How do you let go of an active alcoholic?
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 508
I have been in several relationships that were abusive and couldn't get out until it was too late, always wondering what was wrong with me that I would be treated in this way.
I no longer believe anyone has the right to behave towards me in ways you describe.
I am empath, sensitive and caring yet the hardest lesson I am learning in life is how to care for myself.
The more you can distance yourself from this relationship and stop believing the promises of a dream that is already broken the easier it will become to detach yourself.
Support is essential at this time, it's not selfish to put your needs first, it's a healthy response to an invasion of your mind.
I wish you so much hope in your quest to find peace.
Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself
I no longer believe anyone has the right to behave towards me in ways you describe.
I am empath, sensitive and caring yet the hardest lesson I am learning in life is how to care for myself.
The more you can distance yourself from this relationship and stop believing the promises of a dream that is already broken the easier it will become to detach yourself.
Support is essential at this time, it's not selfish to put your needs first, it's a healthy response to an invasion of your mind.
I wish you so much hope in your quest to find peace.
Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, olow, and welcome. There have been a lot of good suggestions posted, so I will add only two things: 1) your original post didn't mention anything about family or friends. I hope you have a supportive family and friends. It's better, I think, to be able to reach out for help when you need it and not isolate. 2) try not to isolate yourself. When tough times hit, our default, often, is to pull the covers over our heads, metaphorically speaking. There are many people with situations like yours. Mine is an alcoholic sib who has also said that he will never change. It is posible to find peace and serenity whether the loved one is drinking or not. Take of yourself, remember your worth. Peace.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
My late mother was a social worker, who had a good term for birth parents whose kids had been removed from them:
"string mama" or "string daddy."
They would constantly make empty promises to their kids about how wonderful life was going to eventually be; all rainbows and unicorns.
Sometimes our separated mates turn out to be "string mama" or "string daddy."
"string mama" or "string daddy."
They would constantly make empty promises to their kids about how wonderful life was going to eventually be; all rainbows and unicorns.
Sometimes our separated mates turn out to be "string mama" or "string daddy."
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by Maudcat 
Hi, olow, and welcome. There have been a lot of good suggestions posted, so I will add only two things: 1) your original post didn't mention anything about family or friends. I hope you have a supportive family and friends. It's better, I think, to be able to reach out for help when you need it and not isolate. 2) try not to isolate yourself. When tough times hit, our default, often, is to pull the covers over our heads, metaphorically speaking. There are many people with situations like yours. Mine is an alcoholic sib who has also said that he will never change. It is posible to find peace and serenity whether the loved one is drinking or not. Take of yourself, remember your worth. Peace.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by TimeForMe
Welcome! As an empath, have you considered that your panic attacks are your intuition trying to tell you something?
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Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 83
Hi olow,
"Then about a month into the relationship came the dark side. The hate in his eyes is absolutely terrifying. It is pure hate. "
Thank you for posting this. It's good to know I wasn't imagining it. Others have seen it too. It's scary to see eyes turn that hate filled and I wasn't sure, I doubt and deny, but deep down I have to admit to myself that IS how bad it really was.
"Then about a month into the relationship came the dark side. The hate in his eyes is absolutely terrifying. It is pure hate. "
Thank you for posting this. It's good to know I wasn't imagining it. Others have seen it too. It's scary to see eyes turn that hate filled and I wasn't sure, I doubt and deny, but deep down I have to admit to myself that IS how bad it really was.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
He is an alcoholic. He likes his life just the way it is. He doesn't want to change or quit. For some reason, he has decided to anesthetize himself against the world at large.
You can't force him to feel loved (or competent, happy, fulfilled). Whether you are there or you had never come into his life at all, doesn't change what's going on inside his brain. If you hadn't crossed his path, someone else would have. She wouldn't have been YOU, but she would have offered help, support, love, etc. And he would still be an alcoholic. You can leave him and still love him. You could even be a platonic friend, maybe. But you wouldn't be constantly fighting the psychological rip currents while struggling to reach the safety of the shore.
You can't force him to feel loved (or competent, happy, fulfilled). Whether you are there or you had never come into his life at all, doesn't change what's going on inside his brain. If you hadn't crossed his path, someone else would have. She wouldn't have been YOU, but she would have offered help, support, love, etc. And he would still be an alcoholic. You can leave him and still love him. You could even be a platonic friend, maybe. But you wouldn't be constantly fighting the psychological rip currents while struggling to reach the safety of the shore.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 89
Update. I left.
I left. I moved back two states away. I feel broken. I feel as if I abandoned him. I am still having panic attacks on an off depending on the moment. I am just trying to make it through hour to hour.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Olow--
As someone who also has suffered panic attacks, I think it happens when our body is trying to tell us something, and we're not listening. Perhaps you should sit quietly with yourself and listen? And think about the life you'd really like rather than the one that you apparently aren't going to get with this person? And then what one step you could take in that direction?
As someone who also has suffered panic attacks, I think it happens when our body is trying to tell us something, and we're not listening. Perhaps you should sit quietly with yourself and listen? And think about the life you'd really like rather than the one that you apparently aren't going to get with this person? And then what one step you could take in that direction?
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
Originally Posted by olow
I left. I moved back two states away. I feel broken. I feel as if I abandoned him. I am still having panic attacks on an off depending on the moment. I am just trying to make it through hour to hour.
With time and my own recovery work those feelings soon started to go away. It has been taking a while for me to accept "what is" after the veil started to lift. Even though I could see what was happening my mind hadn't fully accepted it as real. Once I was able to start accepting, what others were saying resonated deep within me... that it wasn't my fault... that I didn't abandon him, if anything I stayed much longer than I should have... that he's an adult and is fully capable of taking care of himself... that we cannot make our partners stop drinking... that if their drinking habits are a problem for us we have every right in the world to leave and create a world of happiness for ourselves.
We give chance after chance, lowering our expectations until what is left is hardly a relationship. Space, time and recovery work. You can do this, hour by hour is the only way in the beginning.
I started by focusing on how I abandoned myself.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
olow, please try and remember you will not always feel like you feel right now. Break ups are painful, it is going to hurt, pain is a part of life, suffering and dwelling on him remains your choice.
Reading your first post of this thread , I had goosebumps, all I could think , "my God, she is with my ex, I must tell her to run like hell and save herself."
The last thing you need in you life is a selfish, out of control , insecure man . He has nothing to offer you. His current unacceptable actions are not going to evaporate into thin air. He has a problem, and left untreated that problem is only going to grow, and like a hurricane, will destroy everything in its path. You have taken the necessary first step. You are seeking shelter, you are your own harbor. Stay strong you can do this. Keep posting, you are not alone.
Reading your first post of this thread , I had goosebumps, all I could think , "my God, she is with my ex, I must tell her to run like hell and save herself."
The last thing you need in you life is a selfish, out of control , insecure man . He has nothing to offer you. His current unacceptable actions are not going to evaporate into thin air. He has a problem, and left untreated that problem is only going to grow, and like a hurricane, will destroy everything in its path. You have taken the necessary first step. You are seeking shelter, you are your own harbor. Stay strong you can do this. Keep posting, you are not alone.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
Originally Posted by marie1960
olow, please try and remember you will not always feel like you feel right now. Break ups are painful, it is going to hurt, pain is a part of life, suffering and dwelling on him remains your choice.
Reading your first post of this thread , I had goosebumps, all I could think , "my God, she is with my ex, I must tell her to run like hell and save herself."
The last thing you need in you life is a selfish, out of control , insecure man . He has nothing to offer you. His current unacceptable actions are not going to evaporate into thin air. He has a problem, and left untreated that problem is only going to grow, and like a hurricane, will destroy everything in its path. You have taken the necessary first step. You are seeking shelter, you are your own harbor. Stay strong you can do this. Keep posting, you are not alone.
Reading your first post of this thread , I had goosebumps, all I could think , "my God, she is with my ex, I must tell her to run like hell and save herself."
The last thing you need in you life is a selfish, out of control , insecure man . He has nothing to offer you. His current unacceptable actions are not going to evaporate into thin air. He has a problem, and left untreated that problem is only going to grow, and like a hurricane, will destroy everything in its path. You have taken the necessary first step. You are seeking shelter, you are your own harbor. Stay strong you can do this. Keep posting, you are not alone.
Olow, you did a very very hard thing. And yep it hurts! Please please do everything you can to take care of yourself.
Keep posting. You are a woman of rare courage.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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olow, I feel certain this is only a stage in your recovery and it will pass. You will stop feeling broken, your panic attacks will pass, and you'll be whole and healthy again.
I was so afraid to be w/o XAH too. I'd leaned on him so much for so long and I was terrified I'd melt to nothing once he was gone. I found the following quote online and printed it out to post and read again and again. I hope you find some use in it also.
You also might want to check out Zircon's thread http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hort-time.html
and LIFEOUTTHERE's thread too:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-10-years.html
Wishing you strength and clarity.
I was so afraid to be w/o XAH too. I'd leaned on him so much for so long and I was terrified I'd melt to nothing once he was gone. I found the following quote online and printed it out to post and read again and again. I hope you find some use in it also.
This Will Pass
Breathe. You’re going to be okay.
Breathe and remember that you’ve been in this place before. You’ve been this uncomfortable and anxious and scared, and you’ve survived.
Breathe and know that you can survive this too. These feelings can’t break you. They’re painful and debilitating, but you can sit with them and eventually they will pass. Maybe not immediately, but sometime soon, they are going to fade and when they do, you’ll look back at this moment and laugh for having doubted your resilience.
I know it feels unbearable right now, but keep breathing, again and again. This will pass. I promise it will pass.
Breathe. You’re going to be okay.
Breathe and remember that you’ve been in this place before. You’ve been this uncomfortable and anxious and scared, and you’ve survived.
Breathe and know that you can survive this too. These feelings can’t break you. They’re painful and debilitating, but you can sit with them and eventually they will pass. Maybe not immediately, but sometime soon, they are going to fade and when they do, you’ll look back at this moment and laugh for having doubted your resilience.
I know it feels unbearable right now, but keep breathing, again and again. This will pass. I promise it will pass.
You also might want to check out Zircon's thread http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hort-time.html
and LIFEOUTTHERE's thread too:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-10-years.html
Wishing you strength and clarity.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
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Posts: 869
Get out, love. I too am struggling in the same madness as you, but the A acknowledges he must change and after every binge makes another attempt to quit. Even then, in my eyes, there is zero hope for change because it's been like groundhog day with him for the last year. Same story, same result. Now in your case, your partner has admittedly said he REFUSES to change. That is the key word and all you need to know. Sometimes when they say they are trying to kick it and you see them struggle going to meetings, it's hard to leave because you feel you are giving up hope on them even though they are trying, albeit half-heeartedly- but even then, until they can show you, it's just words.
For a partner that says this is him - that he doesn't plan on changing, well the only option is to accept it and say you are ok living like you are today with him, or you leave. It sounds to me like you are suffering greatly in your mental state because of him. Debilitating panic does not sound like a fun relationship to me. I too have dealt with anxiety and depression in the past and like you, it is bubbling over again in being with this alcoholic man.
RUN. Run and never look back. Love isn't enough and it doesn't sound like he loves you much. I too took inventory of insults once and wrote them down of everything he has ever said to me. Keep doing that. write it down, read it back to yourself until it's too painful to imagine life in that way. I know I deserve better eventhough I still love this man deeply. But the love is turning into something ugly now - it's tinged and bruised and I can't imagine life like this anymore.
Hopefully you don't live with your partner. I do and its added another disasterous layer to this. Not quite married level of disasterous layer, but one more layer than just up and leaving nonetheless. Be strong...go to alanon...write, get support. *hugs*
For a partner that says this is him - that he doesn't plan on changing, well the only option is to accept it and say you are ok living like you are today with him, or you leave. It sounds to me like you are suffering greatly in your mental state because of him. Debilitating panic does not sound like a fun relationship to me. I too have dealt with anxiety and depression in the past and like you, it is bubbling over again in being with this alcoholic man.
RUN. Run and never look back. Love isn't enough and it doesn't sound like he loves you much. I too took inventory of insults once and wrote them down of everything he has ever said to me. Keep doing that. write it down, read it back to yourself until it's too painful to imagine life in that way. I know I deserve better eventhough I still love this man deeply. But the love is turning into something ugly now - it's tinged and bruised and I can't imagine life like this anymore.
Hopefully you don't live with your partner. I do and its added another disasterous layer to this. Not quite married level of disasterous layer, but one more layer than just up and leaving nonetheless. Be strong...go to alanon...write, get support. *hugs*
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Olow--
I missed the most important part of your update--you left! I am so glad for you. I can imagine that it's really hard, but I think you need to reach around and pat yourself on the back, too, because you took a huge step toward the new life you want and deserve. Breathe, walk, repeat to yourself a powerful mantra like "I'm strong and I'm creating the life I want." Change is hard and sometimes it hurts, but for many of us, staying where we were hurt harder. You've made a great step toward your future.
I missed the most important part of your update--you left! I am so glad for you. I can imagine that it's really hard, but I think you need to reach around and pat yourself on the back, too, because you took a huge step toward the new life you want and deserve. Breathe, walk, repeat to yourself a powerful mantra like "I'm strong and I'm creating the life I want." Change is hard and sometimes it hurts, but for many of us, staying where we were hurt harder. You've made a great step toward your future.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 251
I can relate you what you are doing through. I was on the fence for about 2 years about moving out. I finally did back in February. It was so hard, but I knew I had to...I have two kids from a previous relationship..I told myself I left for my kids, but as time has gone by I now know I left for myself too.
I think just like the A's hit their rock bottom and quit drinking maybe we will hit our rock bottom and get them out of our lives.
I tended to make excuses for the abuse. He was always drunk when it happened. Most of the times it was during a blackout. But it is never okay. It is not okay to live in fear. I learned that the alcoholism and the abuse are two separate issues. I am glad I moved out and would not change that. It is so hard but give yourself one day at a time.
I think just like the A's hit their rock bottom and quit drinking maybe we will hit our rock bottom and get them out of our lives.
I tended to make excuses for the abuse. He was always drunk when it happened. Most of the times it was during a blackout. But it is never okay. It is not okay to live in fear. I learned that the alcoholism and the abuse are two separate issues. I am glad I moved out and would not change that. It is so hard but give yourself one day at a time.
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