Sometimes you can only laugh to keep from crying
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Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 52
Sometimes you can only laugh to keep from crying
I just had to share what's been going on with me lately. Just when you think you've got enough on your plate, life just keeps piling more on.
I'm in the midst of my divorce with my AH. He served me with request for spousal support last month while I was out of the country on a work trip even though I have tried and tried to get him to discuss finances and what he is needing. So now we are paying our lawyers to hash it out. If we can't come to an agreement we have a court date in a couple weeks. His document contained so many lies it made my head explode, including the fact that I was the one that turned him into an alcoholic. Huh.
I've been trying to wade through this while acting as a full time working single mom because he only has supervised visitation. He sees our daughter every day, but I'm in charge of mornings, daycare drop off and pick up, etc.
Last week I got notice that they are relocating our whole business to the opposite coast and I will be out of a job at the beginning of the new year. No other information is given so I have no idea how long I have a job, what severance looks like or anything. And he's pushing me to put in stone what he's going to get for support.
The day I find this out a friend sent me a job post for a pretty perfect job in a city that would bring closer to family and support. I sent in my resume on a whim. This week I get a call, talk to the recruiter and have a phone interview set up. Sounds great, right? Oh, but they want the person to be relocated and working by the end of next month.
I am so close to a mental breakdown from all of the stress! Every bit of it has a silver lining which is awesome, but in this moment on time I can barely keep my head above water.
And so I just laugh and cry and try to put all my faith in the idea that a year or two from now I'll be grateful that I survived this. And hopefully be better off for it.
I'm in the midst of my divorce with my AH. He served me with request for spousal support last month while I was out of the country on a work trip even though I have tried and tried to get him to discuss finances and what he is needing. So now we are paying our lawyers to hash it out. If we can't come to an agreement we have a court date in a couple weeks. His document contained so many lies it made my head explode, including the fact that I was the one that turned him into an alcoholic. Huh.
I've been trying to wade through this while acting as a full time working single mom because he only has supervised visitation. He sees our daughter every day, but I'm in charge of mornings, daycare drop off and pick up, etc.
Last week I got notice that they are relocating our whole business to the opposite coast and I will be out of a job at the beginning of the new year. No other information is given so I have no idea how long I have a job, what severance looks like or anything. And he's pushing me to put in stone what he's going to get for support.
The day I find this out a friend sent me a job post for a pretty perfect job in a city that would bring closer to family and support. I sent in my resume on a whim. This week I get a call, talk to the recruiter and have a phone interview set up. Sounds great, right? Oh, but they want the person to be relocated and working by the end of next month.
I am so close to a mental breakdown from all of the stress! Every bit of it has a silver lining which is awesome, but in this moment on time I can barely keep my head above water.
And so I just laugh and cry and try to put all my faith in the idea that a year or two from now I'll be grateful that I survived this. And hopefully be better off for it.
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 179
Big hugs. I do not see how a grown adult can morally ask for another's labor and support. The idea of alimony seems so unfair in most cases. To me, anyways. You will get thru this. You will have peace once it is all done.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 246
Originally Posted by FutureTrip 
His document contained so many lies it made my head explode, including the fact that I was the one that turned him into an alcoholic. Huh.
I am so close to a mental breakdown from all of the stress!
And so I just laugh and cry and try to put all my faith in the idea that a year or two from now I'll be grateful that I survived this. And hopefully be better off for it.
I am so close to a mental breakdown from all of the stress!
And so I just laugh and cry and try to put all my faith in the idea that a year or two from now I'll be grateful that I survived this. And hopefully be better off for it.
My husband blamed his alcoholism, pornography, massage parlors...and the latest and greatest revelation - an affair - on me too. To top it off, the affair was discovered by my 12 year old daughter. She discovered it back in the summer time and bottled it up inside of her and told no one until this past week. She's devastated. I don't know the full extent of the affair and probably never will. Thank goodness we're separated otherwise it would be uncomfortable in the house together to say the least.
I hope everything goes well with the job opportunity and the other pieces of your life fall into place. You're not alone. This too shall pass.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: The Woodlands, TX
Posts: 68
Future I'm so sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I don't know if it's any consolation but I admire you for being strong enough to leave an unhealthy relationship. I hope that I can be there someday.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,981
Wowzers Futuretrip! You are indeed hoeing one hell of a row. I hope you can laugh at this some day but sure understand if you can't right now - argh!
It does sound like things will be pretty good on the other side of this exploding-mountain-of-rooster-poop but that is quite the pile of foul, fowl manure you have to wade through.
There is a saying something like "If you are going through a tough time, keep going."
One step at a time and let us know how it goes.
It does sound like things will be pretty good on the other side of this exploding-mountain-of-rooster-poop but that is quite the pile of foul, fowl manure you have to wade through.
There is a saying something like "If you are going through a tough time, keep going."
One step at a time and let us know how it goes.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
FT,
Remember this is God's plan, not yours. Just keep following my friend. I am on the other side and it is amazing. Oct. 29 will be my 2 year Divorce anniversary. Wow the fog I was in, just amazes me that I did what I had to do. You are almost there!! Deep breaths and keep moving forward. Hugs my friend!!
Remember this is God's plan, not yours. Just keep following my friend. I am on the other side and it is amazing. Oct. 29 will be my 2 year Divorce anniversary. Wow the fog I was in, just amazes me that I did what I had to do. You are almost there!! Deep breaths and keep moving forward. Hugs my friend!!
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
Sending you hugs! I know how you feel my AH #2 has informed me he will be asking for spousal support as well- took me by surprise and I should say I was surprised but why should I be surprised when he was always such a piece of crap truly! I know how you feel about being overwhelmed and there are plenty of people here who understand - just like they say in Finding Nemo" just keep swimmin" that's what I tell myself everyday. Best of luck to you on the job interview it sounds like you've got this under control even though I'm sure you don't feel like that - just like I don't! I raised my two sons myself after my first AH and I divorced and I can honestly say it's one of the best things I've ever done and we are so close because of it! I would not trade it for the world! But I would have traded marrying AH #2 - UGHHH what a turd :-)
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Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 52
Originally Posted by 3littlebirds
Future I'm so sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I don't know if it's any consolation but I admire you for being strong enough to leave an unhealthy relationship. I hope that I can be there someday.
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Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 52
Update:
I haven't checked in here in awhile as life has kept me from thinking much on what has actually turned my life upside down.
I got the job. The first job I applied to on the day I found out I'm losing my job. A job that brings me and my daughter back to somewhat of my hometown. Living in the same city as my sister and her family, with my mom deciding to move there too. A job that is exciting and full of opportunity. A job paying for every bit of relocating us.
My divorce is moving forward. My STBXAH and I just went to mediation today and he is finally letting his anger subside and making financial and custody decisions that are right and fair. He is staying here until he can find a job in my new city and move up to stay close to our daughter. He claims to be sober but I know he has a long hard road ahead.
And so with this week being my last week of work, packing up and moving in 2 weeks, finalizing details in the divorce...there is now space for me to grieve. And it is taking over any spare moment I may find. It is painful and heart breaking and gut wrenching. I keep myself from going too far down the path of "what if" and "maybe if I had stuck it out a bit longer...". But it's hard. I know I made the right decision and cut things off before it got any worse or could affect our daughter...but d*mn it's painful. Seeing the pain he's going through knowing he won't see our daughter every day f***king kills me. I try so hard to not feel culpable, but I fail at times.
There is so much promise ahead of me and I hope I can feel at peace with that at some point. I have a hard time letting go of the past. Pain easily gets erased by time for me and I'm left with good memories, longing for comfort and familiarity. And knowing that he will be in my life, connected through our daughter, I'm actually fearful that I won't be able to let go, that I will always carry a torch for what we were and what we had.
So I'm OK with grieving for now, but I fear the future and that I won't let myself move beyond this. That I'll be stuck frozen in what we were before all of this, or more accurately stuck in my rose colored memory.
F**ck this is hard. But all I can do is keep moving forward.
I haven't checked in here in awhile as life has kept me from thinking much on what has actually turned my life upside down.
I got the job. The first job I applied to on the day I found out I'm losing my job. A job that brings me and my daughter back to somewhat of my hometown. Living in the same city as my sister and her family, with my mom deciding to move there too. A job that is exciting and full of opportunity. A job paying for every bit of relocating us.
My divorce is moving forward. My STBXAH and I just went to mediation today and he is finally letting his anger subside and making financial and custody decisions that are right and fair. He is staying here until he can find a job in my new city and move up to stay close to our daughter. He claims to be sober but I know he has a long hard road ahead.
And so with this week being my last week of work, packing up and moving in 2 weeks, finalizing details in the divorce...there is now space for me to grieve. And it is taking over any spare moment I may find. It is painful and heart breaking and gut wrenching. I keep myself from going too far down the path of "what if" and "maybe if I had stuck it out a bit longer...". But it's hard. I know I made the right decision and cut things off before it got any worse or could affect our daughter...but d*mn it's painful. Seeing the pain he's going through knowing he won't see our daughter every day f***king kills me. I try so hard to not feel culpable, but I fail at times.
There is so much promise ahead of me and I hope I can feel at peace with that at some point. I have a hard time letting go of the past. Pain easily gets erased by time for me and I'm left with good memories, longing for comfort and familiarity. And knowing that he will be in my life, connected through our daughter, I'm actually fearful that I won't be able to let go, that I will always carry a torch for what we were and what we had.
So I'm OK with grieving for now, but I fear the future and that I won't let myself move beyond this. That I'll be stuck frozen in what we were before all of this, or more accurately stuck in my rose colored memory.
F**ck this is hard. But all I can do is keep moving forward.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
FT 
Grieving is perfectly natural under the circumstance, although very painful. I am so sorry!! Perhaps just keep your days as simple as possible over the next few weeks so that you continue to have the time to work through some of this grief.
Big hugs to you and your daughter...and don't feel as though you are destroying your husband's relationship with her. He has done that by himself. You are providing her with stability and a future without chaos, and that is a gift, indeed! Plus, as you said, your husband will be looking for work and moving to be near her in the future...so he will have every opportunity to see her and build an excellent relationship with her.
You are all in my prayers and thoughts!
Grieving is perfectly natural under the circumstance, although very painful. I am so sorry!! Perhaps just keep your days as simple as possible over the next few weeks so that you continue to have the time to work through some of this grief.
Big hugs to you and your daughter...and don't feel as though you are destroying your husband's relationship with her. He has done that by himself. You are providing her with stability and a future without chaos, and that is a gift, indeed! Plus, as you said, your husband will be looking for work and moving to be near her in the future...so he will have every opportunity to see her and build an excellent relationship with her.
You are all in my prayers and thoughts!
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Wow congratulations! Have you ever thought about how your decision to cut away from him may have actually been the anecdote needed for him to want to get help? If he's sober (or at least trying), going to move also to be close to his daughter, will try and get a JOB.... what do you think?
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think you are doing GREAT. And if you want a hopeful future to look forward to, consider this. I'm divorced from my first husband, who will celebrate 37 years of sobriety in a few weeks. We didn't split up because of alcoholism, but because I no longer wanted the marriage. After a brief awkwardness, we rebuilt our relationship as friends. My boys stayed with him, and I moved across the country.
Because of our very amicable relationship, he supported my relationship with the kids as they were growing up. I was consulted on everything important. I paid my child support on time, and when I had a brief period of unemployment/underemployment, we worked it out so I repaid what I owed with interest. He has supported me through my own recovery from alcoholism. I stay with him and his wife when I go out and visit the kids and am welcomed as family.
If he stays sober and you can build that kind of relationship (and even people who are not hateful toward exes often can't quite do that), just think how great that would be for everyone. It's as if the family extended, rather than "broke."
So sure, do your grieving. But know there are ways of maintaining the sense of family, even in the face of divorce.
Good luck with the move--it sounds terrific!
Because of our very amicable relationship, he supported my relationship with the kids as they were growing up. I was consulted on everything important. I paid my child support on time, and when I had a brief period of unemployment/underemployment, we worked it out so I repaid what I owed with interest. He has supported me through my own recovery from alcoholism. I stay with him and his wife when I go out and visit the kids and am welcomed as family.
If he stays sober and you can build that kind of relationship (and even people who are not hateful toward exes often can't quite do that), just think how great that would be for everyone. It's as if the family extended, rather than "broke."
So sure, do your grieving. But know there are ways of maintaining the sense of family, even in the face of divorce.
Good luck with the move--it sounds terrific!
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Midwest
Posts: 120
Yeah that's a lot. But like you said there's a silver lining in it for sure. I can only offer my support and say keep on truckin', as my dear granny used to say.
Sometimes I think about my life and things I faced and thought wow I'm still here still standing and still sane. You'll get through it. There's never a perfect time for anything you listed, and it just happens to really suck that they're happening all at once.
You're stronger than you think.
Sometimes I think about my life and things I faced and thought wow I'm still here still standing and still sane. You'll get through it. There's never a perfect time for anything you listed, and it just happens to really suck that they're happening all at once.
You're stronger than you think.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 52
Another update:
So my move is 7 days away. Packers and movers are set, my daughter and I get on a plane and land in our new life on December 31st, if that isn't a crazy coincidence.
Every single thing since the day I found out I was losing my job has gone perfectly, eerily perfect. Applied to a job the day I found out I was losing mine and I got it. It's an amazing opportunity that takes my career onto another level. It's in the same city I lived in 11 years ago with my sister, old friends and acquaintances. They are paying for every bit of my move. My sister researched daycares for my daughter and one that a friend highly recommended just happened to have an opening just come available for my daughter's age on January 2nd. I researched homes to rent and found a perfect one. They had many, many people apply and I got in under the wire and was able to view it on the last day. It's absolute perfection in every way with wonderful owners. They took to me and offered me the rental the next day. And then I find out it is only 3 blocks from my daycare. I can walk my daughter to school, cross the street and take the bus downtown to my job. My sister lives 5 minutes away. I even walked into a furniture consignment store off hand and found the exact couch I was looking at from a high end retailer plus 2 gorgeous dressers AND they are going out of business in a week so I got 25% off all of it.
Please don't mistake me writing this as bragging. I am overwhelmed with each and every fortune that has come my way and with how eerily perfect they have been. If I had not decided that enough is enough and stood up for me and my daughter, none of this would have come to pass. And each incident is the universe screaming "YES! YES! YOU MADE THE RIGHT DECISION!"
I don't pretend making the choice to leave your A will end up with the same fortune and all of this doesn't erase the emotional upheaval I still feel and go through, but I do think that if you take a chance and make steps towards a better life, more often than not you will get reminders to encourage you to keep moving forward. They may be small or may be big, but hopefully you will get reminders that you are important enough to keep moving forward. XX
So my move is 7 days away. Packers and movers are set, my daughter and I get on a plane and land in our new life on December 31st, if that isn't a crazy coincidence.
Every single thing since the day I found out I was losing my job has gone perfectly, eerily perfect. Applied to a job the day I found out I was losing mine and I got it. It's an amazing opportunity that takes my career onto another level. It's in the same city I lived in 11 years ago with my sister, old friends and acquaintances. They are paying for every bit of my move. My sister researched daycares for my daughter and one that a friend highly recommended just happened to have an opening just come available for my daughter's age on January 2nd. I researched homes to rent and found a perfect one. They had many, many people apply and I got in under the wire and was able to view it on the last day. It's absolute perfection in every way with wonderful owners. They took to me and offered me the rental the next day. And then I find out it is only 3 blocks from my daycare. I can walk my daughter to school, cross the street and take the bus downtown to my job. My sister lives 5 minutes away. I even walked into a furniture consignment store off hand and found the exact couch I was looking at from a high end retailer plus 2 gorgeous dressers AND they are going out of business in a week so I got 25% off all of it.
Please don't mistake me writing this as bragging. I am overwhelmed with each and every fortune that has come my way and with how eerily perfect they have been. If I had not decided that enough is enough and stood up for me and my daughter, none of this would have come to pass. And each incident is the universe screaming "YES! YES! YOU MADE THE RIGHT DECISION!"
I don't pretend making the choice to leave your A will end up with the same fortune and all of this doesn't erase the emotional upheaval I still feel and go through, but I do think that if you take a chance and make steps towards a better life, more often than not you will get reminders to encourage you to keep moving forward. They may be small or may be big, but hopefully you will get reminders that you are important enough to keep moving forward. XX
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