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Found his secret...

Old 10-19-2016, 05:41 AM
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Found his secret...

Hi, I'll start by saying my husband is a wonderful man and father to our two children. He works hard and we've always had a great relationship. He's my best friend and we can talk about anything. Or so I thought until yesterday. I work nights and upon arriving home I noticed the side access to our tub had fallen down. when I looked inside there were 6 empty pint bottles of vodka. I knew my husband had a few beers and maybe a shooter on the weekends but I had no idea he was drinking in this excess. I talked to him today and he says it's been going on for a couple years, when I'm at work and he's stressed he downs a bottle. I asked him if he would have ever told me had I not found his stash spot and he said probably not. he says he won't do it anymore but I just don't know how I can trust him right now with me away working in the evenings. I suppose it will take time to trust him again. Any encouraging thoughts or positive ideas would be amazing right now.
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Old 10-19-2016, 05:48 AM
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Kach720, I'm sorry you've had this sprung on you. I think it is great that he admitted it and did not try to lie his way out of the situation.
Is this the first time you've had a run in with him drinking?

I usually read and post on the recovery section of SR - but I've been seeing some very enlightening posts here. Surely others will chime in with some good insight for you.
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Old 10-19-2016, 09:36 AM
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Hi, kach, and welcome to SR. I'm glad you found us here. I hope you can spend some time reading around the forum. Especially make sure to read the stickies at the top of the page--there is a lot of useful information as well as inspiration there.

You are concerned about how to trust your hub again, and that's a valid concern. Trust must be earned, and he has broken yours. It will take time, and trustworthy actions, not merely words, to rebuild that trust. If his drinking is at this level, it is possible he can just announce "no more" and actually make that happen; however, I don't know that it's likely.

I also have concern for your children, as he apparently has been drunk while caring for them. How old are they? What would happen if there was an emergency situation and he was seriously impaired?

Right at this moment, educating yourself about alcoholism, what it is, and what you can and can't do about it is the most important thing you can do, in my opinion. I hope you'll continue to read and post here at SR. I'd also like to suggest looking into Alanon for some face-to-face support and education as well.

Again, welcome to SR--you are among friends.
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Old 10-19-2016, 09:51 AM
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Al-Anon will show you the way
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Old 10-19-2016, 10:38 AM
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Can someone please explain the empty hidden bottles to me?!?!?!?
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Old 10-19-2016, 10:50 AM
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Lilro....the bottles are empty because someone (presumably) drank the contents...and, then, tried to hide the evidence that they are consuming large amounts of alcohol.
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Old 10-19-2016, 10:53 AM
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Originally Posted by Lilro View Post
Can someone please explain the empty hidden bottles to me?!?!?!?
My wife did this. She would bring home the bottles, pour them into water jugs and hide the empty booze bottles so I couldn't tell she was drinking.

My suggestion would be to acknowledge his stress. Suggest healthy things you can do together to relieve stress (exercise, meditation, etc...). So long as he views this as his sole means of stress relief it will be hard for him to stop. They get used to their relief and over time their sense deaden to the drinking until they drink more and more to numb the pain.
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Old 10-19-2016, 10:57 AM
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Dandy... What confuses me is why they don't throw them out... Offsite!
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Old 10-19-2016, 10:58 AM
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Old 10-19-2016, 11:14 AM
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Dandy... What confuses me is why they don't throw them out... Offsite!
I agree with you - it would be important to know how many days worth of bottles were hidden there.
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Old 10-19-2016, 11:16 AM
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Lillro....lol....I did think your question was strangely concrete for someone who is so familiar, by now, with alcoholism!
I see what you mean...about the logic of it.....
I really don't know....but, I imagine that it has something to do with the frontal lobes of the brain that have to do with logic, planning and executive function..which, as we all know is affected by the alcohol. I agree that it would be much more logical to do better planning if one were trying to cover up!
Also, I think that it may have to do with the path of least resistance.
It would take a lot more effort to do the additional work of removing the evidence from the property and dispose at a different place. A lot more inconvenient and more complex than just stuffing them someplace that is convenient in the m oment.
Also, there may be the factor of looking at the evidence when one might be more sober in the harsh light of day...when one might be more sober.
Alcholics are lying to themselves, even more than others, about their disease...so, they may not want to look at the evidence and threaten their own protective denial.....
I do know that lots of alcoholics hide the empty bottles close by...my son hid them under his bed. He then called me, one day, when he was at work...and asked me to search his bedroom for a cell phone charger that he feared that he had lost....
When I discovered the empty vodka bottles....he told me that the garderner (who doesn't drink) had obviously sneaked them into the house and hid them there.
When I asked him "Why in the world, would Carlos bring empty bottles several miles across town...sneak them into the upstairs and hide them under your bed? Couldn't he have disposed them anywhere else much more conveniently?
My son replied..."That is a GOOD question, mom...y ou should ask him about that!"
Now, this is a very smart guy....under other circumstances....
Enter alcohol...out goes logic and reason.....I think it has a lot to do with the denial....
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Old 10-19-2016, 11:24 AM
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stashing the empties is one of those weird "alcoholic" things......but then again, haven't many of us "hidden" or stashed the remenants of something......maybe a bag of oreos, or the shopping receipt for something we knew was way too expensive....hiding the evidence??

if he just puts them in the trash or recycle, they will be seen. and his cover blown. he then would have to find a way - like Carlos the gardener (lol) - to sneak them out of the house, take them somewhere and dispose of them. in lieu of either of those choices, he hides them somewhere that "no one" will find.

i think we had a funny yet really sad thread about hiding places?? it's a shame that creative genius can't be harnessed for better purposes!!!
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Old 10-19-2016, 11:24 AM
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Whenever I hear that someone is “hiding” liquor bottles, empty or not it’s a big red warning flag of a secret drinker. If he’s admitted that he’s been drinking alone at night when you are not there for the past 2 years, you can bet it’s probably longer.

I try and look at situations from all angles, so I ask myself, why would someone “hide” evidence of drinking? If you are not doing anything wrong you have nothing to hide. If he’s having a drink or two in the evening to wind down, why the need to hide it?

Trusting someone who finds the need to hide empty alcohol bottles, is not someone who should be left alone in charge of children.

Alcoholics lie, and lie and lie…………..more will be revealed in time, like maybe a new hiding spot.

Learn as much as you can about alcoholism, alcoholic behaviors and always always trust your gut!!!!
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Old 10-19-2016, 11:33 AM
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Yeah, the why the hiding behavior is strange. But as anvilheadII said, if they were thrown out with the trash they might be discovered.

One fall morning after the weather had changed I decided to wear a pair of knee high boots and low and behold what was inside but an empty pill bottle, hidden in MY boots. I imagine my ex thought it was a good hiding place in July!!! And the mind erasing pills he was taking, he had no idea where or what he was hiding anymore.
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Old 10-19-2016, 11:56 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post

Also, I think that it may have to do with the path of least resistance.
It would take a lot more effort to do the additional work of removing the evidence from the property and dispose at a different place. A lot more inconvenient and more complex than just stuffing them someplace that is convenient in the m oment.
Yep, sort of like leaving the milk container in the fridge even though it's empty. It's just easier, especially when you're drunk.
Mine would leave his vodka bottles hiding out in the garage, where he did his drinking, in the mini fridge, or various other cabinets out there. I don't know that he really thought about it, it was just easiest...
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Old 10-19-2016, 12:05 PM
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i knew a guy who lived ALONE and still hid the empties. out of shame.
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Old 10-19-2016, 12:19 PM
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Whenever I hear that someone is “hiding” liquor bottles, empty or not it’s a big red warning flag of a secret drinker. If he’s admitted that he’s been drinking alone at night when you are not there for the past 2 years, you can bet it’s probably longer.
This is something that occurs to me also. In my experience, what I found or what XAH admitted to generally turned out to be the tip of the iceberg, once time had passed and more was revealed.

I'd also be leery of accepting explanations about "stress" as a reason for drinking. We all have stress in our lives; we don't all secretly down a pint or more of vodka "to relieve the stress" and then hide the evidence. There are many, many posts here about the endless variety of "reasons" given by the A's in our lives for why they drink, but in every single instance that I can remember, that "reason" has been an excuse, a way to blame someone or something else for the unacceptable behavior, a way to deflect attention from the A.
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Old 10-19-2016, 12:39 PM
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"I won't do it anymore" does not sound too promising too me - if he could have "not done it", he would have already stopped.

My main concern would be leaving the kids with him. Is he willing to get help for his alcoholism?
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Old 10-19-2016, 02:45 PM
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Originally Posted by Lilro View Post
Dandy... What confuses me is why they don't throw them out... Offsite!
I've had roommates who abused crack on a daily basis. And if their addiction is any indicator, the empties are kept within arm's reach "just in case" there's anything left in there when the abuser runs out and can't go get more. My roomies would keep all manner of what I would consider trash just because it might have some trace amount they could smoke later. I'm sure the logic here follows a similar pattern.
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Old 10-19-2016, 03:00 PM
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I would save my empties until I could safely get them out of my house to a gas station or somewhere else to throw them away.

Also, if that's what you found, there is more. And if he admitted to some, there is more.

He definitely has a problem. You should go to Al-anon. You would get a lot of help there. I'm sorry you are going through this.
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