Fed up of trying to help, would it be bad if I disowned my brother?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Glasgow
Posts: 4
Fed up of trying to help, would it be bad if I disowned my brother?
So I am coming to the end of my tether with my brother. I physically and emotionally cannot help anymore, I'm only 22 and my brothers problems are completely consuming my own life when I should be in my prime, I can't even enjoy a night out with friends without phoning my parents to make sure everything's ok. This has been on and off for years, however each relapse gets worse. There has been progress with my brother over the last week, and he was doing fantastic, and actually at one point refusing to even drink his beer which we give as advised by the doctor. He has been kicked out and lives in a homeless shelter, but now comes over to our house each evening and my mothers in the day, he is completely consuming our life. I want my brother to get better, of course I do but I've done absolutely everything I can do as a brother to help, I've went to his addiction meetings, I've spent hours talking to him how he is better than this, but it just seems like it's going in one ear and out the other, I get impression with his tone that he really does not care what impact his behaviour is having on us as a family. He has a schedule atm of drinking 6 cans of beer which will go down to 5 then 4 and so on, however he broke his schedule last night by sneaking drink at the homeless shelter and came to our house last night when he was drunk. I feel naive to think he was completely cured, I understand that this is a long process, but I can't cope myself with this, I am suffering with anxiety now and find it difficult to go to work as well, what would you do? I am seriously considering about just cutting ties now, but feel guilty of even having this thought.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, MarkM1. Welcome to Sober Recovery. I often feel like disowning my alcohol-dependent brother, too. Alas, I can't. He lives with my mother and I don't want to disown her. Would you be open to attending or visiting online Al-Anon meetings? Al-Anon is a support group for people troubled by loved one's drinking. There are meetings all over the country, different days of the week and different times. There is a lot of support and wisdom in the Al-Anon rooms. Knowing that there are others who struggle withe same issues you are can be very empowering. You can, hopefully, learn to put your family's challenges in perspective. Good luck. Peace.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You absolutely can cut ties with your brother--temporarily, long-term, or forever. There is no shame in taking any action that protects you. As you've seen, your efforts to help him don't really help. He's not committed to staying sober, and until that happens your efforts are wasted.
The problem may be navigating this while maintaining a relationship with your parents. I think you and your family would benefit greatly from Al-Anon in terms of recovering from the effects of living with his drinking, and learning to make healthy boundaries.
Welcome, glad you're here.
The problem may be navigating this while maintaining a relationship with your parents. I think you and your family would benefit greatly from Al-Anon in terms of recovering from the effects of living with his drinking, and learning to make healthy boundaries.
Welcome, glad you're here.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
I talk and interact with my brother only occasionally. It's mainly to be civil for family occasions. As we got older I realized we have different philosophies on life. He's free to live his life. I am free to live my life and reach my goals which unfortunately do not include my brother. I have to set boundries and stay in my hoola hoop when I do have to be around him.
Once in a while I fantasize about what ifs but they are not realities. We will always be siblings but we don't have to have a relationship.
Once in a while I fantasize about what ifs but they are not realities. We will always be siblings but we don't have to have a relationship.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
I do not interact with my brother other then to be polite if he happens to come in the house when I am at my mum's.
He has addiction and behavioral issues that are frustrating and angering to me so I choose not to allow his influence into my life.
We are adults, but we've never really been friends. Less and less so the older we get. (We are now in our 40s) Just because we are related does not mean we have to be n each other's lives. That's a fallacy far to many people fall for.
Try looking at it this way: Imagine you just met the guy today, and you weren't related to him, is he a person you'd want to be spending any time around? Would you be going out of your way to cultivate a friendship or lend a hand?
He has addiction and behavioral issues that are frustrating and angering to me so I choose not to allow his influence into my life.
We are adults, but we've never really been friends. Less and less so the older we get. (We are now in our 40s) Just because we are related does not mean we have to be n each other's lives. That's a fallacy far to many people fall for.
Try looking at it this way: Imagine you just met the guy today, and you weren't related to him, is he a person you'd want to be spending any time around? Would you be going out of your way to cultivate a friendship or lend a hand?
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
If it wasn't for my nieces, I would most likely go no contact with my sister. She's been using something or other since her teens. We're in our forties now.
She has endured a lot of pain, but she has also inflicted a lot of pain on others as well. She won't acknowledge what she's done; I think that's because she fears that the recognition of her actions would horrify her so much she wouldn't be able to live with herself. However, she continues to live in her own denial and ties the blindfold even tighter around her head.
You have spent a considerable amount of time and energy trying to be there for your brother, but if your brother doesn't make his own effort to grab the lifeline there is nothing you can do. You can even risk your own life, jump into the water, and tie the lifeline around him, but if all he does is stick his face in the ocean your efforts will be worthless. And that is a recipe for resentment.
My parents used to call me whenever they had an altercation with her, they would even call me at work to talk about it (until I finally stamped my foot down and one of my co-workers started clapping loud enough so they could hear it), but I've become much better about not getting involved. I've told them in no uncertain terms that any conflict with my sister needs to be addressed with her, not with me.
If other people tell me that I should take care of my sister, I tell them they are more than welcome to provide her food, shelter, and her retirement fund. My priority is to make sure that her children are safe; my efforts are better spent there. It's not because I think they're better people than my sister, it's because I know there's a stronger likelihood that the energy spent there will lead to actual positive results.
Still, it's tough. I'm jealous of functional families.
She has endured a lot of pain, but she has also inflicted a lot of pain on others as well. She won't acknowledge what she's done; I think that's because she fears that the recognition of her actions would horrify her so much she wouldn't be able to live with herself. However, she continues to live in her own denial and ties the blindfold even tighter around her head.
You have spent a considerable amount of time and energy trying to be there for your brother, but if your brother doesn't make his own effort to grab the lifeline there is nothing you can do. You can even risk your own life, jump into the water, and tie the lifeline around him, but if all he does is stick his face in the ocean your efforts will be worthless. And that is a recipe for resentment.
My parents used to call me whenever they had an altercation with her, they would even call me at work to talk about it (until I finally stamped my foot down and one of my co-workers started clapping loud enough so they could hear it), but I've become much better about not getting involved. I've told them in no uncertain terms that any conflict with my sister needs to be addressed with her, not with me.
If other people tell me that I should take care of my sister, I tell them they are more than welcome to provide her food, shelter, and her retirement fund. My priority is to make sure that her children are safe; my efforts are better spent there. It's not because I think they're better people than my sister, it's because I know there's a stronger likelihood that the energy spent there will lead to actual positive results.
Still, it's tough. I'm jealous of functional families.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,546
i think your brother has a doctor who graduated in the bottom half of his class.
Why would he tell you to give your brother beer, when he doesn't live with you and you have no idea how much he drinks on his own?
This is enormously irresponsible.
Why would he tell you to give your brother beer, when he doesn't live with you and you have no idea how much he drinks on his own?
This is enormously irresponsible.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Mark,
Good for you for realizing what you and your family have been doing for yeas is just not working. Your brother is an addict and until people close their doors to him and he accepts that he has nothing left, he will not seek sobriety. We are all enablers in this game of addiction. We want to help our addicts, which in the long run just prolongs the inevitable.
I would highly recommend reading the stickies above about dealing with an addict. I agree with velma regarding his tapering off of his alcohol. You can go to the new to recovery forum and read how tapering and moderating just doesn't work when you are an addict
Our addicts groom us to get what they want. We are the codies that contribute to trying to make their lives better. Wanting sobriety is a one man team, not brothers, family, dr or therapists, just him alone. Till he realize that and he wants it, nothing will get him sober.
Keep reading, hit an alanon meeting or open aa meeting. Keep asking questions and you might find a little peace in your life. Sending hugs my friend, we do all understand on this forum.
Good for you for realizing what you and your family have been doing for yeas is just not working. Your brother is an addict and until people close their doors to him and he accepts that he has nothing left, he will not seek sobriety. We are all enablers in this game of addiction. We want to help our addicts, which in the long run just prolongs the inevitable.
I would highly recommend reading the stickies above about dealing with an addict. I agree with velma regarding his tapering off of his alcohol. You can go to the new to recovery forum and read how tapering and moderating just doesn't work when you are an addict
Our addicts groom us to get what they want. We are the codies that contribute to trying to make their lives better. Wanting sobriety is a one man team, not brothers, family, dr or therapists, just him alone. Till he realize that and he wants it, nothing will get him sober.
Keep reading, hit an alanon meeting or open aa meeting. Keep asking questions and you might find a little peace in your life. Sending hugs my friend, we do all understand on this forum.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
How are your parents' and your relationship around your Bro being the big pink elephant in the room everyone tiptoes around? I finally went NO CONTACT with my toxic sister but wasn't really able to until our last parent died.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Welcome to SR Mark. I am glad you found us.
Far from being bad, disowning your brother may be the best thing you can do for him and you. It is absolutely impossible to help an alcoholic. However you can help yourself by learning how to detach and put time and energy into things you can change which is yourself.
Keep reading and let us know how it goes.
Far from being bad, disowning your brother may be the best thing you can do for him and you. It is absolutely impossible to help an alcoholic. However you can help yourself by learning how to detach and put time and energy into things you can change which is yourself.
Keep reading and let us know how it goes.
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