3 Weeks and a new gf
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Diego, CA
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3 Weeks and a new gf
So my xa has a new gf after 3 weeks. Dropped off the kid and saw him getting out of a car that isn't his. I asked him and he confirmed. I have to admit it stings a little bit. I am so not ready to date anyone. Last time we broke up, I was already dating, so I can't really blame him. However, it is just crazy how things can just change so rapidly. I am hurt. By the entire ordeal, the 10 year wait, the terrible loneliness I have felt. Drove down to thw beach and am going to take a long walk and try to focus on me.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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Ugh, yeah, it's not a great feeling, even though you deep down know that neither of them is winning a prize. My ex was married within a year of me leaving. I waited 3 years to even start dating. A walk on the beach sounds really nice, and focusing on you even better. That's how I spent those 3 years. Working my recovery and basically just getting to know me again.
There's another thread going about suicide. My ex told me he felt like killing himself after I left because he had to do his own laundry. Then he got married, lol. I'm sure it was true love.
Hope the beach is beautiful tonight. That little sickle of a moon has been hanging out in the sky all day here. Hope you can see some stars.
There's another thread going about suicide. My ex told me he felt like killing himself after I left because he had to do his own laundry. Then he got married, lol. I'm sure it was true love.
Hope the beach is beautiful tonight. That little sickle of a moon has been hanging out in the sky all day here. Hope you can see some stars.
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It is a shock when they start dating again, more so when it happens quickly, but one huge advantage is it takes away any instinct to be over generous.
When divorcing my husband I realised that he would take whatever I gave and go on to share it with someone else.
I hope the new GF is nice because it will probably make access visits more pleasant and take some pressure off you.
When divorcing my husband I realised that he would take whatever I gave and go on to share it with someone else.
I hope the new GF is nice because it will probably make access visits more pleasant and take some pressure off you.
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I had a feeling he was seeing someone. I suspect that he may have been talking to other girls the last couple months. And technically, I kept telling him we were living together but breaking up and not bf/gf. I had to do it for me and my son. There was no love in the relationship. I gave up trying long ago because nothing I did was good enough. I was just an evil, controlling witch in his eyes. And to be honest, he always treated me bad.
I know I will get over it. It just stings like LadyScribbler said. Three weeks out, haha, and he has lured someone else in. I didn't think it was possible, and so I am shocked. Although, I was lured in as well. And I have read it 100 times thru these threads if not more, where the A goes on to just meet someone else.
I do hope and wish the best for him. The better he does, the better my son will do. I love my son that much to wish happiness and peace for his dad. I don't want my boy to watch horrible relationships his whole life, you know.
I know that I am not in the mood for any man. I think it will be quite a while before I go after a guy. I am moving into a new place next Friday and am so glad that I made that choice a month ago. This place I am in now feels lonely and like there haven't been any good memories created here. The new place will be the FIRST place I have ever rented that I have rented alone. Granted my son lives with me, but I always had roommates or a man in my life. I have been with a partner whether it be husband or bf since I have been 18. I had a few spurts where I was single, but I was always looking for someone to make me feel good about myself. Now, I just want to learn to be comfortable being alone. I want to get healthy mentally and physically. I envision myself strong, independent and ready to kick butt. Now, I just have to put the plan into action.
Thank you for all your support ladies, it is so much appreciated. Alcoholism sucks!
I know I will get over it. It just stings like LadyScribbler said. Three weeks out, haha, and he has lured someone else in. I didn't think it was possible, and so I am shocked. Although, I was lured in as well. And I have read it 100 times thru these threads if not more, where the A goes on to just meet someone else.
I do hope and wish the best for him. The better he does, the better my son will do. I love my son that much to wish happiness and peace for his dad. I don't want my boy to watch horrible relationships his whole life, you know.
I know that I am not in the mood for any man. I think it will be quite a while before I go after a guy. I am moving into a new place next Friday and am so glad that I made that choice a month ago. This place I am in now feels lonely and like there haven't been any good memories created here. The new place will be the FIRST place I have ever rented that I have rented alone. Granted my son lives with me, but I always had roommates or a man in my life. I have been with a partner whether it be husband or bf since I have been 18. I had a few spurts where I was single, but I was always looking for someone to make me feel good about myself. Now, I just want to learn to be comfortable being alone. I want to get healthy mentally and physically. I envision myself strong, independent and ready to kick butt. Now, I just have to put the plan into action.
Thank you for all your support ladies, it is so much appreciated. Alcoholism sucks!
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letitend, I want to wish you well in your new place, w/your new life. Like you, I had never spent any significant amount of time on my own either. There was a steady series of multiple-year boyfriends from about 15 to 34, and then XAH until just before my 55th birthday, when we finalized our divorce. Forty years of always having someone there, someone else to focus on, someone else to count on (until, inevitably, I found out I couldn't...).
XAH and I do touch base every so often; he checks in on my dogs if I have to be gone for a day, stuff like that. The other day he made mention about some online dating site. I have to admit, it did take me aback for a moment, even though we're divorced over a year and it's nearly a year since he moved out. I told myself the story about the moldy sandwich in the dumpster and the person desperate enough to dig it out that I've passed on to so many folks here in the past years.
About the time I recovered my balance, he said "but I've decided not to inflict myself on anyone else." I hesitated a second, then replied "but you DO have choices. You do NOT have to keep on doing what you're doing and being the way you're being." "I'm working on it", he said. And yeah, I've heard that phrase a lot, so I went back to "my side of the street" for the remainder of the conversation.
Some time ago, an SR member made the comment that the only way she'd get involved in a serious relationship again was if the guy brought some serious improvements to her world and her life. She said how she was pretty darn happy living her own life, didn't feel she lacked anything, and any prospective partner would have to bring a LOT to the table to even be considered.
At the time, I couldn't imagine what that might be like. I mean, all my life, pretty much the only criteria I had for getting involved w/someone was that they had shown interest in me. Truly. I can probably count on one hand the people I dated that I didn't go on to become "serious" with. I simply had no filter, no bar, no qualifying standards. I felt so incomplete, so unable to cope, so "not enough."
And I couldn't imagine life w/o XAH, either. I was scared to death--but the one thing that was different this time was that I WASN'T thinking towards "the next one" like I had always been in the past. It's not like I can even take credit for any kind of strength or independence or growth or anything, either, b/c it absolutely was not a conscious choice I'd made. It was just the way I felt/still do feel, w/no consideration or effort on my part.
Finding a partner is about the last thing on my list these days. Sometimes I am scared or lonesome or tired, but if I expect being with someone to protect me from that, that's a pretty unrealistic expectation, right? And most of the time I'm content, happy and peaceful on my own.
IF I were looking, or IF I just happened to meet someone, well, as that SR member said, anyone that I'd consider as a partner now is going to have to show me that they are bringing a LOT to the table, b/c for the first time in my life, I realize that I have more than crumbs to offer, too.
(((Hugs))), letitend. Maybe soon you'll change your name to "letitbegin"!
XAH and I do touch base every so often; he checks in on my dogs if I have to be gone for a day, stuff like that. The other day he made mention about some online dating site. I have to admit, it did take me aback for a moment, even though we're divorced over a year and it's nearly a year since he moved out. I told myself the story about the moldy sandwich in the dumpster and the person desperate enough to dig it out that I've passed on to so many folks here in the past years.
About the time I recovered my balance, he said "but I've decided not to inflict myself on anyone else." I hesitated a second, then replied "but you DO have choices. You do NOT have to keep on doing what you're doing and being the way you're being." "I'm working on it", he said. And yeah, I've heard that phrase a lot, so I went back to "my side of the street" for the remainder of the conversation.
Some time ago, an SR member made the comment that the only way she'd get involved in a serious relationship again was if the guy brought some serious improvements to her world and her life. She said how she was pretty darn happy living her own life, didn't feel she lacked anything, and any prospective partner would have to bring a LOT to the table to even be considered.
At the time, I couldn't imagine what that might be like. I mean, all my life, pretty much the only criteria I had for getting involved w/someone was that they had shown interest in me. Truly. I can probably count on one hand the people I dated that I didn't go on to become "serious" with. I simply had no filter, no bar, no qualifying standards. I felt so incomplete, so unable to cope, so "not enough."
And I couldn't imagine life w/o XAH, either. I was scared to death--but the one thing that was different this time was that I WASN'T thinking towards "the next one" like I had always been in the past. It's not like I can even take credit for any kind of strength or independence or growth or anything, either, b/c it absolutely was not a conscious choice I'd made. It was just the way I felt/still do feel, w/no consideration or effort on my part.
Finding a partner is about the last thing on my list these days. Sometimes I am scared or lonesome or tired, but if I expect being with someone to protect me from that, that's a pretty unrealistic expectation, right? And most of the time I'm content, happy and peaceful on my own.
IF I were looking, or IF I just happened to meet someone, well, as that SR member said, anyone that I'd consider as a partner now is going to have to show me that they are bringing a LOT to the table, b/c for the first time in my life, I realize that I have more than crumbs to offer, too.
(((Hugs))), letitend. Maybe soon you'll change your name to "letitbegin"!
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Hey, letitend, thanks for your post. I had a rocky first marriage. Alcohol wasn't involved. We were just too different to be able to make a life together, we would separate, then reconcile, and so on, for several years. I was shocked and hurt when he met and eventually married someone else, until I realized that he was nicer to me as a result. Overall, things improved between us 100%. My son was happier, too. This could be the beginning of a good, new phase between you. I hope so, anyway.
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Originally Posted by honeypig 
Some time ago, an SR member made the comment that the only way she'd get involved in a serious relationship again was if the guy brought some serious improvements to her world and her life. She said how she was pretty darn happy living her own life, didn't feel she lacked anything, and any prospective partner would have to bring a LOT to the table to even be considered.
Yup, not in the market for the foreseeable future. Life is SOO much less complicated when one is single. There are the occasional times when it would be handy to have another person to run an errand or handle something, but all things considered, the value of NOT having to factor in someone else outweighs the convenience of those moments when it would be nice to have a partner.
I've come to enjoy eating out, going to movies, plays, concerts, and traveling solo. If something goes wrong, I don't have to get aggravated with the person I live with--it's either my fault or that of some third party I'm not expected to sleep with that night.
So I'm gonna be a hard sell.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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And you know, this seems kind of obvious, but I'll post it anyway: Sometimes that "longing for somebody to be with" is just a plain old longing for distraction.
A few weeks ago my SIL (divorced from bro several years ago) commented that since her friends were all busy that weekend and her daughters were back to college, she had no distractions and would have to cut the grass and do some other things that needed doing. This SIL had been dating furiously since her divorce. At the time, I thought it was an "I'll show HIM" thing, but this comment about distraction made me think I was at least partly wrong about the reason. She is an ACOA (never sought help) and a codependent right down to the bone, and I think she spoke more truth than she knew when she talked about distractions.
I was just out in the kitchen doing some cleaning and began to think how Saturdays used to be w/XAH--we'd go do the shopping and any other errands, then go our separate ways in the afternoon, me usually to read, nap or otherwise putter, and him to his airplane modeling studio to drink (although it was never openly admittted). I started to feel nostalgic, then thought "hey, doofus, you aren't missing XAH, you just want some way to distract yourself b/c you don't feel like cleaning the kitchen!" And if I was honest, I think at least 50% of the time that I "miss" him, this is all it is. I would like an excuse to do something other than what I am doing.
So, if I can feel that much of a desire to not clean my kitchen, how much stronger would the desire be to not look at my drinking and what a royal mess I've made of my life if I was an A? How badly would I want to have someone to distract me from THAT? If all that's on the channel I was watching was the "Man, I Have Really F'd Up" show, I'd guess the desire to change the channel would be pretty strong. And thus the new GF in 3 weeks, I'd imagine...
A few weeks ago my SIL (divorced from bro several years ago) commented that since her friends were all busy that weekend and her daughters were back to college, she had no distractions and would have to cut the grass and do some other things that needed doing. This SIL had been dating furiously since her divorce. At the time, I thought it was an "I'll show HIM" thing, but this comment about distraction made me think I was at least partly wrong about the reason. She is an ACOA (never sought help) and a codependent right down to the bone, and I think she spoke more truth than she knew when she talked about distractions.
I was just out in the kitchen doing some cleaning and began to think how Saturdays used to be w/XAH--we'd go do the shopping and any other errands, then go our separate ways in the afternoon, me usually to read, nap or otherwise putter, and him to his airplane modeling studio to drink (although it was never openly admittted). I started to feel nostalgic, then thought "hey, doofus, you aren't missing XAH, you just want some way to distract yourself b/c you don't feel like cleaning the kitchen!" And if I was honest, I think at least 50% of the time that I "miss" him, this is all it is. I would like an excuse to do something other than what I am doing.
So, if I can feel that much of a desire to not clean my kitchen, how much stronger would the desire be to not look at my drinking and what a royal mess I've made of my life if I was an A? How badly would I want to have someone to distract me from THAT? If all that's on the channel I was watching was the "Man, I Have Really F'd Up" show, I'd guess the desire to change the channel would be pretty strong. And thus the new GF in 3 weeks, I'd imagine...
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"Some time ago, an SR member made the comment that the only way she'd get involved in a serious relationship again was if the guy brought some serious improvements to her world and her life. She said how she was pretty darn happy living her own life, didn't feel she lacked anything, and any prospective partner would have to bring a LOT to the table to even be considered.
At the time, I couldn't imagine what that might be like. I mean, all my life, pretty much the only criteria I had for getting involved w/someone was that they had shown interest in me. Truly. I can probably count on one hand the people I dated that I didn't go on to become "serious" with. I simply had no filter, no bar, no qualifying standards. I felt so incomplete, so unable to cope, so "not enough." "
Ugh....Honeypig this just really resonates with me right now. Thank you! think I need to examine this a bit.
At the time, I couldn't imagine what that might be like. I mean, all my life, pretty much the only criteria I had for getting involved w/someone was that they had shown interest in me. Truly. I can probably count on one hand the people I dated that I didn't go on to become "serious" with. I simply had no filter, no bar, no qualifying standards. I felt so incomplete, so unable to cope, so "not enough." "
Ugh....Honeypig this just really resonates with me right now. Thank you! think I need to examine this a bit.
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Yeah, just to be clear, I didn't feel this way "out of the box" when I left my last ex (who wasn't an alcoholic). It took me some time to get comfortable with my singleness (and it should be noted I was drinking alcoholically when I kicked him out, and that escalated for three more years before I put the plug in the jug and started looking at the sorry state of my life).
So really, the GOOD work on embracing my singleness started when I got sober. Even before that, though, I had decided shortly after my breakup that I was swearing off men for an indefinite period. I knew enough to know any new relationship (especially given my drinking) was a very bad idea.
I didn't really stop to think how LONG this self-imposed hiatus would last. All I knew was that I needed some time and work on me. It actually came as a bit of a surprise after I was solidly sober and starting to live in a healthier way, that the thought of getting involved with someone really had lost its appeal.
I do NOT hate men--I just find I enjoy them a whole lot more as colleagues and friends than as lovers. But the more I invested in myself, the more I valued myself and the less willing I was to settle for someone just for the sake of company or a date for weddings and office parties. I don't worry about whether I "should" feel that way; I just accept that I DO feel that way, and I honor it by being true to myself.
So really, the GOOD work on embracing my singleness started when I got sober. Even before that, though, I had decided shortly after my breakup that I was swearing off men for an indefinite period. I knew enough to know any new relationship (especially given my drinking) was a very bad idea.
I didn't really stop to think how LONG this self-imposed hiatus would last. All I knew was that I needed some time and work on me. It actually came as a bit of a surprise after I was solidly sober and starting to live in a healthier way, that the thought of getting involved with someone really had lost its appeal.
I do NOT hate men--I just find I enjoy them a whole lot more as colleagues and friends than as lovers. But the more I invested in myself, the more I valued myself and the less willing I was to settle for someone just for the sake of company or a date for weddings and office parties. I don't worry about whether I "should" feel that way; I just accept that I DO feel that way, and I honor it by being true to myself.
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I hope I can get to the place where I feel comfortable being alone soon. I haven't been alone in such a long time. Altho, after typing that, I have really been alone for the last 10 yrs with my xa. I think back to good memoriesand all I can recall are bad ones. He referred to me as a 'dime a dozen', 'cold hearted', 'debbie downer'. He threw a lighter at my forehead, called me names and put me down to others, tackled me, twisted my wrist, txtd horrible things to me when i went out on dates last time we broke up, didn't want to chip in on living expenses and called me selfish for that. He looked/gawked at other women, told me badically he was only with me because i was his son's mom. The list goes on and on. So, I am OK knowing he is out of my life.
It is just the fear that NOW, he is going to be some great amd wonderful man for someone else. I wasn't goos enough to bring that out in him. I know it is ******** and I have been changing that message in my head. What I experience was real, volatile and degrading. It is really a blessing that he has moved on so quickly in many ways. I feel like I finally learned a valuable life lesson and the truth about what I deserve. I just need to release and let go. There is a lot of emotion involved with that. Years amd piles of bad feelings washing thru me.
It is just the fear that NOW, he is going to be some great amd wonderful man for someone else. I wasn't goos enough to bring that out in him. I know it is ******** and I have been changing that message in my head. What I experience was real, volatile and degrading. It is really a blessing that he has moved on so quickly in many ways. I feel like I finally learned a valuable life lesson and the truth about what I deserve. I just need to release and let go. There is a lot of emotion involved with that. Years amd piles of bad feelings washing thru me.
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letitend....you relly can relax...because your fear of him suddenly turning I nto some great and wonderful man is just another fantasy.
Aint gonna happen.
Based on what you have written, he isn't great, wonderful man material, at the baseline.
Other p eople don't just "bring out wonderful stuff in us"...it is our own efforts that put wonderful stuff out into the world.
What you describe, indicates a deeply flawed individual..with issues that go very deep.
Healthy people who have their own stuff together don't pair up with someone like that. Healthy seeks healthy..... If a healthy person stumbles onto such a person and has an attraction...they will cut them loose as soon as they get the picture of the real deal......
So, relax......
Aint gonna happen.
Based on what you have written, he isn't great, wonderful man material, at the baseline.
Other p eople don't just "bring out wonderful stuff in us"...it is our own efforts that put wonderful stuff out into the world.
What you describe, indicates a deeply flawed individual..with issues that go very deep.
Healthy people who have their own stuff together don't pair up with someone like that. Healthy seeks healthy..... If a healthy person stumbles onto such a person and has an attraction...they will cut them loose as soon as they get the picture of the real deal......
So, relax......
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Yes, exactly what Dandy said! As I read your last post, letitend, I had the same thoughts as she posted. You don't blame someone else for not somehow magically "making you a good person," for not somehow "bringing out" this deeply hidden well of goodness in you...
What a load of crap on his part! Nope, I'd bet my next paycheck that there's no prize at the bottom of THAT Cracker Jack box, not for anyone.
What a load of crap on his part! Nope, I'd bet my next paycheck that there's no prize at the bottom of THAT Cracker Jack box, not for anyone.
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When my relationship took the final dive that got me here six years ago I was terrified.
I knew that if I did not deal with myself I was going to perpetuate this same kind of relationship again and again and again.
I was torn apart, and grief stricken because ALL the other parties involved immediately were in relationship and/or married. (There was alcohol use and an affair scenario). I "thought" that meant that they were the picture of health, and I did a lot of comparisons of their "outside" situation, and my "inside" situation, and felt that I was lacking.
In retrospect though I was certainly the one that was hurting and was a "mess," I am so glad I gave myself this time.
I have come to realize that it was less about me learning about the problems in my last relationship that I needed to heal, and more about my lack of relationship with myself that was getting me into trouble.
I am working through some boundary pieces right now with friendships and family stuff, but just like exercise helps to build muscle, this practice helps me to build strength around keeping myself a priority in my own life.
Though I continue to be a work in progress, in the big picture I am the happiest I have ever been in life! I truly just "let go" of my relationship that got me here, and know that my future is bright.
I knew that if I did not deal with myself I was going to perpetuate this same kind of relationship again and again and again.
I was torn apart, and grief stricken because ALL the other parties involved immediately were in relationship and/or married. (There was alcohol use and an affair scenario). I "thought" that meant that they were the picture of health, and I did a lot of comparisons of their "outside" situation, and my "inside" situation, and felt that I was lacking.
In retrospect though I was certainly the one that was hurting and was a "mess," I am so glad I gave myself this time.
I have come to realize that it was less about me learning about the problems in my last relationship that I needed to heal, and more about my lack of relationship with myself that was getting me into trouble.
I am working through some boundary pieces right now with friendships and family stuff, but just like exercise helps to build muscle, this practice helps me to build strength around keeping myself a priority in my own life.
Though I continue to be a work in progress, in the big picture I am the happiest I have ever been in life! I truly just "let go" of my relationship that got me here, and know that my future is bright.
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Hugs to you, letitend.
Not surprised about the GF - he moved onto the next enabler to mooch off. You can rest assured that he will not turn into a wonderful man for her. Not a chance.
As for the GF - she must be not all there if she is dating a newly separated/divorced?/recovering? alcoholic guy. And she ain't getting a prize.
Not surprised about the GF - he moved onto the next enabler to mooch off. You can rest assured that he will not turn into a wonderful man for her. Not a chance.
As for the GF - she must be not all there if she is dating a newly separated/divorced?/recovering? alcoholic guy. And she ain't getting a prize.
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Nata - broken up. 10 year relationship. I never trusted him to marry him. My sadness and sense of loss is FEAR rearing its ugly head. The whole, "i can't lose him or leave him because he MAY become better for someone else." If he can become someone better without me, I suppose, that is a positive outlook on my son's life and mine. I have been crying on/off all day, but am feeling much better. I thought I wouldn't care if he 'found someone'. I guess I did a little more than I thought I would. It is crazy the way he just seems immediately distant. When I broke up with him last time, he would want to do 'family stuff'.
I am smart enough to know (I think) that he wasn't ever going to be a wonderful man for ME, and that is what is important in my life. I won't settle for someone who is completely irresponsible.
I know him. He is an addict and he won't admit it, so therefore, he will grapple with that until he does. He might be able to put lipstick on a pig, but in the end, it's still just a dressed-up pig. New sales job where he does quite well with his narcissistic personality and all, new bff roommate, new gf, and no more nagging gf that makes him face reality and responsibility. No more gf that won't get intimate because she has been let down so many times, told so many lies. No more having to hide beer cans under the sink or in the bbq. For now, anyways.
So yes, this girl may be in for quite a surprise. It will be interesting to see how long it lasts. If she is as big of a codependent, enabler as me, will soon be revealed. I have to say one last thing, not that is matters, but any females that we knew mutually have all told me they wouldn't mind seeing me if he wasn't here. His friend stayed with us about 6 months ago. I drove him to the store. While in the car alone he asked me what the point of having him around was. He asked, 'what does he DO for you?' His friends we knew in the past all asked me what I was doing with him. My mom, co-workers, friends and family never liked him for me. NOW, is the time to discover what the HECK I was thinking. I think that may involve the need for some support groups (al-anon) and counseling.
Thanks for your continued support throughout the last 24 hours.
I am smart enough to know (I think) that he wasn't ever going to be a wonderful man for ME, and that is what is important in my life. I won't settle for someone who is completely irresponsible.
I know him. He is an addict and he won't admit it, so therefore, he will grapple with that until he does. He might be able to put lipstick on a pig, but in the end, it's still just a dressed-up pig. New sales job where he does quite well with his narcissistic personality and all, new bff roommate, new gf, and no more nagging gf that makes him face reality and responsibility. No more gf that won't get intimate because she has been let down so many times, told so many lies. No more having to hide beer cans under the sink or in the bbq. For now, anyways.
So yes, this girl may be in for quite a surprise. It will be interesting to see how long it lasts. If she is as big of a codependent, enabler as me, will soon be revealed. I have to say one last thing, not that is matters, but any females that we knew mutually have all told me they wouldn't mind seeing me if he wasn't here. His friend stayed with us about 6 months ago. I drove him to the store. While in the car alone he asked me what the point of having him around was. He asked, 'what does he DO for you?' His friends we knew in the past all asked me what I was doing with him. My mom, co-workers, friends and family never liked him for me. NOW, is the time to discover what the HECK I was thinking. I think that may involve the need for some support groups (al-anon) and counseling.
Thanks for your continued support throughout the last 24 hours.
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