figuring things out again now that he's sober .
Soinlove
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Midwest
Posts: 47
figuring things out again now that he's sober .
It's been almost 8 weeks since he made decision to become sober. At times it's been wonderful, I'm so proud of him.. He's focused, working hard, attending meetings & in a very good place.
On the other hand, the occurrence that took place ( binge weekend, which resulted in a 4 day hospital stay)that spurred this most recent life change decision - I had changed- I wasn't angry, I was sad, but knew what was going on..& was glad he came home & gladly took him to hospital .. But I'd changed, I think they call it " detaching". Ever since, I notice within myself that I'm not as involved/invested, I'm not sure of the right word.
Now to be fair to him, I've had my own share of things going on too that I'm dealing with.. Teenage kids, ex's, my own anxiety& still recovering from the death of my father.
But I'm worried, is this normal to go thru this? I know I truly honestly love him& I'm commited to him,I'm just scared that my more reserved feelings will stay this way-- & I don't like the idea of that.
Advice, suggestions ?
On the other hand, the occurrence that took place ( binge weekend, which resulted in a 4 day hospital stay)that spurred this most recent life change decision - I had changed- I wasn't angry, I was sad, but knew what was going on..& was glad he came home & gladly took him to hospital .. But I'd changed, I think they call it " detaching". Ever since, I notice within myself that I'm not as involved/invested, I'm not sure of the right word.
Now to be fair to him, I've had my own share of things going on too that I'm dealing with.. Teenage kids, ex's, my own anxiety& still recovering from the death of my father.
But I'm worried, is this normal to go thru this? I know I truly honestly love him& I'm commited to him,I'm just scared that my more reserved feelings will stay this way-- & I don't like the idea of that.
Advice, suggestions ?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Now to be fair to him, I've had my own share of things going on too that I'm dealing with.. Teenage kids, ex's, my own anxiety& still recovering from the death of my father.
isn't that quite a LOT for you to deal with? how about be fair to yourself? the world doesn't hit pause so HE can recover.....anymore than it paused while you dealt with everything.
curious how much sympathy and support he is showing YOU right now? is it 50/50.....?
isn't that quite a LOT for you to deal with? how about be fair to yourself? the world doesn't hit pause so HE can recover.....anymore than it paused while you dealt with everything.
curious how much sympathy and support he is showing YOU right now? is it 50/50.....?
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Sounds like you are going through a lot, plus having to deal with his addiction. Sounds like you could use a retreat or something just for your own good. Give yourself plenty of time to grieve, if possible. Many people either don't let themselves grieve completely or are not able to really take the time, for whatever reason. Hang in there. You've got a lot on your plate right now. We get it. Sometimes we have to detach for our own good.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
sil, I think your detachment, if you can call it that, is just right for you, who has a lot to deal with, and for your A it's probably the right approach as well.
He needs to do this without you hovering anxiously. I bet he took your lack of anger as a sign that it was getting very serious.
He needs to do this without you hovering anxiously. I bet he took your lack of anger as a sign that it was getting very serious.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
soinlove.....I think that being able to detach from the alcoholics in our life is equal to survival for us.....
Moreover, it seems that most p eople describe the early recovery period as just as difficult, if not more so, than the original drinking period, for the loved one.
Moreover, it seems that most p eople describe the early recovery period as just as difficult, if not more so, than the original drinking period, for the loved one.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear SIL
This brings back memories.
When my Father died, I informed him the next morning. When my Mother died, I informed him the next morning.
When I was losing my house, he acted like it was a complete surprise to him, even though I had been telling him how bad things were for months. At that point, he suggested we "go our separate ways." He let me move in with him. We lasted another 2 years.
In hindsight, I dealt with these major life issues ALL BY MYSELF, even while I was with someone.
Do I believe he did the best he was capable of? Yes.
Maybe the scenario you describe is workable for you, maybe not. Best of luck to you!
This brings back memories.
When my Father died, I informed him the next morning. When my Mother died, I informed him the next morning.
When I was losing my house, he acted like it was a complete surprise to him, even though I had been telling him how bad things were for months. At that point, he suggested we "go our separate ways." He let me move in with him. We lasted another 2 years.
In hindsight, I dealt with these major life issues ALL BY MYSELF, even while I was with someone.
Do I believe he did the best he was capable of? Yes.
Maybe the scenario you describe is workable for you, maybe not. Best of luck to you!
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