Child support through meditation
 

Ah and I are going to start the meditation process. I know it's time for this next step but it's hard. My friends tell me they are amazed at how strong I have been. Today I don't feel so strong. The kids and I have been away for the last 5 days. Ah was supposed to come over tonight but of course cancelled. It was obvious when he called to say goodnight to the kids that he'd been drinking. I was pretty upset that he had chosen to drink today instead of coming to see his kids like he had planned. I pray that he someday chooses the kids over the alcohol.

In the meantime I have contacted the mediator to start the process. Any words of advice on how to get through this process smoothly? I'm worried that I will be too easy going and nice when going through mediation. What are some things that I should be prepared to ask for? For example I know I would be entitled to a percent of his salary for child support. What is included in child support cost? For example are child care and fees for extracurricular activities included in this? Or are these things I should be asking ah to contribute to in addition to the child support?

Hi!

I did not go through mediation, I had a lawyer, my primary concern was my child welfare and safeguards in place to prevent XAH from "parenting under influence". With your A cancelling visits - it is unlikely he will fight. My XAH sounded like he is going to fight me tooth and nail - but when it came to it - he did not.

As for financials (which for me was a lot less important) - there are child support calculators online, Google one for your stats. It all depends on income and number of custody days. Since he is actively drinking - you may want to go for no overnight visitation and drug/alcohol testing of some sort.

I also have 50% for out of pocket medical and activities for him to cover, in addition to child support. With that said - I have a plan in place how to get through without money from him - in case he becomes unreliable.

Children's safety is the key here. Go for the max. You can always relax parenting plan if you feel like, tightening controls is much harder. Good luck!

Most states have child support guidelines that provide a starting point. The amount of time the child spends with each parent is factored in, too. If you made the exact same incomes, and the child lived half the time with you and the other half with the ex, then neither one of you would probably be paying support to the other. Outside of that basic number, which is supposed to cover food, clothing, and shelter, you might have additional expenses like private school tuition or music lessons, etc., that again would typically be divided proportionately to your incomes. Or you could agree that one of you pays for school and the other for lessons. You want to be sure out-of-pocket medical expenses are considered, and probably want something in there about college, too, even if it's a long way off. I'd suggest consulting a lawyer, if you don't have one, about how child support is typically calculated and for a list of provisions you will want to be sure are covered in the agreement.

Paying an attorney to tell you what you could expect if you went to court is money well spent.

In my case, I pay child support but also share 50/50 costs for childcare during working hours, medical, activities etc.

I would agree with the advice that you focus first on making sure the kids are safe and you are in control - you can always make exceptions should he pursue recovery. Most mediators handle the JPA first so that the parenting plan is not being impacted by financial negotiations. In your case, that would be a wise approach.

Above all, make sure the mediator knows that your primary concern is the kids and their well being. Be factual, honest, and measured, not emotional or accusatory, in the way you share your concerns. Part of what the mediator will be evaluating, even if not consciously, is how you would fare in court. Be respectful with him or her as if you were dealing with a judge.

Ah carries the medical insurance and it's a high deductible plan. His employer contributes $ towards it so there is little out of plan expenses in that area.
The kids live with me primarily right now. Ah says he's going to fight me for time with them but as of right now he doesn't have his own place, and lives/works in a different School District. I would be open to him having overnight visits once he gets his own place and is sover for a bit. That doesn't seem to be dear future.

It is good to know that I can request more support since I take care of the kids 100% of the time. He has been giving me money for child support informally butI have not been asking for extra money for dance classes and school activities which is becoming hard for me to pay by myself. She also makes a lot more money than me as I am part time. Some of the reason that I am still part-time is having to care for the kids, their after school activities. whileo there are full-time positions at my job right now it wouldn't be a good fit for the kids and I right now.

Your agreement should still cover contingencies, such as what happens if he loses his job/health insurance. Whose responsibility is it to provide that insurance? And I assume you meant "low deductible"--if it's high deductible, you could have significant out-of-pocket expenses.

I'd really STRONGLY advise getting legal advice. If you don't anticipate all the provisions that could create problems in the future, you could find yourself running back to court every time circumstances change. If it's already in the agreement then you still might need to enforce the order (which usually isn't that complicated), but it's a lot easier than CHANGING the order to accommodate some new issue. It's not possible to anticipate EVERY eventuality, but the most likely scenarios should be covered.

Talk to a lawyer--it will save you money and aggravation in the long run.

A legal consult will pay for itself. It may cost several hundred dollars but could literally save you tens of thousands of dollars in avoiding legal fees later.

Even just threatening legal action has cost me $1000-2000 for things that were fairly straightforward and settled without actually going to court.

And sadly I've seen XAH's stance get less reasonable over time.

If he's getting legal advice, he might be advised to go after the fact that you have a part time job and argue that the financials should he based on how much you could earn in a full time position. An attorney can also help you prepare to respond to that.

KidsR.......if you would like to find o ut what questions to ask your lawyer, when you have your consultation.....
There is a website.....womansDivorce.com.....that I believe will be very helpful for you. It covers most all common issues that come up in a divorce, and it is listed by states. It is meant to be educational in nature, and is NOT meant to replace your own lawyer. It also, lists lots of resources for you....
The more you know....the more confident you will feel....
Knowledge is power

I did consult a lawyer back in January. I just figured mediation what helps save some time and money. At this point Ah is willing to go along with whatever I request. From reading the paperwork sent by t
the mediator it sounds like things can be pretty cut and dry. The mediator also recommends that we both consult a lawyer after we're done as well.

OK, but it seems you don't know what you can reasonably ask for, or what you are entitled to. THAT is what you need the lawyer for--not to negotiate (which is where you save time/money using mediation instead). You really need that info BEFORE mediation--after may be too late.

The figure the court settled on in my divorce and custody case was based solely on AXH's then-last paystub - because that's the only info he provided - and that grudgingly. It also required that he reimburse me for 1/2 of the uncovered medical/dental expenses for DS. It didn't take into consideration daycare costs or tuition for the Waldorf school DS was in. Friends who have divorced (somewhat) amicably have that figure and then a share of the daycare or tuition costs as well as costs for extra-curricular activities (band, sports, etc). I believe they also lined out stipulations on college tuition and expenses for when the kids get older. I think it depends on the state and it depends on how the divorcing couple came up with the figures.

It'd probably help a great deal to line out the costs related to taking care of and raising your kids. Daycare expenses, what it costs to cover them under your medical insurance, costs if they play a musical instrument (lessons, equipment, etc.), the related fees if they're into school sports (gear, school fees, etc), even food and rent/housing. Having that info in hand would help determine if the minimum state requirement for support would be fair to all parties or if additional considerations would be helpful and agreeable to both parties. I think it'd be helpful for both the mediation and if you were to meet with a lawyer.

I would recommend finding a mediator who is also a lawyer. We had to go to a mediator, ordered by the court as a mandatory first step for all couples divorcing in my state, and the person we were assigned to was a counselor. Totally, utterly, useless.

The second time, (we had to see a mediator twice before we could request a hearing) I found a private one who I paid and she was a lawyer. She knew the child support guidelines, and the law. And she was a huge help.

Mediation with an addict isn't wasn't super productive in my case (bc my ex had a dirt bag lawyer who fueled extra acrimony) but if your STB xAH is willing to mediate with you and the mediator and settle things, I would run to that appt with bells on.

My ASister and her ex-husband used a mediator for their divorce. There were no consequences for her if she acted up. So they took three plus years to sell the house (so he continued to pay the mortgage - she didn't contribute anything towards it), and I suspect that a good portion of the child support that her ex pays to her doesn't go to the kids, considering that my parents feed, clothe, and shelter them half the time.

And there is absolutely nothing he can do because there's no teeth written into the agreement. What happens if your husband skips out on child support? What happens if he fails to make visitation? What happens if he decides to change visitation at the last minute? Or he doesn't tell you where the kids actually are? Or doesn't tell you where or when dropoff is going to be (My sister has done this a number of times.)?

You need an ironclad agreement that has everything spelled out so your children aren't caught in limbo week after week like my nieces are.

I was starting to think that mediation wasn't worth it, but maybe it would be worth it. It could save us money and time working out a plan.

Mediation has to beat thrashing it out in court, but I suggest you get a legal advice beforehand and to review of any proposals. Prepare as carefully as possible as this will save you legal fees.

I met with a lawyer back in January and she told me what I can ask in child support, visitations, custody, stuff regarding the house etc. AH has gotten some promotions, which works on my favor regarding $. Since then I have been keeping better track of what I need financially to raise the kids and thankfully AH has paid me every time I asked for money.