Turmoil over my AH leaving rehab
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Uk
Posts: 18
Turmoil over my AH leaving rehab
After posting many threads about my AH having cheated on me for 2 years.
He is leaving rehab in 6 days. He is not contacting me, not even a sorry for what he's put me through. When I did speak to him weeks ago he was cold, and yet I found out yesterday off his sister that he is coming home to our house to chill for a few months while he decides what's he's going to do. Legally I can't refuse him access to the house as he owns half of it.
I don't know how I'm going to handle especially if he still continues to contact the other woman.
We were best friends talked about everything and now he's cut me off and he's the one that's done wrong. I will never forgive him for the affair and the humiliatiion and now want peace in my life, but I cannot stand being treated like I am being blamed. I really don't know what's wrong with him why at least can't he even say sorry
He is leaving rehab in 6 days. He is not contacting me, not even a sorry for what he's put me through. When I did speak to him weeks ago he was cold, and yet I found out yesterday off his sister that he is coming home to our house to chill for a few months while he decides what's he's going to do. Legally I can't refuse him access to the house as he owns half of it.
I don't know how I'm going to handle especially if he still continues to contact the other woman.
We were best friends talked about everything and now he's cut me off and he's the one that's done wrong. I will never forgive him for the affair and the humiliatiion and now want peace in my life, but I cannot stand being treated like I am being blamed. I really don't know what's wrong with him why at least can't he even say sorry
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Hugs to you - it is a nasty situation.
You need to take care of yourself - please go to Alanon, that will help. I would not expect apology or return of the friendship - he has not behaved as your friend for years.
Is he leaving rehab early or on time?
Are you done with him for good? Are you willing to go through legal separation/divorce proceedings?
I hope you have evidence of his affair (texts, e-mail), you can gather that and get legal advice. I believe in certain cases when living situation is hostile (which it would be, given his infidelity, it also would help if he does, in fact, leave rehab early) it is possible to get the spouse to move out. I do believe you have to have an intent to divorce or separate to be able to go this route. Gather the evidence and get legal advice - without him knowing of course.
You can always try asking him to move out - "hey I need time apart could you please chill elsewhere". For me, just asking XAH to move out when he relapsed always worked - because he cannot handle me not "liking" him. This time while he was in rehab I told him to plan to go to sober living afterwards as me and my son were not ready for his presence, he ended up not going to to the sober living because there were "sketchy people there", came back to town, moved in with his AA buddy and fell of the wagon (drugs this time). I was ready to go the legal
route if he tried to get back into the house. I am not having that in front of my son
Good luck, I remember anxiety his return from rehab always caused me. Definitely try asking him to move out - between being just out of rehab and drama of his affair he may not even fight it.
You need to take care of yourself - please go to Alanon, that will help. I would not expect apology or return of the friendship - he has not behaved as your friend for years.
Is he leaving rehab early or on time?
Are you done with him for good? Are you willing to go through legal separation/divorce proceedings?
I hope you have evidence of his affair (texts, e-mail), you can gather that and get legal advice. I believe in certain cases when living situation is hostile (which it would be, given his infidelity, it also would help if he does, in fact, leave rehab early) it is possible to get the spouse to move out. I do believe you have to have an intent to divorce or separate to be able to go this route. Gather the evidence and get legal advice - without him knowing of course.
You can always try asking him to move out - "hey I need time apart could you please chill elsewhere". For me, just asking XAH to move out when he relapsed always worked - because he cannot handle me not "liking" him. This time while he was in rehab I told him to plan to go to sober living afterwards as me and my son were not ready for his presence, he ended up not going to to the sober living because there were "sketchy people there", came back to town, moved in with his AA buddy and fell of the wagon (drugs this time). I was ready to go the legal
route if he tried to get back into the house. I am not having that in front of my son
Good luck, I remember anxiety his return from rehab always caused me. Definitely try asking him to move out - between being just out of rehab and drama of his affair he may not even fight it.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Amazing isn't it? These guys are always so flippin' pompous. Just goes to show you that _once again_ they think nothing about anyone but _themselves_.
Nat is correct, this is a nasty situation and I can tell you from experience that it is going to be hard to stay above the fray. My suggestion is that you ask him to leave, let him go stay with his "trashy hooker". If he refuses, then do yourself a favor and find someplace else to stay. I would however put a timeframe on that, maybe a week or so. I can't imagine you need the added stress of this guy living with you while he decides what he's going to do. Really??? Like he's doing you a favor! Please.....
Good luck to you Su. Stay strong! We are here!!
Big hug
Ro
Nat is correct, this is a nasty situation and I can tell you from experience that it is going to be hard to stay above the fray. My suggestion is that you ask him to leave, let him go stay with his "trashy hooker". If he refuses, then do yourself a favor and find someplace else to stay. I would however put a timeframe on that, maybe a week or so. I can't imagine you need the added stress of this guy living with you while he decides what he's going to do. Really??? Like he's doing you a favor! Please.....
Good luck to you Su. Stay strong! We are here!!
Big hug
Ro
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
You may not be able to legally refuse him access, but you surely can ask him to make other arrangements for his release. It is ridiculous that you have to find out about his plans through others at this point, and wholly disrespectful of you.
If he refuses to make alternate arrangements, are there options for YOU to leave? It simply isn't healthy for you to be forced into such proximity amidst all this turmoil. You deserve the space, time, and distance you need to heal from all you have been through. You cannot force him to give it to you, but you can still explore options to take it for yourself in that case.
Sending you hugs.
If he refuses to make alternate arrangements, are there options for YOU to leave? It simply isn't healthy for you to be forced into such proximity amidst all this turmoil. You deserve the space, time, and distance you need to heal from all you have been through. You cannot force him to give it to you, but you can still explore options to take it for yourself in that case.
Sending you hugs.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,982
Hi susie, this sounds so incredibly difficult. It doesn't sound like he is very far into recovery. Do everything you can to leave his problems to him and detach.
I hope you are making plans to take care of yourself; this may be alanon, counseling, supportive folks and of course SR. Also I hope you are working on a plan of what to do if your husband goes back to drinking and/or other women.
I hope you are making plans to take care of yourself; this may be alanon, counseling, supportive folks and of course SR. Also I hope you are working on a plan of what to do if your husband goes back to drinking and/or other women.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You should speak with a lawyer about your options. It's unlikely you can force him to leave without filing for a legal separation or divorce. It may be that if you file, you can ask the court to grant you temporary possession of the house pending a final division of property. Or it may be that your husband would have to pay temporary support so you can move into a place of your own pending the property division. You won't know until you ask. You really need good legal advice.
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