I'm angry
 

I am making a list of things that I'm angry about so I can try and let go of it .

I'm angry I had to be the mom and the dad. I had to go to all the bmx races fix bikes, all the football practices and the dance lessons all while working full time and taking care of the household chores.

I'm angry I put my dreams on hold and they were dismissed like they were silly.

I'm angry I have to be the secretary at work and at home.

I'm angry I have to make all the decisions and plans.

I'm angry we can't have fun without beer being involved.

I'm angry he was such a poor role model for my kids.

I'm angry I didn't look at my problems sooner.

I'm angry I was raised in a religious cult.

I'm angry I don't know God because of that.

I'm angry my mom was so codependent and passed it on to me.

I'm angry I taught my kids to be codependent.

I'm angry my dad was an alcoholic and not able to love me the way I needed.

I'm angry I saw my dad with another woman and told my mom and she just shrugged.

I'm angry I still feel like I have to walk on eggshells around my dad.

I'm angry I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around anyone!

I'm angry my kids have so much anger inside and I don't know what to do about it.

That's a lot of things..,it's like they just started flowing.

Now what to do with all of this???:headbange

Bless you. Keep writing, it helps.

I used to take 15 minutes a day to write in my journal about whatever-I-was-mad-about. I still do it when something bothers me and the solution is elusive. It helps to 1.) Get It Out and 2.) To have a set time every day to deal with it, but then let it run its course in that session. Anytime I start ruminating about whatever it is during the day, I defer it in my mind to "the worry session." That frees me up to not spend the entire day being a slave to my fears.

You'll get through this. Keep seeking.

I was filled with anger after I left and I finally had time to process everything that had happened. I think what helped me the most was to start working the steps in Al Anon, especially my 4th step inventory and later on my 8th step listing all persons I had harmed and becoming willing to make amends to them all.

I was one of the people on that list, and I owed myself a lot of forgiveness. The steps helped me to work through my foo (family of origin) issues. I too grew up in an alcoholic home and learned codependency at my mother's knee. That wasn't something I had control over, but I did have control over how I chose to deal with it as an adult.

One of my therapists told me that anger isn't necessarily a "bad" emotion. It gets a bad rap because it is often used as an excuse for unacceptable behavior. There is a tremendous amount of physical and emotional energy required to sustain anger. What if you could redirect that energy into working your recovery and starting a good routine of self care?

I am of the same mindset - the OP reminds me of a favorite quote:

“You should be angry. You must not be bitter. Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. It doesn’t do anything to the object of its displeasure. So use that anger. You write it. You paint it. You dance it. You march it. You vote it. You do everything about it. You talk it. Never stop talking it.”.... Maya Angelou

You are making great headway 3littlebirds!! :scoregood

Spent a year of my childhood in a cult and still looking for God sometimes. And 30+ years later still having night terrors over it. Know you aren't alone.

I just used to write it out. Then my former sister threw over 20 years of my journals away and ever since I struggle to get thoughts on paper. I'm working on it four years later

I don't know how to not be bitter. I know that sometimes when I get angry I clean furiously lol. But that's only in the moment. I don't want to think about all the anger, but I don't want to bury it either. This is a hard road when you're used to ignoring all the bad things.

Cults are horrible! I think that a part of my codie stuff came from the church I was raised in. We were taught to put on a perfect face and be perfect wives and never show anger or unhappiness!

That really sucks your journals got thrown out! I have written in a few over the years but I never seem to stick with it.

I completely understand that anger that is hard to look at and deal with. Most of the last few years with AXH, I was pretty numb emotionally; when I started feeling again, any emotion was scary. But, emotions come and eventually they'll go. If there's bitterness attached, looking at what's behind those emotions will help that bitterness move on, too.

I stopped keeping a journal while I was with AXH because he'd find them, read and then use everything in them against me whenever he felt the need or desire to put me in my place or hurt me. I started again after I'd been away from him and was starting to process everything. My art journal from that time was full of a lot of heavy charcoal drawings that, honestly, look like screaming.

I was also told anger isn't a bad emotion (my therapist and my sister both). It's what we do with it that carries repercussions. Anger lets us know when our needs aren't being met or if something's wrong. It's also often like a default emotion that covers up a lot of other emotions that are just too messy to deal with. (In my case, my therapist noted, it was probably easier for me to be angry than to admit I was scared of the man I loved.)

OK to get things off your chest but not if you hang on to all the bad things too intensely.
We can learn from bad pasts, especially to move on in new directions and hopefully well away from the former stressors.
Sister Dang Nghiem quoted above is quite relevant.

I think another thing that is so hard to accept is how "accepted" my dad's bad behavior was and then thinking who am I to judge... I did accepted my husbands bad behavior.

The difference is my mom never stood up to my dad or got mad at him, and I do stand up and get mad at my husband, so which is better. omg my head is going to explode thinking about all of this.

OMG I love this quote!!!!

For me 3 the way I did not get stuck in bitter was to sit with and work through the anger. Therapy and Al-Anon was my biggest help at this time.

I also just wanted to say that accepting that I was angry (again and again and again), accepting that I was still angry helped too.

I was SO fearful that I was going to be stuck in the anger forever. It took longer than I anticipated but on the other side I have found that my anger is crucial to my self-care, my boundaries and it is a clue for me to examine when something might be wrong.

You got this!

You are all amazing. The more I read your thoughts, fears, and struggles, the more I sigh relief that someone else understands these things I am feeling and working through daily. So often out in the world general statements of advice are thrown out that sound very simple and straightforward but are anything but. "You must love yourself before anyone else can love you". "Let go of anger". "Work through your pain". These are all great in theory, I always nod in agreement when they are said. But I am always left feeling like those must be concepts that make sense to other people and I am missing the mark because I had zero idea on how to get those things or execute on them.

One of the many things I love about this forum is that these abstract concepts are discussed, broken down, and brought to a tangible level. There may not be one catch all answer that will work in every situation for every person, but somehow in the process of reading your transparent, honest, thoughts and advice, I have found the exact answers, strategies, and support to boost my heart up enough to continue to keep moving forward. It is less "Let go of anger" and more "This is what I am currently doing to try to let go of my anger".

Thankful for all of you and this amazing, collaborative, corner of the world where I feel understood.

I have heard it said that anger is a 'secondary' emotion. The primary emotion that it stems from being 'pain'.

I've used that concept to assess my own anger towards different situations and I have found that to be true for me.

Regardless, it's good to recognize what aspects of your life are troubling you and to start working through them by any means possible. Identifying them and writing them down is an excellent first step! I know the simple act of writing down what I am feeling always lifts a great deal of the burden from my soul.

If anger stems from pain, then all I can say is OUCH. :thanks

I do the similar stuff in anger sometimes - rabid cleaning, exhausting exercise, locking myself in a dark closet & screaming until I have let it all out. My favorites are throwing rocks into water or breaking glass. :)

Here are a couple of older posts with some great input on anger:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-do-anger.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-good-bad.html