How do you let go of an active alcoholic?
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 89
How do you let go of an active alcoholic?
I have been lurking on this site and others for the past 3 months. This will be a short version of my story, but how do you let go of someone that you deeply love that is an active alcoholic? I had no idea what the impact of alcoholism was on a relationship. I have been living here 6 months. I do know, however, what impact being in an abusive 10 yr marriage to a "subtle" abusive narcissist and subsequent 1.5 year violently verbally abusive relationship are from my past.
I did not come into this relationship to change him or make him go into rehab. I only wanted to offer love and support to someone who has no close living family members that I care about deeply. I wanted to accept him as he is. He is intelligent, creative, hard working, highly attractive, and I admire him with all of my heart. My heart was fully open to this person, who was also a part of my past many years ago. To be fair, I had NO idea what the extent of his alcoholism was (all day beer buzz, every single day, to sometimes blackout drunk from whiskey). I had not idea what alcoholism was.
I do not understand the Jekyll and Hyde. Sometimes he is silly, fun drunk. This was the first person that I saw and just accepted it as it is. Sometimes he goes to blackout drunk even in this stage where he cannot remember what happened the night before (yet tells me that if I let him know what happened, he would remember and whatever he said was truth) . Then about a month into the relationship came the dark side. The hate in his eyes is absolutely terrifying. It is pure hate.
The verbal insults and mind games are twisting. I began researching how to live with an alcoholic online 3 months ago. I do not understand why I cannot be strong enough to deal with the verbal insults, which are not nearly as bad as what I have lived through in the past. They have triggered serious panic attacks thanks to my googling about alcoholism. The doctor has me on a benzo to cope, not my favorite thing to admit, but the panic attacks have become that debilitating. I feel as if I am weak and a failure. I have been going to local al-anon meetings for the past few weeks and to a therapist several times. I don't know how to make the decision. With winter coming and pets to move, I feel pressured to go one way or the other. I am lost. I feel as though I will be abandoning someone that I deeply love if I leave, but I feel if I stay I will only hurt him worse since he will never approve of me. I have told him this when he was "sober", if he ever really is.
I wrote a list out tonight of the hurtful things that he has said to me in the past 6 months. It made me cry. I have heard worse and have had worse done to me in my past, so some of it just seems almost trivial. A couple of days ago when we spoke, he wanted me to stay with him and "power through" it. He said that these past few months may just be a test of the hardest times (due to some major changes in both of our lives) and that things could be better for us. We can make a go of it and make it work.....failure is not an option. In part of our conversation he told me that he dropped friends who have been abusive to women. I chimed in that sometimes verbal is worse than physical (this I know from my own past). He had told me that words are just words and they only mean something at the time that the are said and that they don't matter (or something like that).
He says that he loves his buzz, loves the way that he is, and is set in his ways. He wants to make the most of life and to have fun. He says that it is too late for him to change and if he quits drinking/smoking/doing pain pills, he will probably die of cancer or something anyways, so why quit? He has suffered many losses in life, but so have I and I am sure so have those that are reading my post.
I have been told by him that I am naive and easily manipulated. I have been told that I am too sensitive. Yes, I am all of these things, it is just who I am. I am a highly caring person. I know that I am an empath, (and I believe a codependent from reading these forums.)
I have such a deep connection to him on so many levels. I dread that leaving is deserting him. I dread not having him around. We are already living apart and have been for the past few weeks. When I came here 6 months ago I figured, at my age (not going to divulge that), to give love one more chance. I feel broken.
Any input will be appreciated.
I did not come into this relationship to change him or make him go into rehab. I only wanted to offer love and support to someone who has no close living family members that I care about deeply. I wanted to accept him as he is. He is intelligent, creative, hard working, highly attractive, and I admire him with all of my heart. My heart was fully open to this person, who was also a part of my past many years ago. To be fair, I had NO idea what the extent of his alcoholism was (all day beer buzz, every single day, to sometimes blackout drunk from whiskey). I had not idea what alcoholism was.
I do not understand the Jekyll and Hyde. Sometimes he is silly, fun drunk. This was the first person that I saw and just accepted it as it is. Sometimes he goes to blackout drunk even in this stage where he cannot remember what happened the night before (yet tells me that if I let him know what happened, he would remember and whatever he said was truth) . Then about a month into the relationship came the dark side. The hate in his eyes is absolutely terrifying. It is pure hate.
The verbal insults and mind games are twisting. I began researching how to live with an alcoholic online 3 months ago. I do not understand why I cannot be strong enough to deal with the verbal insults, which are not nearly as bad as what I have lived through in the past. They have triggered serious panic attacks thanks to my googling about alcoholism. The doctor has me on a benzo to cope, not my favorite thing to admit, but the panic attacks have become that debilitating. I feel as if I am weak and a failure. I have been going to local al-anon meetings for the past few weeks and to a therapist several times. I don't know how to make the decision. With winter coming and pets to move, I feel pressured to go one way or the other. I am lost. I feel as though I will be abandoning someone that I deeply love if I leave, but I feel if I stay I will only hurt him worse since he will never approve of me. I have told him this when he was "sober", if he ever really is.
I wrote a list out tonight of the hurtful things that he has said to me in the past 6 months. It made me cry. I have heard worse and have had worse done to me in my past, so some of it just seems almost trivial. A couple of days ago when we spoke, he wanted me to stay with him and "power through" it. He said that these past few months may just be a test of the hardest times (due to some major changes in both of our lives) and that things could be better for us. We can make a go of it and make it work.....failure is not an option. In part of our conversation he told me that he dropped friends who have been abusive to women. I chimed in that sometimes verbal is worse than physical (this I know from my own past). He had told me that words are just words and they only mean something at the time that the are said and that they don't matter (or something like that).
He says that he loves his buzz, loves the way that he is, and is set in his ways. He wants to make the most of life and to have fun. He says that it is too late for him to change and if he quits drinking/smoking/doing pain pills, he will probably die of cancer or something anyways, so why quit? He has suffered many losses in life, but so have I and I am sure so have those that are reading my post.
I have been told by him that I am naive and easily manipulated. I have been told that I am too sensitive. Yes, I am all of these things, it is just who I am. I am a highly caring person. I know that I am an empath, (and I believe a codependent from reading these forums.)
I have such a deep connection to him on so many levels. I dread that leaving is deserting him. I dread not having him around. We are already living apart and have been for the past few weeks. When I came here 6 months ago I figured, at my age (not going to divulge that), to give love one more chance. I feel broken.
Any input will be appreciated.
Mr
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: FRANCE
Posts: 5,230
Hi olow and Welcome.
I read your post. My name is Vinny. Im from an alcoholic family im an alcoholic and my brother is an alcoholic. I have being trying for years to stop. My older brother say's exactly what you wrote : *"He says that it is too late for him to change and if he quits drinking/smoking/doing pain pills, he will probably die of cancer or something anyways, so why quit? He has suffered...." so like you there is love and alcohol. The last time my brother came to visit me in France I kicked him out. Now I talk to him occasionally by telephone.
You have to ask him one last time if he wants to stop and then make a decision for you. An alcoholic destroys everyone and everything around if they dont stop. There is no rock bottom....
You see like a lovely person.
Hope things work out.
Vinny
I read your post. My name is Vinny. Im from an alcoholic family im an alcoholic and my brother is an alcoholic. I have being trying for years to stop. My older brother say's exactly what you wrote : *"He says that it is too late for him to change and if he quits drinking/smoking/doing pain pills, he will probably die of cancer or something anyways, so why quit? He has suffered...." so like you there is love and alcohol. The last time my brother came to visit me in France I kicked him out. Now I talk to him occasionally by telephone.
You have to ask him one last time if he wants to stop and then make a decision for you. An alcoholic destroys everyone and everything around if they dont stop. There is no rock bottom....
You see like a lovely person.
Hope things work out.
Vinny
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Midwest
Posts: 120
Just because you've been in worse relationships doesn't make this one more worthy of your time. It is SO hard to make that decision to leave your mate alone. Trust me, I know. I also know there really isn't a perfect time to end a relationship, so you'll kind of just know/feel when enough is enough.
Take care of yourself. If you leave, he'll be alright. People are much more resourceful and resilient than we think they are.
Take care of yourself. If you leave, he'll be alright. People are much more resourceful and resilient than we think they are.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 158
Olow,
Thanks for sharing your story.
And re your question, first of all read as much as you can about alcoholism and inform yourself on how it affects everyone around the alcoholic. At some point you will begin to see things differently and realize that you are participating in a crazy play.
I don´t have a recipe to leave an active alcoholic but I can tell you my experience: at some point, when I really understood and was able to accept that I could not change my xabf, I began to see how he was using me. I could no longer sugarcoat his intentions nor ignore his increasingly abusive behavior. At that point, being with him became like a burden, but I was not willing to leave him because I felt somehow responsable for his wellbeing.
I considered all sort of schemes to get him into recovery because after all I did care for him. I felt that if I broke up with him I had to at least inform his family of the state he was in, etc. So you see, I still felt on some level that there was soemthing I had to do for him. At the same time, it was easier for me to put up boundaries with him - like I wouldn´t "lend" him money when he wanted a drink, etc. I tried carefully to talk to him about his drinking. But here´s the thing: when he realized I was not willing to be his enabler anymore he quickly put an end to our relationship. This was 7 months ago and I haven´t heard from him since. I´m certain I became a threat to him when he understood I wouldn´t turn a blind eye to his alcoholism.
Thanks for sharing your story.
And re your question, first of all read as much as you can about alcoholism and inform yourself on how it affects everyone around the alcoholic. At some point you will begin to see things differently and realize that you are participating in a crazy play.
I don´t have a recipe to leave an active alcoholic but I can tell you my experience: at some point, when I really understood and was able to accept that I could not change my xabf, I began to see how he was using me. I could no longer sugarcoat his intentions nor ignore his increasingly abusive behavior. At that point, being with him became like a burden, but I was not willing to leave him because I felt somehow responsable for his wellbeing.
I considered all sort of schemes to get him into recovery because after all I did care for him. I felt that if I broke up with him I had to at least inform his family of the state he was in, etc. So you see, I still felt on some level that there was soemthing I had to do for him. At the same time, it was easier for me to put up boundaries with him - like I wouldn´t "lend" him money when he wanted a drink, etc. I tried carefully to talk to him about his drinking. But here´s the thing: when he realized I was not willing to be his enabler anymore he quickly put an end to our relationship. This was 7 months ago and I haven´t heard from him since. I´m certain I became a threat to him when he understood I wouldn´t turn a blind eye to his alcoholism.
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
He says he is not going to change. At this point you have to decide whether or not you are willing to accept it. If not then you just need to cleanly make a break. For sure nothing will change without him dropping the alcohol and substances. If he is not willing to do that anything else he says is just lying to himself and you. I know this from having been in his shoes, but not yours.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
olow....there is a truism---"The abuser does not get to evaluate the pain that the victim feels".
If you deliberately drive away from a person, in the desert, and leave them without water and a cell phone---that is desertion.
Leaving someone who is hurting you and damaging you...and sucking the joy from your life, so that you cannot thrive or flourish, is not desertion...it is self preservation.
In life, we don't always get to keep the people that we "love".
Maybe, we can't stop the love feeling, (at least, not right away), but we can love from a distance. In fact, at times, it may be the only way to prevent them from destroying us....
If you deliberately drive away from a person, in the desert, and leave them without water and a cell phone---that is desertion.
Leaving someone who is hurting you and damaging you...and sucking the joy from your life, so that you cannot thrive or flourish, is not desertion...it is self preservation.
In life, we don't always get to keep the people that we "love".
Maybe, we can't stop the love feeling, (at least, not right away), but we can love from a distance. In fact, at times, it may be the only way to prevent them from destroying us....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
I do not understand why I cannot be strong enough to deal with the verbal insults, which are not nearly as bad as what I have lived through in the past.
WHAT??? ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This is _not_ ok! What is it in you that makes you think verbal abuse ok? The Jekyll & Hyde? That's part of his alcoholism. The Blackouts, alcoholism.
Sounds like he loves his _buzz_ as much as he loves you. PLEASE get some help for yourself. Read the stickies, get a therapist, get to Alanon. PLEASE. If this is what he's showing you 6 months in, I can guarantee you that it is going to be a very long and hurtful ride.
WHAT??? ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This is _not_ ok! What is it in you that makes you think verbal abuse ok? The Jekyll & Hyde? That's part of his alcoholism. The Blackouts, alcoholism.
Sounds like he loves his _buzz_ as much as he loves you. PLEASE get some help for yourself. Read the stickies, get a therapist, get to Alanon. PLEASE. If this is what he's showing you 6 months in, I can guarantee you that it is going to be a very long and hurtful ride.
Mr
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: FRANCE
Posts: 5,230
Originally Posted by atalose 
Never let someone who doesn’t know your value tell you how much you’re worth.
Sometimes holding onto someone who doesn’t want to be held is like hugging a cactus, the tighter you hold on the more its going to hurt.
Sometimes holding onto someone who doesn’t want to be held is like hugging a cactus, the tighter you hold on the more its going to hurt.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 89
Thank you all for your responses. I am becoming numb at this point. I feel as if I need to in order to try to detach. He put all sorts of dreams and promises of "us forever" in my head. Those are hard to let go of.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Hon,
Most of us on this forum had dreams and promises with our addicts. My "promise" went on for 34 years. That is way to long to be dragged by an addict.
One thing I learned in the doors of alanon, "we don't have to stop loving our addict". Everyone kept telling me I needed to detach and hate him and move on. After 34 years together that was virtually impossible for me to do, at that time.
One women came to a meeting and she told me that she divorced her husband, but still loved him.... I was like what.................... She said of course I still love him but I could no longer live with an addict. To me that was my light bulb moment. I knew at that time that I couldn't stop loving him, but that doesn't mean that I needed to keep living with him. That was when I finally accepted that I could do this. I divorced my ah, almost 2 years ago. I am doing so much better then him. I know that if I didn't move forward that I would still be living the hxll I had been for the 34 years.
Educate yourself about addiction, this is not a race. Take your time and figure out what you want in life. There is a lot of help on this forum, keep reaching out and asking the questions. We are all here for you my friend!!
Most of us on this forum had dreams and promises with our addicts. My "promise" went on for 34 years. That is way to long to be dragged by an addict.
One thing I learned in the doors of alanon, "we don't have to stop loving our addict". Everyone kept telling me I needed to detach and hate him and move on. After 34 years together that was virtually impossible for me to do, at that time.
One women came to a meeting and she told me that she divorced her husband, but still loved him.... I was like what.................... She said of course I still love him but I could no longer live with an addict. To me that was my light bulb moment. I knew at that time that I couldn't stop loving him, but that doesn't mean that I needed to keep living with him. That was when I finally accepted that I could do this. I divorced my ah, almost 2 years ago. I am doing so much better then him. I know that if I didn't move forward that I would still be living the hxll I had been for the 34 years.
Educate yourself about addiction, this is not a race. Take your time and figure out what you want in life. There is a lot of help on this forum, keep reaching out and asking the questions. We are all here for you my friend!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
Originally Posted by olow
Thank you all for your responses. I am becoming numb at this point. I feel as if I need to in order to try to detach. He put all sorts of dreams and promises of "us forever" in my head. Those are hard to let go of.
Keep learning and thinking about what you want for your one short precious life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by Bekindalways
Those dreams are so hard to let go of even when the A is acting out his forever commitment to drugs and alcohol.
Keep learning and thinking about what you want for your one short precious life.
Keep learning and thinking about what you want for your one short precious life.
I was blindsided by his first rage. His excuse the next day......that is what it is like living with an alcoholic. My response was that I had no idea. That was one month into the relationship. I went into denial after that until my panic attacks became severe after about 3 more months of the up and down personality changes. I could no longer ignore it since my ability to function was so impaired.
Yet, I still love him and want the best for him. I guess it is fair to say that I always will.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by Lilro
PLEASE get some help for yourself. Read the stickies, get a therapist, get to Alanon. PLEASE. If this is what he's showing you 6 months in, I can guarantee you that it is going to be a very long and hurtful ride.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
The hopes and dreams that we shared in the beginning (and what he still says that we can have) were what I was wanting for the rest of my life. I truly thought I had finally been blessed to have met the one person that I would spend the rest of my life with that wanted the same things as I did. We would say this to each other, even.
he told me that he dropped friends who have been abusive to women. I chimed in that sometimes verbal is worse than physical (this I know from my own past). He had told me that words are just words and they only mean something at the time that the are said and that they don't matter (or something like that).
all just words. what we recommend here is to turn down the sound, stop listening to the words, and just watch the actions. they will tell us the truth. the truth we might not want to see.
he told me that he dropped friends who have been abusive to women. I chimed in that sometimes verbal is worse than physical (this I know from my own past). He had told me that words are just words and they only mean something at the time that the are said and that they don't matter (or something like that).
all just words. what we recommend here is to turn down the sound, stop listening to the words, and just watch the actions. they will tell us the truth. the truth we might not want to see.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
Originally Posted by olow
I have been doing all of this for myself now. Therapist for the past month, Al-anon for the past month, and blowing up google researching and researching for the past 3 months. The google research is what helped to start the panic attacks, actually, because everything that I was reading was negative.
There are a few around here who decide to stay with their A's. I actually don't blame them as leaving my qualifier was beyond agonizing. It was pretty much like doing open heart surgery on myself without anesthesia. To answer your initial question of "How do you let go of an active alcoholic?", I actually left the Northern Hemisphere for six months. Thirty years later, I still speak relatively good Spanish because of that time (Hey! there is a silver lining to everything!)
We try to encourage people in these relationships to be kind to themselves. Eat well, get exercise, keep up outside friendships. You may not be ready to leave this man but no matter what happens, the more you can circle the wagons of support, friends and self-care the better.
Let us know how things go.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
Originally Posted by olow
I began researching how to live with an alcoholic online 3 months ago. I do not understand why I cannot be strong enough to deal with the verbal insults, which are not nearly as bad as what I have lived through in the past.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
what we recommend here is to turn down the sound, stop listening to the words, and just watch the actions. they will tell us the truth. the truth we might not want to see.
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,681
Hi olow, my dad was the drinker and my mum and the rest of us put up with his verbal abuse.
He was the nicest man when he was sober, funny, caring but as soon as he drank, god help us. I was only young and the words I heard, he was evil.
When you said his eyes looked evil, I just remembered 40 odd years ago.
I had all sorts of mental problems which didn't come out till later on in life, but I couldn't sleep until my dad was home and asleep, and decided that if I stay up and pretend I was interested in 'pot black' snooker programme on late at night we would watch it together I would turn the gas fire up high and hopefully he would fall asleep and I would then go to bed, knowing it would be a peaceful night.
Years later my dad thought I stayed up to be with him and watch snooker! I didn't burst his bubble.
If he drank in the afternoon I argued with him so he wouldn't pick on mum. Not about drinking but about anything. I just wanted to protect my mum from his abuse.
My mum stayed with him and when she died we found her diary saying she wished she had the strength to leave him, though she loved him.
I got to know my dad more later on and I loved him, he remarried and didn't drink as much as my step mum wouldn't put up with it. I don't think she suffered any abuse and I know she would not have out up with it, why would she have to.
So I understand Jekyll and Hyde, my dad was the master. So what did I do when I got of age, I drank, I became my dad I think, though I wasn't abusive, I was a drunk.
I'm sober now and I wonder why my husband put up with me for years until I got sober.
I'm saying this as none of us have to put up with abuse, yes he's a nice man, you love him, but he's not a nice person when he's drunk.
There's some sound advice on this site, to help and assist, whatever you decide to do. Take care.
He was the nicest man when he was sober, funny, caring but as soon as he drank, god help us. I was only young and the words I heard, he was evil.
When you said his eyes looked evil, I just remembered 40 odd years ago.
I had all sorts of mental problems which didn't come out till later on in life, but I couldn't sleep until my dad was home and asleep, and decided that if I stay up and pretend I was interested in 'pot black' snooker programme on late at night we would watch it together I would turn the gas fire up high and hopefully he would fall asleep and I would then go to bed, knowing it would be a peaceful night.
Years later my dad thought I stayed up to be with him and watch snooker! I didn't burst his bubble.
If he drank in the afternoon I argued with him so he wouldn't pick on mum. Not about drinking but about anything. I just wanted to protect my mum from his abuse.
My mum stayed with him and when she died we found her diary saying she wished she had the strength to leave him, though she loved him.
I got to know my dad more later on and I loved him, he remarried and didn't drink as much as my step mum wouldn't put up with it. I don't think she suffered any abuse and I know she would not have out up with it, why would she have to.
So I understand Jekyll and Hyde, my dad was the master. So what did I do when I got of age, I drank, I became my dad I think, though I wasn't abusive, I was a drunk.
I'm sober now and I wonder why my husband put up with me for years until I got sober.
I'm saying this as none of us have to put up with abuse, yes he's a nice man, you love him, but he's not a nice person when he's drunk.
There's some sound advice on this site, to help and assist, whatever you decide to do. Take care.
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