Smarie78

Thank you sparkle. The worst part is that he is playing with my emotions and texted me once saying, "hi sweetie how is your day?" after my barrage of texts and calls to him that he cannot be there when I come home or I will call police. Almost like I never said anything - like I am talking to someone else...It is so bizarre. I physically feel crazy right now.

Praying to God this is it and finally enough to leave him. I can't live like this anymore. I am going to have him leave tonight. I will have to be strong enough. He always says he is a survivor. He can survive outside of my little apartment. How dare they tell us so many proclamations of love and then treat us this way? How dare we allow ourselves to hear them, yet believing them, left long ago.

Eveartemis

Smarie78, I'm new to this, but I think I have a different perspective to offer you, if I may.

You made a decision to let him stay. And now you are calling it a mistake. I wonder if there were other reasons that only you know, either consciously or subconsciously, that went into that decision. If you examine the reasons why you chose to let him stay (what you hoped to get or to achieve), and evaluate carefully what you did get, what you did achieve, it will give you information to use in similar situations...and perhaps it will calm the emotional turmoil.

What I find more and more, is that people are reasonable. They make decisions based on how they see the world. And each of us are the only expert on our own personal world. You are the best equipped to make the decisions you are making. Not that it doesn't help to get input from other people, but in the end, you know what has and hasn't worked in the past for you, and you will bear the consequences for your decision.

I've been finding that as I accept my right and ability to make my own choices, that I am comfortable with my "him" making his...and living with the consequences. I can empathize with his pain, leave him to bear it, and trust him to make the choices that are his to make. (Perhaps alcoholism is for him, at this time, preferable to the other options in his world).

SparkleKitty

If you focus on the first question, you give over the power of your peace of mind to him.

If you focus on the second, you've got the keys to the kingdom in your hand.

atalose

It sounds like you are blaming yourself for his relapse like as if staying with you for only 4 days caused it.

When we have that kind of thinking, like WE are powerful enough to make someone else do x,y or z then we think we have that same power to make them stop doing x, y or z………..truth is, we have no power over anyone at any time except ourselves.

Again it sounds like you are taking on the responsibility for where he goes next. Why do you feel it’s up to you to be the one to find him a place when he’s worn out his welcome from other places and now from your place. His actions, his behavior, his disrespect are what bring about the results of people not wanting to tolerate unacceptable behavior. Where he goes after being asked to leave is all on him.

Your exit plan from this ill- fated relationship is being handed to you BY HIM, please grasp on to it.

Maudcat

Smarie, I hear what you are saying. Please don't be hard on yourself. If you want to put him out, put him out, regardless of whether he has a place to go or not. Not your worry, right? Good luck.

LexieCat

Not that this addresses your immediate situation (which actually can be resolved relatively quickly if you are willing to recognize the manipulation he engages in to dissuade you from making him leave), but it seems to me that you set yourself up for these situations by failing to act until he's in a condition where you feel you don't have the heart to put him out. You're sabotaging yourself.

Smarie78

You're exactly right. I remember even telling him when he asked to stay with me after I kept saying no. I said no for the most logical of reasons. No because every home he has lived in since the last year he has destroyed, and no because nothing he is doing makes me think this time will be different.

Last weekend I physically helped move him out of the destroyed apartment room he was living, packing away all the lovely things I bought him to make his space "homey" - a television I no longer used, candles, photo frames, pillows, etc. Things we moved into the space just two months ago. It felt like madness driving that moving van around with him... sweating, tired...we were just here with so much hope. I wondered what the hell I was doing.

Letting him stay with me is part of the weak boundaries I am trying to work on with a therapist. I said yes eventhough every particle of my being screamed no. The day he came to me and asked I said, "You know if you stay here and relapse I won't have the heart to kick you out on the streets? I am not strong enough".

And that's where we are....while shortly after I did let him know I decided I would kick him out if he disobeyed my rules, I dug my own grave the day I let him back in and let my guard down. It is now my problem that I did bring on myself, so all I can do is be a big girl and handle it.

Eveartemis - very wise words. I chose to let him stay because although I promised myself no, and though my boundaries are getting stronger than they were (never thought I could call the cops on him), I had my own boundary relapse when I felt the power of the situation drain right out of me. I had my own boundary relapse when I rescued him from his last binge for the countless time eventhough I stayed strong the week of. I was never hoping to gain any change from him, as while I am weak in boundaries, I'm aware of the reality. I suppose all I was doing in saying yes was avoiding his wrath and disapproval. We fall into manipulation even when we know better.

In some ways, codependents are no different than the alcoholic - falling into destructive temptations even when we know the outcomes. Then we become upset at the fire we lit the match to.

firebolt

BAM - that's it right there. I'd argue that we are similar to alcoholics in MOST ways. The same definition of insanity applies to us. We lie and tell ourselves that our destructive patterns only hurt us. We lie and tell ourselves it's not that bad. We neglect the people that really care for us for the one that really cares about alcohol. We are clearly addicted to a person. Our addiction to a person has similarly based roots, symptoms, crazy behaviors, and outcomes to the alcoholic's. We are pretty equally sick, I think. From the 20,000 foot view of myself, it wouldn't take much for my off and on (mostly on) love of men, food, shopping, pot and cigarettes to turn to a love of alcohol.

It often takes the same level of pain, fear, strength, determination, and STEPS for us to walk away (AND STAY AWAY) from our addiction, as it does for the alcoholic to get away from theirs.

LexieCat

So have you considered what it is that keeps you tied to this man? I mean, obviously he has SOME good qualities--many alcoholics, even the sickest, do. They are often kind and funny and charming when they aren't disgustingly drunk. Still, when it gets to the point where this guy is, and you're a nervous wreck from the relationship (and you didn't sound like you were doing that terrific even when you were living apart), what is preventing you from kindly, compassionately, allowing him to live his life while you are free from the insanity? What's keeping you from having a peaceful life--either on your own or with a partner who is capable of treating you decently?

It doesn't sound like you're afraid of him, so it's not fear (of him) keeping you there. It's not that he's making an effort to stay sober. You don't have economic ties or kids together.

If it's wanting to be "needed," believe me, there are foster kids, abandoned animals, elderly folks, and others who could use (and appreciate) your compassion. It's totally wasted here.

If it's fear of being alone, in my own experience, there is NOTHING as lonely as being in a relationship with an active alcoholic. A potted plant or a goldfish would provide more companionship.

Have you figured out what the obstacle is?

Smarie78

I really don't know the answer to that Lexie. There are times I daydream of us being apart, able to live my own life, free of the insanity, free of the lies I have built that I can barely keep straight. I lie to everyone. Every person who loves me I lie to so that I can keep the peace with them and make them know I am not allowing this person to hurt me. I lie because I'm too ashamed to tel people about this secret and painful life with him.
The funny thing is that I do not fear being alone. I have an enormous about of friends and family, a successful career, a lot of love in my life. (All by the way suffering at the moment because of this problem). I am okay on my own and in fact love the independence I haven't been able to achieve as my A is incredibly needy.
I also don't want to save anyone- at least I don't believe I do even though it seems to be in my DNA (save the world or else). So what does he give me? I haven't figured it out just yet. When he is sober he is my best friend in the world, I am attracted to him in every way. He is my partner. We feel right somehow. Bonded.
We met in a peculiar way that allowed us to find something in a muck of nothing. Maybe in the way we met gave us some worth.

I do know that whatever this is is not sustainable for more reasons than even the drinking culprit. I am working through my responsibility issues that make me somehow feel compelled to stick with him and not abandon him. My therapist can't even crack it.

letitend

Perhaps the fear of him meeting someone else and becoming the person you want him to be for you?

That fear kept me stuck for awhile with my xa. "Wishful thinking"

Smarie78

I think that for me it ultimately is a fear of abandoning him - being the last one there who could help him. I perused the A forum on here and one thread asked the question if they would have quit had a friendly hand intervened. Many said no, some said yes....I am afraid to abandon him, to put fear and pain into another human being. I am afraid of that burden. I am afraid of this one too.
I know the logic, yes I know it so well that doing so could in fact be the only thing that heals him if he does have a chance.

I am home today and have at least stuck to my guns in telling them that while he is somewhat sober enough now, it would be a good time for him to look for a place to stay tomorrow evening since I will not be home and can't chance the anxiety of him here alone. Even being here "on guard" and ridding the house of any threats is destroying me. The one little bottle of hand sanitizer I forgot to pack away I can't even trust him with.

AnvilheadII

you are NOT the LAST person who can help him. your profile thingie says you are in Chicago? there are TONS of resources available to help someone WHO WANTS HELP. detox centers, the ER, missions, shelters.

you are not leaving a 5 year old in the middle of the Mall of America. you will not be abandoning him......that is YOUR hook. it gives you a sense of power that YOU are the solution, YOU hold the oxygen tank. he has family out there somewhere, he has a wife and kids out there (now there you could talk about abandonment), he has former friends and colleagues - and i imagine he has probably burned most if not all of those bridges, by HIS actions.

remove yourself from the equation. don't base your actions on how you think it MIGHT affect him or CAUSE him to finally see the light and get sober. examine also if you are afraid of him getting sober WITHOUT your help. it's HIS life. all of it. time to give it back.

Bekindalways

Hey Smarie, looks like you are in an advanced training seminar for dealing with an addict. Yuck.

If what you are currently doing to get him our isn't working, get a plan to get him out whatever it takes.

I get the bad boundary thing. And love what you said above:

"In some ways, codependents are no different than the alcoholic - falling into destructive temptations even when we know the outcomes. Then we become upset at the fire we lit the match to."

^^^^^ So, so true!

Alcoholics seeking recovery often won't even drive down a street where they used to buy alcohol. When I left my A, I left the northern hemisphere so I would stay away from him; the draw was that bad.

Many of us have to go no-contact or we will be sucked back in.

Courage to you lady!

Seren

I understand that feeling, Smarie, I think many of us who have an alcoholic/addicted loved one do. That feeling that you are his last, best hope for survival. That you are keeping the wolves at bay. If only he would do what you want him to do he would be OK, and if you left he would never get better--he might even die. So you can't leave because his very life depends on you--except that it doesn't.

Forgive me but I have forgotten how long you have been with this man, Smarie, but I would ask "Is he getting better with you in his life, 'protecting' him?" Has your presence over the months/years made his active addiction and self-destructive behavior vanish? The fact that you clean up after him, allow him a place to stay, eat, sleep and shower may even be prolonging his active addiction--he can tell himself that "it's not so bad" or "I'm still OK. I'm not one of 'those' addicts because I have someplace to live."

As counter to your nurturing nature as it sounds, it may just be for his long-term good if you ask him to leave. Then maybe, just maybe, he will have to face the full brunt of his active addiction and will decide that it is finally time for HIM to take action--to do something to change.

You deserve peace, Smarie. I understand the turmoil that you feel right now, believe me. Sending hugs and prayers.

Seren

How are you doing today, Smarie? Did you have to call the police when you got home from work the other day?

You both are still in my prayers!

Smarie78

Hi Seren - Thank you for the warm and comforting thoughts. I never ended up kicking him out. No sooner than I posted about what I believed was a real decision, when it came to it, I failed and couldn't do it. I believe it in part because his relapse binges tend to last exactly a week and well, there we were coming up on our week *shrug*. I waited out the storm. He didn't destroy the home, but boy did he scare me. Where my fear was once him leaving to buy liquor or head to the bar which happens to be nearly attached to my apartment building downstairs, it turned to what else do I need to take down to the car and lock in the drunk so he won't drink it?

I made exactly two trips in the last week during his binge to haul all kinds of things to the car. Two trash bags of cleaning supplies, nail polish, toiletries, laundry spray, everything I could think of so he wouldn't ingest it. I was exhausted on every level. And so very paranoid and frightened. It was literally a week of being the net below all he was juggling. Now that he came down and is back from it he is scared at looking to the havoc. He is actually heading back here at the moment after a meeting with his employer. I am not sure if he still has his job, but I am doubtful since this has been going on for the last year (weeks of unexplained absences).

Maybe if I didn't kick him out this time, the job did. The question now is, will I force him to leave while he is in a period of sobriety? I know nothing else to bring me peace. Why does it feel so out of reach?

xraychick01

Holy cow this is so spot on! You did a wonderful job of explaining exactly how I feel, what I do, etc.