Strange mix of emotions

Old 10-18-2016, 10:29 AM
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Strange mix of emotions

The fall has been tough for me, as I knew it would. It was a time where a lot of our big stuff happened, and I just love all the colors.

I see the trees and for a brief second I feel such happiness and enjoy the beauty, but then it turns to pain and I feel sad. It's a strange mixture of wanting to enjoy the colors but feeling like I shouldn't be able to... like I would enjoy them so much more if he was with me, and he's not with me because I pushed him away. Logically I know I wouldn't enjoy them more, I don't think I could even relate to him at this point, but my feelings are still tied into my idealization of who I thought he was. I can remember other times I felt this disappointed in someone, and it was in my A mother.

I hate alcohol so much. I can't believe how much of a negative effect it's had on my life. I can't think about it too much or it makes me angry and very sad for all the things I've missed. The depth of what I've lost now and since my childhood is hard to process.

I thought I had it all, I really did. I thought I was on my way to a loving family with the white picket fence.

This level of grief is soo deep. I'm having flashbacks of stuffing my sadness and tears inside as a kid. I remember feeling like I couldn't cry. I kept so many things inside that even now writing this out feels like I'm betraying my family. I'll never understand why we couldn't talk about it when we had the chance. Before things became estranged and years went by. I just realized that the last four times I saw exA had a drink in hand for three of them. The one time he didn't was because we were in a church although I'm sure he had a flask. I know I'm doing the right thing but damn it's hard
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Old 10-18-2016, 10:53 AM
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The ending of my relationship that got me there happened late August/early September.

I am sorry you are feeling this way, but I see so much of my own experience in what you are posting.

I am originally from New England and fall is my favorite time of year. I live out west and have for 18 years (which I LOVE every other weather condition). The ONLY year I did not get homesick in the fall was the year my breakup happened. I just did not have room.

Part of how I knew I was getting better was when I could appreciate a fall day, or a sunset, or birds singing. The fact that you can even see the leaves is further along then I was at this stage of things.
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Old 10-18-2016, 11:59 AM
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Originally Posted by Expanding View Post
... like I would enjoy them so much more if he was with me, and he's not with me because I pushed him away.
I just want to reword this for you.

"... like I would enjoy them so much more if he was with me, and he's not, because he chooses to drink. And I don't miss the man he is, I miss the man I wish he was."

And I think it would be good to add...

"Someday when I'm ready, if I want to, I will find a man who CAN be what I truly want. And it will be so much better than I ever imagined or have experienced."

Self-talk really matters.

It gets better. Hugs.
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Old 10-18-2016, 12:53 PM
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Thank you for the reminder you are absolutely correct
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Old 10-18-2016, 02:52 PM
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you might want to check out the pages on Healing the Inner Child on this site by Robert Burney: Inner Child Healing - a path to freedom, serenity, and empowerment

actually there is a TON of good stuff in there!

"It is through healing our inner child, our inner children, by grieving the wounds that we suffered, that we can change our behavior patterns and clear our emotional process. We can release the grief with its pent-up rage, shame, terror, and pain from those feeling places which exist within us."

"Because of our broken hearts, our emotional wounds, and our scrambled minds, our subconscious programming, what the disease of Codependence causes us to do is abandon ourselves. It causes the abandonment of self, the abandonment of our own inner child - and that inner child is the gateway to our channel to the Higher Self.

The one who betrayed us and abandoned and abused us the most was ourselves. That is how the emotional defense system that is Codependence works. The battle cry of Codependence is "I'll show you - I'll get me.""

"We need to rescue and nurture and Love our inner children - and STOP them from controlling our lives. STOP them from driving the bus! Children are not supposed to drive, they are not supposed to be in control.

And they are not supposed to be abused and abandoned. We have been doing it backwards. We abandoned and abused our inner children. Locked them in a dark place within us. And at the same time let the children drive the bus - let the children's wounds dictate our lives."

"It is necessary to own and honor the child who we were in order to Love the person we are. And the only way to do that is to own that child's experiences, honor that child's feelings, and release the emotional grief energy that we are still carrying around."

(Quotations in this color are from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney)
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Old 10-18-2016, 08:07 PM
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Big hug to you Expanding.

It is indeed hard and maybe worse in the fall when cold weather is coming and something in us wants someone warm and safe to snuggle down with for the winter - irk!
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Old 10-19-2016, 12:03 AM
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I am right there with you, Expanding. This time last year I was still in the honeymoon stage with who I thought was the love of my life. I have so many amazing memories, every thought seems to circle back to, "God, last year we were SO good, and about to spend the weekend/holiday/etc doing XYZ". Shortly after the first of the year he stopped being able to hide his binges from me, and the space between them became less and less until he was disappearing for days at a time, standing me up for dates to go to the bars, I could go on and's hard to believe it was the same person. And even though I know that I am better off not continuing life with him, the pain stings and the sadness is tangible. I'm trying my best to get through this and be strong, taking it day by day. Most days are getting better, but some days I cry my eyes out when I get home from work and an especially triggering song comes on. I just hope and pray thatwe can both get to the other side of this and get past the pain. Never in my life have I ever understood more, "sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same." Sending lots of good thoughts your way.
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