So angry, but still feel responsible
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So angry, but still feel responsible
My Abf is about 5 days sober after his last binge which was as severe as they typically are. Throughout this relationship, particularly in the last year, these binges have hurt me tremendously. Not only does he turn into a different person when he is gone, but he disrespects me and my boundaries for when he does go off the rails and usually leaves my life in shambles each time he returns.
The insanity of this all if it weren't enough that I go back each time I promise I wont, is the fact that even after he hurts me and I'm still reeling from the effects of his tornado, I still feel like I need to be a good girlfriend to him. In the last 12 months he also carried on an affair and lied to me numerous times. He wasn't drunk the whole time so the alcohol isn't an excuse for his cheating. But he was in "dry drunk" mode. At any rate, even through all this and the havoc he has wreaked in my life, when he bounces back after each binge - I still feel this maddening pressure from myself to make sure I am being good to him. If I don't, even knowing I have every right to be angry, I feel guilty.
I understand I have major codependency issues - but it just puzzles me that I experience feelings of guilt when I show him my anger or detachment despite it being a very natural thing after one has experienced the trauma of life with an A.
The insanity of this all if it weren't enough that I go back each time I promise I wont, is the fact that even after he hurts me and I'm still reeling from the effects of his tornado, I still feel like I need to be a good girlfriend to him. In the last 12 months he also carried on an affair and lied to me numerous times. He wasn't drunk the whole time so the alcohol isn't an excuse for his cheating. But he was in "dry drunk" mode. At any rate, even through all this and the havoc he has wreaked in my life, when he bounces back after each binge - I still feel this maddening pressure from myself to make sure I am being good to him. If I don't, even knowing I have every right to be angry, I feel guilty.
I understand I have major codependency issues - but it just puzzles me that I experience feelings of guilt when I show him my anger or detachment despite it being a very natural thing after one has experienced the trauma of life with an A.
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I understand. I grew up with guilt over everything, it is not an easy thing to change.
What I can tell you is, you deserve better than you are settling for, and your guilt is the foundation of that. Your inability to put your own needs and feelings first is not going to be limited to this one person, even if you somehow do manage to break free of this relationship. I can't remember, have you ever been in therapy of any kind?
What I can tell you is, you deserve better than you are settling for, and your guilt is the foundation of that. Your inability to put your own needs and feelings first is not going to be limited to this one person, even if you somehow do manage to break free of this relationship. I can't remember, have you ever been in therapy of any kind?
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Yeah, we were taught that we should feel bad for feeling bad. Like, if you are sad or angry - you go to your room and you don't come out until you are happy, or you'll be given something to feel sad about.
It's really really hard to learn to nurture yourself when guilt overtakes any NATURAL emotion. You can pay attention to your self talk, and then change it. Really listen to what your inner voice is telling you. Some will be positive and reinforcing. Some will be negative and degrading. That one right there is our sickness, and we have to work really hard to 1 - identify it, and 2 - squash it and replace it with the healthy us.
Journaling helped me. Writing down my stronger feelings - the good ones and the bad ones to see what triggered them. Then logically thinking - should this make me so happy or so sad. Then I can see if my good or bad feeling was due to something real, or if it was something I was doing to myself. That led me to paying attention to my self talk. Man - I could and still can be SO criticizing and judgmental of myself! When I recognize negative self talk, I can change it. I can be the 'parent' to myself, and tell myself that it's ok to feel that way. I can nurture and be good to myself, and it will pass. The guilt and negative self talk dwindles as we get healthier.
Conquering codependency and Shame was a great book that helped me a lot. And there are some fantastic articles on "Self Parenting" here on SR> You can start them here: Self-Parenting Series: Understanding Your Inner Dialogue
You SEE that the guilt is irrational, and that is half the battle!
It's really really hard to learn to nurture yourself when guilt overtakes any NATURAL emotion. You can pay attention to your self talk, and then change it. Really listen to what your inner voice is telling you. Some will be positive and reinforcing. Some will be negative and degrading. That one right there is our sickness, and we have to work really hard to 1 - identify it, and 2 - squash it and replace it with the healthy us.
Journaling helped me. Writing down my stronger feelings - the good ones and the bad ones to see what triggered them. Then logically thinking - should this make me so happy or so sad. Then I can see if my good or bad feeling was due to something real, or if it was something I was doing to myself. That led me to paying attention to my self talk. Man - I could and still can be SO criticizing and judgmental of myself! When I recognize negative self talk, I can change it. I can be the 'parent' to myself, and tell myself that it's ok to feel that way. I can nurture and be good to myself, and it will pass. The guilt and negative self talk dwindles as we get healthier.
Conquering codependency and Shame was a great book that helped me a lot. And there are some fantastic articles on "Self Parenting" here on SR> You can start them here: Self-Parenting Series: Understanding Your Inner Dialogue
You SEE that the guilt is irrational, and that is half the battle!
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
Your inability to put your own needs and feelings first is not going to be limited to this one person, even if you somehow do manage to break free of this relationship. I can't remember, have you ever been in therapy of any kind?
Exactly a week ago yesterday I was alone and garbage bagging all the household products in my home to haul out to the trunk of my car in the middle of the night so he couldn't get into them. I was exhausted and frazzled as he lay passed out on the couch. Yet yesterday instead of remembering that I deserved this rest - I found myself jumping up to tend to him. That's what troubles me the most, that I felt compelled.
I see my therapist again tomorrow and will keep up with Alanon, something I tend to only do when in crisis mode when he is binging.
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That is wonderful advice firebolt! Thank you so very much for your wise words. And you are correct - writing it down really does help because it makes it real and you can physically see how silly it is to feel guilty for feeling angry at someone you have every right to feel angry toward.
When I write out what has happened and what he has done, it makes it easier to be good to myself.
When I write out what has happened and what he has done, it makes it easier to be good to myself.
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Smarie...I was going to ask the same question that sparkleKitty asked.....
Are you learning about co-dependency? Have you read "Co-dependent No More?"
Have y ou ever gone to a support group...such as alanon or co-Dependents Anonomyous?
I would say that, to help yourself cope with this,,,that you consider aligning yourself with your own individual therapist and commit to the therapy.
I think the guilt feeling is c ommon...although it is almost always misguided.
I think that, ,amy times, people stay in dysfunctional relationships because they are too afraid to face the natural pain that is involved in breakups. They can't stand the idea that they may be the cause o f someone else's pain---even to the point of ignoring their own pain...and their own welfare.
As a result, they may stay, for years in a bad relationship...that is bad for both parties, even.
One has to be able to tolerate the short-term pain for the long term gain. (I preach this all the time)...lol....
Honestly, Smarie, if you can't come to accept that there is going to be breakup pain for both of you...and, be willing to shoulder the pain....I fear that you will forever remain "stuck" in this relationship. And..he will never have the motivation to get himself better. (You know that you can't get him better--ever).
the short-term pain of a breakup (weeks to about a year) will finally fade and you will heal. If you stay in a dysfunctional relationship...the pain goes o n forever...and, it just gets worse over time.
How do you want to be feeling, this time, next year? The choice is in your hands.....
Are you learning about co-dependency? Have you read "Co-dependent No More?"
Have y ou ever gone to a support group...such as alanon or co-Dependents Anonomyous?
I would say that, to help yourself cope with this,,,that you consider aligning yourself with your own individual therapist and commit to the therapy.
I think the guilt feeling is c ommon...although it is almost always misguided.
I think that, ,amy times, people stay in dysfunctional relationships because they are too afraid to face the natural pain that is involved in breakups. They can't stand the idea that they may be the cause o f someone else's pain---even to the point of ignoring their own pain...and their own welfare.
As a result, they may stay, for years in a bad relationship...that is bad for both parties, even.
One has to be able to tolerate the short-term pain for the long term gain. (I preach this all the time)...lol....
Honestly, Smarie, if you can't come to accept that there is going to be breakup pain for both of you...and, be willing to shoulder the pain....I fear that you will forever remain "stuck" in this relationship. And..he will never have the motivation to get himself better. (You know that you can't get him better--ever).
the short-term pain of a breakup (weeks to about a year) will finally fade and you will heal. If you stay in a dysfunctional relationship...the pain goes o n forever...and, it just gets worse over time.
How do you want to be feeling, this time, next year? The choice is in your hands.....
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Originally Posted by Smarie78
something I tend to only do when in crisis mode when he is binging.
In reality, that's when we really NEED to keep our commitment to ourselves; that's when we show ourselves that we care, love & respect ourselves enough to make our needs a priority. Over the long term this goes a long, long way toward building self-trust & self-love.
And with an active drinker you are never out of crisis, you just start thinking of the non-crisis times as "normal".... they rarely qualify as a Normie's definition of "normal".
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
not to beat a dead horse, but i thought you kicked him OUT? as in no longer staying there? until you take that step and uphold your own boundaries, the merry go round will never stop.
He is in a sober period and back to thinking he is the world's best boyfriend, but I still want him to leave. I use to be scared of him leaving because I was afraid to lose him or what I thought was "love". Now I am more afraid of losing myself and know I can handle the short term breakup pain as long-term will be much, much worse. I've never felt more certain that I do not want this relationship to continue, yet I feel paralyzed in taking action.
I'm just struggling with finding strength that has seemed to chip away.
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When I was in therapy trying to find the strength to leave my husband (who actually was a functional A, I just didn't realize it at the time), my therapist told me:
"Guilt is a valuable emotional to have as a diagnostic - but it is never, ever a good reason to act."
Every time I found myself trying to make a decision, I had to ask myself if guilt was present and pushing me one way or another. If I could isolate guilt's role - and usually I could - I had a much better chance of weighing my options without its weight.
"Guilt is not a good reason to act" became the mantra which ultimately gave me the strength to leave.
"Guilt is a valuable emotional to have as a diagnostic - but it is never, ever a good reason to act."
Every time I found myself trying to make a decision, I had to ask myself if guilt was present and pushing me one way or another. If I could isolate guilt's role - and usually I could - I had a much better chance of weighing my options without its weight.
"Guilt is not a good reason to act" became the mantra which ultimately gave me the strength to leave.
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would it help to think of his current phase as NOT DRINKING RIGHT NOW rather than SOBER? you don't think he was able to sense you were on the verge of giving him the boot and "miraculously" sobered up? he really is playing you well. read that again, he is PLAYING you. BIG time.
you see this helpless little boy, he sees an ATM machine. and laundry service. sorry if that's harsh.
you see this helpless little boy, he sees an ATM machine. and laundry service. sorry if that's harsh.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
you see this helpless little boy, he sees an ATM machine. and laundry service. sorry if that's harsh.
You are not harsh. I am aware and none of this comes as a surprise.
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I know that you are an intelligent woman, Smarie. I have every faith that you will one day truly realize that you are worth far better treatment...from any man in your life and from yourself.
It is interesting that, just like an addict or alcoholic, you will only change your actions when you are ready. That is what this codependent dance is like. Keep asking questions, working your own program, and venting here. It helped me. I hope it has been helping you, too.
It is interesting that, just like an addict or alcoholic, you will only change your actions when you are ready. That is what this codependent dance is like. Keep asking questions, working your own program, and venting here. It helped me. I hope it has been helping you, too.
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Smarie,
The truth hurts and what Anvil is saying is spot on. Today abf is sober, until the next time. He knows that he needs to settle things down before you kick him out. This is only a matter of time as unless he is working a program, white knuckling it just doesn't cut it, he is an alcoholic.
At some point you will realize that we all need to take care of ourselves. You are not responsible to feed him, clothe him, keep a roof over his head, and everything else this grown man should be doing for himself. The good thing is that you are reaching out for support. At some point you will get sick and tired of this and kick him out. You need to be strong enough to follow through with it, so take your time.
If you question your behavior with him, do nothing and say nothing. There is a saying in alanon, "when in doubt, dont". If you become weak around him, don't say anything or do anything. Walk a way from him. Your silence is saying enough where normally you would tell him that things will be "ok".
Stick with us Smarie..... you can do this!!
The truth hurts and what Anvil is saying is spot on. Today abf is sober, until the next time. He knows that he needs to settle things down before you kick him out. This is only a matter of time as unless he is working a program, white knuckling it just doesn't cut it, he is an alcoholic.
At some point you will realize that we all need to take care of ourselves. You are not responsible to feed him, clothe him, keep a roof over his head, and everything else this grown man should be doing for himself. The good thing is that you are reaching out for support. At some point you will get sick and tired of this and kick him out. You need to be strong enough to follow through with it, so take your time.
If you question your behavior with him, do nothing and say nothing. There is a saying in alanon, "when in doubt, dont". If you become weak around him, don't say anything or do anything. Walk a way from him. Your silence is saying enough where normally you would tell him that things will be "ok".
Stick with us Smarie..... you can do this!!
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what would you do with your "free" time if he was not around? when we stay in less than optimal situations, we do because there is SOME type of pay off.......digging down into your personal pay off may help.
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"proclaiming his love and obsession of me, constantly"........
I'll bet that is the crux of the attraction, right there.
The attraction is the sound of those words.
Empty words...so easily whispered in the night.
All Form, but no Substance.
No need to even prove them...because the nectar of the sound is soo sweet....that they are hypnotizing, in themselves.
To a starving person, even crumbs are delicious.....and, he looks forward to those crumbs as if they were a banquet.....
I'll bet that is the crux of the attraction, right there.
The attraction is the sound of those words.
Empty words...so easily whispered in the night.
All Form, but no Substance.
No need to even prove them...because the nectar of the sound is soo sweet....that they are hypnotizing, in themselves.
To a starving person, even crumbs are delicious.....and, he looks forward to those crumbs as if they were a banquet.....
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