HopingForCure

It has been a month and a half since I went no contact. I am overall doing ok. Very grateful that I had the courage to move out of the relationship and that I did not end up getting married to him like I was going to.

But, my happy place is still when I day dream about being with him and his family...in a house with all of us together. It still brings a smile on my face and helps me stay calm. I come up with happy scenarios in my head..like a movie...and all the actors consist of his family and him. How unhealthy is this? I certainly DO NOT plan on getting back together with him. Never! But I cannot control my mind. Will this eventually fade?

LexieCat

No, it's not particularly healthy.

And you actually DO have some control over your mind. You don't have to play out that entire fantasy tape. You can tell yourself, that's a log of baloney--you can replace those happy images with ones of you tearfully cleaning up after yet another alcoholic mess, and that "loving family" of his (who was so anxious for the two of you to get married) blaming you for not "fixing" him.

And you might throw in a couple of scared and crying kids, for good measure. Because he was SO anxious to start a family, right?

THAT would have been your reality. Daydreaming about winning the lottery is harmless. Daydreaming about a happy future with a guy already having seizures from alcohol withdrawal is asking for trouble.

SparkleKitty

I agree, it's not particularly healthy, and in my opinion, it speaks to the fact that you still have a lot of acceptance in front of you, about who he really is, about what addiction really does to a person, to a family, and to a relationship.

Acceptance of what was real, as opposed to what I wished for, was enormously freeing.

MyLoves

hun - your hanging on to and daydreaming about an IDEA not what is reality.

maia1234

HFC,
I still do the day dreaming, but it is less and less. Reality wakes me up when he is doing something really shxtty to my girls. Then I realize that is no longer an option and think of positives of a man who is healthy and normal, unlike AXH.

Hugs my friend, keep the no contact and post here often, We will talk you out of the fantasy!!

Smarie78

It's normal to feel this way, but sooner or later you have to face the music that he could not be the man you needed him to be. I am going through that now with my Abf. Deep down in my mind I know we are not destined for the fairy tale I dream of. We are still together, but I have given up almost completely on that dream. We "play house" as I like to say, but there is nothing that tells me this will be going anywhere anytime soon or that he is doing the work to change.

After a year and a half of zero movement on his divorce from his current wife (separated), and multiple regular relapses of binge disappearances, cheating, etc. I don't let my mind wander into what will likely never be.

We wait, we hope, we play the tape in our heads of what we think we deserved for it to be like, what we have demanded for so long...what we were promised by the A over and over again. And they disappoint. constantly. All while assuring us it's going to change. I use to play the same reel in my head that you are. Enjoying the holidays together with our families and his son, laughing and going out with friends, planning trips together...until after too many bouts of reality, I let go and realized that he is unable to give me what I want and deserve.

I still struggle to let him go, but over time and after so much heartache, the movie in your head becomes instead of, what could have been, to what is.... and finally.....what could be (without the A).

Smarie78

Also, forgot to mention that this is part of grieving and it sounds like you are still the denial stage that he could not be who you tried for him so hard to be. Let it wash over you, take your time with it...not too much time, but allow yourself to mourn. It is a loss, and you are in the stage of denial and looking for some help to accept.

AnvilheadII

yes, you CAN control your thoughts.....when those fantasies start up, SHUT THEM DOWN. don't let them go on. imagine a giant STOP sign in your head, and immediately TURN your thoughts to something else.

it's the same way addicts get over triggers.
smokers learn to disassociate smoking with other activities.
meditators meditate.

allowing yourself to engage in such day dreams is not healthy and keeps you susceptible to reaching out to the ex, or doing a driveway slip.

Daisychain6

I so know where you are coming from. My friends say walk away, he has shown no sign of recovering after 6 weeks and there is no saying he will remain sober for any length of time if he does. It is just a world of pain waiting for me….but i cant help hoping he will come back to me and be the man i fell in love with….that there could be a happily ever after…….but my brain says the longer he is drinking the less chance there is of this happening. I am gradually putting my life back together and moving on….but am still holding a very small candle for him….B****Y disease!!

NYCDoglvr

Much healthier is to relive reality scenarios -- him falling down drunk.

LexieCat

Incidentally, that was supposed to be "LOT of baloney," not "LOG of baloney." But if it helps distract your mind, imagining a log of baloney isn't a bad idea.

Maudcat

I think you are longing. Longing for the life you hoped to have. It's hard to give that up. Give it time. Try to be positive about the changes you have made and will continue to make. And please try not to think about Lexie's log of baloney. (Smile).

Thomas45

I think that no matter which way you cut it, a log of baloney would still be a lot of baloney to deal with.

dailystruggle1

Sparklekitty: 'I agree, it's not particularly healthy, and in my opinion, it speaks to the fact that you still have a lot of acceptance in front of you, about who he really is, about what addiction really does to a person, to a family, and to a relationship.

Acceptance of what was real, as opposed to what I wished for, was enormously freeing.'

Can I ask how you managed to do this? I had another chat with my recovering ex this morning... He told me he was worried about me as I seem to be cracking up. He said that he has got a lot to work on in his own life and I have got to work on mine for the myself and the kids sake. He says that now he has worked the steps, he will not be spending so much time with his sponsor as he was and will therefore be able to help with the kids more and he will always pick up the phone to me if I want to chat. I tried to tell him that I wanted him to phone me, to show me that our last 15 years was not a complete waste of time. He responded that he can't keep dwelling on the past and I shouldn't either. He has to live in the present to stay well. He said he went through hell when i went no contact/zero tolerance on him and he therefore had to step up to do what he had to do and he did - now I have to do the same. He said he doesn't have the time or headspace to think about me like he used to but, if I need to speak to him to just pick up the phone.

Acceptance is hard when you're driving yourself crazy.

53500

Why not play back the last time he reached out to you with "I'm broke and unemployed"? That should help the fading process, IMO.

Kudos to you for moving on.

Maudcat

dailystruggle, I am sorry to say this, but...I like the "no contact" idea for you and your x, at least for a while. Hard with kids, I know. It just sounds that, from your posts, contact with him is seriously messing with your head. Peace.

SparkleKitty

For one thing, I stopped any extraneous contact with the Ex.

More importantly, I dove head first into therapy. I felt all the feelings -- intensely. Emotions I had been stuffing for years and years after growing up in a home with an alcoholic mother and codependent father. I committed to focusing entirely on myself as much as possible, and to learning to be okay with myself for the first time in my life. I took esteemable actions. I tried things. I allowed myself to fail. I allowed myself to feel good about my successes. I let go of worrying about what others thought of me. I relied on no one to tell me who I was or what I could be. I took all the time I needed and learned that being alone was far from the scariest thing in the world -- that was reserved for being with the wrong person just so I wouldn't have to be with myself.

This was hard and it took time and it was almost never comfortable. And if I knew it was going to reap the kind of lifelong benefits of freedom and empowerment that it did I'd have done it fifteen years earlier.

And, I'd do it all again if I had to. It was worth every tear and every second. Everything in my life changed for the better -- my work, my friendships, my daily sense of well-being and peace. I know I will never allow any more toxic relationships in my life again, no matter what. I will never allow myself to fall victim to the consequences of someone else's poor choices. And I have the trust in myself to know the difference between helping and supporting someone and enabling them to do themselves and others further damage.

If therapy is not an option for you, there are other resources out there. But therapy was the game-changer for me.

dailystruggle1

Just putting it out there.... Coming from England I have no idea what baloney is... yet heard it lots on American TV shows as a reference to 'that's a load of crap'. What actually is it? (As a teacher, every day is a learning day)

Lovely to be in contact with you all btw 😊

dailystruggle1

Had meeting with counselor tonight. He thinks all the guilt is a result of abandonment (through exbf getting sober without me) and loss issues. I have decided (and my mood changes everyday) that at the minute I can't go no contact. I managed mostly for 8 months but everything in life feels too big at the minute and it makes me feel better hearing his voice. He has told me that he will always be there if I need him but he can't focus on anything but himself at the minute be able to contact me first. I get that. He needs to get better but the thought of losing my dad in the next few months and being on my own is unimaginable. At least I think that even if we talk on the phone a couple of times a week when organizing the kids, the whole situation will come to a natural conclusion rather than battling against raging emotions all the time. The therapist has asked what I think I will get out of this... I don't know. I just want to feel sane for a few days.

Same old record.... On repeat! Maybe I will get bored of myself... The sooner the better! Hope everyone is enjoying their evening x

dailystruggle1

And last one from me... Sparklekitty, you sound amazing. You are somewhere where I so want to be and I will reread your post again in the morning when I am not feeling so knackered. My friends bought me a surprise ticket to see Justin timberlake last night (he is a guilty pleasure) I'm bloody 43 and was swooning over Mr JT but didn't get home til 2.30am then up at the usual 5.30am. After a few wine fueled tears and no sleep I looked a million dollars this morning... Not. I do however, have lovely friends xx