kach720

Thank you all for the insight. I will definitely continue searching this sight for more info and ways I can help him. He has an appointment with a counselor Friday so it's a start. I am worried about him being with the kids, he claims it's after they are in bed but I have no way of knowing that and that's still not a good scenario if an emergency does occur. I'm thinking about seeing if my mom can take the kids in the evenings but I also don't want that to add to his condition, he loves our kids dearly. I'm not sure how to approach that topic without it possibly making the situation worse but I also need to think of our children's safety.

AnvilheadII

how would you approach it if the BABYSITTER told you she drank vodka while watching your kids..........?

this is NO different. your children's safety must come first. talking to your AH about changing the child watching schedule would be a good litmus test for how serious the problem is and how serious he thinks the problem is. but he is NOT to be trusted alone with them.

Kboys

Yeah, I agree with Anvil. I know it seems harsh... he's their dad, and he loves them, but how could you ever forgive yourself if something happened, and you knew he was drinking and left them with him anyway...

My Ah's drinking started to ramp up just after we had the kids, and I didn't take it as seriously as I should have at that point. I didn't realize he was drinking as much as he actually was at first.

I had a hard time finding full time child care for my second baby, after I went back to work after maternity leave and was still leaving the baby alone with him some days.

One afternoon I came home to my then three month old crying (older DS was at the babysitter) and him passed out on the couch with a pile of puke next to him. It was awful. I hate to even think about it now, it just makes me cringe.
After that, I did what I had to do, including taking a lot of vacation days, until I found full time care, and they were never alone with him again while he was drinking or I had the faintest suspicion he might be...

I hope you're able to have a good talk with him about it...

I'm sorry you're going through this, and I'm glad you're here.

Hayfmr

My STBEXAW always threw out the empty bottles but she was a master at hiding the full one's.

Her drinking started out being at night when I was asleep. Slowly progressed into all the time. My guess is this is just the beginning and the drinking will get much worse unless he completely stops now.

Bekindalways

Hi Kach and welcome to the Soberrecovery.

The best thing you can do for your husband, yourself and your children is to avoid "helping" your husband and do what you can for yourself. This is very counter-intuitive and essential to recovery for your husband. We say "stick to your side of the street."; for most of us this is super difficult.

You might try an Alanon meeting. Also look for the book Codependent No More.

CoParentToA

I remember the night I came home to my two babies asleep and my husband so passed out I could not wake him. It occurred to me then that there was no way he would have been aware if one of the kids had woken up crying or sick.

Years later, my son had an accident. My by-then ex-husband told me he took my son to the ER, but he must have been too drunk to drive - so he didn't. Thank god my son was OK, but he has a big scar to show for the missed ER trip.

A year after that, the nanny walked into his place around 10 am and found him still too drunk to care for the kids.

Your job is not to worry about making his condition "worse." First, realistically that's not really possible. But more importantly, he's an adult and is responsible for himself.

Your focus needs to be on protecting your children, who cannot fend for themselves.

I took a number of steps to protect the children after our divorce that made him angry, but I told myself, if something happens to them while he is drinking he will NEVER forgive himself and he will NEVER recover. (Not to mention how I would feel.) That helped me to be comfortable with every step I took.

kach720

Thank you for the resources. I'm going to download some al anon books tonight. I asked him to give me some space today to wrap my mind around this tailspin. He did ask me to find the schedule for the local AA meetings. He said he's going to one tomorrow. Feels like he's headed in the right direction but only time will tell. Once again thank you all so much for the info, insight and helping me try to put some of the pieces together.

Bekindalways

Good on ya Kach.

Hope you find help in these resources. You are not the first to walk this path.

pndm07

Many of us have learned the hard way when it comes to leaving our kids' care in the hands of someone who is potentially under the influence. I almost had a heart attack last month when my xAH, who had just gotten off a major alcohol relapse, started taking anti anxiety meds. I needed him to watch our 7 y/o son one day while he wasn't at school and I was at work. He disappeared for a few hours and didn't answer his phone and I honestly can say that those were the worst hours of my life. Turns out he took our son to his mothers' house and had her watch our son while he slept off his meds. Until I knew everything was ok it was a nightmare and I wouldn't wish that on any parent. I know now never to entrust him alone with my son, even if that means going to great lengths and inconveniences. I would ask someone else to be around if he is with the kids. Your peace of mind and their well being is the most important thing.

timetohealguy

My ex used to hide empty bottles of alcohol too.

Like many sober spouses do , I used to cook most of our meals for us, so I was always working in the kitchen. Yet at one point she was inexplicably hiding empty wine bottles in the refrigerator ! She would lay empty wine bottles on their side in the back of the refrigerator thinking I would not find them. I'd open the refrigerator to prepare a meal, pull something out of the refrigerator and find an empty wine bottle hidden behind it.

I have read a few accounts of male drinkers hiding their alcohol and empty bottles in the garage or in a toolbox - somewhere they think their wife would not look for alcohol.

Many times if I went to the toilet or was on the phone, I would hear the sound of glass bottles "tink, tink, tink" as she would do a run to the trash with a bag of empty glass bottles, thinking I would not notice.

Something to also look out for is that in some countries they sell wine in boxes like this but in smaller pack sizes ...

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Bladder_pack.JPG

The silver bladder is flexible and can be removed from the box and then it can be hidden virtually anywhere especially if not completely full - it can be stuffed into a handbag or even hidden under clothing.

timetohealguy

I found some old credit card paperwork of my ex's tonight when I was clearing out some old storage boxes. On the paperwork were many purchases at the local liquor store. The times were interesting - some were before 11AM. I was working the night shift so this would have been when I was asleep in the morning. I often wondered why on some mornings she was in such a bad mood when I woke up !

I grabbed my old daily journal and looked at the days there were multiple purchases at the liquor store on the card paperwork. Predictably these were the same days as some of her worst behavior and most serious drinking incidents.

timetohealguy

Hi Kach,

I found this video series pretty useful to help me try to understand my ex's drinking ...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...r-alcohol.html

abp280

My AH used to hide his vodka bottles. When I found them it was heartbreaking. He too said he wouldn't do it anymore but that did not happen. The disease makes them incapable of being truthful.

marie1960

I won't do it anymore.

Sitting here shaking my head, not believing that for one iota of a second.