3littlebirds

I have fully submerged myself into learning all I can about my codependency and how to heal myself. One thing that I have yet to figure out is where to help and where to say no....

Example... I have unlimited internet access at work, he only has access to his cell phone and limited data. Today he text me and asked me to look up something for him while he was at work so he would know if he needed a special part at the store after work for a project on our trailer. Anyway I already knew the answer so I didn't have to look it up online so it was an easy answer. However I was thinking if I would have done 5 minutes of research I would have wanted to say NO simply for the fact that I am trying to say NO more often. Then I was thinking how am I supposed to know when to say NO and mean it and when I say NO just to say NO.

I hope that all made sense! It makes sense in my head, but it's hard to put it into words.

AnvilheadII

well remember, this isn't a competition for who says NO the most!!!

even before the NO, we have to learn how to WAIT to be ASKED for help. i'm ready to hop in the nearest phone booth and don my cape, but i have to remember to be more like Batman and wait for them to the beam the BAT SIGN in the sky FIRST!

then it becomes a very individual process......is what is being asked of you REASONABLE? is it something you have TIME to do? is it something you WANT to do? is it something you would do for anyone who asked, or just THIS person? do you fear any repercussions if you do NOT do as they ask? do you feel plain ole GUILT?

there are no RIGHT WAYS or WRONG WAYS, unless you are not being true to yourself.

hope778

Anvil, thank you. VERY insightful.

3littlebirds

I have been waiting to be asked and sheesh that is harder than it seems.
Very good questions to ask myself! Thank you!!!

dandylion

3littlebirds.....I have understood that jumping to do something for someone that they should and is able to do for themselves is what you want to avoid doing.

letitend

I think thinking too much about what the other person 'might be' expecting you to do is a clue as well.

Bekindalways

^^^^^ This was what I was thinking too Dandelion.

Yurt

Funny, I had no problem saying "no" to my XAH when he would ask me to help with things that were computer related. This would include, setting up a website, getting him started on FB, installing Skype, installing Windows 10, etc. Some of these things would be very time consuming and I could tell that he was in "control"mode. He is highly intelligent, so I said "no" to all of those requests. He did twist our DD's arm to get her to help with some of these things, but he was more than capable.

Now, I find myself jumping to offer to "help" my new husband with every little thing. I have to mentally stop myself form doing this. I know it is my co-dependent nature to do this, so it is a real effort.

NYCDoglvr

A big struggle for me was learning how to stop offering unsolicited advice. Thanks for reminding me............

Nata1980

OMG computer issues!

XAH still calls me as I am his IT help desk.

I even refuse to help my mom with stuff these days - if she can figure out how to sit on Facebook every day all day, she can figure out how to troubleshoot it.

I still "help before asked" at work - but most of the time when person struggles with the task that impacts my work (I.e I have to wait) - and I al a single parent so I don't have all day.....I am trying to minimize it tho

Yurt

I do help with computer issues at work as I figure it might make me a tiny bit more valuable. I also wouldn't mind a position as computer teacher when I move to a new district in a couple of years.

teatreeoil007

I have a hard time differentiating that too.I am a natural at caring for and nurturing others. I like to help people heal. And, I'm good at it, which might make it more difficult to say "no"...

But, when comes to healing psyche and addiction issues it's more beneficial and healing to teach and encourage others to help their selves...they are not going to heal from those internal wounds if we always do things for them. Something that's been helpful for me is to be around others that cast a good influence on me in a good way. And, to maybe re-evaluate if what I'm about to do is really helping them in the long run.

I'm trying to think of some example here.

Ok-how about this. People who get gastric bypass surgery, lose a ton of weight and then put it back on. Was that surgery helpful or not? And, will their stomach ever be normal again? Would it have been better for that patient to somehow learn to change their eating and activity habits and address the issues that made them obese in the first place?

I have to ask myself: Am I really helping this person. I need to perhaps examine the type of "help" I am about ready to give.

3littlebirds

I have had this problem for as long as I can remember. It's really damaging to raise children this way. I feel like I helped them into helplessness. How do you undo 23 years of this without causing utter chaos in your life?

teatreeoil007

That's tough, 3littlebirds....I sure don't have all the answers. As a parent, of course you want to help your kids. That's just the way it goes. I've done that some with my own kids. I have found that the closer I am to someone the more difficult time I have being objective.. Sometimes I use this approach: "I'm not going to do that for you right now, but I will teach you how to do that for yourself." In my line of work, a lot of it has to do with somehow empowering people to be more independent. Sometimes it would be easier to just do things for them instead of encouraging them to do for their self. I try to resist that urge, but be realistic about their true limitations. Once they start to get the hang of it, I think they really do enjoy being able to do for their selves.