I love him and hate him!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 45
I love him and hate him!
Just last night my husband got drunk (after a usual broken promise that he won't), and from the moment I got home from work, the verbal poking started. He was up for a fight...he wouldn't allow me any space, and blocked my exit from the room. I detest the constant feeling of not knowing if my home will be a battleground, or the sanctuary that I crave! With all of this verbal abuse my frustration intensified as well, and one almighty argument ensued, and he stomped around the house banging doors, and he has smashed our glass halogen oven...the wreckage is still in the kitchen. Over the last few years I have endured countless arguments, countless pieces of equipment and furniture being smashed...he has also thrown all of my clothes down the stairs, rolled me out of bed, poured red wine all over my head and pushed me so hard that I fell against a chair and cracked the back of my neck! Like many other comments, when he is sober he is wonderful, but this other fella is scary, strong and unpredictable! He is always sorry...or so he says...but should I be worried for my future! I know he doesn't mean it, but when he's been drinking there IS no MEANING...just actions...that's the scary part! Any advice would be gratefully appreciated!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi Lizzie,
Welcome to SR, sorry that you needed to find us.
Abuse and alcoholism really are 2 different things. He's already been physically abusive to you. Will it continue? yes and it will intensify. I always thought my ex didn't really mean it, that it was because he was drinking, or whatever other excuse I made up for myself to explain why I was still staying. Thing is, my ex never got like that when other people were around, which meant that he did have control over his mouth and his actions.
Stick around, if you are like I was, I really had no one to talk to, since I tended to minimize things and make excuses. It really did help me once I started to talk to people. I would also suggest that you call the DV hotline. 1-800-SAFE.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
Welcome to SR, sorry that you needed to find us.
Abuse and alcoholism really are 2 different things. He's already been physically abusive to you. Will it continue? yes and it will intensify. I always thought my ex didn't really mean it, that it was because he was drinking, or whatever other excuse I made up for myself to explain why I was still staying. Thing is, my ex never got like that when other people were around, which meant that he did have control over his mouth and his actions.
Stick around, if you are like I was, I really had no one to talk to, since I tended to minimize things and make excuses. It really did help me once I started to talk to people. I would also suggest that you call the DV hotline. 1-800-SAFE.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 45
Hi Amy...thank you for your wise words and support! It really is SO difficult keeping a brave face on when you are struggling to keep work and life going! Now I have joined SB, I will continue to drop-in, because it is good to know that I am not on my own in this struggle. When you are on the inside you do make excuses and smooth over the cracks...it is so very helpful to get advice from people who truly understand the situation, and who can be objective. Xx
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Any advice would be gratefully appreciated!
short answer......GET OUT.
NONE of what you describe is normal, it is in fact very serious levels of abuse. NO ONE deserves to live like that for one day.....or ever try to pretend it's OK.
there is a difference between alcoholism and abuse. one can accelerate the other, but his behavior cannot be blamed on JUST the booze. nor can you split the nice guy from the one who has treated you in such a manner. it's time for you start accepting the reality of your situation and quit making excuses for him.
would you stand by and watch as a man did such things to your mother, sister or friend?
short answer......GET OUT.
NONE of what you describe is normal, it is in fact very serious levels of abuse. NO ONE deserves to live like that for one day.....or ever try to pretend it's OK.
there is a difference between alcoholism and abuse. one can accelerate the other, but his behavior cannot be blamed on JUST the booze. nor can you split the nice guy from the one who has treated you in such a manner. it's time for you start accepting the reality of your situation and quit making excuses for him.
would you stand by and watch as a man did such things to your mother, sister or friend?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Lizzie,
Glad you found us!!! I agree with the other posters, get out!! When he is in such a rage he has no control and could really hurt you. What would you say to your daughter or best friend if they told you what you just told us. All us enablers down play what we have lived with because they "groom" us to accept this behavior, it gets worse and worse over time. We always seem to write it off as another drunken episode.
His episodes are getting worse over time. You knew before it started. You should have left the house, or town or state. You could see it. You should try and never engage with someone who is drunk or drinking. Get your stuff and leave if you can. If you fear leaving, call 911 and wait for the cops so you can get out.
I spent a half a dozen nights in my car in a hospital parking lot when my axh (alcoholic x husband) would wake me drunk, and pick a fight. Just got some clothes on grabbed my purse and keys and left. My axh never hit me. He broke doors, kicked holes and punched holes in walls.
Please contact the DV hotline and talk to them. Everything is confidential and there is no pressure on you to do anything. Please try and read the stickies up top or hit an alanon meeting. Please educate yourself about addition, this is a progressive disease. Keep posting, and asking questions, this is a 24 hour forum. Hugs my friend, please stay safe!!
Glad you found us!!! I agree with the other posters, get out!! When he is in such a rage he has no control and could really hurt you. What would you say to your daughter or best friend if they told you what you just told us. All us enablers down play what we have lived with because they "groom" us to accept this behavior, it gets worse and worse over time. We always seem to write it off as another drunken episode.
His episodes are getting worse over time. You knew before it started. You should have left the house, or town or state. You could see it. You should try and never engage with someone who is drunk or drinking. Get your stuff and leave if you can. If you fear leaving, call 911 and wait for the cops so you can get out.
I spent a half a dozen nights in my car in a hospital parking lot when my axh (alcoholic x husband) would wake me drunk, and pick a fight. Just got some clothes on grabbed my purse and keys and left. My axh never hit me. He broke doors, kicked holes and punched holes in walls.
Please contact the DV hotline and talk to them. Everything is confidential and there is no pressure on you to do anything. Please try and read the stickies up top or hit an alanon meeting. Please educate yourself about addition, this is a progressive disease. Keep posting, and asking questions, this is a 24 hour forum. Hugs my friend, please stay safe!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, Lizzie, and welcome.
I've worked professionally in the DV field for a very long time, and yes, it is likely to get worse, regardless of whether he's drinking or not.
A couple of terrific resources are the National Domestic Violence Hotline and your local women's shelter. Both places are staffed with advocates who can help you assess your situation--the amount of danger you may be in--and help with safety planning. You would probably qualify for a protective order, which would require HIM to leave, to support you and any children in the house, and could require him to participate in alcohol treatment and a batterer's intervention program. Even if you choose to stay for now, the safety planning is very important.
Stick around and keep posting, but be very careful about your computer usage--it may be safer to use a computer at the library rather than one he can access and find your postings or research on how to get help.
I've worked professionally in the DV field for a very long time, and yes, it is likely to get worse, regardless of whether he's drinking or not.
A couple of terrific resources are the National Domestic Violence Hotline and your local women's shelter. Both places are staffed with advocates who can help you assess your situation--the amount of danger you may be in--and help with safety planning. You would probably qualify for a protective order, which would require HIM to leave, to support you and any children in the house, and could require him to participate in alcohol treatment and a batterer's intervention program. Even if you choose to stay for now, the safety planning is very important.
Stick around and keep posting, but be very careful about your computer usage--it may be safer to use a computer at the library rather than one he can access and find your postings or research on how to get help.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Originally Posted by Lizzieloulou 
Hi Amy...thank you for your wise words and support! It really is SO difficult keeping a brave face on when you are struggling to keep work and life going! Now I have joined SB, I will continue to drop-in, because it is good to know that I am not on my own in this struggle. When you are on the inside you do make excuses and smooth over the cracks...it is so very helpful to get advice from people who truly understand the situation, and who can be objective. Xx
I don't know how far along you are with this. I agree with all the posters here, I just know that I was in "denial" a lot.
Do you have any children?
I wasted so much of my life trying to figure out how to be the person that he wanted to be with. I read so many self-help books, I tried so hard to communicate differently. None of that worked.
My ex also changed into a different person when he got like that. At first it was when he was drinking, then it was anytime at all. The year before I left it was only a total of 32 days that year that he even tried to be decent to me. His whole personality would change when he got like that. His eyes would like bulge out, the veins in his neck and forehead were more noticeable, it really did appear to me that he wasn't even seeing me when he was screaming at me. There wasn't anything specific that would set him off, he came home like that. Like he had a war going on in his head and he needed someone to participate in that war with him.
Before I started to talk to people, I assumed it was all me. Afterall, that's what he told me. He told me that over and over about how horrible I was. When I started asking questions to other people, I found out that I wasn't crazy, and his treatment of me wasn't right.
You really do question your sanity in situations like this. I know I left a few times, but went back. The abuse does escalate then. It escalates, I guess because they think they didn't control you enough before, so they have to try harder to control you.
Like I said before, I read a lot of self help books. The last one that I bought was "Why Does He Do That", by Lundy Bancroft. Excellent book. I would recommend it.
Anyway, it was nice talking to you today. Thank you for sharing your story.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Lizzieloulou.....yes, you should be worried about your future.
I am so very concerned about the fact that you say that "the back of your neck was cracked" during one of the arguments.
Striking the back on one's neck..and especially, if one of those bones were cracked or broken, there is a possibility of severing your spinal cord at a high level. Should that happen--the results are disasterous....
Remember, that it doesn't matter if he is a "nice guy" when he is sober or if "he didn't mean it".....The consequences of this kind of damage could alter the quality of your life forever--or even worse...
I hope that you will take the advice of the posters on this forum and contact the DV center...
The whole reason for the existence of the dv workers is to help those who are in situations such as yours. They are compassionate and understanding...and, they are NOT judgemental....they just seek to help you....
I. also, suggest that you keep a low profile....being careful to hide your computer history and any literature that you might be reading. Using a computer other than your usual one, would be a good idea...
Be careful of what you store on your cell phone....
Keep your cell phone within reach at all times, and keep a set of car keys where you can reach them, at all times.....
I hope that you will continue to come here and post, as we all care about you!!
I am so very concerned about the fact that you say that "the back of your neck was cracked" during one of the arguments.
Striking the back on one's neck..and especially, if one of those bones were cracked or broken, there is a possibility of severing your spinal cord at a high level. Should that happen--the results are disasterous....
Remember, that it doesn't matter if he is a "nice guy" when he is sober or if "he didn't mean it".....The consequences of this kind of damage could alter the quality of your life forever--or even worse...
I hope that you will take the advice of the posters on this forum and contact the DV center...
The whole reason for the existence of the dv workers is to help those who are in situations such as yours. They are compassionate and understanding...and, they are NOT judgemental....they just seek to help you....
I. also, suggest that you keep a low profile....being careful to hide your computer history and any literature that you might be reading. Using a computer other than your usual one, would be a good idea...
Be careful of what you store on your cell phone....
Keep your cell phone within reach at all times, and keep a set of car keys where you can reach them, at all times.....
I hope that you will continue to come here and post, as we all care about you!!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Lizzieloulou....I would also, like to add----this treatment of you is not y our fault!
Nobody should have to endure abuse....no matter what the "excuse" is...
It is wrong!
there are other options, even if you don't know what they are, right now.....
There is help....
Nobody should have to endure abuse....no matter what the "excuse" is...
It is wrong!
there are other options, even if you don't know what they are, right now.....
There is help....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 91
Lizzie, as alcoholism is a progressive disease, he will continue to get sicker as well as more violent. None of this is your fault but it is your job to take care of yourself.
My alcoholic had me so well trained that I could never see her manipulation and lies till well after I broke away. Alanon helped me to break the spell I was under and I highly recommend it . You will get more Jekyll and less Hyde as things progress. If you love yourself you won't accept that. Hugs and prayers sent your way.
My alcoholic had me so well trained that I could never see her manipulation and lies till well after I broke away. Alanon helped me to break the spell I was under and I highly recommend it . You will get more Jekyll and less Hyde as things progress. If you love yourself you won't accept that. Hugs and prayers sent your way.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Just last night my husband got drunk (after a usual broken promise that he won't)
Him promising not to get drunk is like someone with the flu promising not to get a fever. I used to hang a lot of hope on my ex's sobriety as the solution to all of the other stuff that was going on in our home.
Because this: He was up for a fight...he wouldn't allow me any space, and blocked my exit from the room.
Means that there is a deeper issue than his alcoholism. Your experience sounded very familiar to me. My ex was another one who didn't allow me to escape a fight. If he wanted to fight there was going to be a fight. There was no "detachment" possible while I lived with him.
Over the last few years I have endured countless arguments, countless pieces of equipment and furniture being smashed...he has also thrown all of my clothes down the stairs, rolled me out of bed, poured red wine all over my head and pushed me so hard that I fell against a chair and cracked the back of my neck!
And so your tolerance for unacceptable behavior is slowly and gradually raised, your self-esteem is eroded and your expectations for the relationship are whittled away to nothing so that a day when he's not doing these things seems wonderful.
Like many other comments, when he is sober he is wonderful, but this other fella is scary, strong and unpredictable! He is always sorry...or so he says...but should I be worried for my future! I know he doesn't mean it, but when he's been drinking there IS no MEANING...just actions...that's the scary part!
If someone is truly sorry for something, they don't continue that behavior and expect an apology to gloss everything over. It took me a long time to figure out that if all the violence and rages and verbal abuse "didn't mean anything" then neither did the increasingly half-assed apologies.
You are living in fear in your own home. The "great guy" (but really how "great" is he? ) and the raging abuser are the exact same person. I bet if you thought a little more about it you'd realize that what you're settling for is the calm before the storm, not actual good behavior. Remember your standards have been slowly lowered over time so that this horrible behavior has become sort of normal. There's always another storm, and that calm is just part of the cycle. The cycle will get shorter so that there's less and less time between incidents like last night. How much time and energy do you spend tiptoeing around his moods trying to make him happy enough not to fly into these rages?
He will get worse. He will get more dangerous and will show less and less regard for you as a human being. It's like the monkey house at the zoo. You've been living in there so long you can't smell the poo anymore.
What helped me was a temporary separation. I had to be away from the chaos for awhile to process and decompress without the constant stress of waiting for the next blowup. It made me see how warped my idea of normal daily life with him really was and gave me the courage to do the next right thing.
Him promising not to get drunk is like someone with the flu promising not to get a fever. I used to hang a lot of hope on my ex's sobriety as the solution to all of the other stuff that was going on in our home.
Because this: He was up for a fight...he wouldn't allow me any space, and blocked my exit from the room.
Means that there is a deeper issue than his alcoholism. Your experience sounded very familiar to me. My ex was another one who didn't allow me to escape a fight. If he wanted to fight there was going to be a fight. There was no "detachment" possible while I lived with him.
Over the last few years I have endured countless arguments, countless pieces of equipment and furniture being smashed...he has also thrown all of my clothes down the stairs, rolled me out of bed, poured red wine all over my head and pushed me so hard that I fell against a chair and cracked the back of my neck!
And so your tolerance for unacceptable behavior is slowly and gradually raised, your self-esteem is eroded and your expectations for the relationship are whittled away to nothing so that a day when he's not doing these things seems wonderful.
Like many other comments, when he is sober he is wonderful, but this other fella is scary, strong and unpredictable! He is always sorry...or so he says...but should I be worried for my future! I know he doesn't mean it, but when he's been drinking there IS no MEANING...just actions...that's the scary part!
If someone is truly sorry for something, they don't continue that behavior and expect an apology to gloss everything over. It took me a long time to figure out that if all the violence and rages and verbal abuse "didn't mean anything" then neither did the increasingly half-assed apologies.
You are living in fear in your own home. The "great guy" (but really how "great" is he? ) and the raging abuser are the exact same person. I bet if you thought a little more about it you'd realize that what you're settling for is the calm before the storm, not actual good behavior. Remember your standards have been slowly lowered over time so that this horrible behavior has become sort of normal. There's always another storm, and that calm is just part of the cycle. The cycle will get shorter so that there's less and less time between incidents like last night. How much time and energy do you spend tiptoeing around his moods trying to make him happy enough not to fly into these rages?
He will get worse. He will get more dangerous and will show less and less regard for you as a human being. It's like the monkey house at the zoo. You've been living in there so long you can't smell the poo anymore.
What helped me was a temporary separation. I had to be away from the chaos for awhile to process and decompress without the constant stress of waiting for the next blowup. It made me see how warped my idea of normal daily life with him really was and gave me the courage to do the next right thing.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,582
Agree with all above.
He is dangerous and he's not sorry or a good guy otherwise he would change. That's what being sorry means.
Please get out this will only escalate. Seeking support from a DV Service would be the wisest first step even if just to talk with someone on the phone.
Hugs Lizzie.
He is dangerous and he's not sorry or a good guy otherwise he would change. That's what being sorry means.
Please get out this will only escalate. Seeking support from a DV Service would be the wisest first step even if just to talk with someone on the phone.
Hugs Lizzie.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 45
Thank you to everyone for your replies and support. It is so good to know you are all out there! Cleaned up all of the mess today...took a while as you can appreciate! He was very sorry this morning and was making me cups of tea and food etc, so like an idiot I accepted his apology. He went to the corner shop to get us some lunch, and the nexr thing I knew, he told me " don't be angry with me, but I've bought two bottles of wine." Well, you can imagine how I felt...heart sank...so a day of watching him drink, nap, eat, drink then back to bed. There was no nasty stuff thank God
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by Lizzieloulou
Thank you to everyone for your replies and support. It is so good to know you are all out there! Cleaned up all of the mess today...took a while as you can appreciate! He was very sorry this morning and was making me cups of tea and food etc, so like an idiot I accepted his apology. He went to the corner shop to get us some lunch, and the nexr thing I knew, he told me " don't be angry with me, but I've bought two bottles of wine." Well, you can imagine how I felt...heart sank...so a day of watching him drink, nap, eat, drink then back to bed. There was no nasty stuff thank God
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
OK, so ASSUMING it was poor decision-making and lack of knowing when to say no to someone (which is by no means necessarily the case), those are things that can be changed. The one thing you CAN'T change is someone else.
It doesn't matter whether you accepted his apology, it doesn't matter whether you should have done certain things differently. You aren't deserving of this kind of life. But the only one who can change it is YOU. And since you can't change him, the only way you can change your life is to take action to do that. You can get information from a DV advocate. You can talk with a lawyer about your options for separation or divorce. You can learn about alcoholism and abuse, and how they are separate issues and unlikely to get better on their own. You can take charge of your own life, with appropriate measures for your own safety.
Just try to plan a couple of things you can do to begin to move in this direction. Your life isn't over just because your marriage is.
It doesn't matter whether you accepted his apology, it doesn't matter whether you should have done certain things differently. You aren't deserving of this kind of life. But the only one who can change it is YOU. And since you can't change him, the only way you can change your life is to take action to do that. You can get information from a DV advocate. You can talk with a lawyer about your options for separation or divorce. You can learn about alcoholism and abuse, and how they are separate issues and unlikely to get better on their own. You can take charge of your own life, with appropriate measures for your own safety.
Just try to plan a couple of things you can do to begin to move in this direction. Your life isn't over just because your marriage is.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Lizzie,
When you are ready you can share with your family and friends. I still have not shared 75 % of my hell with axh and I have been divorced almost 2 years. Its ok.
But you are so deserving of so much more. You are, I am sure a loving, caring and brave women. Don't feel embarrassed by what is happening in your life. Would you condemn a loved one who was going through what you have gone through?
Keep reading the forum, knowledge is power my friend. You will be ok!!!
When you are ready you can share with your family and friends. I still have not shared 75 % of my hell with axh and I have been divorced almost 2 years. Its ok.
But you are so deserving of so much more. You are, I am sure a loving, caring and brave women. Don't feel embarrassed by what is happening in your life. Would you condemn a loved one who was going through what you have gone through?
Keep reading the forum, knowledge is power my friend. You will be ok!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Lizzie--one thing I want to share...a couple years after divorcing my XAH after almost 20 years together, I moved in with a man, blending our families (my two teens with his four kids). Big announcement to family and friends, yay me...
And the day he moved in he drank. And went downhill fast. I felt blindsided and trapped. Within the year I asked him to move out. It was SO HARD admitting my mistake and failure, especially to my kids.
But there was something beautiful in that "mistake". I can't hide from it. I have to accept it. And somehow it freed me. I can't worry about what anyone else thinks of me--this is my life and I'm not going to live it trapped just because it might "look bad". Once I got past the initial shame and embarrassment (all self inflicted), I felt so empowered to LIVE.
Embrace your "mistakes", learn, be proud, and move forward.
I write quotes in magnet letter on the fridge to subtly make my kids think. This morning I wrote:
TODAY
I
MADE
A
GLORIOUS
MISTAKE
Mistakes are incredible if we use them to grow. I truly believe they're glorious.
Hugs to you!
And the day he moved in he drank. And went downhill fast. I felt blindsided and trapped. Within the year I asked him to move out. It was SO HARD admitting my mistake and failure, especially to my kids.
But there was something beautiful in that "mistake". I can't hide from it. I have to accept it. And somehow it freed me. I can't worry about what anyone else thinks of me--this is my life and I'm not going to live it trapped just because it might "look bad". Once I got past the initial shame and embarrassment (all self inflicted), I felt so empowered to LIVE.
Embrace your "mistakes", learn, be proud, and move forward.
I write quotes in magnet letter on the fridge to subtly make my kids think. This morning I wrote:
TODAY
I
MADE
A
GLORIOUS
MISTAKE
Mistakes are incredible if we use them to grow. I truly believe they're glorious.
Hugs to you!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
The only thing that would have been worse than admitting the mistake I made with my ex would have been digging my claws in, hanging on to that mistake and refusing to admit it. Short term pain for long term gain.
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