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Smarie78 10-10-2016 08:34 AM

Today I Walk Away
 
Sometimes leaving is a kindness — for both of you. by Phil Tytanic



Today, I walk away. It’s not abandonment. I’m not giving up. I’m just realizing that the course you are on is one I’m not supposed to travel with you. It’s not throwing in the towel, it’s finally seeing that I’m not the one to get you through.

Does this mean I no longer love you? No. Not in the least. If anything, it means I love you enough to step back and let the destruction run it’s course. Sometimes love is best served as a happy memory and a hope for a better future.

Do I hate you? Absolutely not. I could never hate anyone I’ve loved so much as you. Rather, in a way, I love you more. I love you enough to know that by letting you go, I give you the chance to find what you need.

I could never hate anyone I’ve loved so much as you. Rather, in a way, I love you more.

How could I say I hate you, without depreciating every time I showed you love? You see, whatever it was in your life that made you this way, I hate THAT. What made you feel you had to lie about everything? What made you feel you had to self destruct every time you had a chance to succeed? Through our many talks, I have some ideas, but do I know? No. I don’t know, but whatever it was, that is the only thing I’m capable of hating today.

In moments, when you were doing good, I saw you. The real you. I saw the passionate you that valued yourself and your family. I know that one day, that “you” will win over. I also accept that when it does, I won’t be there to see it. This is trip you need to make on your own.

There was a time I made you better. You made me better. Together, we allowed ourselves to live within our imperfections. Somewhere, sometime, those demons came back to you. I could go on and on about how you did me wrong, but the fact is, you hurt yourself so much more. The fact is, I love you enough to know it’s not about what you did to me. It’s about what you do to you.

Eventually, I became what empowered your darkness. You could always come back to me. You always had a net at the end of your run through your torments. I was the one that would always be there. I still am, just now I’m there in thought. I’m the memory of what it was like to truly be loved. When you’re ready, you’ll find yourself drawn to someone that shows you that again.

I think, maybe, that’s what scared you most. How could someone know your deepest, darkest secrets and refuse to let you sink into a self created abyss?

The answer? Simple. I had chosen to love you. Not what you’ve done. Not what you did out of anger or fear. Just you. Beautiful, broken you. I’ve seen days where I thought no one could know me and truly love me. I changed. One day, you will too.

Today, I see that I love you more genuinely than ever before.

Was that healthy? Probably not. Did it encourage you to do more to shatter yourself? Quite possibly. Was it wrong? I think not. You have been loved. Unconditionally. You still are, just now from a place far enough away to let you finish your journey.

Today, I dream of the time you find yourself truly content and happy.

Today, I hope for the moment you learn giving one hundred percent is worth the gamble.

Today, I smile when I think of you digging out of the loathing and connecting with someone that appreciates you and shows you your value.

Today, I realize that nothing I do can bring you from the insanity you choose for yourself.

Today, I understand that your choices, while unhealthy, will not destroy you and it’s okay to stand back as you learn.

Today, I commit to stepping back as you find what you need to come back to yourself.

Today, I see that I love you more genuinely than ever before.

Today, I walk away.

letitend 10-10-2016 08:39 AM

That sure hits home. Thanks Smarie.

Beautiful words. Thanks for sharing your find.

honeypig 10-10-2016 11:44 AM

http://s6.postimg.org/x0v6oqnox/lett...ng_it_mean.jpg

Cyranoak 10-10-2016 05:44 PM

wow

DesertEyes 10-10-2016 06:15 PM

This is powerful. Do you all think I should make it a "sticky"?

Mike :)
Moderator, SR

hearthealth 10-10-2016 06:26 PM


Originally Posted by DesertEyes (Post 6168944)
This is powerful. Do you all think I should make it a "sticky"?

Mike :)
Moderator, SR

Yes.

DesertEyes 10-10-2016 08:18 PM

oops, never mind. I didn't realize it was from somebody's else's blog.

https://goodmenproject.com/featured-...-walk-away-dg/

My bad, and my apologies.

Mike :)
Moderator, SR

GiGi707 10-10-2016 08:26 PM

Thank you so much for this post. Today has been both long and emotional, and this is exactly what I needed to read. This says what I have not been able to get out of my heart and into words for months. As I read this, tears streamed down my face. Sadness for myself, my XAB, what could have been. Exhaustion of my mind that has been spinning and my heart that has been aching. But I also know that I've done and tried everything I possibly could have, and the only way to be free and have a chance at a peaceful, happy, life is to let go.

Smarie78 10-11-2016 05:10 AM

Sorry, yes this is from a blog - I put the name of the writer so no definitely not mine! Good Men Project is a really great online mag that usually has some very relevant writing. But glad to see this resonated with so many of you. I'm sorry you are hurting so much Gigi. I'm with you and more than just understand the pain of watching someone destroy their lives no matter how much love and support you've given them.

I cried the first time reading it too. I just couldn't believe someone knew exactly what I was experiencing. Word for word. I know it will get better. It has to and leaving them will be the greatest peace. You just have to get through the storm.

Abasche 10-11-2016 08:14 AM

Thank you
 
I sobbed. It really does say everything I wish I could say.
We just ended things last night after over a year long struggle. We were a week away from moving and making career choices. My second interview for a job was tomorrow.
Yesterday we were signing a new lease. Today I wake up without the burden of alcoholism in my life but also without the love of my life.

Smarie78 10-11-2016 12:14 PM


Originally Posted by Abasche (Post 6169654)
I sobbed. It really does say everything I wish I could say.
We just ended things last night after over a year long struggle. We were a week away from moving and making career choices. My second interview for a job was tomorrow.
Yesterday we were signing a new lease. Today I wake up without the burden of alcoholism in my life but also without the love of my life.

I'm about to end things now with mine. I kicked him out today and am terrified and ridden with guilt for not kicking him out the first time when he had an apartment to go to. I let him live with me temporarily but he's abused those privledges so now I've asked him to leave. It is hard. I don't know where he will go but at the same time I don't trust him here in my home. And since I have meetings away from here I can't have him in the house if im not here.

I'm sick inside but he has given me no choice, nothing to work with. I've tried so hard. So very hard to make it work but he won't stop and I have realized that I can't make him. Today I walk away.

Maudcat 10-11-2016 12:54 PM

It's good that you did that, Smarie. I know from your posts how hard this. You did the right thing. Hang in there.

Smarie78 10-11-2016 02:44 PM


Originally Posted by Maudcat (Post 6169902)
It's good that you did that, Smarie. I know from your posts how hard this. You did the right thing. Hang in there.

Thank you. I feel so much anger. I even lashed out at a colleague on email today (granted, she kind of had it coming), but I cannot get over the anger in me. I wear it now on my face. I'm angry when I look at what was just not long ago. Like the book says "Codependent No More", you have to accept what is. And that is something that has been too painful for me to do in the past, until now. I have so many questions why. Why did he do this to us. Why did he look me in the eye and promise me he wouldn't - that he at least wouldn't do it in my home. Why is the same man who swore he would give me the world, looking deeply into my crushed spirit and promise he would never make it hurt again. How did he watch me become a shell of the person I once was and doing nothing and feeling nothing? These are all the questions in my head that I grapple with and may not ever understand. But that is the madness of the disease. Thre is no reason. The drink and self-hate comes first for them.

I just wish he would have taken my hand all the times I gave it to him for help. I was going to be there. I showed up. I always showed up.

Lizzieloulou 10-11-2016 02:56 PM

I admire and respect you for how you have conveyed your resolve in your struggle. You are a fantastic example for those of us who are teetering on making the hardest of decisions! Thank you, and may I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world! X

Abasche 10-11-2016 04:06 PM


Originally Posted by Smarie78 (Post 6169990)
Thank you. I feel so much anger. I even lashed out at a colleague on email today (granted, she kind of had it coming), but I cannot get over the anger in me. I wear it now on my face. I'm angry when I look at what was just not long ago. Like the book says "Codependent No More", you have to accept what is. And that is something that has been too painful for me to do in the past, until now. I have so many questions why. Why did he do this to us. Why did he look me in the eye and promise me he wouldn't - that he at least wouldn't do it in my home. Why is the same man who swore he would give me the world, looking deeply into my crushed spirit and promise he would never make it hurt again. How did he watch me become a shell of the person I once was and doing nothing and feeling nothing? These are all the questions in my head that I grapple with and may not ever understand. But that is the madness of the disease. Thre is no reason. The drink and self-hate comes first for them.

I just wish he would have taken my hand all the times I gave it to him for help. I was going to be there. I showed up. I always showed up.

Smarie, we are so kindred right now. The promises and remorse are so sweet on the ears but when they break those promises... well I know I end up feeling like an idiot for believing him. I know his decisions are not my fault. But my buying into the promises and allowing him to break my boundaries are definitely mine to own. I can't find any reason or logic in the patterns we have retained.
Thank you for sharing. It's nice to know I am not alone.

AnvilheadII 10-12-2016 01:37 PM

I just wish he would have taken my hand all the times I gave it to him for help. I was going to be there. I showed up. I always showed up

you cannot cure alcoholism. you are not that powerful. you did try and he took what you offered, he just didn't USE it in the manner in which you had laid out. he remained an alcoholic. that has "nothing" to do with you......you didn't fail, but you also could never win. it was never your battle.

your fight begins now. the one where you show up for yourself, every day, and you live the recovery you thought you could help him achieve.

GiGi707 10-12-2016 08:24 PM

Sending lots of hugs and good thoughts Smarie, it's so not easy to walk away. <3

Smarie78 07-25-2017 02:46 PM

Wanted to bump this as I come across more and more threads of folks ready to take that step (and maybe another reminder to myself and the oh so uncomfortable shift taking place).

Sasha1972 07-25-2017 06:40 PM

I haven't been around here that long so please forgive my ignorance. So you kicked him out in October 2016 but took him back, and now you're ready to kick him out again and are reminding yourself of the reasons why breaking up with him is a good idea? It sounds like you know what you need to do. Good luck with the next step!

AnvilheadII 07-25-2017 07:23 PM

considering the title has a key word, ahem, TODAY.....is today your day, Smarie? cuz otherwise it's kind of lip service. you two are not married, you two do not live together, you two do not have children or even shared pets, you have no joint assets......

he IS married, he HAS a wife, he HAS a child, he has assets and investments related to that arrangement. and he does not care about any of it. if he does not care about his own child, he cannot possibly have any feelings for anyone else - except himself. you are hanging on to vapors.


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