Abf wants to join me at the bar?
 

My Abf is only 2 days sober after coming off a recent and very severe binge.

Pre-binge I invited him to a party that I was looking forward to attending tonight for a friend's birthday which is being held at a bar. I always make him aware beforehand that alcohol will be present at any potential events we attend. When he is in a period of sobriety our life is very normal, and while I avoid drinking around him, we still go places where alcohol is around.

Due to the nature of our relationship we don't often get to be around friends together so he was looking very forward to it as was I. What I didn't know of course was that it would coincide with the latest binge. Trying to maintain a level of normalcy and lift his depression, he wants to come with me tonight. I understand that it is his way of trying to get close to me and be near me again since I have become very detached from him just as progressively as he has been relapsing, but I don't think this is a good idea.
Do I think bringing him there will make him drink? No. But does it seem a little insane to head out to a bar together on a Friday night just 2 days sober? Yes. Before we met he spent Friday nights at meetings and going to dinner afterward with other RAs. To me, someone who is serious about their sobriety would be diving into that tonight, not hanging around a girlfriend who they just hurt very badly at a bar.

I get he wants normalcy so badly, especially now that everything is in shambles, but to me this would be enabling once again and sending the message that everything is fine and back to normal. Something that we keep doing and clearly isn't working.

Am I wrong on this??

Smarie...to my way of thinking, the most appropriate place for him to be on a Friday night is in an AA meeting and the fellowship of others who have sobriety as their top priority.
All the other excuses just underline that he is willing to put other things as a priority over his sobriety.
You can probably make a case for him that is about one hundred miles long about why going to the party would feel good to him tonight.
He is not your child that you are trying to make sure that he feels good inside....
He is an adult that needs to learn how to delay gratification when the stakes are high.

His decision, in the end, about what he wants to do--and the consequences are his to bear..whatever they might be....
Your decision to decide if you want to say yea or no...and the consequences of that are yours to bear, also....

***you can't block all pain from his life...no matter how hard you try...

Thank you Dandy. I so needed to hear this. Ironically tonight the party just got cancelled, but it really doesn't matter right? I needed to get my mind back into my own recovery because I already started feeling that internal conflict of making him feel better even if it meant letting him hang around me at a bar tonight. He can make his own decisions, but I need to make mine and put myself first. And that means enjoy an evening out (maybe I will make other plans now!) for myself that does not include making the A feel normal.

Nobody was helping me feel normal when I spent the week alone while he was drunk.

I understand your reasoning & yes, it's logical.... but we all know how far logic goes in dealing with addiction.

Truth is that it's entirely up to him to decide to go if he was invited individually - and if he goes but that makes you uncomfortable then you have the ability (control) to leave.

If he's only invited as your "plus one" then it's ok to disinvite him based on recent events, IMHO. You are allowed to set boundaries for yourself here & I think it's totally legit to not want to hang in a bar with a barely recovering addict. :hug:

With his history he KNOWS the best place for him on a Friday night following a relapse but it's still up to him to decide to walk through that door & become accountable.

We posted at the same time, lol.

YES, exactly!!!!! :scoregood

Not being snarky here but you need to remove the words.......not hanging around a girlfriend who they just hurt very badly.....from the above quote because really what it all comes down to is him and a bar.

And why does the girlfriend who he hurt very badly want to make it all smooth and nice for HIM? Your nice night out that you were looking forward to is now all clouded over with him and his issues not the kind of sorry or remorse on his part for hurting you badly.

No alcoholic should hang out in bars 2 days sober.

he doesn't want normalcy, he wants a g-damn DRINK. don't fool yourself. and don't pretend you two can be buddies and go places together.

No you are not wrong in this.

I know in my case, if I were in his shoes, a meeting and spending time with my AA friends would be the best thing I could be doing. Those things, along with working the AA program in my daily life, were my life preserver.

My first thought, before the party was cancelled, was whatever he wants to do he should do. Why? Because if he's going to relapse it would be easier for you to know it right away. Save you from months of tension.
I'm not in your shoes though, and I don't want to sound unsympathetic. I used to hate it when my Dad brought home beer because my parents would drink all night and it wasn't pretty. But I was a kid then and couldn't get away.