Distancing
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: NH
Posts: 45
Distancing
Hi All~ My AH messaged me yesterday to "apologize" for being "blah" lately...he just feels we are a "little disconnected" lately. Well...DUH...so now here is my question as I feel conflicted with what i want...what i need..where I am at this moment and where I see us headed....
Am I supposed to say to him....of course you feel we are disconnected...WE ARE..your drinking puts up a wall that I am unwilling to climb....I try everyday to give it one more chance...to see how you are going to come home...or what i am going to come home to...YOU KNOW that you need to quit drinking ...you have said the words...YOU have been there too many times to quit....as I have been told in the past to not confront...especially while drinking....
OR do i have this conversation with him? Do i say these things to him...at this point I have given up....too many chances...too many things that have put me in a position that I HATE....too much has happened...the cheating being the obvious worst part for me...and the one thing i refuse to let go of...to forgive...the cheating...the not being able to truly trust him...deep down knowing that he has done it recently (on his business trip) with no proof (although our Marriage Counselor has said that my gut is the only proof I need)....knowing he will do it again...sickly...actually hoping he does it again...so I can just be DONE for good...and I hate that feeling too...like if I don't give him the chances until he does it again...I have failed...so much to process...what do i do...what do i say...in those moments...
Am I supposed to say to him....of course you feel we are disconnected...WE ARE..your drinking puts up a wall that I am unwilling to climb....I try everyday to give it one more chance...to see how you are going to come home...or what i am going to come home to...YOU KNOW that you need to quit drinking ...you have said the words...YOU have been there too many times to quit....as I have been told in the past to not confront...especially while drinking....
OR do i have this conversation with him? Do i say these things to him...at this point I have given up....too many chances...too many things that have put me in a position that I HATE....too much has happened...the cheating being the obvious worst part for me...and the one thing i refuse to let go of...to forgive...the cheating...the not being able to truly trust him...deep down knowing that he has done it recently (on his business trip) with no proof (although our Marriage Counselor has said that my gut is the only proof I need)....knowing he will do it again...sickly...actually hoping he does it again...so I can just be DONE for good...and I hate that feeling too...like if I don't give him the chances until he does it again...I have failed...so much to process...what do i do...what do i say...in those moments...
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Posts: 48
Kw0920 i went back and read your previous posts. you tell him all of it. you tell him the honest 100% truth of what his actions are doing to the family and how they are making you feel.
you and your babies deserve so so much more then he is giving you. your children are still young enough that you can start over - without him - and pretty much all they will remember is a mother that isn't an enabler. they will see a strong and healthy woman who would do anything to protect her children because of the love she feels for them.
and nothing you can do can drive him to drink, that's all on him. 100%.
i'm coming at this from both sides. in the beginning the bf was the drinker - the one always coming home drunk, checking out of life and just not showing up. i did everything i could think of to try and get him to change. he did make an effort once but all that became of it was me being even more defeted. i ended up with the 'if you can't beat them, join them' mentality. my kids were 2 & 5 when i started drinking with him and to cope.
now, three yrs later, i'm starting to see the damage i'm causing my babies by 1 - staying in this relationship and 2 - being part of the the problem by drinking. i'm 7 days sober and i can already see a positive change in my dd. right now my plan is to get my act together, save up a little money and start getting the house ready to sell. if by spring the bf hasn't caught up to where i'm at and is 100% sober - i'm leaving.
i'm leaving for me and i'm leaving for my babies. we both deserve so much more happiness and stability then we are getting living the life we do. i know i can give the three of us better then what we have right now.
you and your babies deserve so so much more then he is giving you. your children are still young enough that you can start over - without him - and pretty much all they will remember is a mother that isn't an enabler. they will see a strong and healthy woman who would do anything to protect her children because of the love she feels for them.
and nothing you can do can drive him to drink, that's all on him. 100%.
i'm coming at this from both sides. in the beginning the bf was the drinker - the one always coming home drunk, checking out of life and just not showing up. i did everything i could think of to try and get him to change. he did make an effort once but all that became of it was me being even more defeted. i ended up with the 'if you can't beat them, join them' mentality. my kids were 2 & 5 when i started drinking with him and to cope.
now, three yrs later, i'm starting to see the damage i'm causing my babies by 1 - staying in this relationship and 2 - being part of the the problem by drinking. i'm 7 days sober and i can already see a positive change in my dd. right now my plan is to get my act together, save up a little money and start getting the house ready to sell. if by spring the bf hasn't caught up to where i'm at and is 100% sober - i'm leaving.
i'm leaving for me and i'm leaving for my babies. we both deserve so much more happiness and stability then we are getting living the life we do. i know i can give the three of us better then what we have right now.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
What good would saying any of those things do for you or your marriage? Has speaking your truth ever changed things in the past with him? He already knows its a problem. And you know it's a problem. Will saying it to him make you feel better? Do you need him to validate that it's a problem for you? You don't have to answer these to me...they are just questions that helped me when I felt the same way you do now.
At some point, once we've said it all, and nothing has changed....we have to accept that this is how things are, until one or both parties DRASTICALLY changes something.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
So....you don't have to say anything in response to his message. AND, you do not need a reason to go. We are allowed to divorce anyone at any time for any reason....and it sounds like you have more than enough reasons to feel justified about walking away....no matter what he says about it.
At some point, once we've said it all, and nothing has changed....we have to accept that this is how things are, until one or both parties DRASTICALLY changes something.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
So....you don't have to say anything in response to his message. AND, you do not need a reason to go. We are allowed to divorce anyone at any time for any reason....and it sounds like you have more than enough reasons to feel justified about walking away....no matter what he says about it.
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