Pick your own adventure
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 4
Pick your own adventure
I am new here. I won't bore everyone with the backstory (are they really all that unique?), but my husband is freshly back from a 45 day stint in rehab for alcohol and pain pills.
Looking at the surface, everything is great. He is sweet and supportive. He's fun and funny. He has been wanting to do things as a family. He has been wonderful with our son. He's working out daily. He is starting a job on Monday. We each have individual and couple therapy weekly.
However, when you scratch the surface, there are a lot of red flags. He is taking risks with his sobriety in order to prove to himself that he can do things soberly (e.g., going to a casino). He is insisting that people not be "weird" and continue to drink around him. He has had days where he misses going to meetings. He has been out for 3 weeks and still hasn't asked anyone to be his sponsor.
It has been made VERY clear to him what the consequences will be if he does not maintain his sobriety. He has relapsed once, and if he does again he's out of the house and being served divorce papers with only supervised visitation with his son.
This leaves me in a really strange place. I don't want to become a negative, self-fulfilling prophecy where I expect him to fail, and therefore he does. However, I am also hyper vigilant and I will not allow myself to believe any lies or manipulations this time around.
As much as it is not in my control-freak nature, I have resigned myself to the fact that everything is up to him at this point. I feel like I am living in a "pick your own adventure" book where someone else is doing the picking.
I feel like I am living in limbo. If he is going to relapse, I wish he would just go ahead and do it already so that my son and I can move on with our lives instead of playing this game. If he is going to stay sober, I wish there was some sign to tell me so that I could relax and start to enjoy this new normal.
Can we just get to the end of the story already?
Looking at the surface, everything is great. He is sweet and supportive. He's fun and funny. He has been wanting to do things as a family. He has been wonderful with our son. He's working out daily. He is starting a job on Monday. We each have individual and couple therapy weekly.
However, when you scratch the surface, there are a lot of red flags. He is taking risks with his sobriety in order to prove to himself that he can do things soberly (e.g., going to a casino). He is insisting that people not be "weird" and continue to drink around him. He has had days where he misses going to meetings. He has been out for 3 weeks and still hasn't asked anyone to be his sponsor.
It has been made VERY clear to him what the consequences will be if he does not maintain his sobriety. He has relapsed once, and if he does again he's out of the house and being served divorce papers with only supervised visitation with his son.
This leaves me in a really strange place. I don't want to become a negative, self-fulfilling prophecy where I expect him to fail, and therefore he does. However, I am also hyper vigilant and I will not allow myself to believe any lies or manipulations this time around.
As much as it is not in my control-freak nature, I have resigned myself to the fact that everything is up to him at this point. I feel like I am living in a "pick your own adventure" book where someone else is doing the picking.
I feel like I am living in limbo. If he is going to relapse, I wish he would just go ahead and do it already so that my son and I can move on with our lives instead of playing this game. If he is going to stay sober, I wish there was some sign to tell me so that I could relax and start to enjoy this new normal.
Can we just get to the end of the story already?
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 530
My STBXAH is apparently not drinking- but I don't trust him and don't think I ever can again. being away has its own set of dilemmas- like should i give him another chance? Just don't want to play games with my life anymore.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
P,
Welcome and good for you reaching out for help. Alcoholism is a family disease so the alcoholic is not the only one that has been affected here.
His sobriety and working "his" program, is really not your responsibility. You need to work on your recovery. Are you attending any meetings, alanon or open aa meetings? What we learn here is that we have no control over anyone else, even a husband. If he chooses to drink (and odds are against him staying sober) then you need to follow through with what you stated to him. Read the stickies up top and educate yourself about addiction. It's a horrible disease and we have to do what ever it is to protect ourselves and our children.
Hugs my friend, we all understand!!
Welcome and good for you reaching out for help. Alcoholism is a family disease so the alcoholic is not the only one that has been affected here.
His sobriety and working "his" program, is really not your responsibility. You need to work on your recovery. Are you attending any meetings, alanon or open aa meetings? What we learn here is that we have no control over anyone else, even a husband. If he chooses to drink (and odds are against him staying sober) then you need to follow through with what you stated to him. Read the stickies up top and educate yourself about addiction. It's a horrible disease and we have to do what ever it is to protect ourselves and our children.
Hugs my friend, we all understand!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Hello and welcome,
I definitely understand that feeling of wanting to just "get to the end of the story already".
Mine stopped for 9 months (his longest dry period) when we were still living together, but throughout that time, he wasn't working a program or going to meetings. I knew it was only a matter of time until he started again... and there was part of me that hoped he would, so I could just get on with it....
He eventually did.
I know you know this, but you don't have to wait for him to relapse again in order to serve him with divorce papers.
You could choose your own adventure by doing that now, if you didn't want to wait around in limbo for him to relapse again for months or years.
I know it's not that easy, believe me, but just sayin....
I definitely understand that feeling of wanting to just "get to the end of the story already".
Mine stopped for 9 months (his longest dry period) when we were still living together, but throughout that time, he wasn't working a program or going to meetings. I knew it was only a matter of time until he started again... and there was part of me that hoped he would, so I could just get on with it....
He eventually did.
I know you know this, but you don't have to wait for him to relapse again in order to serve him with divorce papers.
You could choose your own adventure by doing that now, if you didn't want to wait around in limbo for him to relapse again for months or years.
I know it's not that easy, believe me, but just sayin....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 4
Thanks everyone. I've started going to some al anon meetings and they definitely help, especially with the letting go of control. I know I could leave now, but I'm staying for the time being for a couple of reasons. From the heart perspective, as long as he is trying and there's a chance I could have this great guy forever, I want to give it a chance. From a more practical perspective, if I leave while he is sober, he will most likely get shared custody. I can't handle the thought of him relapsing while having legal access to my child.
However, I will not subject my son to an unstable home environment or seeing his dad relapse and recover over and over. He is 2, so before long he will notice. So I am very determined that we will be done in the case of a relapse. This is his last chance.
However, I will not subject my son to an unstable home environment or seeing his dad relapse and recover over and over. He is 2, so before long he will notice. So I am very determined that we will be done in the case of a relapse. This is his last chance.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 193
I recognize the back and forth here; I had suspicions my XAH had a drinking problem when we divorced but didn't realize the full extent of it. My attorney advised me how difficult it would be to prove there was an issue and get custody.
After he pursued recovery and relapsed a few times, I went ahead and had my attorney draft a custody motion that I could put into place at any point. We used it to threaten legal action which convinced him to resume SoberLink monitoring.
But I have to say it was worth every penny to have it drafted so I could go into court to protect my children in 24 hours if necessary.
My ex is currently sober (I think) and monitoring. But he is not working a program and I suspect it's just a matter of time. I've been wishy washy in the past; but the next time he relapses, I will be ready to put in place an emergency order and settle this once and for all.
You may not be ready to leave him; but if you are feeling this way, proactively preparing a motion should you need it could give you immeasurable comfort.
After he pursued recovery and relapsed a few times, I went ahead and had my attorney draft a custody motion that I could put into place at any point. We used it to threaten legal action which convinced him to resume SoberLink monitoring.
But I have to say it was worth every penny to have it drafted so I could go into court to protect my children in 24 hours if necessary.
My ex is currently sober (I think) and monitoring. But he is not working a program and I suspect it's just a matter of time. I've been wishy washy in the past; but the next time he relapses, I will be ready to put in place an emergency order and settle this once and for all.
You may not be ready to leave him; but if you are feeling this way, proactively preparing a motion should you need it could give you immeasurable comfort.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 193
For what it's worth, it took me almost five years to get to the point of being ready to be proactive. My mindset had been, I want to pursue every possible alternative before I go with legal action.
But my attorney finally called it. He said, "CPTA, this isn't going to stop, he's not ready to stop drinking - and I can tell it's killing you. Let's just do this so we have it on file and you know you can use it when you need to."
To be honest I still dragged my feet a little and didn't rush things along with my drafts. But by god, the minute I saw the relapse had come, I pulled the trigger and we had it done and ready to go in two days time. All it took was that threat of a filed motion to get him to cooperate.
Up until that point I was also trying to be financially conservative, but by then I had snapped and told my lawyer - who had started working with me as a young associate and who had just made partner by then - I don't care what it takes, do not scrimp on this, I want you to do this and I want it to be good.
And by god; I read that motion and the flooding relief as I read it was worth every dime I put into it! I sleep better at night knowing it's written. I don't know why I didn't do it sooner. I hope you can learn from my mistake!
But my attorney finally called it. He said, "CPTA, this isn't going to stop, he's not ready to stop drinking - and I can tell it's killing you. Let's just do this so we have it on file and you know you can use it when you need to."
To be honest I still dragged my feet a little and didn't rush things along with my drafts. But by god, the minute I saw the relapse had come, I pulled the trigger and we had it done and ready to go in two days time. All it took was that threat of a filed motion to get him to cooperate.
Up until that point I was also trying to be financially conservative, but by then I had snapped and told my lawyer - who had started working with me as a young associate and who had just made partner by then - I don't care what it takes, do not scrimp on this, I want you to do this and I want it to be good.
And by god; I read that motion and the flooding relief as I read it was worth every dime I put into it! I sleep better at night knowing it's written. I don't know why I didn't do it sooner. I hope you can learn from my mistake!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
They all go through a "Honeymoon" stage after treatment. Which is nice. Enjoy it.
But yes stay vigilant. One of the most useful pieces of advice I learned was, it is suggested that you wait until a year of established continual sobriety happen before you can start to let you vigilance go from hyper to normal.
Mine went 9 months. And crashed in flames. At that time I fulfilled my side of the agreement and left her.
And peace returned to my life. And she quickly spiraled in further. Was taking up with some guy she met in rehab. Probably had no motivation to go a year. He was her ready made landing strip, so she didn't need to live sober with me when she could be drunk again with him.
Which suits me fine.
Good luck. Stay vigilant. Hope it sticks.
But yes stay vigilant. One of the most useful pieces of advice I learned was, it is suggested that you wait until a year of established continual sobriety happen before you can start to let you vigilance go from hyper to normal.
Mine went 9 months. And crashed in flames. At that time I fulfilled my side of the agreement and left her.
And peace returned to my life. And she quickly spiraled in further. Was taking up with some guy she met in rehab. Probably had no motivation to go a year. He was her ready made landing strip, so she didn't need to live sober with me when she could be drunk again with him.
Which suits me fine.
Good luck. Stay vigilant. Hope it sticks.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: East Coast
Posts: 102
Petrie - What sticks out to me is that right now you're giving him the reins to the end of your story. It's YOUR story and I hope that this is just one chapter of it and that you're still in control. Sounds like you're on the path to recovery with therapy and perhaps Al-Anon (and of course this site!).
Hugs to you!!!
Hugs to you!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I think keeping your eyes open is wise, but you don't have to let it control your live. Those Alanon meetings and counseling session will help you. I can tell you that if he falls off the wagon, you will know. Deep down in the pit of your stomach you will know. He'll probably try and hide it, and you will want to believe him, but you will have that nagging feeling and you will just know.
So rest easy - one day at a time. We take this as it comes and we let good days be GOOD days. And if a bad day/week / month happens, then we move forward doing what we know is best for us. HUGS! Nothing like "sleeping with one eye open" while you are awake. I know the feeling.
So rest easy - one day at a time. We take this as it comes and we let good days be GOOD days. And if a bad day/week / month happens, then we move forward doing what we know is best for us. HUGS! Nothing like "sleeping with one eye open" while you are awake. I know the feeling.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
my husband is freshly back from a 45 day stint in rehab for alcohol and pain pills.
there are a lot of red flags. He is taking risks with his sobriety in order to prove to himself that he can do things soberly (e.g., going to a casino). He is insisting that people not be "weird" and continue to drink around him. He has had days where he misses going to meetings. He has been out for 3 weeks and still hasn't asked anyone to be his sponsor.
He has relapsed once, and if he does again he's out of the house and being served divorce papers with only supervised visitation with his son.
Can we just get to the end of the story already?
None of those things mentioned above are what real recovery looks like, sorry to say. I know you are waiting for some kind of “major” sign – keep watching cause its coming.
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