Need support
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 526
Need support
Hi All- a tough weekend for me. I was out with family at a restaurant and saw STBXAH's best friend and family and we were very close. Mrs. Best Friend has talked to me and assured me STBXAH is not drinking. It was good to see them but made me sad. Same time at the restaurant and my family gathering, my brother was there and he sees STBXAH socially once a week and he also states he is not drinking although he did say there is still liquor in the house. He filled me in on STBXAH health troubles. It made me miss him. Brother was being very kind- he cares for both of us and he was not pushing back when I said it's over. So on Monday, DD tells me that he is not drinking as well and has lost over 20 pounds in 4 months. Also that STBXAH wants some companionship- doesn't want to be "lonely." It is triggering me into thinking about going back again. But I just keep remembering the letter he sent saying he would forgive me! Some people I know have seen him at bars drinking soda!! But one person told me he was supposedly drinking a diet soda and acting really drunk- could barely talk. I think the Universe is giving me the opportunity to make my own decision- just for me- no matter how it looks to other people.
On another note- and please feel free to comment- I work as a nurse and I regularly work with alcoholics/drug abusers. Some in detox state- some with other medical problems- but about half of our patients have this. Other personnel always admired my ability to calmly deal- but now it is getting harder to detach. It is like I carried a protective cloak before- and now it's gone. I think I need to read the Four Agreements again.
On another note- and please feel free to comment- I work as a nurse and I regularly work with alcoholics/drug abusers. Some in detox state- some with other medical problems- but about half of our patients have this. Other personnel always admired my ability to calmly deal- but now it is getting harder to detach. It is like I carried a protective cloak before- and now it's gone. I think I need to read the Four Agreements again.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You ALWAYS have the opportunity to make your own decision--I hope you will make the decision that will make your life better. Not the one that momentarily makes you "feel better" when you feel sad or miss him. When you do that--make the decision that relieves painful feelings--it's not so different from the alcoholic who picks up a drink because it relieves the incredibly painful urges to drink. In both cases, giving in only feeds the basic problem and puts a person in a position for more suffering.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 526
I agree. I think my addiction had been him- and before him other men. I do get obsessed. Trying not to think about him. Just to clarify, I work on a medical floor- just a lot of alcoholics/drug abusers come through with pneumonia, fall injuries, seizures, hepatitis, bad infections, etc. I do not work on a drug treatment floor.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
You ALWAYS have the opportunity to make your own decision--I hope you will make the decision that will make your life better. Not the one that momentarily makes you "feel better" when you feel sad or miss him. When you do that--make the decision that relieves painful feelings--it's not so different from the alcoholic who picks up a drink because it relieves the incredibly painful urges to drink. In both cases, giving in only feeds the basic problem and puts a person in a position for more suffering.
Anyhoo... I have decided that for today I won't ring or text him. Let's see if I can get through at least one day!! There is an alanon meeting on Sunday - I think its time to make a first meeting!
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Please do try to get to that Al-Anon meeting, dailystruggle. The network of strength, experience and wisdom could be just what you need to help cope with your feelings of loss and loneliness. Give it a go. Peace.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
qtpi.....I encourage you to google Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. and read his various articles that you find interesting. There are several. Dr. Garrett is a psychiatrist who has written a lot about addiction and alcoholism.
These articles really explain how the alcoholic mind works, better than any I have ever read.....
You might. especially, like the ones---"The Addict's Dilemma"...."Excuses Alcoholics Make"...."Addiction, Lies, and Relationships"....
I have worked in the medical field for my whole life and worked with a lot of alcoholics, also. (as an RN, then, PA and counseling).....I have also worked in psychiatry and have been the medical co-ordinator of a dru g and alcohol program for a large HMO...
It is often that medical people will be very good at recognizing the physical signs and symptoms of alcoholism.....but, for most, unless they have had special training, don't have much of a grounding in the psychological dynamics of addiction and alcoholism. Indepth understanding of that is a whole field of study within itself...lol....
I, also, learned that when the alcoholism is within your own immediate family or very close circle...we cannot treat our own! We are too enmeshed and our objectivity is lost. We have to rely on other professionals to do what they do best. (for our loved ones and for o urselves).....
LOL...I am sure that you know that medical people often make the worst patients!...lol.......
These articles really explain how the alcoholic mind works, better than any I have ever read.....
You might. especially, like the ones---"The Addict's Dilemma"...."Excuses Alcoholics Make"...."Addiction, Lies, and Relationships"....
I have worked in the medical field for my whole life and worked with a lot of alcoholics, also. (as an RN, then, PA and counseling).....I have also worked in psychiatry and have been the medical co-ordinator of a dru g and alcohol program for a large HMO...
It is often that medical people will be very good at recognizing the physical signs and symptoms of alcoholism.....but, for most, unless they have had special training, don't have much of a grounding in the psychological dynamics of addiction and alcoholism. Indepth understanding of that is a whole field of study within itself...lol....
I, also, learned that when the alcoholism is within your own immediate family or very close circle...we cannot treat our own! We are too enmeshed and our objectivity is lost. We have to rely on other professionals to do what they do best. (for our loved ones and for o urselves).....
LOL...I am sure that you know that medical people often make the worst patients!...lol.......
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 526
Dandylion- thank you for the garrett website. I think I myself am getting over being addicted to STBXAH! But how do you deal on a professional level with addicts? lately their rudeness and self-centered behavior is making me angry and I just want to walk away from them, and I can't do that if I need to take care of them physically. Recently a patient was being very rude, and I didn't say a word, just walked out of the room. I came back later and of course he was glum and pissed that I would not stand for his nonsense.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I just ordered & got the 4 Agreements Companion Book in the mail yesterday... have you read it? I'm thinking it'll be a great way to read the agreements again but in a new way?
I'm sorry you are struggling!
I'm sorry you are struggling!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
But how do you deal on a professional level with addicts?
QTIP
Quite
Taking
It
Personally
Think of their bad behavior as a symptom of the bigger illness cause which brought about the secondary injury/illness they are currently being treated for.
I know for me it took me a while to grasp the QTIP because every A I came into contact with triggered me, causing anticipation, anxiety, anger and old tapes playing in my head. But the more I can detach the better I can react to other A’s who happen to come across my path in life.
QTIP
Quite
Taking
It
Personally
Think of their bad behavior as a symptom of the bigger illness cause which brought about the secondary injury/illness they are currently being treated for.
I know for me it took me a while to grasp the QTIP because every A I came into contact with triggered me, causing anticipation, anxiety, anger and old tapes playing in my head. But the more I can detach the better I can react to other A’s who happen to come across my path in life.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
qtpi......about your question----I'll make this stab at it...lol.....------
As you know, sick people are frequently cross, angry, fearful and irritable. Some can even be very hostile, demanding, insulting, acting out...etc.
And, that just comes with the territory that we have chosen to work with. And, of course, we learn, early on to detach from the behavior and consider it a part of their illness or condition.
But, still, we are human and not robots. This is what I have found---I can, especially, remember working in psychiatry. Sometimes, about once a month, we were required to work a 10 day stretch...and everyone noticed that, after about day 7, we had a much shorter "fuse" for difficult behavior. Much less patience and even snappish with other staff, more than usual. Then, after three or more days off....we would return, fresh, cheerful, tolerant, and, generally in a better all round frame of mind.
I learned, from that, that when working in a very stressful environment...one had to get their needs met away from the hospital, and, get the batteries recharged, there.
It is a matter of too much going out...and too little coming in. simple, but, very true!
In your situation, it may well be, also, that you are being triggered by the alcoholics and may be projecting some of your anger at the boyfriend onto them. That would be very understandable.
I hope that you are now in therapy or counseling as support for working through your own personal "stuff". Otherwise, a person can get very burnt out.
Burnout is not uncommon in medical high stress areas.....sigh....
I hope these comments are of some help for you.....
As you know, sick people are frequently cross, angry, fearful and irritable. Some can even be very hostile, demanding, insulting, acting out...etc.
And, that just comes with the territory that we have chosen to work with. And, of course, we learn, early on to detach from the behavior and consider it a part of their illness or condition.
But, still, we are human and not robots. This is what I have found---I can, especially, remember working in psychiatry. Sometimes, about once a month, we were required to work a 10 day stretch...and everyone noticed that, after about day 7, we had a much shorter "fuse" for difficult behavior. Much less patience and even snappish with other staff, more than usual. Then, after three or more days off....we would return, fresh, cheerful, tolerant, and, generally in a better all round frame of mind.
I learned, from that, that when working in a very stressful environment...one had to get their needs met away from the hospital, and, get the batteries recharged, there.
It is a matter of too much going out...and too little coming in. simple, but, very true!
In your situation, it may well be, also, that you are being triggered by the alcoholics and may be projecting some of your anger at the boyfriend onto them. That would be very understandable.
I hope that you are now in therapy or counseling as support for working through your own personal "stuff". Otherwise, a person can get very burnt out.
Burnout is not uncommon in medical high stress areas.....sigh....
I hope these comments are of some help for you.....
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