Forgiving myself
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 67
Forgiving myself
So my exAbf is officially out. All except for his piano. Movers are coming on Sunday. This is admittedly much better than seeing him asleep on my couch every morning. It also means it's officially over and I can start to process and move on.
Tonight though, I'm hurting and dwelling on my own past behavior. He is an alcoholic, no doubt. Also selfish, self-absorbed and often arrogant. But I was emotionally/verbally abusive as well and I feel terribly guilty about it. I'm afraid that it wasn't circumstantial and that it's just who I am. I keep replaying awful things I said in anger and wishing he and I could have ended things on better terms. Useless, I know.
I'm seeing a therapist tomorrow and hopefully I'll be able to work through some of this, but tonight I am consumed with guilt. I don't like the person I've become.
Tonight though, I'm hurting and dwelling on my own past behavior. He is an alcoholic, no doubt. Also selfish, self-absorbed and often arrogant. But I was emotionally/verbally abusive as well and I feel terribly guilty about it. I'm afraid that it wasn't circumstantial and that it's just who I am. I keep replaying awful things I said in anger and wishing he and I could have ended things on better terms. Useless, I know.
I'm seeing a therapist tomorrow and hopefully I'll be able to work through some of this, but tonight I am consumed with guilt. I don't like the person I've become.
Human
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Earth
Posts: 183
I have felt like that often. It's the curse of having an unfiltered mouth, delivering the messages that everyone is thinking but would never dare to say. Quick to snark a comeback, quick to accuse, harsh words flying in fast fury. It's a terrible feeling to know someone has pushed you to that brink on purpose and can now hold your own behavior over your head when they were in the wrong first or more often.
If you try hard enough, it's a simple matter of habit changing. Look how strong you already are, your path is beginning to organize itself and clear its own way. You get to choose where it goes and how you get there. Therapy helps. Behavioral therapy helps. You've got this.
And in the meantime, myself and all the other loudmouths are here to help along the way
If you try hard enough, it's a simple matter of habit changing. Look how strong you already are, your path is beginning to organize itself and clear its own way. You get to choose where it goes and how you get there. Therapy helps. Behavioral therapy helps. You've got this.
And in the meantime, myself and all the other loudmouths are here to help along the way
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
gbriezy, that's why we friends/partners/spouses/family members have our own recovery to go thru--as they say in Alanon, we have become just as sick as our qualifiers. Alcoholism is a "family disease", affecting everyone it touches.
I understand not liking who you've become. I didn't like who I had become either--I was dependent and overbearing at the same time. I was lazy about shouldering my share of the load in some areas but was taking way too much responsibility in others. I had become very controlling. Like you, I had outbursts of verbal abuse near the end of things--although these were hardly unprovoked, I had imagined myself above that sort of thing. And there is so much more, so many things that I did that I looked back on with shame, and thought what an awful person I must be.
Thru SR, Alanon, and various books, I began to learn that I was doing what I knew how to do at that time. I had literally never seen a healthy relationship modeled, so I had no idea how it looked. If I didn't know any better, how could I have done better? So that was one load off my shoulders.
But now that I knew there was a different, better way, I had to accept the new load of working towards being that better person who lived and acted in a better way--I couldn't claim ignorance any more! I had to start taking full responsibility for my choices, my actions, my words and thoughts. I couldn't blame a person or a situation for "making" me feel or act a certain way.
I also learned the difference between guilt and shame, two words I'd used pretty interchangeably. I think the first place I learned about that was from listening to Brene Brown, who has been very helpful to me in recovery. She said "guilt is I DID something bad, and shame is I AM something bad." And so that was a different viewpoint too.
I guess that what I'm getting at here, gb, is that while you may have become someone you don't like b/c of the stress of trying to live in an unlivable situation, you have the power to change that. You can decide you're going to work towards becoming a better person and then take actions, little by little, day by day, to become that better person.
You are NOT static and unchanging unless you choose that. You are NOT doomed to be "someone you don't like" forever. Recognizing that you don't like where you are and believing you can get to a better place are the first steps towards that better place. Feeling bad is OK if it motivates you to do the work to learn, grow and change; just don't beat yourself up for not doing better when you didn't know any better.
I understand not liking who you've become. I didn't like who I had become either--I was dependent and overbearing at the same time. I was lazy about shouldering my share of the load in some areas but was taking way too much responsibility in others. I had become very controlling. Like you, I had outbursts of verbal abuse near the end of things--although these were hardly unprovoked, I had imagined myself above that sort of thing. And there is so much more, so many things that I did that I looked back on with shame, and thought what an awful person I must be.
Thru SR, Alanon, and various books, I began to learn that I was doing what I knew how to do at that time. I had literally never seen a healthy relationship modeled, so I had no idea how it looked. If I didn't know any better, how could I have done better? So that was one load off my shoulders.
But now that I knew there was a different, better way, I had to accept the new load of working towards being that better person who lived and acted in a better way--I couldn't claim ignorance any more! I had to start taking full responsibility for my choices, my actions, my words and thoughts. I couldn't blame a person or a situation for "making" me feel or act a certain way.
I also learned the difference between guilt and shame, two words I'd used pretty interchangeably. I think the first place I learned about that was from listening to Brene Brown, who has been very helpful to me in recovery. She said "guilt is I DID something bad, and shame is I AM something bad." And so that was a different viewpoint too.
I guess that what I'm getting at here, gb, is that while you may have become someone you don't like b/c of the stress of trying to live in an unlivable situation, you have the power to change that. You can decide you're going to work towards becoming a better person and then take actions, little by little, day by day, to become that better person.
You are NOT static and unchanging unless you choose that. You are NOT doomed to be "someone you don't like" forever. Recognizing that you don't like where you are and believing you can get to a better place are the first steps towards that better place. Feeling bad is OK if it motivates you to do the work to learn, grow and change; just don't beat yourself up for not doing better when you didn't know any better.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
I also had the abusive mouth. For about 20 years I told axh what a piece of shxt he was. Not something I am proud of.
I too was controlling. I made amends to my family years ago, for not letting them load the dishwasher. They just left the dishes on the counter because it was something in my out of control world that I could still control. I look back and see how sick I really was.
Over time you make piece with yourself. They always say here "you did the best you could, with what you knew".
We have all been where you are, keep working on yourself and you will find that peace my friend!! Sending hugs to you!!
I too was controlling. I made amends to my family years ago, for not letting them load the dishwasher. They just left the dishes on the counter because it was something in my out of control world that I could still control. I look back and see how sick I really was.
Over time you make piece with yourself. They always say here "you did the best you could, with what you knew".
We have all been where you are, keep working on yourself and you will find that peace my friend!! Sending hugs to you!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Recognition is the first step to changing a behavior. You have positives like humility. There is nothing you can do about the past. You can make amends to yourself. You may find you're worrying and your old self won't show up. Focus on today, this new life your creating. If it does show up identify, when does it. For me it's when I have to HALT. Taking a moment to stay centered especially when one gets Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
I didn't have a sharp tongue, rarely reacted or lashed out, and was pretty well behaved toward him through it all. But I still felt incredible shame and hate toward myself for twisting in knots to make things better, for subjecting my kids to abuse, for not valuing myself...the list goes on...
Regardless of how we get to this point, we need to forgive ourselves and recover. Because we are beautiful people and the past is what it is. It doesn't define who you are.
Be nice to yourself.
And keep growing.
Regardless of how we get to this point, we need to forgive ourselves and recover. Because we are beautiful people and the past is what it is. It doesn't define who you are.
Be nice to yourself.
And keep growing.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You're getting terrific feedback, here. NONE of us is perfect. We ALL sometimes hurt people--sometimes unintentionally, sometimes intentionally. If you're in Al-Anon, step work can help. Either way, though, you eventually forgive yourself. As with the alcoholic, forgiveness doesn't mean everything you did was OK, but you let go of it and work to do better. None of us can possibly be at his/her best when under the stress of living with active alcoholism.
As you move further away from this relationship, I think you will come to surprise yourself with the growth that comes from having come through something like this.
As you move further away from this relationship, I think you will come to surprise yourself with the growth that comes from having come through something like this.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 179
i can't really add anything. I can say that I am only 2 weeks post-breakup. There are lots of feelings and emotions. I am there with you. Just sending you hugs and positive thoughts.
I am going to put my efforts towards ME. Eating good, exercising, re-channeling my energy. Took a walk along the great Pacific last night, going to go down there again tonight. Nature is awesome and makes me feel connected to something bigger than me. Take care gb.
I am going to put my efforts towards ME. Eating good, exercising, re-channeling my energy. Took a walk along the great Pacific last night, going to go down there again tonight. Nature is awesome and makes me feel connected to something bigger than me. Take care gb.
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