How to deal with an invitation?
 

The family was just invited to a nephew's birthday party. It is actually the first time I have felt included in the families invitation in over two years.
I was always included before I reacted two years ago. I then became the outcast, the black sheep. Everyone blamed me in AH family and they went no contact with me for that time. They wouldn't come over for birthday parties or our childrens special occasions. The parties were always at the in laws house. I didn't know about it until they came over with their unwrapped gifts or talked about thanksgiving meals or Christmas gifts.
They have yet to talk to me about their actions toward me and the family. I told SIL the past is in the past. Part of it still hurts bad. I don't know if I truly want to go yet. Texting to those who want to talk is so much different then being in a room of his supporters. How do I go and leave the hurt at home? I also feel bad that it's not over with yet. Any suggestions?

I'm not sure I understand. Someone in his family has invited you and your husband to a party?

Yes. I didn't realize how much I buried my pain until I received the invitation. Then all the hurt came back to the surface. The AH family could live in denial until two years ago. IMO the only way they could deal with it was blame me and treat me like the outcast.

Personally it has worked for me to smile and let it go. AH's family is never going to change and they will continue to be a part of my kid's lives.

If you'd like to be threre, then I say go and thank them for having you. If you"d really rather not, just thank them for the invite but say you cannot make it.

Good luck...I know it's hard but it does get easier with practice. :You_Rock_

Do you really need them back in your life HH? They could do it to you again if you step out of line (in their view).

A simple response to your clearly complicated situation: you cannot control them. You can choose to go and the parameters you set (ie, a plan for leaving if you start to feel a certain (bad) way, how you behave/who you spend time with (ie focus on the kids), etc) and when you leave. If you decide to go, you have to take responsibility for YOU, only.

Personally, as the alcoholic and with an alcoholic mother, I am ruthless about where I go and what I do, and when. I seek peace in my life and there is very little that I would consider "having" to do if I could not decide to go in positivity and accept my role in being there, and how I handle the situation. Things that cause me great anxiety aren't on my to-do list. And I don't expect my mom/parents to include or do things with me that cause them "grief" of any kind.

Good luck.

Any suggestions?

don't go.

it's really that simple. we do not have to attend every stinkin' thing we are ever invited to......we can say NO.

It's about dealing with the constant reminders of the lack of a relationship. I rsvp that ah had to work. Sil stated bummer. She did not even ask if I or the cousins can come. I guess I'm still the outcast or am I just taking the victim role? I should be grateful I don't have to deal with unsupportive people.

Hearthealth, may I give you a newcomer's advice?

Guard your heart. Don't expose it carelessly, and don't let it get hard.

Reading your account has opened my eyes to what I've felt in my family and never realized, only it wasn't my in laws, it was my own. We aren't invited unless I find out by the grapevine and call. (For good reason, of course, nobody wants to be tasked with the awkwardness of conversation)

It hurts. But I'm beginning to realize that it is a two way street. On the other side of a strained relationship is a person who is hurting, too.

The party is over. I was debating back and forth for quite awhile. I looked inside me and I decided what I wanted to do. I didn't look out outside reinforcements. I decided I really didn't want to spend the day with those people. As harsh as that sounds.
It was my birthday weekend and I spent a day with my matron of honor. She lives out of town and we don't get a chance to see each other very often. I enjoyed myself without a drop of alcohol.
When I came home with the children. H had consumed a six pack at least and said I should do this more often.

I've been scapegoated and outcast so I know exactly how that feels.


Could your SIL be trying to reach out to you by inviting you in an attempt to try to start healing the situation ?

Are you normally in contact with your SIL ?

Maybe your SIL thought that you didn't want to come and didn't want to push it by asking if you or the cousins could come ?

In an emotional cutoff, it is easy for people to misconstrue motives. If I was in your position I would not assume anything, I would talk directly to your SIL and avoid any triangulation. Direct communication can avoid a lot of issues.

This is a tough call.
One of my sisters was like a pet rattlesnake. She could be loving and charming, then come out of left field with a vicious attack.
I know the holidays are coming, and I've already decided not to go to anything IF I am invited.

Good for YOU, hh! Sounds like you made absolutely the right choice.

Sounds like a good decision, hearthealth. Avoid the family drama. Peace.

So awhile ago I asked SIL if I was still the outcast. She stated she didn't have a problem but had to ask her husband due to MIL. I'm still awaiting an answer so I assume my answer is yes. She contacts me for the kids Christmas and things. Should I tell her from now on go through husband? Is that playing the victim or is that enabling. I'm an outcast except when it's serves their purpose.

hearthealth.....I like your idea of leaving it to your husband to be the one to deal with his family.
That takes you out of the middle. Then, if you don't want to go--tell your husband--and let him deal with it.
Not always, of course...but, family usually sides with family.
There is a good reason that alcoholism is called a family disease. It tears families apart.
I don't doubt that his family is covered with a thick blanket of denial about his drinking.
to me...it sounds like the writing is o n the wall, in regards to their relationship to you.
Perhaps, the best that you can do is to be minimally civil when you have to interface with them---for the sake of the children.

You are not alone, you know...there are millions of people who have acid indigestion whenever it comes to dealing with their inlaws...lol....

Hey Dandy!!!
With the holidays coming, these family systems get all stirred up.
These are some lyrics from a Christmas song by Peter Schickele:

"It's ten o'clock on Christmas morn, and all the guests are knocking on the door.
"It's ten o'clock on Christmas morn, and Uncle John's already on the floor."

"It's ten o'clock on Christmas morn, and all the guests are in a festive mood,
little do they realize that Uncle John has eaten all the food."

Eauchiche....love it!
I just went to you tube and listened to some of his music....wow....good and interesting music....a great sense of humor, also....
Gifted musician.....

I like it also!