Helly

I finally spoke of alcohol to my xah ! As you know you never mention that word lol! Anyway I've stated it's no business of mine if and when u drink but it is when u have the kids.....I told him u can't have the kids when u drink, only when u r sober.....since then zero contact has been made to me or kids....nothing, he's usually quite involved, now I'm anxious as hell, thinking he's now depressed? Angry? Feeling sorry for himself? Hating me? Blaming me? Telling people I won't let him see the kids? .... My mind is going crazy! None could be true too! I feel like it's all my fault for bringing up alcohol the word.
I hate this, poor kids asking for dad, he won't answer phone, I know he's been busy at work so know he's ok,
Just venting
Just anxious
Thank you xxxxx

honeypig

Helly, none of that is on your side of the street. Whatever he may be feeling or thinking is HIS, not yours. And nothing is "your fault" b/c you dared to bring up his drinking.

One of my favorite sayings is something I heard here some time ago--"not my circus, not my monkeys." You are not the ringmaster here, my friend.

You say XAH, so I see you're divorced--what is specified regarding his child visitation by the court? Are there provisions about him being sober? I know there are many parents here who can talk to you in detail about getting legal protection in place in a situation like this as well as how to talk to your kids about why their father won't answer the phone.

Helly

Thanks, yep totally need to get off that merry go round, I somehow got on it ggrrr

Have not done courts/lawyers , we've been doing well getting on, communication etc , but now enough of the drinking around kids, I'm gonna be the responsible, bad guy now and put safety and security of my kids first.

I guess the hard part I don't know if he officially alcoholic, but def abuses alcohol. Do courts see and note the difference? No physical abuse, never drunk and drives, he very functioning with kids, dinner etc but still not good enough IMHO.

honeypig

I'm a little confused--you did reference XAH in your first post, which to me indicates a divorce. Then you said you hadn't dealt w/courts or lawyers. How did you do your divorce, and how were arrangements made for child support/visitation, etc., w/no legal involvement?

XAH and I did a pro se divorce where a lawyer was used only for consultation to make sure the paperwork was correctly filed, but we had no kids, no debt and no disagreements about financial or property issues. It's hard for me to imagine divorcing in a situation involving children w/o making some sort of written plan regarding support for them as well as visitation rights...?

Helly

We are separated (1yr) not divorced, and we sorted kids by our own agreements, they stay with him usually 1 night a week, rest with me, the kids have adjusted well, it has been good communication between us no nasty fighting etc. We will be sorting out the house via lawyer soon, . But as I said he's been drinking the night he has them , so I'm telling him it's not on...i guess this is my first step to seeing what further progress may have to be taken if he continues to drink with them.

honeypig

I think you're wise to realize that things may have to change regarding AH and the kids. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, as I'm sure you've read many times here. It's good that you've been able to work things out informally so far, but I do think that soon you'll want something legal and binding so that when things go south (which you say they are beginning to do already), there will be a plan and limits in place for the protection of your kids.

One more thing to consider--is your separation legal, thru the courts, or are you just not living together? The law will see things differently depending on the situation.

I'm sure there will be many other posts from members here who've been down this path already; hopefully you'll find some of them useful.

Lilro

Good Morning Ladies

Good for you Helly for watching out for your children. One day a week and he can't be straight? Do what you need to do for you and the kids, he's obviously doing what he needs to do for him. His reaction to your not allowing him to see the children if he has been drinking is HIS problem, not yours. Never doubt for a second that you are doing the correct thing by protecting them. As far as legalities? I will leave that up to the next member here with more experience in the law. Keep your chin up girl, your doing great!
Ro

Helly

Yep thank you
I have little dumb voice saying I'm over reacting and it's not fair on kids, because they do love going their with him, so far anyway, they would never 'diss' their dad,.....more anxiety, I'm seriously thinking of getting some anti anxiety meds to help me cope abit better
Thanks so much
X

Lilro

Go with your gut. It will never stear you wrong. What I can tell you from experience is that my own son has never dissed his father either. As a matter of fact, I just found out this week that my ex has borrowed money from him to pay some bills!! I thought my head was going to blow off! But that's a whole other story...
You are doing the right thing.

Helly

Evening here! Thank you very much, yea he has them either Fri or Sat night....I can hear him saying....gosh a few beers on a weekend night is not bad.......if only it was just a few aye! Then would would never be in this situation.
My poor kiddies they've told me about how he was smoking in bed with them, this was the last straw for me holy moly makes me so unbelievably sad, he never would have done that when we lived together, the kids then quickly cover up and say don't worry he doesn't do it much,,,poor kids, oh how I wish they had more innocent worries. My son sometimes counts his beers,,,,like I used to , anyway I need to keep strong and healthy and don't let my dumb voice, my Mrs nice ex wife get in the way
X

Nata1980

Helly - I can completely relate. Your gut feeling is correct - kids should
not be around him drinkin, and smoking in bed is completely unacceptable. Aside from second hand smoking, there is a possibility of him dozing off, dropping a cigarette and setting a house on fire. How drunk is he that he cannot go smoke outside?

Your instincts are spot on - and it is wise to start talking to the lawyer about this issue. As for him not calling - it is his choice, he wants to drink more than he wants to see his kids

Hugs to you - it's very hard, but in kids' best interest for sure - hang in there

FeelingGreat

Helly does he realise your son is counting the beers, or you know he's smoking in bed with them? He's possibly in shock about you bringing up the drinking, but he's a good father normally and he may be receptive. After all, he's causing the kids anxiety.
If he's not willing to protect them, then unfortunately it might mean seeking legal help.

maia1234

Helly, I agree with the other,posters, red flag!!!

Dad is a great guy, till he's not. There are a lot of adult children of alcoholics on this forum that talk about the crazy things their drunk parent did. You are your child's advocate!! Please document everything so if you need to show a history in court proceedings you have documentation.

I wouldnt let your kids know what you are doing. Are they old enough to attend alateen? This might help them also. Keep being proactive, your children will thank you one day.

Helly

Thank you, no he has no idea I know about smoking etc, so yes maybe a shock, I have never told him what the kids have told me, they promise me not to tell him - mostly my 10 year old, the others are 8 and 4 years old. I have documented everything they have told me, my son is sensitive and say dad was drunk and called him a ***** once and called the girls little *****, but in a laughing way, I know it doesn't sound bad, but I've never spoken to the kids this way so it's not nice for him to hear that.
Thanks for your posts , much appreciated xx

Mklove

Drinking is so much of the culture I grew up and live in that the question of not having kids around alcohol would mean no kids would live at home. I mean that and now can see how alohol causes kids to doubt everything, adults become unpredictable or very predictable, sad to be around them.
Finalizing divorce, Having legal recourse protects everybody.
I know you are all referring to the kids best interests and the smoking in bed was so unsafe in so many ways.