Enabling vs Choosing the best of limited options
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 13
Firesprite, I am feeling like I'm being told what to do and what to think.
My whole life, it seems, I've conformed to a set of behaviors and beliefs because it was held by the group I felt I belonged to, and who valued me as a person. Unfortunately, sharing my struggles with an alcoholic husband isn't acceptable in that group, and therefore, I'm feeling socially isolated.
So I was searching on line for a support group. But while I see that I am not alone in the pain of alcoholism, I get the distinct impression that living with an alcoholic husband isn't acceptable in this group, and so I find myself on the outside of this group, too.
I'm not here to make waves, just looking for someone who is in the same place I am that may have some ideas of how best to live with the husband I have.
My whole life, it seems, I've conformed to a set of behaviors and beliefs because it was held by the group I felt I belonged to, and who valued me as a person. Unfortunately, sharing my struggles with an alcoholic husband isn't acceptable in that group, and therefore, I'm feeling socially isolated.
So I was searching on line for a support group. But while I see that I am not alone in the pain of alcoholism, I get the distinct impression that living with an alcoholic husband isn't acceptable in this group, and so I find myself on the outside of this group, too.
I'm not here to make waves, just looking for someone who is in the same place I am that may have some ideas of how best to live with the husband I have.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Originally Posted by Eveartemis 
Firesprite, I am feeling like I'm being told what to do and what to think.
My whole life, it seems, I've conformed to a set of behaviors and beliefs because it was held by the group I felt I belonged to, and who valued me as a person. Unfortunately, sharing my struggles with an alcoholic husband isn't acceptable in that group, and therefore, I'm feeling socially isolated.
So I was searching on line for a support group. But while I see that I am not alone in the pain of alcoholism, I get the distinct impression that living with an alcoholic husband isn't acceptable in this group, and so I find myself on the outside of this group, too.
I'm not here to make waves, just looking for someone who is in the same place I am that may have some ideas of how best to live with the husband I have.
My whole life, it seems, I've conformed to a set of behaviors and beliefs because it was held by the group I felt I belonged to, and who valued me as a person. Unfortunately, sharing my struggles with an alcoholic husband isn't acceptable in that group, and therefore, I'm feeling socially isolated.
So I was searching on line for a support group. But while I see that I am not alone in the pain of alcoholism, I get the distinct impression that living with an alcoholic husband isn't acceptable in this group, and so I find myself on the outside of this group, too.
I'm not here to make waves, just looking for someone who is in the same place I am that may have some ideas of how best to live with the husband I have.
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
Originally Posted by Eveartemis
Firesprite, I am feeling like I'm being told what to do and what to think.
My whole life, it seems, I've conformed to a set of behaviors and beliefs because it was held by the group I felt I belonged to, and who valued me as a person. Unfortunately, sharing my struggles with an alcoholic husband isn't acceptable in that group, and therefore, I'm feeling socially isolated.
So I was searching on line for a support group. But while I see that I am not alone in the pain of alcoholism, I get the distinct impression that living with an alcoholic husband isn't acceptable in this group, and so I find myself on the outside of this group, too.
I'm not here to make waves, just looking for someone who is in the same place I am that may have some ideas of how best to live with the husband I have.
My whole life, it seems, I've conformed to a set of behaviors and beliefs because it was held by the group I felt I belonged to, and who valued me as a person. Unfortunately, sharing my struggles with an alcoholic husband isn't acceptable in that group, and therefore, I'm feeling socially isolated.
So I was searching on line for a support group. But while I see that I am not alone in the pain of alcoholism, I get the distinct impression that living with an alcoholic husband isn't acceptable in this group, and so I find myself on the outside of this group, too.
I'm not here to make waves, just looking for someone who is in the same place I am that may have some ideas of how best to live with the husband I have.
Stick around, pull up a chair, and look at the similarities in our behaviors and thoughts with yours. Not the differences in our relationship statuses.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Eveartemis
Firesprite, I am feeling like I'm being told what to do and what to think.
My whole life, it seems, I've conformed to a set of behaviors and beliefs because it was held by the group I felt I belonged to, and who valued me as a person. Unfortunately, sharing my struggles with an alcoholic husband isn't acceptable in that group, and therefore, I'm feeling socially isolated.
So I was searching on line for a support group. But while I see that I am not alone in the pain of alcoholism, I get the distinct impression that living with an alcoholic husband isn't acceptable in this group, and so I find myself on the outside of this group, too.
I'm not here to make waves, just looking for someone who is in the same place I am that may have some ideas of how best to live with the husband I have.
My whole life, it seems, I've conformed to a set of behaviors and beliefs because it was held by the group I felt I belonged to, and who valued me as a person. Unfortunately, sharing my struggles with an alcoholic husband isn't acceptable in that group, and therefore, I'm feeling socially isolated.
So I was searching on line for a support group. But while I see that I am not alone in the pain of alcoholism, I get the distinct impression that living with an alcoholic husband isn't acceptable in this group, and so I find myself on the outside of this group, too.
I'm not here to make waves, just looking for someone who is in the same place I am that may have some ideas of how best to live with the husband I have.
In reality, I'm likely in the most under-represented dynamic of all around here.... staying in a marriage with a recovering partner while we each work through our childhood damage & adult mistakes = both partners in recovery & still together despite having had a 2+ year separation. There are very few others like me that post here but no one has ever told me to leave or what to do....... just like no one is saying that to you; you're interpreting it that way through your filter, IMHO.
At the same time, if what you are looking for are methods of making unacceptable behavior acceptable, then no, we probably aren't the "right" audience. My posts represent a true account of my personal life experiences & that reality is that nothing works long-term to make the uncontrollable & unpredictable progression of addiction more palatable or livable.
If you haven't read this thread, it might be worth your time:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
I just wanted to share something that happened last night--
My friend's 20 year old son came by out of the blue. He was feeling down and came over because he said my house is calming and safe for him. He said it's really the only space he has in his life like that.
My son made dinner for all of us including one of his friends, we hung out all night...and it reminded me of how scared I was a few years ago at the thought of shaking up that perfect home and life I had planned. And how grateful I am that my life--however different than envisioned--is so very good. My home is happy. It's actually warmer and more loving than it was before. People feel more welcome and less like they're intruding.
If you find yourself leaning toward leaving, please don't let fear of crushing the American Dream hold you back. Whether you choose to stay or go, know that your home is always what you make it. Just take care of yourself as well. You only get one go-round too.
My good friend's dad stayed with his wife while she drank herself to death. He felt it was the right thing to do. He went to Alanon, built his own life and interests, and came home to her each night getting progressively worse and worse. My friend and his sisters stopped inviting her to family functions, not wanting it around their kids. That added some stress when their dad felt like he couldn't come without her. After a few years he came alone anyway, when he realized he was missing his grandkids' lives. After a few more years she passed away.
People do sometimes stay. If your husband doesn't stop drinking, it will get progressively worse, and could last a very long time. But if you're prepared for it and want to be there with him, please do it! We'll cheer you on and continue to ask you to make sure you also take care of yourself.
My friend's 20 year old son came by out of the blue. He was feeling down and came over because he said my house is calming and safe for him. He said it's really the only space he has in his life like that.
My son made dinner for all of us including one of his friends, we hung out all night...and it reminded me of how scared I was a few years ago at the thought of shaking up that perfect home and life I had planned. And how grateful I am that my life--however different than envisioned--is so very good. My home is happy. It's actually warmer and more loving than it was before. People feel more welcome and less like they're intruding.
If you find yourself leaning toward leaving, please don't let fear of crushing the American Dream hold you back. Whether you choose to stay or go, know that your home is always what you make it. Just take care of yourself as well. You only get one go-round too.
My good friend's dad stayed with his wife while she drank herself to death. He felt it was the right thing to do. He went to Alanon, built his own life and interests, and came home to her each night getting progressively worse and worse. My friend and his sisters stopped inviting her to family functions, not wanting it around their kids. That added some stress when their dad felt like he couldn't come without her. After a few years he came alone anyway, when he realized he was missing his grandkids' lives. After a few more years she passed away.
People do sometimes stay. If your husband doesn't stop drinking, it will get progressively worse, and could last a very long time. But if you're prepared for it and want to be there with him, please do it! We'll cheer you on and continue to ask you to make sure you also take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 196
Hi Eve - I'm sorry you feel that you're not being supported in deciding to stay with your H. I think there are a couple things that might help.
1) When I first came here, I was determined to stay with my now XAH. However, I was under the mistaken impression that I could do the "right" thing or say the "right" thing that would make him instantly see the error of his ways. He would quit drinking and we'd live happily ever after. Of course, that never happened. It was not my job to do that. However, I was able to see that this group is not about how I was managing him, it is about how I am managing me.
2) My story, your story, mostly everyone's story, has a common thread. I don't know anyone on here who came here thinking "my A-whatever got drunk once and I want to leave". We have made ourselves sick, crazy and angry by staying. We've stayed waaaaaay beyond reason. We came here because we didn't know what else to do. And those who were here before us gently (and not-so-gently sometimes) said, "Hey! You can't fix your husband/wife/parent/kid...but you can fix yourself. And by the way, what you are dealing can change...if *you* change it." So I don't think the way it comes across ("you should leave because you're doomed") is really "we've been there. You can't change him. You *can* change you. Do you want to live the way you're currently living for the rest of your life?" Only you can decide what is right. If that means staying, that's fine. Remember, nothing changes if nothing changes. There are some success stories here and I am happy to read about them. My success story unfortunately meant I had to leave my AH because the only one I am in charge of is me. And I personally couldn't live like that anymore.
So. Long story short. I'm saying not to touch the stove because when I touched it, I burned my hand. Maybe your stove isn't hot.
Hugs to you. I honestly *love* your logical approach. Please keep posting.
1) When I first came here, I was determined to stay with my now XAH. However, I was under the mistaken impression that I could do the "right" thing or say the "right" thing that would make him instantly see the error of his ways. He would quit drinking and we'd live happily ever after. Of course, that never happened. It was not my job to do that. However, I was able to see that this group is not about how I was managing him, it is about how I am managing me.
2) My story, your story, mostly everyone's story, has a common thread. I don't know anyone on here who came here thinking "my A-whatever got drunk once and I want to leave". We have made ourselves sick, crazy and angry by staying. We've stayed waaaaaay beyond reason. We came here because we didn't know what else to do. And those who were here before us gently (and not-so-gently sometimes) said, "Hey! You can't fix your husband/wife/parent/kid...but you can fix yourself. And by the way, what you are dealing can change...if *you* change it." So I don't think the way it comes across ("you should leave because you're doomed") is really "we've been there. You can't change him. You *can* change you. Do you want to live the way you're currently living for the rest of your life?" Only you can decide what is right. If that means staying, that's fine. Remember, nothing changes if nothing changes. There are some success stories here and I am happy to read about them. My success story unfortunately meant I had to leave my AH because the only one I am in charge of is me. And I personally couldn't live like that anymore.
So. Long story short. I'm saying not to touch the stove because when I touched it, I burned my hand. Maybe your stove isn't hot.
Hugs to you. I honestly *love* your logical approach. Please keep posting.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Eveartemis.....in alanon groups there are lots of people who have chosen to stay with their husbands. There are those who didn't, also.
No one is told what to do about their marriage.
The focus is on the member---not the spouse.
In other words...how do you feel? What do you want?
It is more about you and the choice that you want.
If you want to stay..nobody wil tell you to leave.
If you want to leave..nobody will tell you to stay.
The choice is yours to make. You have Free Will. You, in the end, have to find your own way.
this forum is not, officially. alanon. Although, many members apply some alanon concepts and some do attend alanon.
Remember, that each person, here, speaks from their own experience.....
Each person has their own story......and, not all people are the same...although, we may share common human feeelings..
I have always liked this advice--pick what helps and works for you and leave the rest....
No one is told what to do about their marriage.
The focus is on the member---not the spouse.
In other words...how do you feel? What do you want?
It is more about you and the choice that you want.
If you want to stay..nobody wil tell you to leave.
If you want to leave..nobody will tell you to stay.
The choice is yours to make. You have Free Will. You, in the end, have to find your own way.
this forum is not, officially. alanon. Although, many members apply some alanon concepts and some do attend alanon.
Remember, that each person, here, speaks from their own experience.....
Each person has their own story......and, not all people are the same...although, we may share common human feeelings..
I have always liked this advice--pick what helps and works for you and leave the rest....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 13
Thank you all, once again. Firesprite, I read Wisconsin's thoughts on newcomers' responses and could relate. There is a part of me that always wants to be unique. Lol, a part that screams I amunique. But Shockozulu is right, I can choose to check out our similarities rather than our differences.
Praying, I love your picture of a house of peace to share with those who need refuge. That is my aspiration. It may be that I will have to wait until my husband is gone to fully realize it, but it gives me renewed hope that it's still possible to dream and a sense of comfort that you value it, too.
Praying, I love your picture of a house of peace to share with those who need refuge. That is my aspiration. It may be that I will have to wait until my husband is gone to fully realize it, but it gives me renewed hope that it's still possible to dream and a sense of comfort that you value it, too.
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