see over the years , it gets worse, and it will continue to get worse then it is now, if you can believe it.
But as you can see from the pattern of the above posters, what r u doing for you? Are u attending any alanon or open aa meetings? I would highly recommend hitting a therapist alone, as marriage therapy is truly a waste of time, when u r dealing with addiction. I would read all over sober recovery, and truly educate yourself about what you are up against. Education is power. It will be the battle of your life time. Stick around my friend, there is a lot of support here, and we do understand. Sending hugs to you!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
She also said she doesn't see our marriage working if he doesn't stop. He said no, that if I left he would spiral out of control. I really don't wanna walk away. I want him to get the help he needs and beat this.
This guy has it made, a wife at home willing to do anything to keep him and he’s out at bars until they close? Hummm
I would suggest you research addiction and addict behavior, understanding their play book helps you be better prepared.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Delaware
Posts: 29
Atalose,no my husband is going to see an addiction counsel his appointment is Nov 7th.
I know that I have to make some changes and stop enabling him. what am I supposed to do or say when he goes out? Do I react to it at all how do I act the next day?
I know that I have to make some changes and stop enabling him. what am I supposed to do or say when he goes out? Do I react to it at all how do I act the next day?
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
You don't have to react to it at all. Your life doesn't have to revolve around his decisions, whether he drinks or not, whether he keeps his appointment or doesn't.
Have you looked into any Al Anon meetings for yourself, and Alateen meetings for your son? The support you find there can help you navigate this situation, whatever your husband ends up doing.
Have you looked into any Al Anon meetings for yourself, and Alateen meetings for your son? The support you find there can help you navigate this situation, whatever your husband ends up doing.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I agree, life doesn’t revolve around his decisions, you are entitled to decisions of your own.
Is him going out to bars until they close acceptable to you? How do you normally handle unacceptable behavior from others?
I think al-anon would be a great place for you to get additional support besides here and your marriage counselor. See, you are trying to save a marriage and he is trying to save his addiction – trains traveling on different tracks.
Is him going out to bars until they close acceptable to you? How do you normally handle unacceptable behavior from others?
I think al-anon would be a great place for you to get additional support besides here and your marriage counselor. See, you are trying to save a marriage and he is trying to save his addiction – trains traveling on different tracks.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, BrokenDown1975. There are very helpful and informative articles about alcohol dependencies in all forms posted as "stickies" at the top of this forum's main menu. The more you know about alcoholism, the better prepared you will be. It's a process. Good luck. Keep going.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by BrokenDown1975 
I know that I have to make some changes and stop enabling him. what am I supposed to do or say when he goes out? Do I react to it at all how do I act the next day?
Next, day just keep going about doing things that you want to do or that you need to do-with or without his participation or support. You do not need to "engage" in what he's doing or done. Keep "engaged" with yourself and what you're doing - keep the focus on yourself. For co-dependents, that's a hard concept to grasp at first.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 45
Welcome brokendown. A few months ago I took my ah to accident and emergency because of his post-binging. He was given fluids etc, and his heart rate was through the roof! It really scared him, and I was actually pleased about that as I thought it might shock him into re-thinking his alcohol intake. A week later he was back on the juice! Over the last few months he has stopped...started...new strategies...not working! He has tried to drink 'moderate'...not a chance!...an alcoholic can NEVER drink moderately! What I am trying to say is that they may wish to change, but they just can't! Therefore, you must try to concentrate on you and your situation...what you need! I wish I could take my own advice, because I am going through exactly what you are, but please know that you are not alone here...we all know and understand how difficult it is. I take my strength from reading posts here and writing things to others on here, to make me feel better in the knowledge that I have support...even if you are in the USA! From a village in England I send you my good wishes!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Hi BrokenDown1975,
I just wanted to lend my support as another spouse who was in it for the long haul. I also married my high school sweetheart, and started a family . 26 years together, two great kids. The first 20 years were good years, the last several were a spiraling mess into an alcoholic abyss. I got so sick with anxiety that I had to be medicated to manage day to day life. I was a shell of the woman I had been. He was no longer the man I married. The man I married loved me more than he loved drinking, the man I divorced was(is) a very ill individual that has no self accountability. I don't doubt that love existed between us, but by the end there was a lot more sickness than there was healthy love.
Please do read " Codependent No More". It was life changing for so many of us that have read it, for the ones that left their relationships AND for the ones who've stayed. Maybe even more importantly for the ones who did stay.
When I learned to set boundaries for my OWN life, when I got ME back under control and clear headed, life stared getting, and continues to get , much, much better.
Best of luck to you and your family. I'm glad you found us.
I just wanted to lend my support as another spouse who was in it for the long haul. I also married my high school sweetheart, and started a family . 26 years together, two great kids. The first 20 years were good years, the last several were a spiraling mess into an alcoholic abyss. I got so sick with anxiety that I had to be medicated to manage day to day life. I was a shell of the woman I had been. He was no longer the man I married. The man I married loved me more than he loved drinking, the man I divorced was(is) a very ill individual that has no self accountability. I don't doubt that love existed between us, but by the end there was a lot more sickness than there was healthy love.
Please do read " Codependent No More". It was life changing for so many of us that have read it, for the ones that left their relationships AND for the ones who've stayed. Maybe even more importantly for the ones who did stay.
When I learned to set boundaries for my OWN life, when I got ME back under control and clear headed, life stared getting, and continues to get , much, much better.
Best of luck to you and your family. I'm glad you found us.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
You know that vow many people take when they get married?
"....In sickness and in health...."
A lot of people believe they have to stay with their spouse no matter how unhealthy they ...
But when it comes to the sickness of addiction....I think that's different...
Plus...where did the 'health' part go? Doesn't the 'health' part still need to be a vow that is kept when it is a health issue that can be addressed and overcome?
"....In sickness and in health...."
A lot of people believe they have to stay with their spouse no matter how unhealthy they ...
But when it comes to the sickness of addiction....I think that's different...
Plus...where did the 'health' part go? Doesn't the 'health' part still need to be a vow that is kept when it is a health issue that can be addressed and overcome?
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