Doubts

Old 10-03-2016, 04:13 PM
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Unhappy Doubts

Hi ,
I'm new here. I read a lot of topic on this forum and sometimes it helped me a lot, today I have a question to ask.. so I jump. Also english is not my first language, I'm sorry for any verb problem or grammar.

What are the tricks you found in your recovery to stop doubting yourself when your alcoholic say lies or have a different story about what happened?
Here is the story..
I'm an adult child of an alcoholic father who's trying to stay sober. Recently he relapsed for 4-5 month and went to counselling this week end.
He called me yesterday to say he was back and was asking if I was still angry with him.
I was angry not because he relapse but because he lied to us (sisters and brothers) and he was very mean to me while intoxicated. I work with my counsellor to apply a zero tolerance policy on talking to him while intoxicated to protect myself. Not answering the phone or cutting short when he don't speak clearly is part of that and he knows it.
So I told him yes but less since he went to the center to take care of himself, that anyway now was not the time to talk about that (I was at work) and I was happy that he went to take care of himself.
Then he told me: "I have to tell you that you have your own wrongdoing in that story (of me being angry)" !?!?!? I was like.. (in my head) WHAT??
And before hanging up he told me that the other time I thought he was drunk he was not and I was wrong.

I told the story to non-alcoholics people around me who knows him and the situation and they all tell me that I'm not at fault..
I'm the quiet one in the family, all I want for us is trying to keep a "good" relationship with him given the circonstances. Even if my entourage told me that.. I don't believe them?!?!? I doubt myself and still give him credit.

I'm tired of being the one punished when is going in denial, I know it's not my fault but somewhere I still don't know.
Any help or similar story would be helpful.
Thanks
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Old 10-03-2016, 05:08 PM
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Hi, Christmas bunny (am I close? French is not only NOT my first language, it's not one of my languages at all, but I know a few words),

It's very, very common--as I'm sure you know--for alcoholics to blame everyone but themselves for any problems in their lives. It sounds to me like you are taking very good care of yourself--seeing a counselor, making good boundaries--but it's very easy to keep second-guessing yourself, just because we hear from the alcoholic how "wrong" we are all the time.

You're NOT wrong. Keep doing what you're doing, and try not to take the nonsense he tells you seriously. Consider the source.

Keep it up with your counselor--you're doing great, and your confidence will improve with time.

Hugs!
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Old 10-03-2016, 06:12 PM
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Yes It's Xmas bunny.. it's the first two word that rang in my head when I wrote the username. hihihi It doesn't mean something mysterious.

Thanks a lot for this rational and sweet reply. I mean rational in a good way.. I've heard a lot of irrational things from my parents in my life so I feel like my emotions are swinging easily and I don't know if they are appropriate or not. (always in doubts)
So yes, sometimes a rational, well written and nice answer means a lot.

I will continue this healing path and I need to check myself again and again.. I thought it was only a question of setting my limits but it's also checking in myself to see the effect he can still create in my mind and emotions.
He called me again tonight, left a message and called back later ... when he call a second time that's never a good sign, it means he wants to be confirmed/heard/validated and that means drinking. In the second message he was slurring.. my guess was good.
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Old 10-03-2016, 06:59 PM
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See? You are very perceptive.

No need to be talking to him tonight, then. And really, there's nothing wrong with cutting off contact entirely--at least until he is solidly sober. Your life doesn't have to be good day/bad day depending on how much he's had to drink and what he might say to you.

I hope you will keep posting--your English is pretty darned good!
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Old 10-03-2016, 07:15 PM
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Welcome my friend,
I agree with lexie. No need to listen to another alcoholic lie. It really doesn't matter, as he is a adult and he can choose how he spends his time. But, you are also an adult and you have choices also. I would not engage with him at all. I finally cut off all contact with my axh (alcoholic x husband) 3 months ago and it really does feel good not engaging . Hang in there my friend, you are doing great!!
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Old 10-03-2016, 07:23 PM
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Thanks 😊
I think I've started to understand more about this, the effect he can have on me and the other member of my family and how growing with this affect me now.
Just need to apply it and believe it. That's more difficult.
Yes I will post again. It helps to have insights from people who've been there.
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Old 10-03-2016, 07:40 PM
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maia 1234

I'm thinking about it but I'm not ready to take a final decision. Yes there is guilt but there is also some thinking to do about that and maybe I want to see myself being able to just be strong in front of the situation. I don't know for now.

I'm tired ... I wish I could just sleep that aspect of my life.
He verbally abused me when I was a teenager and now I just started to link that to my anxiety and that's it! Now I think I'm at the end of what I can take. Not in an angry way, a sad and tired way.
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Old 10-03-2016, 08:01 PM
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Hon,
This is not a race. It takes time to build up the strength to do the things we need to do. Knowledge is power.

Read all over this forum, ask questions, it will slowly come together, with or without him in your life. You can do anything you set your mind to do!! Get some sleep, hopefully you will feel better In the morning.
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Old 10-03-2016, 08:13 PM
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The other thing to remember, too, is that you don't need to cut off contact forever. It might turn out that way, if he doesn't change and you decide you like the peace that comes with not having constant drama, but you don't have to make that decision from the start.

It's OK to tell your dad that you love him, but that for your own peace of mind you are not going to be accepting calls or other communication from him for a while. If he asks how long, you can say that you don't know but that your interactions with him are bad for you right now.

So it doesn't have to be vicious or mean on your part--how HE handles it is up to him.

Just something for you to think about.
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Old 10-04-2016, 03:23 AM
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lapindenoel.......are you familiar with Adult Children of Alcoholics?
We have a forum for this on SR, also.....
I think you would derive a lot of benefit from that group.....sine you ARE an adult child of an alcoholic..lol.....

You can still post here, also...as well as continue your regular counseling.....
I have no doubt, that this has had a tremendous and global effect on you.......
And, I am so glad that you have the ego strength to look after your own welfare!!
You will not regret it.....
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Old 10-04-2016, 02:53 PM
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Hello friend,
Lies are part and parcel of being an alcoholic! I have personally come to the conclusion that their lies are not DELIBERATE...they are just a survival technique. To them, they MUST have that drink, so they will SAY, or sometimes DO whatever is necessary to ensure that they get it! I know it feels like a betrayal every time they insult your intelligence with ridiculous nonsense, but I try to remember that they are not really attacking me...they are just desperate! You love your father, and that is just as I
t should be, but you are a sensible person with your own valid feelings. You should never stop loving and caring for your dad...but you matter too! X
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Old 10-04-2016, 06:47 PM
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Thanks everyone for your thoughts. xxx
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